The Other Side of Leaving, page 21
They were almost at the front of the line now and her mind was running through everything she needed to remember—grab trays, shoes off, laptop out, phone from pocket, wait until they call you forward, stand very still…
“Ready?” June asked, looking Tilly over again.
“Not at all.”
“You’re going to be just fine,” Andi said. “Here.” She maneuvered Tilly so that she was between June and Andi.
“Ah, good idea,” June said. “This way, you’ll be between us and we can protect you from anyone you don’t know pushing in beside you.”
“Oh. Right.” Tilly hadn’t even thought about that. She knew there was pressure to keep things moving. She knew the agents would tell them to keep moving. She knew she had to be efficient. She somehow had not considered that there might be an angry person beside her. Given Snap’s descriptions of airport security, she wasn’t totally sure how she hadn’t considered that, but she was considering it now.
It was their turn next. She took a deep breath. Soon, the first hurdle would be done. She could do this. Probably.
✈
Frankie paced her apartment. It was too early to be up but she’d tried sleeping and it just wasn’t happening for her.
She’d tracked Tilly, June, and Andi’s flight from Burlington to JFK. They’d only just landed. They had their layover and a six-hour flight to LA before they’d be with her. At this rate, she’d be every bit as tired as they were but without a reasonable excuse. I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about seeing Tilly and having her in my apartment again likely wouldn’t cut it.
Well, it might, but it would give away far, far too much. It was just… Tilly. Tilly was coming. She was taking her first flight, her first trip out of New England. And it was for Frankie.
Add to that the fact that they still hadn’t spoken and confusion was Frankie’s overwhelming emotion. She’d been so sure June wouldn’t have been able to get Tilly on that plane, so sure Tilly would never want to see her again. What did it mean that she was coming?
And what had June bribed her with to get her here?
The thought ate at Frankie. It must be something big. She wanted to know what it was. She wanted to know what June knew.
She wanted to throw up.
Her apartment was not big enough for three guests. Well, it was, but things were going to get very awkward and very cozy and she didn’t know if she could handle that. Technically, she had just enough bed space for three guests. Her couch pulled out into a double bed, the kind you’d only share with someone you were intimate with, and then there was a space next to her in the actual bed. Two months ago, that would have been fine, she and Tilly would have been able to share either. Now? She wasn’t so sure. Did she invite Tilly to join her in bed? Was there a way to do that without it sounding like a proposition? Did she ask June to share the bed and put Andi and Tilly in the sofa bed? They were friends but Frankie wasn’t sure they were that close.
She flicked the coffee machine on, anxiously drumming her fingers on the countertop. It was possible she was becoming Tilly with this level of anxiety. She paused. If she was this anxious, she could only imagine how anxious Tilly must be. The poor woman was likely imagining an alien abducting her plane while they were in the air. She really hoped Tilly didn’t choose to watch any scary movies on the flight. That would be the last thing she needed.
Her phone chirped and Frankie jumped out of her skin, somehow managing to bang her hip into the counter as she did. She spun around to pick her phone up, deciding as she did that she was going to have to make do with decaf coffee today. She didn’t need to be more highly strung.
Landed in JFK safe and sound, June’s message read.
Frankie breathed a sigh of relief. The first leg was done and it didn’t sound like they’d been abducted by aliens so that was promising.
Sense would have dictated that she not immediately reply, that she pretend to be asleep, at least for another few hours, but she’d never really been one for sense.
How was the flight? How’s Tilly doing? She could picture June’s smug expression as she read the message only too well, but what did it matter at this point? Tilly was coming. Frankie was about to get to see her two favorite people in the same place again. Not to mention the massive show of bravery from the woman she adored most in the whole world. This might be the best and worst birthday Frankie had ever had.
She looks like she’s going to pass out during takeoff and landing. She’s done her research, of course, and she knows those are the most dangerous times in the flight. June replied. Also, why are you up? Or do I not even need to ask?
