So It Goes, page 28
The crying of a baby broken the tension in the room, and Lucas turned in time to see Ella for the first time. Dr. Williams cut the umbilical cord, and a nurse brought Ella closer to them. Lucas forgot the turmoil he’d been living in when he saw his daughter for the first time. Ella was covered in blood and goo, but she was the most beautiful human Lucas had ever laid eyes on.
“Angelica, look,” Lucas said, grinning widely. “It’s our daughter.”
Angelica smiled, her fingertips caressing Ella’s cheek and arm. Angelica’s smile only lasted a few seconds before her eyes fluttered closed. The machines started beeping loudly and quickly.
“Her BP’s dropping!” a nurse called out.
“Angelica!” Lucas said, his heart falling to the pit of his stomach. “Angelica!” He turned to Dr. Williams. “What’s wrong with her?”
It was when he saw the blood staining the clothes, the sheets, and the bed that he fought the urge to scream. It was an unhealthy amount of blood. What the fuck was going on? This couldn’t be part of the delivery.
Ella was gone, and Dr. Williams was shouting orders, sounding far too agitated to calm Lucas’s nerves. When he was asked to leave the room, Lucas wanted to argue, to tell them that there was no way he was going to leave Angelica’s side. But no one was paying attention to him as they hovered around Angelica, trying to stabilize her. So Lucas stayed by the wall, eyes wide as he took everything in.
When Dr. Williams announced Angelica had to be taken for emergency surgery, Lucas was forced to leave the room because she was being wheeled out of it. Everything was happening too quickly for Lucas to process what was going on.
Suddenly, Lucas found himself in a long white hallway, staring at the wall in front of him, unable to move. His hands were shaking, and his heart was beating out of rhythm. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This couldn’t be happening. Ella’s birth was supposed to bring them joy, not this heavy concern. Lucas needed to know what was happening to Angelica.
“Luc! Hey, did I miss it?”
Lucas turned towards the familiar voice to see Aaron walking up to him holding pink balloons. As soon as he looked at Lucas, Aaron’s smile fell.
“What’s wrong?” Aaron asked, stopping a few feet away. “What’s going on?”
Lucas shook his head. His voice was raspy when he tried to speak, so he cleared his throat. “Something happened after the delivery. There was…so much blood.”
Aaron widened his eyes. “What? Are you—fuck, are you serious?”
Lucas nodded, stepping backwards until his back hit the wall, and he leaned heavily against it. “She was taken in for an emergency surgery. That’s all I know.”
“Fuck,” Aaron said, leaning against the same wall beside him. “Dammit to hell.” He turned to Lucas. “I’m sure everything will be alright. Angelica’s a fighter. She’ll be okay.”
Lucas wanted to believe him, but both his mind and heart were racing with concern, and he wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. “I held Angelica’s hand, and it was cold. Too cold for comfort. I kept thinking that she needed a blanket. I hate thinking that she was cold on top of everything else.”
“Luc—”
“I’m so scared, Aaron. I’m so scared to lose her.”
“Hey, hey, no, you won’t lose her.” Aaron was suddenly in front of him, meeting Lucas’s distant gaze. “You’re not gonna lose her, alright, amigo? You’re gonna take your baby home together. Look, I know I’m not a praying man, but I’ll pray for her. To all the gods in the book. I’ll pray. Let’s pray together.”
“I don’t know how to pray anymore.”
“That’s alright. I’ll pray for both of us.”
Silence fell between them for what felt like an eternity.
Eventually, a nurse informed Lucas that his daughter had been taken to the nursery, and he was given a matching wristband with her information.
“Is she okay?” Lucas asked. “Is my daughter okay?”
The nurse smiled and nodded. “Yes, sir. She’s a healthy baby.”
Lucas let out a long breath of relief, leaning his head back against the wall. That was one less concern on his mind, at least.
“Can we see her?” Aaron asked.
“Sure,” the nurse answered.
Aaron turned to Lucas. “Luc, let’s go see Ella. It’ll help take your mind off of everything else.”
Lucas shook his head. “No, I’m not going anywhere. I need to wait here for news on Angelica.”
