All It Takes, page 15
part #1 of Light My Fire Series Series
He waited for another moment before he stepped back, saying, “I know what you mean about Ross, and I’ll give you space. Just think about what I said.”
I watched as he walked away, feeling utterly bereft and gutted. That restless urge to flee thrummed through my body, mingling with a desire to chase after Wes, to grab him with both hands and tell him I loved him too, tell him he was everything I wanted.
Instead, I held the door handle and watched as he climbed into his SUV and drove away.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Tiffany
I studied at my computer screen at work, playing shuffleboard with Alice’s and the new vet tech’s schedule. Farrah had fit right in here. She picked up many of the appointments for routine shots and other issues Alice could pass off. We were busy enough that I knew we needed to look into getting a second vet tech and possibly hiring another veterinarian. Alice wasn’t ready to go there yet, but I was prepared to talk her into it sometime soon.
The chime above the door in the waiting area rang out. I finished making one change before glancing up to see Mr. Green, my favorite high school teacher, walking through the door with a cat carrier in hand. The moment I saw him, bitterness chased through me.
I deeply resented the fact that Mr. Green, a man I’d looked up to and trusted, ended up having a fling with my mother. I also hated that I knew this. It was only one weekend, but it still happened.
I had long ago come to terms, even before she died, with my mother. When my father actually spoke to me about my mother, he acknowledged that he hadn’t taken her two flings as anything other than her tendency not to be able to be committed, or tied down, to anything or anyone.
I understood that, but Mr. Green had broken my heart. He met my eyes as he walked across the waiting area, setting the cat carrier on the counter. I’d learned about the affair from his daughter, an old friend from high school. She lived out of town now. Beyond telling me about it and being furious at her father and my mother, we had never discussed it again. I felt pressed to actually apologize to her, which was ridiculous.
Not that she’d expected it. I’d constantly felt like I had to apologize for the woman my mother was and the mess she left in her wake. Mr. Green dipped his chin, offering, “Hello, Tiffany. I’m here for”—he peered into the cat carrier with a soft smile—“Chester’s appointment.” His eyes met mine again.
The cat in question, Chester, stared at me through the screened view of the door to his carrier. He looked disgruntled and offended about the situation in which he found himself. I took a deep breath, schooling my expression to neutral, or trying like hell to do so. Chester let out an angry meow.
When I looked back over at Mr. Green, his gaze was steady. “Okay!” I squeaked.
I was ready to cry, but dammit, I wasn’t going to burst into tears in front of Mr. Green. I stared at my computer screen and tapped a few keys, barely able to focus. A twisty sense of uncertainty and anxiety slithered through me.
This feeling was unfortunately familiar, and I hated it. It was tied to my mother and would forever be. I associated it solely with her and my younger years when she took me with her as she bounced from job to job. Never knowing what was going to happen didn’t feel good. It was also so discombobulating to experience her alternate from treating me with gushing attention to ignoring me when my presence was inconvenient for her.
I’d seen Mr. Green a few times since I had learned of his betrayal. Intellectually, I knew he wasn’t the one who had betrayed me. Yet he was… Because I looked up to him, I respected him, and I liked him. He’d been my favorite teacher in high school. Chase’s too.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his tone steady and warm.
When I looked up at him, I burst into tears. I never looked away, and I sensed he felt helpless and uncertain, wanting to fix the situation yet not even knowing how.
All the while, Chester stared at me as if he somehow realized I was dragging his time out here in the dreaded veterinarian clinic.
Mr. Green’s next words made me feel as if he could read my mind. “Tiffany, I’m sorry. I’ve seen you a few times recently, and you usually avoid me. I know you know what happened. I regret it deeply. I have apologized to Chase and your father, but I haven’t had the opportunity to apologize to you. I made a terrible mistake. It hurt my wife, my daughter, and your family.”
I snatched a tissue out of the box on the corner of my desk, blowing my nose noisily before looking up at him and shaking my head. “It’s not your fault. It’s my mother’s fault.”
The empathy in his eyes almost hurt. Chester meowed. “Your mother was responsible for her actions, of course. But so am I. I regret how this has affected so many people. If I could repair the damage, I would. I’m simply trying to own it and move forward. A part of that is acknowledging that I’m sure it’s affected your respect for me.”
The tightness in my chest eased just the tiniest bit. Of course, he had to go and just own it while my mother wasn’t here to do that. She’d never owned up to any of her actions and their consequences.
“Thank you,” I finally said.
He dipped his chin in acknowledgment. “I wish there was more I could do.” He paused, and we both looked at Chester when he let out a wail.
Mr. Green looked back at me, shrugging sheepishly. “Chester is not happy to be here.”
“The vet tech will come up to get him,” I began as I started to reach to tap the buzzer.
Mr. Green shook his head quickly. “Chester can wait for a minute. I just want to say that I don’t know everything about your relationship with your mother. I know it was difficult for you and your brother when you were in high school. Maybe she wasn’t the type of person to consider her own actions and the effect they had on others, but she did love you, even if she didn’t have the capacity to show it. We are all flawed. Lord knows I’m proof of that. I hope for your own sake that you can find some peace in knowing that you are not her. You are your own person. She was looking for something impossible to find outside one’s self. You have it already. You just have to believe it, to believe in your own worth.”
