When the World Tips Over, page 28
“Oh,” Dizzy said. “Let’s do that. I’m very spiritual.”
Felix and Miles exchanged a glance, Miles fighting again to keep from laughing.
“At first I thought it was silly and embarrassing,” Felix went on. “But I got into it.” He stuck a piece of sausage with the fork, then added some rice and peppers to the bite with his fingers. “I made this andouille sausage this morning. I have a way with sausage, if I do say so myself.”
A way with sausage! Omg, lol, roflmao, as you young humans say.
Miles laughed out loud this time.
“What?” said Dizzy.
“Don’t pay attention to Miles,” Felix said, guiding a forkful of food into her mouth. “His mind’s in the gutter.”
Sandro, remember how I told you he touched my neck?
Yeah.
He touched my neck!
You told me.
After an elaborate sequence of moans, Dizzy said, “It tastes so much more delicious than when I had it at lunch.”
“That’s the point,” Felix said. “They say food tastes exponentially better if someone else feeds it to you.” He speared another piece of sausage. “Now you,” he said to Miles. Was Miles imagining it or did he say Now you in a provocative way? A sexual way? Felix drew one of the camping lanterns closer, then worked for some time designing the perfect bite. “Bon appétit, Miles,” Felix said, and Miles parted his lips, feeling ridiculous, vulnerable, and turned on all at once. Their eyes met, held. Felix lowered the fork, resting it on Miles’s bottom lip for a second before tipping the forkful onto Miles’s tongue. Miles closed his eyes as Felix slipped the fork out of his mouth, as flavor burst on the roof of his mouth, filling his whole head.
“Holy God,” Miles said.
“Really makes you taste each and every spice, doesn’t it?” Felix said. His eyes were still on Miles’s mouth and that was making Miles feel breathless. He licked his bottom lip. Felix swallowed. Was he imagining this? He wanted to holler, “ARE YOU SUDDENLY AVAILABLE?”
“Wait!” Dizzy cried. “Miles, you’re a vegetarian!”
Miles hadn’t remembered. He was gone.
I’m losing it, Sandro.
“Ah! Sorry, forgot,” Felix said to Miles. Miles shrugged it off – he wasn’t strict, cheated sometimes, and anyway, he was too preoccupied to worry about it. Because it wasn’t just their knees that were touching now but half their thighs too. When had that happened? Had he moved closer to Felix without realizing it? Or had Felix moved closer to him? When he fed Miles maybe? Miles’s hands were getting sweaty and there was the matter of his heartbeat. They were flirting – right? – except he wasn’t sure. But whatever it was they were doing, it was much easier to do since they weren’t alone. He was now so glad Dizzy crashed the party.
Why’s it this easy to be with him? he asked Sandro.
Maybe you knew him in a past life.
You don’t believe in past lives.
Oh yes, I do. When I met Beauty, I was certain we’d been together in turn-of-the-century France.
I thought you didn’t believe in New Age stuff.
It isn’t New Age. The concept of reincarnation has been in various human religions for over three thousand years.
Really?
I used to be your wife in one of our lives together. We’ve had three.
I had a wife? And it was YOU?
Sandro started barking in delight. Miles tried not to laugh out loud.
“Wait, we have to feed Felix,” Dizzy said to Miles. “I’ll do it.”
There was nothing Miles wanted more in that moment than to feed Felix. He watched mournfully as Felix passed the plastic container to Dizzy, catching Miles’s eye as he did. Did he want Miles to feed him too? Miles was already reliving – in slowest motion – the moment Felix placed that bite of food on his tongue – the way Felix had held his gaze, then stared at his mouth, then swallowed like that.
“Why are you being so normal?” Dizzy asked him, interrupting his reverie as she prepared Felix’s bite with great care. “He’s never like this,” she said to Felix. “I told him the most amazing thing the morning before Wynton’s accident, and he didn’t even look up from his book.”
“What’d you tell him?” Felix asked.
Miles watched the fork rise to Felix’s mouth, to Felix’s mouth, to Felix’s mouth. “About this woman who has orgasms from brushing her teeth.”
