The Way Back to You, page 20
I know we’ve been skirting around the subject, but maybe we should address it.
I wrote to you multiple times, and I remember even writing to Ian and Raj via your school to ask them what had happened, and when they didn’t respond either I presumed you just wanted to stop writing. It was so sudden that I was worried that something had happened to you.
Anyway, that was years ago, and we were only teenagers. The past is the past, and it’s nice to be in touch with you again.
Sylvie x
44
What does she mean I stopped writing?
It was Sylvie who stopped writing to me.
And why didn’t Ian ever mention any letters? He was the only one not expelled. He would have still been at school to receive them.
I am still trying to understand and process Sylvie’s message the following morning. I want to ask Ian about everything, but it’s 8 a.m. and he still hasn’t returned from his night out. We were meant to have been on the road an hour ago.
I pace up and down our room, already fully dressed in my Lycra. The electronic beep of the key card registering against the door suddenly wakes me from my whirring thoughts.
I quickly look across the room and see a sheepish Ian plod in.
‘Where the hell have you been? We were meant to have left by now,’ I snap.
‘Good morning to you too,’ he groans. My head may be feeling better, but I can tell his certainly won’t be. Even from a few feet away, he reeks of alcohol. His eyes, which he can barely open, are puffy and bloodshot.
‘I’ve been trying to call you all morning. I didn’t have a clue where you’d got to.’
‘OK, OK, calm down, please don’t shout, my head is a bit sore.’
‘I’ve just been sitting here all morning waiting for you,’ I decide to raise my voice more.
‘What’s the rush? I thought we were meant to be taking it leisurely this time, you know, enjoying the sights.’
‘The sights of what? Of Mel?’
He doesn’t respond as he sits down on his bed, holding his head in his hands, yawning.
‘I need to ask you something about Sylvie.’
‘Do you have to ask right this second? Can it not wait?’
‘Did she write to you?’
‘What do you mean? When?’
He looks away from me.
‘After our original trip, did you get any letters from Sylvie?’
‘Why would she have written to me?’ Ian shrugs his shoulders before picking up his Lycra from his bag. ‘As you say, we’re late, so I’d better hurry up and get ready.’
‘After we got back from our trip, did you ever find any letters for me at school? I never got a chance to go and check.’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Sylvie said that she wrote to both of us? It doesn’t make sense that you didn’t see any of these letters.’
Ian holds his hands to his head.
‘I don’t know. There may have been a letter from her, and, perhaps as you say she may have written to me afterwards but it was so long ago, I can’t remember. It’s history now. Can we just move on? You’re the one making us late now.’
‘So you did receive a letter from Sylvie?’ I push him. His confirmation that Sylvie did continue writing hits home as I realize I had it wrong for all of these years. That all the hurt and pain were unnecessary.
‘I don’t know why you’re getting so worked up. You’re back in touch now, so it’s all good.’
‘What do you mean it’s all good? It was your fault we never met all those years ago, thanks to your complete inability to read a map, and then you didn’t even let me know she wrote to me afterwards. How is that all good?’
‘You’re really still blaming me for her not being there all those years ago?’
Both of us continue to raise our voices.
‘I just don’t understand – why didn’t you try to get the letter to me? Or write back to her explaining what had happened at least? You could have told her that we came to visit? You could have said that I’d left school. You could have put us back in contact!’
‘I don’t know. I was sixteen. I think maybe I sent the first letter back return to sender? Look, I’m sorry. What do you want me to say?’
‘But you’re not sixteen any more. Haven’t you grown up at all? Why didn’t you tell me now? On this trip?’
‘I tried to apologize in the church, but you said I didn’t need to apologize for things that happened all those years ago.’
‘I didn’t mean this! We’ve been spending every minute together. We’ve talked about her. Why did you carry on letting me believe something you knew was wrong? Didn’t you think that I’d find out eventually from her?’
‘I thought you wouldn’t mind if you two finally met. And I guess … I didn’t want this. I didn’t want it to come between us.’
‘So you thought you’d just lie? Pretend it never happened? Like you live your whole life pretending you’re someone else? Someone better?’ I realize as soon as I’ve said this, that I’ve gone too far.
Ian stands up off the bed, his face turning red.
‘OK, do you want to know the reason why I never did anything? I didn’t do anything as it was because of her that I lost my two best friends. That stupid trip was all your idea. We went along with it. We came back, and then what? You and Raj fucked off, didn’t you. What about me? I had to stay on living at school for another two years, with no one. So yes, I didn’t feel like writing to her, or passing on her details – because she ruined our friendship.’
We both fall silent for a moment, as I pause, struggling to digest everything.
‘Sorry, but we didn’t decide to fuck off, as you put it. We were expelled. You were the one who fucked off and left us to take all the blame –’
‘Oh, it’s always woe is me with you, isn’t it? And yes, as you say, maybe I pretend to be someone else, but I’ve done things I wanted to do. What about you? You’re barely living! You say I’m stuck in the past but you’re the one who hasn’t moved on in ten years … you’re never going to move on with your life!’
