My Dead World, page 20
Holding my daughter, I looked up to my father, then to Addy in my arms, and finally to Katie.
“Yes, baby,” I said to her. “I am so sorry I said that. Mommy is just upset. I’ll never say it again. More than anything I want to live for you. So you do me a favor, okay?” I sniffed. “You stay as far away from this cabin right now as you can. Because I need you to stay well.”
I also knew that if I wanted to ‘live’ for Katie then I had to do everything in my power, as well, not to get sick. That meant laying Addy in the bed and being cautious of my own safety. If it was just me, perhaps I wouldn’t care. But it wasn’t just me. It was my daughter, my father and everyone else that formed a bond in that cabin.
Not to say I would leave Addy’s side. I didn’t. I didn’t take her from the cabin either.
Sheets, clothing, pillows could be replaced, but those final moments with my daughter could not.
I was angry, criticized Lisa for taking the life of a sick child not even twelve hours after Hannah came down with the symptoms. As I sat with my own daughter, I realized why Lisa did what she did.
That twelve hour mark threw my daughter into a state of weakness. The word suffer wasn’t strong enough to describe what she went through. She had thrown up so much blood, her body was white except for the portions of her body with necrosis. She went into seizures for minutes at a time. Each time ending with me begging her, “Breathe, baby, breathe.”
In my heart, soul and mind, I did everything I possibly could to make her comfortable. We tried to get fluids into her, but there wasn’t a single vein that was viable.
Truth was … I wasn’t doing everything.
I knew my one option, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. How does a mother make that choice?
No one wanted to bring it up to me though I sensed that every person that stepped in that cabin thought it.
My father would come in, stroke Addy’s head, kiss me, then leave. He focused on Katie.
Cade would come in, check on Addy, say nothing and leave.
If I were in their position I don’t think I would be brave enough to suggest it. After all, I was never a fan of the idea.
Then finally, someone did.
I was sitting in a chair next to Addy, holding her hand, listening to her cry in her sleep, while her body trembled from the fever. She had just come out of another seizure and vomiting episode, I cleaned her and changed her.
Lev walked in, pulled up a chair next to me. “Everyone’s sleeping,” he said. He extended his reach passed my chest and he placed a syringe on the nightstand.
“What are you doing, Lev?” I spoke softly, my emotions causing my voice to crack.
“No, Nila …” Lev spoke with compassion. “What are you doing?”
“What?”
“No one wants to say it. So I will. Enough, Nila. It has to be enough.”
“No one will say it because it isn’t their child.”
“It’s not.” Lev shook his head. “And the pain you are feeling is unimaginable. Crushing. But …”
“No buts. I know what the needle is for, Lev. I know what you’re asking me. I …” I faced him and softened my voice. “I can’t. I know what’s going to happen to her. I know there’s no cure. I just can’t.”
“Why?”
I huffed out an emotional laugh. “She’s my daughter. And I want every single second with her that I can get. I can’t do it. I’m sorry. How do I live with knowing I was the one who ended her life?”
“How will you live knowing that she suffered all the way to the end? There’s no silent departure. It’s horrible. Painful. It’s not fair to her. It isn’t. She shouldn’t have to go through this because you want to hold on. As hard as that is to hear, it needs to be said.”
“So…. what? You want me to just inject her, kiss her and watch her die?”
“All that she is going through, will stop.”
I shook my head. “I don’t have the courage to do it.”
“Then get someone else to do it.”
“Like my father? Cade? No. It’s not fair. It’s my responsibility. I could very well end up hating them for doing something I couldn’t do.”
“Then listen to what I am saying.” Lev grabbed my hand. “Kiss her, walk out, get some air and come back in and hold her.” His voice squeaked. “Hold her until …. Until.”
My eyes widened. “No. Lev. It’s …”
“I’ll be the one you hate. If it stops her pain, it’s what needs to be done. I’d rather have you hate me than watch your family and this baby suffer another minute.”
I locked eyes with Lev, looking at the hurt in them. It was breaking his heart to talk to me about it. I saw it. Firmly, I squeezed his hand and just stared at him for a moment. Leaning forward, I kissed him on the cheek. I started to say, “Thank you”, but he stopped me.
“Don’t … don’t say it. Okay? Just go.”
My hands and body shook out of control.
He had said to me, “Kiss her, walk out, get some air and come back in and hold her. Hold her until …. Until.”
That was exactly what I did.
Before my final goodbye to my daughter, before those quiet peaceful last breaths, I didn’t go outside. Arms tight to my body, I silently cried in agony as I paced about the living area of the cabin. I wonder if I had done the right thing, made the right decision, and once again, Katie spoke to me. This time it wasn’t words. She had added a new drawing to the mural.
It was not typical Katie gloom and doom. Instead it was a flower of bright and vivid colors, the pedals were hearts, and above it was Addy’s name. The intention of the mural was to remember, to document. Katie saw it. There was more to Addy than her sickness and death. She was beauty and optimism. That was how I had to think of her. Not the child in the bed. Thankful for the years I had, not remorseful of the ones I wouldn’t get.