Good, Miles thought, let’s all talk about orgasms. Perfect.
Felix almost spit out the bite Dizzy fed him. “That’s not true.”
“It is. It’s a well-known fact.”
“No way it is,” Miles said, joining in. “Dizzy needs a checkup from the neck up.”
Did I say you could use my material?
Both Felix and Dizzy peered at him, their eyebrows raised. “What?” Miles said. “It’s slang.”
“From when?” asked Felix. “The 1940s?”
Felix and Dizzy were laughing, saying back and forth: You need a checkup from the neck up, and the teasing was making Miles feel warm, included. This is what it was like, he thought, to not feel like a hole in the air. What it was like being with Dizzy when Wynton wasn’t around. Then a loathsome crocodile of a thought rose from the deep dark swamp of his mind: He hoped he’d never be around again. So what if one time in seventeen years he acted like a brother, even if it was a biggie like going to effing jail for Miles. What about all the times he acted like an ogre? Humiliating Miles, making him feel like a mite—
No. Jesus. Miles tried to unthink it. He didn’t want Wynton to die, of course not, he wanted to save him, didn’t he? Hence this whole trip. Miles wished he’d stop being a human roller coaster, careening from one extreme to the next, whenever he thought about his brother.
When they were finished eating, the three of them lay on their backs in the flatbed looking up at the sky, like Felix and Miles had in the forest earlier in the day, except now Dizzy was a shield between them.
The night pulsed with stars.
“Why don’t you like Wynton?” Dizzy asked, turning her head to Miles.
“I guess because he’s never liked me.”
“Why don’t you like me, then?”
Miles heard himself gasp; his heart sank. He rolled onto his side, so he was facing his sister. “I do. You’re the coolest. I wish I were more like you. I was thinking that tonight. Truth.”
“Really?” Her voice was frail. He remembered her at the dance a few weeks ago, all alone like a scared bird, remembered her convulsing in sobs by Wynton’s side this morning. He touched her shoulder and she leaned into the touch. “Lizard doesn’t like me anymore,” she said. “And Wyn—” Her voice broke. “He’s my only other friend.”
“I’m your friend too. Okay?” Miles squeezed her shoulder. “Starting now.”
“And me too,” Felix said, which made Dizzy clap her hands together.
She turned her head to him. “I decided you’re too normal to be sent from above.”
“Ouch,” Felix replied.
“It’s okay. Me too. Human through and through. Miles also, now that he’s not perfect anymore.”
Something was dawning on Miles. Was it actually his fault he and Dizzy weren’t close? Could that be right? Had he kicked her off the island? No, Wynton had always hated him, treated him like crap, and made Dizzy hate him too. It was like they were allergic to him his whole life. But Dizzy didn’t seem to hate him now. And why did Wynton go to jail for him? He thought of the moment in the hospital room yesterday when he couldn’t bring himself to let his mother and sister comfort him – even though he’d so badly wanted to.
He pulled Dizzy into his arms.
“I’ve never been this close to you,” she exclaimed. “I didn’t know you smell the color of a California poppy!” It was like hugging a bundle of sticks. Was what she just said true? Had he never hugged his sister before? Ugh. What was wrong with him?
“I’ve been a bad big brother to you, haven’t I?” he whispered. Dizzy didn’t answer, which was the answer. “Wynton’s going to be okay and we’re going to find Cassidy,” he said, his chin resting on her head. It fit perfectly. He was so glad Dizzy stowed away, but now, to feel this. This tenderness toward her. This sunrise inside. “Now tell me what happened with Lizard.”
After a long time, she said, “I thought love was always two ways.”
“Oh, me too, Diz,” said Miles.
“Me three, Diz,” said Felix.
Me four, Diz. I love bonding! We’re all bonding! I’m so happy! Everything smells so good!
When Dizzy was breathing steadily and deeply, Miles picked her up and carried her into the cab and covered her with his sleeping bag. Then, instead of going straight back to the flatbed, he walked down the road into darkness.
