In the Shadow of Love, page 20
“What happened in there, Smitty?”
The corner of his mouth twitched, and he worked his jaw before answering. “It’s really not my place to say.”
Jenny exhaled her frustration, though she really didn’t think answers would come that easily. Delicate matters required a delicate approach, and she would have to convince him it would be in Kathryn’s best interest for him to confide in her. “Do you think she’d tell me if I asked her?”
Smitty looked at her as if she’d read his mind, and he was struggling with the answer. “She might,” he said.
That was a start, Jenny reasoned. “But if I asked her, it would probably be very painful, right?”
“Right.”
“So,” she drew out, “if she might tell me anyway …” She sought out his guarded eyes. “Why don’t you tell me instead, and we can both save her from that particular pain?”
Smitty cut wary eyes in her direction. “I said she might tell you. That’s not a ringing endorsement to betray a personal trust.”
“Smitty,” Jenny said, as she turned to face him in all seriousness, “no matter what you think of me, I care about Kathryn very much.”
He looked down and nodded. “I know you do.”
She was both surprised and encouraged by his response. “I’d never do anything to hurt her. I need you to know that.”
“I do.”
She raised her brow. He was being awfully agreeable, considering their history, so she pressed on while the pressing was good. “I want to help her. I want to be there for her if I can. I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s wrong.” He didn’t respond, and she could only assume he agreed. “Who was Joshua Grayson, and how did he die?”
Smitty exhaled with an undecided shake of his head. She could tell he was torn between Kathryn’s penchant for privacy and her need to heal.
Before he could verbally refuse to answer, Jenny made sure he knew she wasn’t totally ignorant of Kathryn’s past. “If it makes a difference, I know she was overseas, and I know she was captured.”
He turned to her in surprise, then faced forward again with a crease in his brow. His contemplative expression told her it did make a difference. She gave him all the time he needed and waited patiently for the answer she hoped would come.
He set his jaw and began. He skipped right to Kathryn’s confinement after capture. He said the hows and whys of the mission gone bad were merely a tragic backdrop painted by unexpected betrayal.
An ill-conceived rescue was attempted—unauthorized, of course, and strictly against protocol—by a group of undertrained, oversexed boys bent on being heroes, Joshua Grayson among them. Things went from bad to worse, as the men were either killed or captured themselves.
Kathryn, for her part, withstood the physical abuse typical of interrogation and kept her secrets to herself. The Nazis, with growing frustration, turned to the newly acquired prisoners as a way of extracting much-needed information from their reticent star.
The men were lined up and Kathryn told to choose one. This was the man they would kill if she didn’t give them the information they sought. If she refused to talk and refused to choose, they would choose for her, but they would choose three instead of one, and so it would go every time she didn’t give them an answer.
Jenny hung her head and uttered a curse under her breath. She felt sick.
“You okay?”
She nodded.
“There was no way she could choose,” he said. “She knew those guys. She couldn’t tell the bastards what they wanted to know, and she couldn’t choose.” He looked away and pressed the back of his balled-up fist to his lips. “Tore her up inside.” He paused a beat and put his hand back on the steering wheel. “That’s where Josh comes in. He spoke up, said he wasn’t afraid to die, and it would be all right if she picked him first.”
Jenny exhaled and looked to the sky, giving the young man respect for his futile gallantry. “Did she?”
“No.” Smitty stared blankly out the windshield, his words measured, devoid of emotion. “She couldn’t. They shot the kid in the head, and did two more, as promised.”
Jenny swallowed the bile rising in her throat. “My God.”
“They left her with the bodies to think about it and assured her they’d come back every hour and try again, which they did.”
Jenny could hardly conceive of such a scene. The wholesale execution of anyone, let alone friends, was an impossible choice. Just the abstract notion of having to make such a choice between Bernie or Kathryn, or even Smitty, had her trembling. She had to stop imagining. She was on the verge of breaking down herself, and that wouldn’t do. She had to be strong now. Kathryn needed her. She pushed the overwhelming thoughts out of her head and focused on Smitty’s deliberate recollection.
