My Boyfriend is a MONSTER, page 7
Bo noticed a group of wrapped up couches by the front window that was still covered in old newspaper. He ran towards them jumping into the air. Landing in a sitting position the couch buckled with the sound of snapping wood and nails letting go. Creating a dust cloud that looked like the direct aftermath of a nuclear explosion it rushed towards Nathan and Louis. Closing their eyes they both cringed as the dust rushed past them plugging their noses and filling the store in a chalky like fog.
“Comfy,” Bo said hidden behind a veil of dust.
Nathan coughed and then yelled towards his brother. “You owe me a couch.”
“Sure hope you got the receipt.”
Nathan turned to Louis barely able to make him out. “I have an idea. There's a café just up the street called Sips. I was there this morning before I went and looked at the apartment, but they were closed and it looks like they have a full menu on tea.”
Louis waved his hand around his face coughing. “I'd love some tea, maybe some donuts for Giganto,” he said looking in the direction his brother was last seen and yelled, “I get dem sprinkle kinds you like Giganto?”
A voice yelled back. “That would be lovely, thank you.” Then the voice started to cough.
“You want da tea?” Louis asked Nathan.
“Umm ...” his picky brother mulled.
“I know de way you like de earl grey with da honey and shit.”
“Sure, just get me a regular earl grey,” he finally decided.
The big man's voice called out from deep within the cloud, “What's a matter? Mr. Fancy Pants doesn't like anyone else making his tea?”
“I just like it made a certain way,” he tried to explain without sounding snobbish.
Louis agreed with his bigger brother. “Hows about it Mr. Fancy Pants, only you can make de tea da special way?”
Calling out from the couch again, he hollered, “Maybe you should get him some crumpets with his tea.” They could hear him start to giggle. “I know you can't see me, but I'm holding out my pinkie finger pretending to have a fancy tea cup in my hand.”
“Maybe I get him de dress to drink da tea in,” Louis joined in.
Clapping his hands, Bo started to snicker. “You wear a dress when you drink your tea, Mrs. Fancy Pants?” he howled impressed with himself. “I said mister, but then you were wearing a dress, so I changed it to Mrs.” They could hear him kicking at the floor as he laughed, then they heard the cracking sound of wood and the room went silent. “Oops,” Bo said, all but confirming that he had kicked the floor hard enough to break it.
“Dammit Bo,” Nathan said making his way over to the couch.
The dust was starting to settle, and Bo was now standing in front of him. “I'm sorry Nathan, but don't worry, I'll fix it up like new,” he said slapping him on the back and planting him face first on the ground. Forgetting how powerful he was Bo turned to Louis, who was now standing beside him and looking down at their brother.
Nathan lifted his head slightly and turned it to the right, coughing he emitted a small dust cloud from his mouth. “Owe,” he murmured.
Looking at each other Louis covered his mouth trying not to laugh at their brother on the floor.
“Don't you laugh,” Bo said shaking his head already smiling.
The Cajuns face was already starting to turn red. “Ok, I go now,” he chortled. “Where I going?” he said not camouflaging his elation very well.
Pushing his large brother to distant himself and then waving him away each time Bo attempted to dust him off, Nathan gave Louis directions. “Go out the back, make a right and cross the street, keep going straight, you can't miss it.” Shaking his head at Bo, he started to dust himself off.
“Sorry,” Bo offered him with a sympathetic smile.
TWO:
Welcome to Sips
They were a little busy first thing this morning, but now they were not. This was fine for all inside since it gave them time to get the lowdown on Ms. Johnson's new tenant. Sitting at the table with Todd and Lily sipping at her tea Florida continued. “I'm just saying, he has a lot of money and he is gorgeous. And he is single.”
“All good qualities in a potential mate,” he said nodding at Lily.
“Potential mate, what are we animal kingdom?” she asked.
Todd explained. “Um yeah, even the Hippo wants a mate with the best water plants in the area. The lioness wants the lion with the shadiest tree. The girl bears want the boy bear with the largest honey pot.”