This was why Mr. Green had been my favorite teacher in high school. It wasn’t that he had deep conversations all the time with students. It was more his steady presence, his centered self, and the way he treated everyone with dignity and respect. Considering how ridiculous high school students could be, that was saying something.
This was why it had been so shocking to discover he’d had a brief fling with my mother. I hadn’t thought he would ever be so ridiculous as to fall for her kind of gaudy, effusive flirtatiousness.
“Okay.” That was all I could think to say.
“Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you would a good friend. You’ve always been a good friend.”
I swallowed through the tightness in my throat and managed to take a shaky breath. “Okay,” I repeated.
Just then, Farrah came through the side door. She glanced at Mr. Green and me. “Oh, is that Chester?” she asked, gesturing to Chester, who let out an operatic wail as he looked over at her.
Her eyes landed on mine. It was obvious I’d been crying. But Mr. Green was here, so her worried eyes shifted from me to him.
I gathered myself quickly, saying, “This is Chester. And Mr. Green, my favorite high school teacher.” My chirpy voice was almost too bright.
Farrah smiled at him before shooting another glance at me. “Are you ready to go in the back?” she finally asked.
Mr. Green nodded. “Whenever you are. Chester is known for playing dead once we get in there.”
Farrah snorted a laugh, and I couldn’t help but giggle. “Well, that’s a change of pace,” she mused as she lifted the cat carrier. They walked to the back together.
Hours later, the workday had ended. The last patient, a silly rabbit who had escaped and bounced down the hallway after her appointment, had left with her owner. I was cleaning up the waiting area where a nervous dog had peed in three locations.
The door to the back opened, and Farrah peered in. “Oh, there you are.” Her eyes dropped to where I was cleaning. “Who did that?”
“The puppy,” I said with a shrug. “It’s expected.”
I straightened after I finished wiping the area with the disinfectant spray that broke down the scent. “The cleaning people will come tonight and give it another cleaning,” I noted as I crossed to the trashcan and tied it up after tossing in the wipes.
I double-checked that the entrance door was locked and my computer was powered down before walking with Farrah to the back.
“Are you okay?” she asked as we walked into the break room together.
I shrugged as I looked over at her. “I think so. You caught me at a bad moment earlier.”
“What happened?” Alice asked as she walked in, clearly hearing my reply.
Looking between them, I hesitated for a beat before Alice prompted, “Let me know if I can do anything.”
I took a breath before I sat down at the table and rested my hands on my face for a moment. Straightening, I tightened my ponytail before letting my hands fall. “It’s a whole thing. I haven’t talked about it, but I put a pause on things with Wes and me.” I glanced at Farrah before looking at Alice. “You know how my mom was, right?”
Alice and Farrah immediately sat at the table. Farrah offered, “I don’t know how your mom was, but this calls for friend time. What do you need?”
My eyes felt watery. “I’m not sure where to start.”
“I sensed there was a pause with you and Wes, but since you weren’t talking about it, I didn’t want to push,” Alice said. “And what does this have to do with your mom? All I knew about your mom was she wasn’t around a lot. When you were younger, she used to take you with her. Sometime in middle school, it seemed like that stopped happening.” She glanced at Farrah. “Small town. Tiffany and I were friends but not besties in school. Kids notice when kids aren’t around all the time, though.”
“Where is your mom now?” Farrah asked the obvious question.
“She died,” I said simply.
“Oh! I’m sorry!” Farrah looked dismayed.
“Thank you. It’s been a few years. I had a complicated relationship with her. She was kind of, well, not really the most available mom. She did a number on both Chase and me. When I was younger, I was her favorite but not in a healthy way. Not that there’s any healthy way to have a favorite, but she took me with her everywhere while traipsing around trying to get famous. She wanted to be a model, she wanted to be an actress, she wanted to be in a band, and so on. She was desperate for attention, so she was always taking new jobs here and there. It finally stopped when she had her first of two affairs. I was really stressed out. I was getting behind in school, so my dad put his foot down. My dad is really good about not saying anything bad about her. He was then, and he still is now, but he was willing to argue with her about me staying in place. She ran hot and cold, so it was just a mess.” I lifted a hand, waving it vaguely and hesitating. “I don’t know if I want to say this because it might affect what you think of Mr. Green.”
“Mr. Green made you cry,” Farrah said pointedly. “I didn’t go to high school here, so I’m not attached to him.”
Alice shrugged. “Let me guess, he had an affair with your mom.”
“Did you already know that?” I sucked my breath in through my teeth as I gave her a dismayed look.
“Small town. There were rumors,” she said succinctly.
I let out a weary sigh. “They were true. It was just a weekend. His daughter, Frannie, told me. He and his wife are trying to work things out. It happened a few months before my mom died. Even though I was furious with him…” I paused, almost doing a physical scan of my body.
