The Lies We Tell, page 12
‘No,’ she said. ‘It’s why I’m choosing to work late.’ She tapped my shoulder in an almost chummy way. ‘Are you going back to the hospital or not?’
‘Yes,’ I said.
But I didn’t, I’m ashamed to say. Not straight away. I marched briskly for miles down streets I knew and streets I didn’t. By the time I’d reached the hospital, I’d decided that Hilary was right. I did need to stay with Sarah, because I wasn’t the kind of person who could shirk my responsibilities. I did not want to be like my father.
So when Sarah said she wasn’t going to come home and was going to stay with Olivia for ‘one or two weeks’, I was completely thrown.
I wasn’t expecting this. What if I lost my son for ever?
Something inside me actually hurt. It hadn’t done this since my mother had died. I’d felt myself melt when I’d picked up my little boy. This child was my flesh and blood right down to his missing earlobes. She had no right to take him away from me.
‘I’m not very happy about having a screaming baby in the house either,’ said Hugo when I rang. ‘But Olivia is determined. And when my wife gets something into her head, there’s no changing her.’
Freddie should be living with me, not my so-called best friend. Should I have been more understanding about Sarah’s past? If I’d never read her notes, we’d have been home together now and I would have been none the wiser. But was that any way to live a life? Besides, she should have told me the truth right at the beginning.
Then I wouldn’t have married her. And we wouldn’t have had Freddie.
This was all so confusing. I didn’t like the way my head was muddled.
That night I didn’t sleep. At 5 a.m. I got up and went into the office. Hilary was already there. If it wasn’t for the fact that she was wearing a blue dress instead of a tartan skirt, I might have thought she’d been there all night.
‘Aren’t you taking a day off to be with your son and wife?’ she asked.
I was slightly surprised by her formal voice. There was no one else there, so we could speak freely.
‘She’s going to stay with friends of ours so we can decide on our future,’ I said. ‘She says she wants to be sure I love her enough to commit.’
Hilary looked me firmly in the eyes. She reminded me of a sympathetic but no-nonsense teacher. ‘And do you?’
‘I don’t honestly know yet.’
It was amazing how openly I could speak to this woman.
‘Then I’ll let you get on with your decision,’ said Hilary. She turned back to her keyboard. ‘But don’t forget there’s a young child involved here. If I were you, I wouldn’t allow yourself to have any distractions.’
I’d never been much good at reading women’s minds. Was she suggesting that there might be something between us if Sarah wasn’t there? The thought was not unpalatable. Indeed, it was comforting. But then I thought of Freddie and how my mother would have loved so much to have held him in her arms.
‘Thank you,’ I said carefully. ‘You’re a good friend.’
She carried on typing. ‘Always here to talk,’ she replied over her shoulder.
The day dragged. It didn’t usually. I kept thinking about Olivia collecting Sarah and Freddie from hospital. It should be me.
I’d missed out on one of the most important times of my life.
How could my wife have deprived me of this experience? Of course, I’d been upset when I’d read her notes. But what had she expected if she was going to hide the truth from me?
Then again, I’d hidden Chapman from her.
On the other hand, if this was a mathematical equation, my wife’s prison record surely outweighed my mistake, didn’t it?
‘When is your wife due, exactly?’ asked my immediate boss at the beginning of an important conference call in the afternoon.
So Hilary hadn’t told anyone. I was glad about that. It showed I could trust her.
‘She gave birth last night, actually,’ I said.
‘Last night?’ His face was puzzled. ‘Then why are you in the office? You should have taken some time off.’
‘Sarah knew this meeting was important,’ I said quickly. ‘Besides, she’s out of hospital now and someone is looking after her.’
‘Ah, you’ve got a maternity nurse. Very sensible.’
I neither denied nor confirmed this.
‘Is everything all right?’ asked someone else.
‘Fine, thanks.’
‘Did you have a boy or girl?’
‘A son. Freddie.’
The questions were coming thick and fast. I’d never divulged so much information about myself before.