He leaned against a tree, thinking about how close he’d felt to Dizzy tonight. He only had one memory of feeling similarly about Wynton, a moment that washed over him sometimes and raised the hair on his skin when it did, like the memory was part of his body. Miles had been really young. Their father was pushing him and Wynton on swings. This was one of Miles’s only clear memories of him too. He and Wyn were both pumping their legs trying to get higher. All he could see was Wynton and all he could hear were his own happy hoots. Then Wynton jumped, so Miles did too, and as they scrambled on the ground, Wynton reached for Miles’s hand, laughter tumbling out of them. Two brothers hand in hand with a father running after them. Evidence that he and Wynton had been tight once. But sometime after this, Wynton had stopped talking to him, even looking at him, no matter what Miles did. He thought about what Felix said today. How you stop hating someone by trying to understand them. Had he ever tried to understand his brother?
When Miles returned to the flatbed, Felix and Sandro were crashed. Because he’d given Dizzy his sleeping bag, he scooted gingerly onto the bed of the truck and rolled himself up in a tarp on the other side from Felix so he didn’t, accidentally, in the night, ravish him, and then marry him on a beach in Hawaii. He turned off the lantern.
“Hey, want to…” he heard Felix say. Miles stilled. “Want to, um…?”
Miles tried to make his voice even as lightning shot through him. “Totally, yeah. Totally.” His voice did not come out even.
Felix took a breath and exhaled slowly, said quietly, “Not like that.”
Panic assailed Miles. Uh-oh. He tried to cover. “No. I didn’t think—” But he did think, he so did, and they both knew it. He buried his burning face in his hands, grateful for the darkness. He’d been so off. Felix was just being caring in the hostel. And friendly in the woods. Nothing more. People didn’t say they were unavailable unless they were unavailable.
“It’s going to sound weird,” Felix said. “But I want to close my eyes and for you to tell me what I’d see if they were open.”
“What?” This was odd. “You mean like describe the stars?”
“Describe everything.”
Was this some kind of good-night ritual Felix’s mother did when he was a kid or something? Seemed like it might be. It was such a personal and strange request that it made Miles less self-conscious about what he’d just thought and said. And hoped.
“You don’t have to,” Felix said. Was he embarrassed?
“Your eyes closed?” Miles asked.
“Yeah.” Miles could hear the smile in Felix’s voice.
Miles breathed deeply, looking around. “So the sky’s like this charcoal-black dome all around us, no” – he sat up – “that’s not quite it. There’s a sheen to it. Like velvet. No, this is better: It’s like a glimmering dome of black water. Know what I mean?”
“Yeah. Awesome.”
Miles felt the smile on his own face now. He lay back down. “Okay, and around the periphery toward the horizon, there’s a kind of lazy spattering of stars but rushing into the center of the dome there’s this full-on flood of them. Like a river overflowing the banks, like so many freaking stars, dude, a tidal wave of them, which is the Milky Way. It’s dimensional, and the thing is: you can almost see it all vibrating tonight.”
Miles rolled onto his side, could discern the outline of Felix’s body, could see his hand was over his eyes. He wanted to lift Felix’s hand and replace it with his own. Whatever this was they were doing felt wholly private and it was bringing Miles right to the edge of the cliff that was his heart. Yes, he thought constantly about having sex with guys, but even with his secret compulsive rereads of Live Forever Now, he didn’t realize how little he thought about loving them. Until now.
Miles said, “Did you know that the atoms in human bodies are billions of years old, some as old as The Big Bang, and so we’re literally stardust, which means you, me, and everyone who’s ever lived is made of this … I don’t know, this elemental brightness. Like we are the stars. We are made of their light. We are light.”
Miles could not believe what was coming out of his mouth and got self-conscious, but Felix said, “So cool,” and joy radiated through Miles. He felt again like he was somehow talking a new person into existence, and that new person was himself, the real deep-down him. He continued. “There’s blackened-out mountains in the distance, silhouettes of trees on top of them, of redwoods shooting into the sky all around us.”
“You’re good at this, Miles.”
Miles talked and talked, and after a while Felix’s breathing got steadier, but even after Miles was sure Felix was asleep, he kept talking, telling him all that he saw in the dark.
When Miles woke later, it was to Felix’s muffled sobs. Sandro was up too.