“When they came back, she did as they asked. She chose one.”
Jenny turned in disbelief, and it set Smitty on the defensive.
“She did it to save what lives she could!” he said. “Three at a time!”
Jenny held her hands up immediately. “No, Smitty,” she said, hoping he understood there was no judgment in her reaction. “It’s … it’s just so horrible.”
He stared at her and then finally nodded, letting his defensive anger dissipate. “Yes, it was.” He gathered himself. “Sorry.”
His knowledge of the event seemed more than just hearsay. “Were you one of those boys, Smitty?”
He took a moment to respond. “Yes, I was.” He worked his jaw in disgust. “And I couldn’t do a damn thing to help her. Just stood there, mute, while a nineteen-year-old kid did what we all wished we had the nerve to do.”
“You couldn’t have done anything.”
Smitty snapped his head in her direction. “You don’t know what it’s like to be so helpless!”
Jenny flinched at his bark.
He softened his glare and tilted his head in silent apology before turning to stare vacantly out the windshield. “I pray you never do.”
Jenny bowed her head and softly exhaled as she said a silent amen to his prayer and warned herself to step lightly around the emotional minefield.
“I could have spoken up,” Smitty went on, “told her it wasn’t her fault and it was okay. We all could have. It would have saved her the agony of choosing man after pleading man until she was so distraught she was out of her mind.” He quickly pinched tears from his eyes with an impatient hand. “Goddamn it.”
“I’m sorry,” Jenny whispered. Had she known he was so personally involved with the tragedy, she wouldn’t have pushed him for details, but now that she had, she hoped she could at least say something useful. “Joshua Grayson’s sacrifice was short-lived, Smitty. He didn’t save anyone, and neither could you. In fact, had they known you and Kat were close, it would have been worse for the both of you.” She sought his eyes and gently chastised him. “I think you know that.”
He worked his jaw and closed his eyes in begrudging agreement.
“You can’t blame yourself for her pain any more than she can blame herself for their deaths.”
Smitty snorted and shook his head.
Jenny knit her brow in confusion. “She really doesn’t blame herself for their deaths, does she? It wasn’t her fault.”
“No.” He looked to the sky. “It was mine.”
She waited in silence for his explanation.
“It was my idea to go after her,” he said hesitantly. “I convinced them to follow me in there.”
Things were finally getting a little clearer, and Jenny was not going to let Smitty take responsibility for everyone else’s actions. Hell, she would have gone in herself without a second thought. “Was it a hard sell?”
Smitty looked at her as if her question was a sacrilege to his finely-honed guilt, but then he looked away.
Jenny sensed the truth tempered his indignation and that it wasn’t a hard sell at all.
“You did what you had to do.”
“It cost those men their lives. And Kat …”
Jenny recognized a man swallowing his guilt.
“It destroyed her. She’ll never be the same.”
“Smitty—” Jenny leaned forward to make sure he could see her face. “You wouldn’t have been able to live with yourself had you done nothing.” She knew she couldn’t have. “So you did the only thing you could do. You had to try. You knew the risks and so did those men. You said it yourself. They followed you in there. You had no choice, really.” She raised her brow and leaned in, waiting for his response. “Did you?”
He turned to face her, and she watched the tension in his face ease into a gentle shake of his head.
“I think everyone needs to stop blaming themselves for something they had no control over,” Jenny said.
Smitty’s humorless exhale said Good advice, spoken with the innocence of a true neophyte. But evidently, he forgave her naiveté by virtue of her noble intent. “I can see why Kat likes you so much.”
Jenny couldn’t contain her full-faced grin. “Does she now?”
Smitty returned the smile. “God help her, she does.”
“Good,” Jenny said, because she realized Kathryn meant more to her than she previously imagined.