“Alright, I hear you. We’ll stay here until we hear anything.”
Lucas closed his eyes. He was getting a headache. “You don’t have to stay here. You can go see Ella, or you can go home.”
“Luc, come on, you know me better than that. There’s no way in hell I’m leaving you alone right now.”
“Thank you,” Lucas whispered.
The moment Lucas saw Dr. Williams approaching him with a frown on his face, Lucas knew. It hit him like an avalanche. He was already drowning in ten feet of snow by the time he was given the news.
“Mr. Adams, your wife suffered from atony of the uterus because of her rapid labor. I believe I explained before the risks due to her age.”
Angelica was almost thirty-seven years old. Sure, they knew the risks, but they’d always believed that she’d be alright. They’d never had any doubts about this pregnancy.
“Unfortunately,” Dr. Williams continued, “this issue led to a severe hemorrhage. It quickly sent her into a hemorrhagic shock. We took her in for emergency surgery to tie off the blood vessels. However, the blood loss was far more than we could resupply with blood transfusions.”
Lucas had seen the blood surrounding Angelica in the delivery room. There was so much of it. Angelica had bled out. That was it, wasn’t it?
Lucas was shaking. He could feel himself shaking uncontrollably. He was fear embodied.
My Angelica...my beautiful, sweet, wonderful Angelica. No, no, no.
Dr. Williams sighed. “We did everything we could, Mr. Adams, but I am pained to announce that we were unable to save Mrs. Adams’s life.” There was sadness in his eyes rather than his usual poker face, and he squeezed Lucas’s shoulder. “I’d like to offer you my sincerest apologies for your loss.”
My loss? What about Ella’s loss? What about Angelica’s parents’ loss? What about Angelica’s friends’ loss? What about the entire world’s loss?
Lucas couldn’t feel his body anymore.
Dr. Williams furrowed his eyebrows. “Mrs. Adams is currently being cleaned in a new room in case you’d like to step inside for a moment. A nurse will be here soon to take you there. After, she’ll be sent down to the morgue where she will be kept until you figure out the funeral arrangements.”
Morgue. Funeral arrangements. Angelica.
“Your daughter was born in good health, despite everything,” Dr. Williams continued. “You may consider it a small miracle in the middle of this tragedy. I’m deeply sorry, Lucas. Angelica was a great person.”
A great person. Angelica. A great person.
“Okay,” Lucas said, blinking.
Dr. Williams gave Lucas’s shoulder one last squeeze before he turned and walked back the way he’d come from.
“Luc, Luc, hey, you need to sit down.” It was Aaron. He was standing in front of him, holding him up by the arms.
Lucas hadn’t realized that his legs had given out, and that he was on his way down. But Aaron had a firm grip on him, so now Lucas was wobbling side to side. He couldn’t remember how to use any of his limbs anymore. What the hell was happening?
“Sit down,” Aaron insisted.
So Lucas sat down. On the floor. He sat there, staring at a wall while Aaron knelt beside him. Faintly, he could hear Aaron speaking to him, offering him water, asking about his well-being, but Lucas couldn’t say anything in return. Everything Dr. Williams had told him was running wildly through his head, and he couldn’t finish processing it.
Hemorrhage. Morgue. Funeral. Great person.
And then Lucas found his voice again. “She’s dead.”
When he could focus his vision again, the first thing he saw was Aaron. He looked crestfallen, tears filling his eyes. Lucas didn’t know what his own face looked like, but he didn’t think it was good, judging by the worry in Aaron’s eyes.
“Luc, are you with me?” Aaron asked, hands still gripping Lucas’s arms. “You listening to me right now?”
Lucas squinted. “She’s dead.”
“I know, buddy, I know.” Aaron swallowed. “I was there. I heard everything. I need to make sure you’re okay. You look like you’re about to pass out.”
Lucas blinked. “She’s dead.”
“Luc, do you need some water?” Aaron asked, looking around helplessly. “I really wanna get you some water, but I don’t wanna leave you here alone.”
“She’s dead.” It was sounding like a mantra.
Aaron let out a shaky breath. “Wait right here, alright? I’m getting you some water.”