‘Well,’ said the boss, ‘take a few days off if you need it as part of your holiday entitlement. This is a very special time. I’ve got three myself. All girls. Wouldn’t be without them for the world.’ He actually clapped my shoulders. ‘Well done, Tom! Just be prepared for some sleepless nights!’
During the rest of the day, cards and little gifts for Freddie began to appear on my desk from colleagues. ‘Thank you,’ I said numbly. But all the time I was trying to concentrate on my work, I kept thinking about my son. What kind of start had he had? I began to wish I’d never read those bloody hospital notes in the first place. I rarely swear. It was an indication of the state of my mind.
At lunchtime, I rang Sarah. There was no reply.
So I tried Olivia. ‘Are they with you?’ I asked tersely.
‘Yes, Tom. They’re sleeping.’
Her voice was without its usual warmth.
‘Can I bring round all the things they’ll need,’ I said, suddenly thinking of the stacks of nappies, the carrycot and all the little Babygros we’d bought in the last few months.
‘There’s no need,’ she said. ‘I’ve still got the girls’ crib and I’ve already bought nappies and breast pads and anything else we’ll need.’
Breast pads? I had a vision of Boudicca’s suit of armour from history books at school.
‘You can come round after work, if you want,’ she added. ‘I’m sure you must be dying to see your son.’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Of course I am. And I want to see Sarah too.’
I waited for Olivia to tell me that Sarah would like that as well. But she didn’t.
‘Shall we say five p.m.?’ she asked. ‘Please don’t be late. We’re trying to get Freddie into a routine. I’ve also got the girls to look after.’
I remembered what Hugo had said about the R word. Five o’clock! I never left the office as early as that. But today I would make an exception. On the way there, I stopped at a toyshop and bought an enormous teddy bear. Then I purchased some stargazer lilies for Sarah. Her favourite.
It felt odd, going to my friends’ mews cottage to see my day-old son. He should be at my house.
‘Do come in,’ said Olivia formally when she opened the door. ‘Sarah and Freddie are in the kitchen with the girls.’
I could hear the laughter before I went in. Clemmie and her sister were gathered around Sarah and Freddie was in her arms. ‘Can I hold him?’ pleaded Clemmie.
‘He needs to be winded first,’ said Sarah. Then she put him on her shoulder and gently patted his back.
‘Remember what I said?’ came Olivia’s voice behind me. ‘You need long sweeping actions from the bottom upwards.’
‘Thanks,’ said Sarah. ‘The nurse said the same. I should have remembered.’ Then she saw me.
Immediately, she flushed. ‘Tom. I didn’t know you were coming.’
‘Didn’t Olivia tell you?’
My friend’s wife gave a little laugh. ‘I wasn’t sure you’d be able to leave work on time.’
Ignoring this barbed comment, I reached out my arms. ‘May I?’
Sarah seemed to glance at Olivia as if for approval. ‘I did it last night,’ I reminded her.
Almost reluctantly she passed the child over.
I bent my cheek down so it rested on his.
‘Isn’t he lovely, Uncle Tom?’ said Clemmie. ‘He’s going to live with us for a bit.’
‘I know,’ I said tightly. ‘Sarah, can we talk in private?’
My wife gave me one of those lovely smiles that had drawn me to her in the first place. ‘I’m a bit tired, Tom. I’d rather stay here.’
She looked exhausted, I have to say. But she also looked stunning. Her hair, an even glossier black than usual, was curling onto her shoulders. She was also wearing a really pretty pale blue nightdress that I hadn’t seen before, with a matching dressing gown.
‘Would you like a cup of tea, Tom?’ asked Olivia.
It all felt so formal.
‘Yes, please.’
‘You’ll need to give Freddie back to your wife, then. You can’t have a hot drink in your hand at the same time. You might burn him.’
I’d never thought of that.
‘Is everything going well?’ I asked Sarah. I had to shout over the girls’ noise. They were fighting over who should hold Freddie next.
‘Yes thank you,’ said Sarah. ‘Olivia’s been amazing. She insisted on watching Freddie for a couple of hours after lunch so I could get some sleep.’