Sitting in the hallway of The Grotto listening to Smitty comforting Kathryn in her moment of anguish physically hurt. She wanted to be the one holding her and promising that it would be okay. She wanted to be the one Kathryn trusted, the one with whom she sought refuge, her constant relief from a tumultuous past that Jenny was only now beginning to grasp. In time, that would come, she decided. Whatever it took, she was going to make sure of it. For now, Kathryn had Smitty, and Jenny was glad. She was sorry for his experience but glad he was there and Kathryn wasn’t alone, then or now. She looked at the man in the driver’s seat, his square jaw set in contemplation. John Smith was a good man, the best, she’d decided, and his candor and his faith in her told her all she needed to know about how he felt about her and her relationship with Kathryn. She slowly reached out and touched his hand. “Thank you, Smitty. I know that was hard for you.”
He paused for a moment before responding. “You make her happy, Jenny. Happier than I’ve seen her in ages.”
It was the first time he’d used her proper name, and that, along with the sentiment, almost made her cry. She caught Smitty enjoying her reaction, and the two exchanged smirks as they considered the new bond they’d just forged.
“What now?” Jenny asked.
Smitty relaxed into his seat. “I’ll take her home in a bit. She’ll feel a little hung over in the morning, but she’ll be fine.”
Jenny nodded, satisfied Kathryn was in good hands. Smitty and Kathryn were forever linked by tragedy, and she, in turn, was woven into their tapestry by way of Smitty’s trust in her. She couldn’t conceive of the horrors they’d experienced, and she really couldn’t afford to if she was going to be strong. Kathryn had no choice, and how she managed to pull herself together and fashion any sort of life at all was nothing short of a miracle. “She’s an incredible woman.”
She knew she’d get no argument from the man next to her, and his soft snort of agreement proved her right.
He smiled wistfully. “I wish you could have known her before.”
Jenny just barely managed a grin. His comment was a futile regret that hurt too much to contemplate. She patted his hand. “Don’t worry, Smitty, we’ll take good care of her.”
An easy smile split his lips. “You’re all right, kid.”
Jenny returned the smile and squeezed his hand. “You’re all right yourself, Johnny.”
Chapter Sixteen
Kathryn rolled over to the smell of coffee. It took her a few moments to clear her head as she blinked in her surroundings. She was in her room, in her bed, but for the life of her, she didn’t remember leaving the club the night before. She sat up with a groan, her neck and shoulders stiff, and smiled when she saw she was still in her slip. Smitty. She momentarily entertained the idea that Jenny was in her kitchen, lording over the coffee, but had she been the one to tuck her in last night, she certainly wouldn’t have left her half-dressed. Not Jenny.
She slipped on her robe and wandered into the kitchen, where she greeted Smitty, who was leaning on the counter, reading the sports section, in his trousers and undershirt, his suspenders hanging limply from his waistband.
“Oh, pretty,” he said as he looked up.
Kathryn pushed her disheveled hair from her face. “Thanks.” She kissed him on the cheek on her way to a desperately needed cup of coffee.
Smitty tucked the paper under his arm as he turned to face her. “How are you?”
“Better, thanks,” she said as she poured her cup.
He watched and waited. No words needed to pass between them about the night before, but it had been so long between episodes that she knew he just wanted to make sure. She picked up her cup and smiled as she playfully snapped his suspenders against his hip on her way to the table.
“I’m fine.”
He smiled, sliding the rest of the paper from the counter before joining her.
“Want the front page?” he asked as he settled into his chair.
“Is the war over?”
“No.”
“No thanks, then. How about the funnies?” She didn’t know why, as she rarely found them funny. She took the offered comics section and smiled as she fondly regarded him. He looked particularly handsome this morning, in a rugged sort of way, his unshaven face accentuating the bottomless dimples in the hollows of his cheeks. It was times like this she wished him married, or with a sweetheart, at least, someone who could truly appreciate everything he had to offer. Instead, his life was chained to hers, walking the same tortured path, with no hope of escape. Even worse, he didn’t seem to mind.