While staring at the mural, Lev called my name. It caused my stomach to flip.
Addy was covered and no longer trembling. Her breaths were slow and calm and she stopped whimpering. Her last moments in this world were not painful, not filled with suffering.
I pulled her into my arms and held her. Lev stayed in the room. He faced the corner, his head against the wall. I couldn’t imagine what he was going through. He stayed that way until Addy passed.
I expected to truly feel rage at that second, to scream at Lev for killing my child. That wasn’t the case.
Addy and I had been battered in a war with the virus and it was over. I didn’t hate him. I didn’t hate him at all. He took on an unthinkable and agonizing task and for that, how could I feel anything less than love for my friend.
TWENTY-NINE – SPROUTING
May 31
The immediate days following Addy’s death were the hardest. It was tough to get out of bed, to smile. I wanted badly to just see her face. Thankfully, I had my phone and I looked at pictures constantly. I kept it charged but always had it in the back of my mind that it could die.
The more the days passed and the more we didn’t see illness, the easier it was.
I still missed my daughter and knew I forever would.
We started to finally ease into a routine. Every day: draw on the mural, plan the meals, work the garden, chase the chickens, talk on the radio, kill a straggler. Not always in that order.
Stragglers were a daily occurrence. Sometimes one or a few. Never more than three. I envisioned that one day a huge horde would encircle us, just like in the movies, and in books. That was unrealistic considering the more a straggler moved the more they fell apart.
We always got an extra straggler on days my father or Lev went fishing. Like they hung out at the lake or something.
They had become such the norm that they didn’t faze Katie. If she was out in the yard and saw one, annoyed, she’d find Lev or Cade, and say, “Take care of them, will you. It smells.”
It had been since the day Addy got sick that I talked to my brother. I tried. Lev and I went to Landings Peek often, but not only was there no answer, after ten days it never even rang.
The last we knew Bobby was in quarantine and I had resolved myself to the fact that he was probably sick.
We were not without knowledge, though. The radio check ins became common place and my trust grew in those I spoke with.
We learned a lot from each other such as infected could rage for up to four days before they died and were less of a threat, but more of a nuisance. Places the military were still active and what areas were completely dead.
Of course, there was a lot of playful banter, which truly helped my mood. The big joke was my lack of cooking ability and mad gardening skills.
I was alright with that.
We were fortunate. Not that the other camps weren’t isolated, location wise they were vulnerable. Some got hit with those hordes I worried about.
We held the record for length of time without anyone getting sick.
A week after Addy died, Cade decided he needed to find his family. He promised he’d be back and he was, pretty fast. He got to the city limits of Erie and turned around.
He said, “it’s a sea of whatever you want to call them.”
I was pretty excited to deliver the news to the radio groups. I finally had something to contribute. My enthusiasm was short lived when Hal, one of the radio buddies laughed.
“Well, hell, any of us could have told you that. Populated areas are overrun. Problem is you got people hunkering in the cities, they go out for food, get bit, start the whole waiting business over again. Didn’t need numb nuts to go into the thick of it to know that.”
Hal was right. Not about Cade being numb nuts, but the wait.
If when the news of infection broke, people just locked up and stayed inside for two weeks, it would be done. After all, weren’t we supposed to have two weeks’ worth of food in our house at all times? I did. Not on purpose. It wasn’t food I liked, but it was food we could eat.
We were human. Eventually people would leave their safe haven, if not for food, for other reasons. We’re driven.
However, we had planned to stay put. Despite that we dabbled in thoughts of going out to ‘check on things’, Cade’s adventure, which was two weeks exactly after we arrived at camp, told us the outbreak was still in full force.
For the time being we were good. No one was sick or infected. We were healing our emotional wounds, starting a new life behind a fence.
After all the death, life at any cost was a welcome relief. I just prayed it wasn’t short lived.
THIRTY – ACHILLES
June 9
“What the hell is that?” my father asked, as he watched me place a circle over the day X’d out on the calendar.
“Yesterday. We didn’t see a straggler,” I said. “I figured I’d mark it down when we had clear days. Keep track. The more clear days, the more likely this thing is almost over.”
“Well that’s dumb.”
“Can you please be a little supportive of my ideas?”
“I’ll try.”
“Thank you.”
“What’s that for?” Cade asked when he walked in.
I explained it to him and he was even less impressed than my father. He just went to the jar to grab some granola, then walked to the wall to see the mural.
“Katie is really getting good at this,” Cade pointed. “Look she has Edi tending to the garden.”
“I thought that was me.”
“No, it’s Edi. She draws you as a bald woman.”
“Speaking of Edi …” I walked over to him. “Have you checked on Manny?”
“No, why would I?”
“He’s not feeling well. I thought she was going to tell you.”
My father spoke up. “If you want my opinion, I think they have resolved themselves to just letting him pass.”
Cade spun around in a bit of shock, his mouth open.
“That’s ridiculous,” I snapped, then stormed out the back door to the Reis’ trailer.
Edi was out front watering her flowers.
“Hi, Mrs. Reis. Where’s Manny?” I asked.
“He’s taking a nap.”