‘That’s nice,’ I said.
I was beginning to feel increasingly redundant. This should be Sarah, me and Freddie together at home, getting to know each other. That’s what all the baby books had said. I reproached myself now for leaving her in the hospital. And even though nothing had happened with Hilary, I felt guilty.
‘Well,’ said Olivia, glancing at the clock on the wall. ‘We need to give Freddie his bath now, before bedtime.’
‘Can I help?’ I asked.
‘You might get your smart suit wet,’ pointed out Olivia coolly.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I said.
‘Actually, Tom,’ said Sarah. ‘Olivia’s going to teach me how to do it. It might be best if you watch tomorrow night.’
But bath time was one of those rituals that parents ought to share, according to my parenting manuals. Then again, there’d been nothing in them about discovering your wife was an ex-convict.
Olivia nodded in approval at Sarah’s suggestion. ‘Yes, why don’t you call in tomorrow night on your way home from work?’
I shouldn’t need an invitation to see my own son, but what choice did I have?
‘Very well,’ I said.
I stood up and brushed Sarah’s cheek with my mouth. She smelt different from usual. She didn’t respond. Then I stroked Freddie’s cheek with my finger. I was not an imaginative man generally but it felt as smooth as silk.
‘See you tomorrow, then,’ I said.
As I walked down the road, I spotted Hugo driving past. He waved to me but didn’t stop. Maybe it was unwise to do so with the traffic, I reasoned.
How odd it was to go back into my own house and see the nappies and the mobile and the various things we’d chosen for our baby. It didn’t feel right, being here without them.
Impulsively, I rang my wife’s mobile. ‘Why don’t you come home?’ I asked. ‘Please.’
‘But can you forgive me?’
I thought about it for a minute.
‘You see,’ she said softly. ‘You’re still not sure, are you?’
‘It’s been a shock,’ I said. ‘I need time to process it.’
‘I know … and that’s why we can’t come back yet.’
I could hear Freddie crying in the background. I wanted to hold him and tell him everything would be all right.
‘Goodnight,’ she said before I could express my feelings verbally. ‘See you tomorrow?’
She’d put the phone down before it dawned on me that she’d phrased the statement as a question.
Too late, I realized I should have replied.
18
Sarah
I’m not sure how I would have managed without Olivia in those two weeks. I’d like to say I missed Tom, but actually I knew he’d have been upset by all of it. He needed to be in control.
‘Why is Freddie screaming like this?’ I asked on that first morning when nothing seemed to pacify him.
‘It’s usually because a baby is hungry, needs his nappy changing or has wind. Let’s see. You’ve fed him and I’ve burped him. He’s also nice and dry now, aren’t you, little one?’
‘But how do I know he’s not ill?’
‘I’ve thought of that, but he isn’t warm and he doesn’t have a rash. Mind you, you look a bit flushed. Let’s see. Gosh! You have a temperature. Do you feel achy?’
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘Bet you’ve got mastitis.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Don’t panic. It’s an inflammation of breast tissue, which sometimes happens when you’re breastfeeding. Milk usually comes in on the third day for a first baby but yours seems to have arrived early. Are your breasts sore?’
‘Agony.’
‘I’ll ring the doctor.’
I was prescribed antibiotics and told by the visiting midwife to gently squeeze out excess milk. I felt far more comfortable and Freddie began to settle.
‘Babies pick up on vibes,’ said Olivia.
‘Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without you.’
She looked pleased. ‘You’d get it eventually. But it does make it easier to have someone else around. I had a maternity nurse, but it wasn’t like having a close friend.’
A close friend? Is that what I was?
Emily!
No one else could be like her. During the student carnival she had dressed up as one of our tutors who had striking orange hair. The tutor in question had been flattered rather than upset. It was a mark of the affection that Emily brought out in everyone. And look how I had repaid her …
Olivia could never be the close friend that Emily had been. I didn’t want that. Yet Olivia’s words made me feel warm inside.