“That's Winnie the Pooh.”
“Cashing in those Disney royalty checks you don't think Pooh gets all the bear bitches? Hooker, please. Up to his neck in bear pussy.”
“Todd!” Florida snapped with a smirk.
“Oh I'm sorry Ms. Johnson,” he said apologetically patting her shoulder. “I mean bear va-jay-jay,” he corrected pointing towards Lilies privates.
Lily swatted his hand away while Florida couldn't help it and smiled. “What is wrong with you boy?”
“Come on people, bear va-jay-jay. That's funny,” he said giving Florida a kiss on her cheek.
“You're comparing me to hippos and bears?” Lily asked while trying to look herself over.
Florida just sighed. “Honey, what I wouldn't give to have a body like yours.”
Lily turned to Todd. “And how do you get the male bear?”
“Oh baby,” Todd explained sticking his butt out. “The bear comes looking for me, this is the honey pot,” he said smacking his own ass.
Suddenly the door flew open, and a Sips regular walked through the door with the help of a fresh face. “Allow me,” Louis said as he held the door open.
“Why thank you young man,” she said with a soothing smile.
“Not da problem Cher,” Louis said following behind her. Stopping in front of him she looked Louis over, obviously wondering why he was so dusty.
Seeing the puzzled look on her face, he began to explain. “Doing some dry wall.” Smiling Mrs. Bell nodded while he advanced the explanation. “Just came for da tea and maybe some-ting to eat,” he said looking towards the counter wishing in his head that she would just go and order. “Sure smells good-boy,” he said hoping she would agree and trigger whatever it was in her head that wanted something to drink or eat.
“What is that accent?” she asked.
Oh fuck me, he thought. “Cajun, Louisiana Mam,” he said going the polite route.
“Do you eat Possum?”
No, but I eat da old ladies who don't get da fucking move on, he wanted to say aloud. “No Mam, not if I don't have to.”
“Oh God, why would you?” she asked in which Louis just shrugged his shoulders.
Getting antsier, he decided to take the initiative. “Can I buy you a coffee?”
“No thank you sweetie, I'm just going to say hello to my friend over there, but thank you,” she said and went and sat with Florida.
Todd was already behind the counter anticipating Louis would be ordering. “She wasn't hitting on you was she?” he asked.
“Please Lord I hope not.”
“Wouldn't know it, but word has it back in the day, Mrs. Bell was a big old whore,” Todd said.
“Da hell you say,” he said looking at her and trying to take off thirty or so years.
“That accent.” Todd stated curiously.
“Cajun,” Louis said turning back.
“New Orleans?”
“Yup, da Louisianan,” he said proudly.
“Well stay clear or Mrs. Bell, she's still a player. They say she likes the accents, lures a lot of young men to their doom, so the legend goes.” Leaning forward, Todd whispered loudly, “I picture a naked grey-haired Venus fly trap with her face, just wrapping her vines around young men's ankles and dragging them off. To have non-consensual sex of course,” he said as they both turned eerily towards her then getting the chills.
Starting to laugh Louis extended his hand. “Louis.”
“Todd,” he offered back while shaking.
Looking around, Louis let out a familiar and approving whistle. “This is a fancy coffee shop boy.”
“Thank you,” Todd said taking a look with him. “Where you coming from Louis?”
“Just up the road, the new bookstore-”
“Imagination,” he interrupted enthusiastically. “I saw the sign going up yesterday.”
“Dat's da one, and now we having da break and da snacks,” he lied a little, since they really hadn't worked on anything. They haven't even emptied the truck yet, but he didn't want to come across as lazy to his new friend.
“Well you've come to the right place my friend. Today we're having a sale on all desserts since my partner-the chef, has the day off and made them all last night. They’re still very good, promise.”
Louis slapped the counter. “Well now dat we are da friends I got da big order. I need t'ree Teas in da biggest to-go cups you got, a couple dozen donuts with da sprinkles, some-”
“Sorry Louis” Todd winced loudly cutting him off. “We don't have donuts I'm afraid.”