“It’s ten in the morning.”
“He was up early.”
“You said yesterday he wasn’t well. How is he today?”
“He’s the same.”
Cade approached us. “What’s wrong with him?”
“He doesn’t have that virus,” She nodded assuredly. “That’s for sure. It’s age and it’s nothing that can be helped.”
“Just tell me,” Cade said.
“He ran out of his heart medicine a few days ago and another one of them. I …”
Edi stopped speaking when Cade went into the trailer. A few seconds later, he came to the door and asked me to get his bag. I retrieved it and Cade went back in to examine Manny.
I thought I had seen everything in Cade’s red bag, but I never noticed the thick paperback. He searched through it as we sat at the kitchen table. He seemed in his own world, Edi to his left, me to his right, and Lev standing as if on guard behind him.
“What are you looking for?” I asked.
“Medicine. Manny is in congestive heart failure,” Cade said as he searched and wrote down something. “Aside from his normal meds, there are other things we need to get to help him.”
Edi lifted her hands. “Like I said. Nothing to be done. He is out of medication and the things in that book, I’m certain you can’t substitute at the animal clinic.”
“I can’t, you’re right,” Cade said. He lifted his notepad. “These medicines are very specific.”
Lev snapped his finger. “There’s a Rite Drug Pharmacy in Evans City. Plus if I’m not mistaken, some mom and pop drug store as well.”
“That’s what I was thinking,” Cade replied. “We can go there and get supplies. The stores may be cleared, but I bet these pills aren’t.”
“No.” I shook my head. “We tried that, remember. Evans City is locked up tighter than this camp.”
“But it’s been nearly a month,” Cade said. “Maybe if we go and explain … take Manny’s empty pill bottles, maybe they’ll let us in for that. Even if they don’t, they may get them for us.”
“I can’t ask that,” Edi shook her head. “It’s too dangerous. Manny and I are not young people. We are fine with this.”
“I’m not,” I said. “I’m not. It doesn’t matter how old you are. You’re life in this camp and I am not losing that without a fight.” I stood up. “I’ll grab my gun. Lev … can you watch Katie while we go?”
“No.” Lev said strongly. “You can’t go out there. No.”
“What are you going to do, go figure out the meds yourself?”
“I’ll go with Cade,” Lev told me.
“Then what?” I questioned. “Leave the camp vulnerable. No offense to my dad, but you and Cade are our strong ones. Both of you can’t be gone. I’ll go. We’ll grab some stuff, take one of the radios from Big Bear and we’ll be back in a few hours.”
Lev folded his arms and looked down to me. “You just want a reason to go out there.”
“Maybe I do,” I said. “Maybe Evans City has information. We won’t know if we don’t try.”
“What if there are too many infected out there?” Lev asked.
“Then we’ll think of something else. I’m not worried about stragglers, we can out run them.”
The look on Lev’s face told me he was against it. I wanted to tell him he wasn’t in charge of me, but I didn’t. He was only trying to be that protector. Lev stopped arguing his case when my father was fine with it.
As my father put it, he trusted me with my own safety. But Lev only trusted one person with my safety and that was himself.
Edi came up with a good idea. Things had been out of commission for a while, if Evans City was locked down tight, they very well could be in need. She made a list of items that included water, a jar of beans, a few eggs, a pint of bourbon from Lisa’s stash and a few other things. She put them in a box, even tucked one of her knish in there and called it our bartering tool.
Bringing a gift or peace offering, was a sign of good will.
It was fast becoming a new kind of world and she had a valid point.
We took my father’s SUV, put the box in the back seat, and pulled to the gate where Lev waited to let us out. He signaled me to step out of the SUV before he opened the gate.
I stepped from the passenger’s side and walked around.
“You be careful,” he said.
“I will.”
“Radio check, please.”
“It works.”
“I’ll feel better if I hear that it works.”
After a heavy exhale, I reached behind me for the radio that was clipped on my belt.
“Why do you have your phone?” Lev asked. “You could break it.”
Cade answered for me. “She takes a ton of pictures, or did you forget about the photo op with pool house man.”
I lifted my shoulders. “I like to take pictures. I want to capture everything. You never know. You just never know.” I turned on the radio, it hissed.
“Can you do me a favor and radio me when you get there?”
“Yes. I promise.”
“I don’t like this.”
“I know you don’t.
“If I don’t hear from you. I’ll come looking for you.”
“Somehow I believe that. I’ll be fine. Watch our camp. We won’t be gone long.” I ran my hand down his arm as my way of reassuring him and walked back round to my side. Before I got in, I gave a nod to Lev.
He unlocked the gate.
“We’re not going on vacation,” Cade said as he pulled out, waving to Lev as we passed. “We’re going twenty-two miles away. I mean, what could go wrong?”
“I hate when people say that. Something always does.”
“Not in this case,” Cade said. “I’m certain.”
Fearful of jinxing anything, I refrained from expressing my agreement. I was sure we wouldn’t run into problems getting and returning from our short jaunt. My only uncertainty was whether or not Evans City would accept out bartering gift and give us the medication, or just send us on our way.