She’s dead. She’s dead. She’s dead. She’s dead. She’s dead. She’s dead. She’s dead. She’s dead.
Aaron returned with a cold water bottle and twisted it open, offering it to Lucas. When Lucas didn’t grab it, Aaron pressed the top to Lucas’s open mouth, helping him drink as though he were a toddler. Lucas drank the water, doing his best not to choke on it.
Suddenly, a nurse showed up, letting them know she was there to escort them to Angelica’s room so they could say goodbye before she was taken to the morgue.
The promise of seeing Angelica made Lucas shoot up, finding strength in his limbs again. He followed the nurse with Aaron close beside him like he was worried Lucas would topple over any second. But Lucas knew he could do this. He had to see Angelica.
They stopped outside the room, where the nurse excused herself.
Lucas turned to Aaron. “Can you come inside with me?”
Aaron nodded. “Yeah, of course I’ll go with you.”
The room was freezing cold, and it infuriated Lucas, because didn’t they know Angelica was already cold? Couldn’t they offer her some warmth even in death?
Death.
Angelica didn’t look dead. She looked peaceful, deeply asleep. Her eyes were closed, and her arms hung at her sides. But there was something off about her. Lucas could not feel her energy anymore. Being near Angelica had always been electric. There had always been a strong, magnetic pull drawing him to her. However, Lucas had stopped feeling it. This was Angelica’s body, but she was no longer in it.
Regardless, Lucas brushed back Angelica’s hair from her face and was surprised to find that it was still soft, like it had always been.
Lucas knew he should be crying right now. For Christ’s sake, his wife was dead. But he thought maybe he was in shock, because his hands weren’t even shaking anymore. Lucas felt catatonic as he stared at Angelica’s face. Her chest wasn’t moving. She wasn’t breathing. Had she been afraid when she gave her last breath? Had she wondered why Lucas wasn’t in the room with her? She’d been unconscious the last time he’d seen her. He hadn’t been able to say goodbye to her.
“I’m sorry, Luc,” Aaron said, holding Angelica’s hand. “I’m so sorry.”
Lucas nodded.
Yes, he was sorry, too.
CHAPTER 35
AARON
Aaron drove Lucas’s truck back home the day after Angelica’s death. Ella, who’d been born with Angelica’s curly hair, was strapped into the car seat between Aaron and Lucas. It was impossible to believe that Angelica was gone. If Aaron hadn’t seen her lifeless body, he wouldn’t have believed the truth. Angelica had been so ready to be a mom. This shouldn’t have happened.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
Aaron had already cried his heart out in a bathroom stall. Bathroom breaks were the only times he’d left Lucas alone. Back at the hospital, he’d called Jay to let him know, and Jay and Crystal had both been inconsolable over the phone. However, Lucas hadn’t shed a single tear since he heard the news. Aaron couldn’t imagine what Lucas was going through right now, losing the love of his life. Aaron was grieving a close friend, but Lucas was grieving his fucking soulmate. His life partner. Those two things didn’t compare. Either Lucas hadn’t fully processed his loss, or he was keeping all of his feelings bottled up inside. Aaron was an expert with the latter, so he hoped that wasn’t the case.
Once home, Aaron carried the car seat inside while Lucas followed close behind. Aaron wasn’t even sure that Lucas had blinked in the last few minutes. Lucas’s eyes were gone, somewhere far away. Aaron had never seen that look on his face. It was what led him to believe that maybe Lucas just hadn’t processed the entire thing. He looked like he was sleepwalking.
Ella was asleep, and she looked like a living, breathing angel in her car seat. Aaron had dressed her in one of the newborn outfits from the bag Lucas had brought with him. It was a white onesie with teddy bears on the feet. He’d also changed her diaper. Aaron had asked Lucas if he wanted to take care of that, but it was like Lucas wasn’t really there. But Aaron didn’t mind doing it, and he had a lot of experience changing diapers.
“Luc, do you want me to put Ella in her crib?” Aaron asked, setting the car seat down on the couch.
Lucas wasn’t in the room anymore.
Daisy was standing by the car seat, sniffing Ella and wagging her tail.