“Uh-Oh,” he said already knowing he didn't want to scour the city looking for donuts let alone ones with sprinkles on them. But he also didn't want to go back empty handed. Louis liked pushing the boundaries with his brother about a lot of things, but food was not one of them.
Seeing a bit of desperation in his eyes, Todd decided to make a counteroffer. “We do, however, have large assortments of confections,” he said pointing to the showcase, just in case Louis did not know what the word meant. “And remember half price.”
Bending down to take a look, his eyebrows rose with inspiration seeing all the delicious types of desserts. It was filled with a wide variety of sweets from molten chocolate chip cookies, white chocolate raspberry cheesecake, black sesame-pear tea cake, parmesan shortbread with fennel and sea salt, three different kinds of biscotti, snowballs, cream horns, and thumbprints then there was muffins and cakes and pies, but nothing barring a single sprinkle. “Nothing with da sprinkles?”
Joining the search Todd was optimistic since he never made them, but remembered he ate plenty with them on it.
“If da big guy don't get da sprinkles, Lord have mercy.”
Not seeing anything Todd suddenly remembered he had yet to put out all of the deserts. “We got some cupcakes in the back that I can put sprinkles on.”
Louis sighed in relief. “Dat do just fine, yes sir.”
“How many would you like then?”
Thinking it over carefully, he knew Bo could eat the entire showcase of Sips as an appetizer. He was also pretty sure they didn't have a hundred cupcakes in the back. “How many you say you have?”
“I think he made forty-eight,” Todd replied.
It wasn't a hundred, but he nodded. “I take twenty four dem,” he said deciding not to be rude by taking them all.
“Twenty four,” Todd repeated surprised.
“He da big man,” Louis said.
“Even at half price that's –”
Louis waved his hand in front of him and shook his head. “You cannot put a price on dis behemoth's appetite trust me.”
“Ok, twenty four cupcakes with sprinkles,” he declared. Heading to the back to start putting sprinkles on them, he heard tapping on the glass causing him to stop. As he looked at Louis, he saw him now hunched over the showcase. “Anything else?” Todd asked just in case.
“Better give me ... umm,” Louis contemplated while still tapping his fingers on the counter feverishly. Doing the math inside his head he finally decided to make it easy. “Better give me, half-dozen of every-ting you got. I might need to come back later d-ough.”
Todd now thought the Cajun was screwing with him. “Seriously?”
Checking himself over Louis realized he may look like a vagrant ordering a couple hundred dollars in cakes and thought it might be coming across odd. “I can pay.”
“That's a lot of food and I just don't want to get it all boxed up and rang up and it'-”
“I make da misère, so long to da queer and I go running out de door, down da-street waving my hands like da douche.”
He couldn't help it, and started laughing. Louis couldn’t have made the word "Queer" sound any less offensive. “Something like that.”
“I understand Cher, lotta money,” he said setting his wallet on the counter. “Ring dem up, I insist.”
“No-no, no, it was terribly rude of me,” Todd said waving the whole thing off and returning to boxing six of everything else.
“You sure? Cause I understand,” he said wanting him to feel comfortable.
“No sir, please accept my apologies,” Todd said. He began grabbing cookies, Naomi bars, and croissants then éclairs. Then ladyfingers, coffee cakes and carrot cakes, banana breads, muffins and brownies then paused. Peering over the counter at Louis who was still looking at all the different food he hesitated to ask, but didn't want to assume. “Even the squares?”
Louis nodded. “Of everything,” he said starting to get hungry.
“Are you sure you don't want any sandwiches or bagels? This is a lot of sweets Louis.”
“No, dis probably do till da lunch.”
“Till lunch, huh,” Todd said popping his head up from behind the display counter and caught Louis's eye. “I want to apologize Louis, I prejudged you, because of the way you looked. And here you just made my day with that accent of yours and the purchase of all this food.”