She knows that statistically it’s still very safe, even during those moments, right? Frankie replied, ready to insist June tell her that if she didn’t already know.
She does. But it’s Tilly… Also, I’m taking your lack of a response as confirmation that you’re up because you’re having a gay panic over seeing Tilly again.
It wasn’t as though Frankie could deny it. That was exactly what was happening. Even if she denied it, there was no way June would believe her.
She shook her head and exited the conversation. It didn’t matter if June knew. They both knew. Acknowledging it didn’t make it go away. What mattered was Tilly and how they were going to get through this weekend.
Tilly needed reassurances right now, she needed one less thing to worry about.
Frankie needed to talk to Tilly.
She opened their conversation thread, quiet for far too long now. I hope you’re doing okay on your first flights. I can’t wait to see you.
It was true and Tilly needed to know it. She needed to know things could go back to normal between them, that this weekend was going to be okay, that Frankie wanted her here.
Frankie put her phone down again and set about making her decaf latte. One with lots of milk and too much sugar, but she needed it. It was fine. When she calmed down, she’d eat something sensible for breakfast. Maybe, by that point, it would be a reasonable time to be up and eating breakfast.
✈
Tilly stared at her phone. Frankie had texted her.
Part of her was convinced it was a stress-induced hallucination, her brain giving her the thing she wanted most because it couldn’t handle any more anxiety. She briefly wondered what the protocol was if you had a mental break in an airport.
She clicked out of the message and then came back to it. The text was still there. Frankie really had texted her.
Her breathing sped, her heart pounding. She had no idea how to deal with this, or what it meant. For weeks, nothing. Now, this? Was it a good thing? Did it mean they were okay?
Was she supposed to text back? She probably was, right? Showing up having left Frankie on read would not bode well for the weekend. But what was she supposed to say? She had no idea what the etiquette was when your best friend who you were in love with and made out with but then stopped talking to texted you again when you were on your very first flight ever to see them.
She winced. That probably wasn’t a situation a lot of people found themselves in. There likely wasn’t any etiquette, which meant they were making this up as they went along and that meant a million wrong turns she could take.
“Here,” June said, reappearing in front of where Tilly was sitting with their carry-on and holding out a milkshake for her. “I got you chocolate. I know it’s early but it feels like a day where you might need a morning chocolate shake.”
Tilly nodded gratefully. June had no idea exactly how much she needed that chocolate shake. Honestly, even Tilly hadn’t known how much she needed it until it was being thrust upon her.
June smiled, sitting down with her own and Andi’s milkshakes. “You doing okay?”
“Yeah,” Tilly managed to say between sips. She wasn’t sure she was, but the chocolate was soothing and her previous anxiety about seeing Frankie had morphed into something slightly different, something slightly more hopeful and tingly.
“You’re doing great,” June said sincerely.
“Thanks. I’m really glad you and Andi are here.”
“Me too.” She hesitated, looking at Tilly carefully. “And I know it’s been hard between you and Frankie lately, but she’s really looking forward to seeing you.”
Tilly was certain the bottom of her stomach had dropped out. That did seem to be the case, but hearing it from June ramped up the nervous butterflies in Tilly’s stomach. “I’m looking forward to seeing her too.”
It was true and maybe that was all she needed to tell Frankie.
✈
Frankie rolled up and down on the balls of her feet. This was it. Their flight had landed. June, Andi, and Tilly were here. In LAX.
She was so excited to see June and thrilled Andi had come too, but all of that paled next to the fact that Tilly was here.
When she’d texted Tilly while they were in JFK, she hadn’t expected a reply, and, if she had imagined something, she would not have landed on the I can’t wait to see you either she got in response. She’d looked back at it almost every five minutes since, her heart doing a funny little dance each time. And now, the moment was finally upon them.