“That’s your little sister, Daisy,” Aaron said, wondering if that was actually true. He’d never even owned a pet before. “I’m not gonna lie. It’s gonna be rough for you guys. But you gotta be strong, both of you. For Luc. He’s gonna need you now more than ever.”
Aaron decided not to bother Ella while she was sleeping so soundly. Instead, Aaron sat beside Ella on the couch. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. Ella’s skin was light brown, and her eyes were bright green. Ella looked like a perfect blend of Lucas and Angelica, so naturally, she was beautiful. Thinking about Angelica filled Aaron with sadness all over again. Aaron already felt uncomfortable being in this house without seeing Angelica with her big belly and matching smile. There was never a time when Angelica didn’t smile upon seeing Aaron. Damn it. Aaron started crying again.
Half an hour later, Jay and Crystal were at the door. Aaron hadn’t been expecting them, but he let them in. They both looked as distraught as Aaron felt. But the sight of Ella still brought a smile out of them.
“She’s beautiful,” Crystal said.
Jay nodded. “She really is.”
“You guys mind staying with her while I go check on Luc?” Aaron asked. “He disappeared as soon as we got here, and I wanna make sure he’s alright.”
“Yeah, sure, go ahead,” Crystal said, taking over Aaron’s place on the couch. “We’ll look out for her.”
Aaron went into the nursery first, but the door was open, and it was empty. He tried the master bedroom next and found Lucas sitting on the bed with his legs folded up to his chest, back pressed up against the headboard.
When Lucas saw Aaron, he wiped his cheeks. He looked embarrassed to be caught crying, as if he hadn’t seen Aaron crying and slobbering on him countless times before. “Aaron, I’m fine.”
Aaron stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. “You don’t have to put on a brave face for me.”
“I’m not,” Lucas said, his voice thick with tears. Then he buried his face in between his arms and started crying again.
Aaron sat down on the bed beside him. “It’s normal to feel like your world is falling apart right now.” He kept his eyes forward to give Lucas some privacy in his grief. “I still remember how it felt when I lost my mom as a kid. The pain comes in waves. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it. No matter what everyone tells you, it doesn’t just go away with time. Hate to tell you this, but this kind of stuff stays with you forever.”
Lucas was still crying quietly, head covered up. He looked like a child, so frail and small. Aaron wished he could erase all the pain he was feeling, but that was impossible. So, he threw an arm around Lucas’s shoulders and held him tight.
“Except it’s not always this unbearable,” Aaron continued. “After some time, the pain quiets down. And then it’s just like the hum of a quiet song that keeps replaying in your head.” Aaron sighed. “You have Ella now, Luc. You have a daughter, and she’s amazing. I’m not gonna rush you, but whenever you’re ready, you should hold her in your arms. I think it’ll help you.”
Lucas said nothing in return, but Aaron hadn’t been expecting it.
Aaron sat with him until the tears stopped.
About an hour later, the room had grown dark. Neither of them had moved from their place on the bed. Aaron thought maybe Lucas had fallen asleep, but his breathing was too uneven for that to be true. Outside, Ella started crying. She was either hungry or in need of a diaper change.
“I’ll go check on her,” Aaron said, but Lucas held his arm to stop him. It was too dark to see his face when he finally lifted it. “What’s wrong?”
“Aaron, I don’t want to take advantage of your kindness. You have no idea how much I appreciate you helping me with Ella. I want to take care of my daughter, I do. But I’m—”
“You’re grieving, I know. I get it. You don’t have to explain anything to me, Luc. You take all the time you need to grieve. I can take care of Ella until you feel ready. It’s the least I can do after everything you’ve done for me.”
“I promise, I will go out there and be a dad, but I just need some time.” His voice broke, and he stayed quiet for a brief minute. “I just need some time, Aaron.”
Aaron nodded, though he knew it was too dark for Lucas to see it. “Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Thank you.”
Aaron squeezed Lucas’s shoulder before hopping off the bed and stepping back into the living room.
Jay was holding Ella in his arms, and he looked terrified the louder she cried. “Aaron, I don’t know why she won’t stop crying.”