“I do look like da Hobo, but t-ank you Todd, mighty kind indeed,” he said and tipped his imaginary hat.
“Lily,” Todd yelled out.
“What?” she yelled back.
“I have to put some sprinkles on some cupcakes in the back. Could you start this gentlemen's tea order,” he said stacking the boxes on the counter.
“Okie Dokie,” she called out and headed to her station. It was away from the other counters and set up so people who ordered it could sit and watch. She had her own burners and water station with shelves of fresh tea leaves and all kinds of different spices.
Watching enthusiastically, Louis couldn't have been any happier to see how serious they were about their tea. And, since he couldn't smell anything from the containers it meant that it was properly fresh. “You da tea lady,” he said giving her a smile.
“I am sir,” she said putting her apron on.
From the back, Todd yelled out, “Lily-Louis, Louis-Lily.”
“Hello Louis,” she laughed.
“Mam,” he said and tipped his imaginary hat again feeling her genuine kindness through her smile.
“So what can I make you?”
“We love da tea,” he started. “What you got to excite da senses?”
“Let's see,” she said looking at her ingredients behind her. “I have a wonderful strawberry rose champagne and peach tranquility blend.”
“Oh dat sounds nice,” Louis said surprised as he tried to imagine the smells and tastes.
“I can do a delicious youth-berry wild orange blossom.”
“Oh you're just talking dirty now,” he said playfully.
“Or if you like something a little sweeter to go with the fifty pounds of desserts you just bought,” she paused for a moment thinking about it. “How about a wonder-berry chocolate truffle oolong tea or a coco caramel sea salt herbal,” she said deciding on one of those to be the best to accompany the desserts.
“Oh girl, don't stop.”
She started to giggle. “You're still excited about the tea ... right?”
“I know right,” he cried out then laughed. “Yes da tea. All about da tea,” he finally answered. “Don't sell yourself short Cher.”
Snapping her fingers she pointed at him. “How about a watermelon mint chiller white tea?”
“Sold,” Louis shouted snapping his fingers and pointing back. Since he never heard of a watermelon mint chiller white tea before, he was actually just going along with her excitement.
“Here,” she said passing him a large brochure of all the different teas she made.
“Holy shit,” he exclaimed looking at all the different kinds he had never seen or heard of. “Make t'ree of dose watermelon ones and one of da chocolate ones for da road,” he said being a little selfish.
Looking at the boxes piled on the counter, she turned back to him. “All that food and only four of you?”
Feeling guilty about getting an extra tea for himself, he decided to come clean. “Actually t'ree of us ... So, better make da chocolate ones for dem too.” Knowing if Bo got just a whiff of a chocolate tea and he didn't get him one he would never hear the end of it. “So dese teas are good?” he asked to change the subject.
“Really good,” Lily assured him as she started to prepare the ingredients for the two different types of tea.
Whistling with enthusiasm Louis slapped his hands together and rubbed. “Usually I just stick to one or two. You know, da earl grey, da orange pekoe, but dem teas sound too good not ta-try.”
Lilly kept working. “Well, earl grey is so popular because when done right, it is the most distinctively flavored and aromatic of all teas, and when done wrong ...” She looked up thinking about it, “Usually still drinkable.”
“Yeah, dat is true,” he nodded.
Going into her fridge and returning with unlabeled Tupperware and a jug of water she continued working on her specialties. “You have to start with cold filtered water,” she said pouring it into a pot. Turning on the burner, she waited for it to get red. “We first boil the water, then fill the teapot up and swish it around to heat. Then, we dump that water out and put the remainder of the boiled water in.”
He looked at her curiously. “But you be wasting all dat water.”
Raising her finger she watched as his eyes widened with curiosity. “Watch and learn.”
THREE:
Remember the Alamo
Back at the bookstore Nathan held a piece of drywall up against the wall as Bo ran his finger across the smooth surface and found the slightest difference in elevation. Taking a nail with his thumb, he pushed it through the drywall and into the stud. Following the stud straight up he pressed in nails until the piece was able to stand on its own.