She glanced up at the arrivals screen again as if it would give her a live camera feed of Tilly and exactly where she was in the terminal. Most likely was that they were in baggage claim, which Frankie could totally go down to… But that could result in them losing each other in the terminal and a longer time before they saw each other.
She and June had agreed on a place to meet and she was going to stay put no matter how difficult doing so was.
“Frankie,” June’s voice called, and that alone—knowing she was back in the same place as June—made her feel fuzzy. But, when she whirled towards the sound and saw Tilly, bright red and nervous and every bit as perfect as Frankie remembered, she felt like she could happily die.
“Hi,” Frankie gasped, suddenly unable to move from her spot. She was overcome with emotions too complicated to name. But here, in LAX, she was with Tilly again.
And Tilly was giving her that beautiful, nervous little smile that felt like everything.
Twenty-Five
Tilly stared at the bed—a double, but still. She wasn’t sure why it hadn’t occurred to her earlier that sleeping would be complicated in a studio apartment in LA where space was at a premium. Though, it was probably a good job it hadn’t. If she’d even begun to entertain the options now before her, she’d never have gotten on that plane.
Frankie faltered. “Or, you know, we can go get an inflatable mattress from the store. That would probably be better. I probably should have done that before you arrived, sorry.”
Tilly looked at the others. Frankie was fidgeting and barely able to look at her, June and Andi were standing awkwardly off to the side, barely able to take their eyes off her.
She took a deep breath. It was two nights. “No, it’s fine. This is great. There’s not enough space to start installing inflatable mattresses comfortably, and it’s only two nights, right? It’s not like we haven’t slept in the same bed before.”
She said it before really processing whether drawing attention to that was the best idea. Once the words were out, she couldn’t take them back, but she was mortified at the look on everyone’s faces as she referenced their before life.
This weekend was going to be every bit as awkward as she’d worried, but it was still time with Frankie and she couldn’t be dismayed entirely.
“Well,” June said in what she clearly hoped was an upbeat voice that could sidestep all of the awkward energy bouncing around the room, “if that’s settled, it would be great to get a little rest. We want to be alert for the beach later.”
“Sounds good,” Frankie said, still not looking at Tilly. “I’ll grab some coffee and hang out on the balcony while you all get some sleep.”
Tilly glanced again at the glass doors that opened onto the tiny balcony. She imagined it would be a wonderful place to sit in the evening or to watch the sunrise in the morning.
Land might come at a premium in LA, but it wasn’t like she couldn’t see the appeal. The weather was famously wonderful, the apartment was exactly the right size for one or two people, it had a balcony, and things just seemed to feel alive here. All of it made Tilly glad she’d come. There was so much to see in the world outside of Vermont and, while she still loved her home, she couldn’t wait to catch up on all of the things she’d been missing.
Including sleep since she’d been up since before the crack of dawn.
She waited for Andi and June to each be done in the bathroom before heading in herself. The momentary respite from being trapped in a small space with Frankie was helpful. She breathed deeply, washed her face, and tried not to think about Frankie in the shower.
When she finally lay down in the surprisingly comfortable bed, the exhaustion of traveling for the first time and having been up so early collapsed down on her so heavily that she only spent a few minutes panicking about the fact that she was in Frankie’s bed and wondering what it was going to be like at night when Frankie was there too before sleep overcame her.
However, when she awoke and the first thing she saw was Frankie watching her sleep, all of those worries rushed back in in point two seconds flat. She hoped she hadn’t been talking or snoring or doing something else embarrassing, doubly so when she realized the other two were already awake.
Attempting to be subtle, she looked around for a clock, wondering just how long she’d been asleep.
“Don’t worry,” Frankie said, evidently deciding to bypass all the awkward, unspoken rules to demonstrate just how well she knew Tilly. “You’ve only been asleep for an hour and ten minutes. These two only just woke up.”