I can feel my blood boil. I can feel the tension that I’ve suppressed for so many years finally exploding. All the annoying hotel guests, all the grief of Caroline’s death, all the worries that I’ve kept locked away.
‘Do you know what, I can’t do this any more. This whole thing was a stupid idea from the start. Why don’t you just piss off, Ian? It must be time you ran off again!’
I storm out of the room, slamming the door behind me, leaving Ian looking dazed and confused.
I prod the elevator button over and over again, hoping it will make the lift appear faster. But it doesn’t.
I can’t wait. I rush down the four flights of steps to the reception. I’ve wasted enough time today waiting for him. I’m not going to waste any more. I stride across to the storage room where we left our bikes.
I take Ian’s.
He can try cycling on the little pink bike and see how he copes.
I wheel it out of the building, before climbing on. With no one for company, I switch the speakers on and turn the music up loud. I pull out of the hotel car park, on to the main road, and head off – the accusations, regret and remorse whirring around inside my head. I don’t pay any attention to the sweeping landscape, or pause to compare it with how it looked all those years ago.
I don’t even know where I am going. I just want to get away from Ian.
Somewhere, anywhere.
I think about what would have happened had Ian passed on Sylvie’s letters to me.
I think about what he said.
As I try to breathe, and calm down, I realize that, as annoyed I am with Ian, I am more annoyed with myself. I am annoyed that he is right.
I pedal faster and faster.
As I reach a T-junction, I don’t see the car speeding along.
I don’t even hear it.
Not until it’s too late.
45
THEN
July 1975
‘I think we’re going to die!’ Simon whispers, his heart beating out of his chest.
‘Stop pretending! It wasn’t funny when Ian pretended to see a bear,’ Raj replies dismissively.
‘Shhh, I’m not pretending. I really did see something.’ Simon’s face has turned pale as he anxiously looks around the French forest, his eyes darting back and forth.
His palms start sweating as he walks his bike along the path which has vanished into thick grass. Ferns swallow the boys’ bodies, reaching up to their waists, and snapped branches block their route. The vast pine trees which tower above them are now more closely packed together, and the narrow strip of blue sky which had been guiding them is now barely visible.
The supposed shortcut through the forest wasn’t the best idea.
‘It was probably just a bird,’ Ian says coolly.
‘It wasn’t a bird. It was something big. I swear.’
As Simon defends himself, a tree shuffles loudly. All three boys jump. Ian, the highest.
‘See, I told you it was just a bird,’ Ian says, quickly continuing over the uneven and unkempt ground, hoping the other two missed his frightened reaction.
‘I saw it again. I think … I think … it’s a … tiger,’ Simon says, now stuck to the spot. He points with his right arm.
‘A tiger? Don’t be daft, what’s a tiger doing in a French forest?’ There is now a slight wobble in Ian’s voice, replacing the bravado from before. ‘There are no tigers in France are there, Raj?’
‘No. Tigers can be found in the wild in India, China, South East Asia and Russia.’
‘See, Simon, Raj knows everything and he says there are no tigers in France.’
They all stare into the distance where Simon is still pointing, looking closely to see if they can spot any movement.
‘What happens if it’s escaped? Or maybe it’s something which looks just like a tiger then. I don’t know. I just really think we should turn back.’
‘You’re such a scaredy-pants,’ Ian laughs, as his hands start to shake.
‘Shut up! Why did you make us take this shortcut? It was a stupid idea to go through a forest,’ Simon argues back. The tensions of the trip, and lack of sleep, are starting to come to the fore.
‘Do you not think it’s weird we haven’t seen anyone else?’ Raj asks, as they continue looking around. All they see is an endless panorama of trees. Every angle looks the same.
Suddenly, a panting, gnarly roar echoes through the trees.
The boys immediately freeze.
‘How did you do that, Si?’ Raj asks nervously.
‘I didn’t do anything,’ Simon whispers.
‘Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit,’ Ian says, hyperventilating, catching sight of a flash of orange in the distance, and then seeing it clearly as it stops about a hundred metres away. ‘It’s … it’s … over there,’ Ian points, his hand shaking.
The boys look at each other, panicking.
‘Come on, Raj, you’re the clever one. What do we do? Do we run or stay still?’ Simon asks hurriedly, his voice trembling as much as his body.
‘Umm, I don’t know.’
‘How fast can they run?’
‘Very fast. Probably about thirty-five miles per hour.’
‘How fast can we cycle?’
‘In this grass? Not that fast.’
‘What about if we climb a tree?’
‘Tigers can climb trees. They also have very good vision and hearing, and they’re regarded as the strongest and most dangerous of all cats.’
‘OK, genius. We’ve got it. What you’re saying is we’re screwed.’ Ian now looks as pale as a ghost. ‘And … and how do we know there’s not more than one? They might be everywhere. We’re going to be eaten. We’re going to die.’
‘I don’t want to die. This was all your idea!’ Raj argues back.
‘Shhh, shut up, both of you,’ Simon whispers. ‘Let’s just stay still. It might go away.’
The three stand rooted to the ground, their legs shaking.
‘If we’re about to die right now, I just want to say that I love you both, and you’ve been the best friends, and I’m sorry that I made us come through the forest,’ Ian cries.