I wasn’t mad at him anymore. Somehow, that brief interaction with him had helped me to let it go, to recognize that even though he had let me down, he was just a flawed person, like the whole wide world. “I was mad, but I’m not now,” I finally said. “He apologized. My mom can never apologize, though she probably wouldn’t have.” I twisted my fingers in my lap as I looked at my two friends. “She wasn’t the kind of person to contemplate her behavior in the context of how it affected others. Long story short, I don’t have a great track record with trust in relationships. I was angry with her after she died because my dad is the best. He deserved a good relationship, someone to treat him right. So…” I threw a hand up in the air before letting it fall. “I haven’t even talked about it, but I have this thing on my back, a peripheral nerve sheath tumor.” I rolled my eyes. “This guy I started to see, I actually trusted him, and he just ghosted me completely when I had the thing with my back.”
Farrah interjected. “Are you okay?”
Alice answered for me. “She had surgery, and she’s fine.”
Farrah let out a breath. “Okay, I just needed to know that. Carry on.”
“And then this whole thing happened with Wes. We’ve got Ross, and it just seems like it’s…” I ran out of words and leaned back in my chair, exhausted from trying to explain.
“Like it’s too much of a risk,” Farrah said calmly.
When I met her eyes, I realized she completely understood.
“I get it. It’s logical, emotionally speaking. Except Wes is really into you,” she added.
Alice nodded vigorously. “He is. No wonder he looked so down when I saw him. You know the crew is going out for three weeks starting tomorrow.”
“I know,” I said quickly. Until this very moment, I’d thought that was a good thing. It would give me some space where I didn’t have to worry about running into him in town and be so concerned about constantly wanting to call and text him because I wouldn’t be able to. But now, I felt a sense of panic. I needed to reach out and grab him to make sure everything was okay. I beat back that feeling. “Ross is coming over tomorrow. He’ll be with me while Wes is gone. That’s why this whole shared guardianship has to work out. We have to put Ross first.”
Alice gave me a quizzical look. “Okay, sure, but…” She pressed her lips together, narrowing her eyes as she studied me. “I think Wes means more to you than you’re willing to admit. I wouldn’t be your friend if I didn’t point out that you’re breaking your own heart, along with his.”
I looked toward Farrah as if she would dispute Alice’s point. She shrugged, her lips twisting to the side. “She has a point.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Tiffany
Wes had been gone for a full week. I missed him every single day and night. It wasn’t as if we’d been spending every night together before I put a pause on things, but we had been texting and communicating regularly. The simple fact that I couldn’t do that left a hollow ache inside my chest.
Ross and I settled into a routine. The more time I spent with him, the more my heart felt split open. I missed Sarah. Maybe it had been a few years since we’d been in the same place and getting together for coffee or dinner, but the permanence of her absence felt huge. When we were college roommates, our lives had been twined together. I missed being able to text her quick jokes and observations about my day.
I was still shocked at her death and felt like the universe had been brutally unfair. Ross had spoken of his parents a few more times and even cried one night when a show his mom had liked came on. When I said I didn’t have to watch it, he asked me to do it anyway because it made him think of her. He said it made him feel safe.
One evening, I came home from work feeling ragged along the edges. Alice had to send someone’s dog over the rainbow bridge. Even though there was still snow on the ground, we’d done it outside because the family said he’d loved the snow.
The dog hadn’t eaten for a full week. He was weak and tired and suffering from kidney and liver failure. He was also fifteen years old, a long life for any dog. Watching the love this family had for their dog and their choice to put him out of his discomfort was a gift, I thought. It was also heartbreaking.
I picked up Ross and Nilla from my dad’s, where they’d spent the afternoon. Nilla had spent the day with my dad, and Ross took the bus there after school.
Ross had glanced over in the car, studying me for a moment before he asked, “Are you crying about missing Wes?”
The wisdom of children. I glanced at him before another tear slid down my cheek as I tried to shake my head.
Ross cocked his head to the side, looking quizzical. “You miss him. I do too. I can’t even play my game with him and Chase at night right now. It’s weird because my dad’s username is still in there, and I miss him too.”
I swallowed a sob and blinked quickly, my hands tightening on the steering wheel as I looked ahead. “I do miss Wes. I’m so sorry about your mom and dad. I’m sure you miss them a lot.”
I glanced sideways, wondering if I should pull over. Ross was looking out the window. We happened to be driving by a field where several moose were gathered off to the side.
“You don’t have to say you’re sorry. It’s not your fault,” Ross said quietly without looking my way.
I looked back at the road, replying, “I’m sorry that it happened, sorry that life is unfair like that.”
“It is,” he said simply. “How come you made Wes sad?”
I whipped my head to the side to find Ross looking back at me again. I blinked again, bringing my attention to the road. There was a viewing area on the road ahead. I pulled off and parked. A guardrail was situated above a rocky ledge that looked out into a valley with a glacier in the distance and the mountains rising high around it.
I angled in my seat to face Ross. “Why do you think I made Wes sad?” I asked as my heart pounded rapidly in my chest.
“I haven’t heard him cry like you did the other night,” he began.