Tilly watched her hand gesture to June and Andi who were in the kitchen helping themselves to coffee and fruit juice. She felt better for not having slept for hours while everyone else waited for her but the ache in her chest when Frankie was like this hurt. It was like nothing had happened between them, as if everything in the world was just fine. Tilly wasn’t really sure what to do with that. Was she supposed to be glad, or was she allowed to be confused and upset about what it meant?
She wanted so badly for things to be okay between them. Perhaps if she wished it hard enough, she could will it into being while they were in the same place. She smiled. “Great. When are we leaving?”
Frankie turned to look at June who, despite not being the one who lived here, was the event organizer for the weekend. She’d insisted Frankie was not in charge of her own birthday celebrations.
June turned to look at the clock on the cooker. “In about an hour? That gives us time to wake up. Then, we can go buy picnic food and head to the beach?”
“Sounds good,” Tilly said, forcing herself to meet Frankie’s eye. It was a giddy thing to do. Every time they looked at each other, Tilly’s whole system seemed to malfunction. She’d never had anything like that happen to her before Frankie and she wondered how she’d managed to live so long without having known that rush.
She clambered out of Frankie’s bed, trying to ignore the way Frankie watched her and the way she seemed a little bereft at Tilly leaving it. As she walked by Frankie on her way to the kitchen, she peered into Frankie’s mug. “Is that the same coffee as before or another one?”
Frankie laughed sheepishly. “Another one.”
Tilly smiled. It felt nice to do this with Frankie again, even with the barely concealed undercurrent between them. “You want to be careful. Too much more coffee and you’ll be bouncing off the walls all night.”
Frankie smirked. “More than I usually am, you mean?”
Tilly paused, tilting her head. “Fair point.”
“Are you telling me,” Frankie said, leaning against the wall and watching Tilly find her way around the kitchen to help herself to a glass of water, “that you don’t want to sleep next to someone who is amped up on caffeine?”
“That is exactly what I’m telling you,” Tilly replied with a smile before taking a sip of her water. She was fighting the urge to ask if using a glass and drinking water were okay things to do. Every bone in her body wanted to check it was okay, but, with the way Andi and June were moving around the room, Tilly knew she’d look weird if she asked.
“Shocking,” Frankie said over the rim of her mug before taking another swig. “But don’t worry, it’s decaf.”
“Ah,” Tilly said lightly. “So you’ll just be hopped up on all the sugar you add to it.”
“Hey!” Frankie protested with a laugh. “There’s not that much sugar in it.”
“Oh, there definitely is.” Tilly laughed and her whole being felt lighter than it had in months. It was like going back to before they knew which date Frankie would be leaving. She realized she hadn’t felt calm or at peace the whole time she’d been counting down to Frankie leaving, and she definitely hadn’t since they kissed. But this, this was them again almost, and that was the best feeling in the world.
She reached around June to grab a couple of the chocolate-covered pretzels June and Andi were snacking on and saw the look they were giving each other. She knew that look, knew what they were thinking without either of them speaking. But she didn’t know if she was happy about the loaded look, the expressions that acknowledged that everyone in the room knew Tilly was flirting with Frankie, or whether it was just another reminder of how she was setting herself up for heartache yet again.
✈
Tilly sat down as close as she was willing to get to Frankie, aided by the fact that they were four people squeezing onto one blanket with a pile of food in the middle.
It wasn’t yet sunset and the sand off the edge of the blanket was warm where Tilly dug her feet into it. Something about a warm Saturday night with friends at the beach, the Santa Monica pier alive with lights and life in the background, made Tilly feel glad to be alive, glad she’d made it all the way to the other side of the country. She was sure everyone who lived here didn’t spend every Saturday night picnicking at the beach—especially not with the special two-tier cake June had secretly ordered from a nearby bakery in tow—but there was nothing to say that this couldn’t be life. Tilly thought she might be able to get used to it without too much trouble. She loved her life in Vermont, but being in California was already showing her all of the other things there were in life. Even through her anxiety, she couldn’t wait to experience them all. Maybe she’d even be able to leave the country sometime soon.