‘If I don’t survive, I leave my tape recorder to you, Si. And Ian, you can have my magazine collection.’
‘As nice as this moment is, I don’t think maybe this is the time to be talking …’
As Raj steps back slowly, he snaps a twig on the ground, and a flash of orange immediately appears to their right.
‘RUN!’
As the tiger roars again, Ian jumps on his bike and pedals as quickly as he can through the woods.
Simon and Raj are left with no choice but to follow him. All three cycle frantically neck and neck, three in a row. Another roar blows the leaves off the trees. The ground begins to shudder.
‘Is it chasing us?’ Ian shouts out panting, as Raj pulls away, pedalling furiously. He’s never cycled so fast in his life.
‘I don’t know, just keep cycling,’ Simon replies, praying that he doesn’t hear the sound of the tiger again.
Ian does the opposite, and turns around.
‘Oh God, it is. Shit. Shit. Shit. We’re going to die.’
As he looks back at the imposing beast, he doesn’t see the branch sticking out in front of him. His front wheel catches it and the impact sends him spinning to the ground. He scrapes his arm, perforating the skin.
His screech of pain stops Simon in his tracks.
Simon takes a deep breath before he turns his head around, expecting to see that the tiger has pounced on Ian and is devouring his body.
But he can only see Ian rolling around on the ground.
‘Get up! Ian, get up!’ He slams on his brakes, and yells back.
‘I can’t,’ Ian is immobilized, more due to fear than injury.
‘Bloody hell, Ian.’ Simon jumps off his bike and sprints back to where Ian is still lying on the ground. ‘You have to get up.’
Simon desperately tries to pull him up, but he is too heavy to lift.
‘Go on without me.’
‘Don’t be stupid, just get up. Now!’
Simon desperately pulls Ian to his feet, before they both jump back on their bikes, and pedal for their lives until the light at the end of the forest beckons. They don’t look round once, not until they reach the edge of the forest and collapse on to the tarmac which greets them.
‘Oh my God. Has it gone? Are we safe?’ Ian shouts out, barely able to breathe, as they hear the sound of slamming car doors and screaming babies.
They look up to see Raj standing there, unable to hide the smile from his face.
‘What’s so funny? We nearly died!’ Simon says, his heart still racing.
‘You didn’t nearly die.’
‘We did too. The tiger nearly caught us! Si saved my life!’
Raj shakes his head.
‘It was a zoo!’
‘Huh? What do you mean?’
‘The tiger wasn’t in the woods. We were cycling along the back of the zoo. It must have been the tiger enclosure. There must have been a fence separating him from us, that’s why he never came any closer.’
Simon and Ian look at each other, unsure whether to laugh or cry, and then look at their surroundings.
The signs dotted throughout the car park all point towards the entrance to La Palmyre Zoo.
46
As my eyes flicker open, I see Ian looming over me.
Is that what Hell looks like?
I slowly glance around, without moving my head, and realize I must be in a hospital. The room is sparse. The walls are painted in bright pink, and a single window looks directly on to a brick wall. There’s one blue flimsy fold-down seat positioned next to the radiator, which I presume Ian has been sitting on, and the rest of the room is filled with random apparatus – weighing scales, a moveable table, and stacks of plug sockets. The clock reads eleven o’clock, but I’m not sure if that is in the morning or evening.
‘You nearly gave me a heart attack!’ Ian shouts in my face, as if the accident has rendered me deaf. He holds a disposable plastic cup of water in his hand, which he nearly spills over me in his excitement.
‘Don’t have a heart attack. There’s no point in us both being in hospital,’ I reply, quietly, still flickering my eyelids, adjusting to the light. The pain throughout my body is not fully quelled by whatever painkiller they’ve given me.
‘I told you there would be a third bad thing.’
‘Thanks for your wisdom. Why did all three bad things have to happen to me? That doesn’t seem very fair,’ I smile ruefully.
‘How are you feeling?’
‘Like I’ve been hit by a car.’
‘Very funny.’
‘What have they said?’ I ask.
‘They’ve done a few scans and the doctor is meant to be coming any minute to give an update, but it looks like you’ve just lost the one leg.’
I reach down in horror.
Both my legs are still there.
‘You idiot.’
Ian looks very happy with himself.
‘What about the driver?’ I try to recall what happened but it’s all a blur.
‘Don’t worry, he is fine. He just didn’t see you.’
Ian perches down on the bed, proving that my leg is definitely still there as I can now feel him sitting on it. He quickly moves when he sees me flinch.
‘I should have been paying more attention to the road.’
‘Yes, you got lucky. The bike, however, was not so lucky. You seem adamant that you don’t want us to end this trip with a bike! I cycled after you as soon as you stormed off, although I could barely keep up on that small bike.’
I blink my eyes, as I try to recall anything. I can hear the screech of a car. I can feel my body skid across the road.
‘You were the one who found me?’
‘Yes. It was really frightening to see you there, like that, on the ground. The crash must have happened a couple of minutes before I got to you. Fortunately, for once my phone had battery and I was able to call an ambulance.’
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