‘Why don’t you have a little nap?’ Olivia said to me the following day after I’d been up most of the night, walking Freddie up and down and trying to make sure he didn’t wake up the rest of the house. Hugo had already made it clear, with various huffs and puffs whenever Freddie cried, that he wasn’t thrilled by our presence.
‘You’re clearly shattered,’ she added. ‘I’ll look after Freddie.’ She was cradling him in her arms, looking down at him lovingly, almost as if he was her own. ‘I’m your godmother, aren’t I? At least I will be when Mummy and Daddy arrange your christening. Aren’t you a handsome little boy? Yes you are! You are!’
Freddie seemed to listen to her voice. For a few seconds, I almost felt jealous. She was so good at settling him. How would I ever manage?
‘It feels wrong to go to bed in the day,’ I said.
Olivia’s eyes rolled. ‘You’ve had a baby. If you can’t rest after that, when can you? Most of my friends have power naps in between massages and Pilates while the kids are at school. Just take an hour or two. I’ll wake you if he needs feeding again. Promise.’
So I did. The guest room was incredibly comfortable. The bed was to die for. Really deep, with big fluffy cushions and that sweet little crib at the bottom that had belonged to the girls.
Almost instantly, I fell into a deep void. The kind where you sink so far down that, when you wake, it’s like coming out of a general anaesthetic.
My first thought when I opened my eyes was that the crib was empty. Of course it was, I remembered. Olivia was looking after Freddie downstairs to give me a break, wasn’t she? I washed my face and went into the kitchen. Freddie’s Moses basket was there on the table but it was empty.
‘Hello?’ I called out.
The house was silent. It was a school day, so the girls weren’t around, even though there was a pile of shoes in the hall, empty cereal bowls still on the kitchen table and a stack of washing in a laundry basket waiting to be sorted.
My heart began to pound. Where was my baby? Was he ill? Had Olivia taken him to the doctor? My breasts began to leak. They needed to feed him.
I ran to the front door. Olivia’s car was still there. That was something. So was the pram. Where were they? By now my heart was seriously beginning to pound. All kinds of things flooded my mind. Someone had broken in and kidnapped them. Tom had come round and demanded that Freddie went home with him. Or maybe …
As I stood there in the street, still in my nightdress, the front door of the house opposite opened. Out came Olivia, holding Freddie. ‘Thanks for the coffee,’ she called out over her shoulder. ‘Yes! He is lovely, isn’t he?’ Then she caught sight of me. ‘Oh, Sarah. There you are. Did you have a good sleep?’
I could barely talk from relief. I ran over the cobbles, barefoot, and took Freddie from her arms. Instantly, he began screaming. ‘I didn’t know where you were,’ I said.
Olivia’s face seemed confused. ‘I only took him over to show a neighbour. I also thought you’d sleep better if we were out of the house. I’m sorry. I should have left you a note.’
Yes. She should have done. But I didn’t want to be rude. Olivia had done so much for us.
‘Come on, Freddie,’ she said. ‘Don’t start crying on Mummy. You’ve been such a good boy.’
‘Maybe he’s hungry,’ I said.
We were inside now. I undid the top of my nightdress and Freddie immediately zoomed into my right breast, sucking as if there was no tomorrow.
‘Don’t forget the knee trick!’
Olivia had shown me how to put him tummy-side down on my knees to soothe him.
‘You’re a fast learner,’ said Olivia. ‘Now that he’s satisfied, how about a girly lunch? You need to maintain your calorie input to keep the milk going. I’ve got a lovely play mat with a pretty mobile that the children used to like. Freddie can lie on the floor and we can watch him while we eat.’ She gave a little sigh of contentment. ‘I must say, it’s so lovely having a baby in the house again.’
‘Hugo doesn’t seem to think so,’ I pointed out. ‘I heard him asking you yesterday when we were going to leave.’
Olivia waved her arms as if batting my words away. ‘Don’t pay any attention to him. He’s not great with tinies. You can stay as long as you want.’
Something didn’t feel quite right. ‘I thought the point was to make Tom realize he needed us.’