“You didn’t have to stay here last night.”
“I love your couch, Kat,” he said with a grin, as he pretended to stretch a kink out of his back and then turned the page.
“You’ve seen it enough.” She rubbed her face. “I don’t even remember getting home last night. Did you carry me out of the club?”
“Out of the club, to the car, out of the car, up your steps, into bed …”
“That had to hurt.” She pointed at his knee.
“Aw, twern’t nuthin’, ma’am,” he drawled.
“Uh-huh,” she said with a smirk, knowing the truth. She scanned the comics without really seeing them. “What about Jenny?”
He turned the page of the sports section. “I told her you had a migraine and sent her home. Said you’d call her this morning, so don’t forget.”
Kathryn grinned. As if she could forget. “I won’t.” She eyed him sincerely. “Thank you.”
“She was pretty worried about you. I practically had to kick her out of the club to get her to go home.”
Kathryn chuckled, appreciating Jenny’s devotion, and settled her attention on one of the silly brainteasers at the bottom of the page.
Smitty was staring at her, and she knew he had something to say about the night before. “What did you do with your pills, Kat?”
She pretended to ignore him as she turned the page upside down, looking for the answer to the number puzzle. “You know, sometimes these things just make no sense. It’s all logic and mathematics, yet—”
“Kat,” Smitty drew out.
She righted the paper and nonchalantly reached for her cup of coffee.
“I threw them out.”
Smitty didn’t say anything, but she knew he wanted to, so she took a sip and swallowed, lifting unrepentant eyes. “And I’m not replacing them.”
Smitty raised his brow in guarded acceptance, as her decision settled around them like specks of dust in the light of an unadorned window. He cleared his throat and went back to his paper. “Spud Chandler is pitching today. Want to go?”
“Can’t. I think I have a date to arrange.”
Smitty stared at her in mock disbelief. “I can’t believe you’re choosing sex over baseball.”
She chuckled and watched him shake his head as he disappeared behind the sports page. She returned to her section of paper and laughed out loud at the sight of Dagwood Bumstead bowling over the mailman for the umpteenth time, letters flying.
Chapter Seventeen
Jenny couldn’t stop grinning as she took in the casual elegance of Kathryn seated opposite her in the charming French restaurant. Atmospheric music played softly in the background, and a flickering candle between them reflected mesmerizing highlights onto Kathryn’s eyes. Jenny was glad to see her back to herself after the horrible evening the night before.
She was glad she took Smitty’s advice and let Kathryn come to her in her own time rather than pushing, which would have been her first instinct. It didn’t take long. Kathryn rang her in the early afternoon to plan a date for dinner.
The scene was perfect, and Jenny’s heart was full. She felt connected to Kathryn like never before. The knowledge of her tragic past wrapped itself around her mind and soul until she felt the heartbreak form a bridge between them, with only time and opportunity keeping them apart. It was Smitty who gave her this gift, however, not Kathryn, so the bond came with a caveat. Still, knowing the truth only accentuated everything she already admired about her, drawing her deeper into Kathryn’s enigmatic aura and sending her inexorably on a path of no return.
Kathryn was everything she could ever want in a woman. Anyone could admire her beauty, but very few would ever know the complex woman inside. Jenny was one step closer to that. One step closer to Kathryn letting her in completely. She didn’t know if Kathryn was ready for that yet, but a few more nights like the one they spent together and Jenny sensed she would be.
She seemed so carefree and relaxed tonight. The sophisticated sweep of her dark hair complemented the graceful arch of her brow when she had occasion to smile, which, as the evening went on, became more and more often. Jenny loved how her lips subtly revealed emotions that her eyes tried to hide when she’d suppress a smile and look away.