Do something, he told the dog.
What?
I don’t know. Lick him.
You lick him.
I can’t lick him! C’mon, be a dog. Make him feel better. That’s why you were put on earth.
That is so human-centric, Miles. As if we were put on earth for your—
Don’t get all righteous – sorry, that was insensitive of me. Just help him!
Sandro licked Felix’s face. “Good boy, thanks boy,” Felix murmured.
“You okay, Felix?” Miles said softly.
“Oh yeah, totally,” he said. “Really fine, good. Go back to sleep.”
“You sure?”
“It’s just really … it’s just … so beautiful here.”
Miles flopped onto his back. “Oh my God. You scared me.” He noticed Sandro was still bombing Felix with affection.
You can stop licking him, he’s okay.
He tastes good.
He does?
“Felix?”
“Hmm.”
“What was the mind-expanding experience that happened at the hot springs?”
“I had a threesome in the mineral pool one night. It lasted approximately thirty seconds.”
This turned Miles into a human spark plug. He had to know the gender ratio of this threesome immediately, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. He was bi, so it could be any combination. It was probably with two girls. Two friends who thought he was hot. Naked friends. Didn’t he say no one wore clothes at this place? Oh, he had to find out if it was two girls or a guy and a girl or two guys (!), how he wanted it to be two guys, but he waited too long, because Felix said, “Night dude.”
It took him an eternity of Felix threesome events to fall back asleep.
Perv.
Yeah, I know. Someone should club me.
The next time Miles opened his eyes, it was still dark, but the moon was beaming down on them. He could see Felix in silhouette, could hear his regular breathing. Miles gazed at the moon, the fading stars, thinking how he’d describe it all to Felix. How strange had that been? And then the guy had cried because the night was so beautiful. Even stranger. A thought fell straight into Miles’s head. Because hadn’t Felix also asked Miles to share the best thing he’d ever seen? And the dude practically jumped for joy at the sight of birds, rabbits, rickety old bridges, whatever. And he’d mentioned he had eye issues. Was something going on? With his vision? Was he trying to tell Miles in his way?
Oh God, or maybe – was he dying? Hence the rapture, the despair!
No. That was ridiculous.
He was only thinking like this because of his brother and all that Wynton might lose if he didn’t come out of the coma.
And if he did.
Miles woke for a third time at dawn, this time in a panic, no idea where he was, and when he recalled where indeed he was, the panic gripped him harder. The siren was blaring again. What in the world were they doing in the middle of freaking nowhere with no way for their mother to contact them? What if something had happened in the night? They had to get gas, find Cassidy, and hurry back to the hospital.
He threw off the tarp and sat up. The dawn air was cool, the world still dim and muted. The creek was roaring at him, like it too didn’t know what they were doing there. While the others slept, he climbed a massive alder tree, feeling jittery the whole way up. Sweat beaded down his neck and back as he maneuvered into a makeshift seat on a high branch. The sun was breaking over the mountain, and in the distance, he could see an orchard of some sort, probably oranges or lemons, and beyond that were hills covered in grapevines.
He found himself reeling with the beauty of it all, like he was Felix, and then remembered what had occurred to him in the night. Was he right? Was there something wrong with Felix? He gripped the branch above him, digging his fingers into the bark. And Wynton – would he play violin again? Would he make it, period? Oh man. His thoughts whirled. Why was he in a tree? And why in the world had he thought finding Cassidy was so crucial? What could she do to save Wynton that a staff of doctors couldn’t? Dizzy had brainwashed him. It was all magical thinking, all an excuse because Miles had so badly wanted to see Cassidy again—
Oh! He spotted a barn. A moving tractor! There’d be someone who’d give them enough gas to get to a station. It’d be a walk though.
Less than a half hour later, they began the trek to the farm down the leafy, sun-dappled one-lane highway. Miles walked with the empty gas can, setting a fast pace, consumed as he was with a deluxe guilt-dread combo. His mind was too loud. He couldn’t shake the thought that something terrible might’ve happened in Paradise Springs, while he was up here, quite possibly having the best time of his life.
