Impossible To Forget, page 28
Romany just stood there, not quite able to believe it. It didn’t matter what the other universities did now. She had her offer from Durham. All she had to do was get the grades. Just like that! This thought sent a wave of dread and panic crashing over her, but she told herself that actually having the offer changed nothing on that front. The grades were still within her capabilities. She just needed to keep going as she was doing and not take her eyes off the prize.
‘And when I get in at Newcastle, I’ll just be up the road,’ grinned Laura, and Romany nodded.
That was all part of the plan. The gap between the two towns was big enough for them each to build new friendships, but small enough that Romany had a place to retreat to. They had discussed it at length. Romany wouldn’t be coming home at weekends like most students did. When she left for university, Tiger would leave as well, released from his gilded cage to fly back into the world, leaving the flat standing empty. The thought of returning to an empty place, with all the memories that were woven into every plate or cushion, was more than she could contemplate. The holidays would be a different matter, but she would work that out when it happened. For now, knowing that Laura would be close by in Newcastle was enough.
‘I can’t believe how fast this year is going,’ Laura said, as she scrolled down her phone for what she had missed whilst in class. ‘Mocks coming up and then that’ll be it – the actual exams. End of school! End of life as we know it!’ Laura twisted her face into an expression of mock horror. ‘Shit!’
Then the bell rang and they shuffled off to their next lessons. For now, life went on as it always had done. Romany had to agree with Laura about time racing by, though. It was already over three months since her mum had died. In many ways it felt like forever. Every morning, she woke with a list of things that she wanted to tell her mum in her head, and every night she went to bed with the dull pain of her absence sitting in her stomach like a stone.
But in other ways, time really was flying. How could it be nearly Christmas already? Decorations twinkled in every shop window and strings of lights festooned lamp posts and trees in all directions. They had even got a tree up at home. Romany hadn’t been sure she had the heart for it, but when she got back one day and discovered that Tiger had bought one and decorated it himself, she was suddenly glad that he’d made the effort. Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without a tree. He’d even got a full set of new decorations. He told her he hadn’t been sure where their old ones were, but Romany suspected that he hadn’t wanted to stir up painful memories. And he’d been entirely right. This wasn’t the year to have a tree decorated with all the old familiar things.
Romany hadn’t realised that she had put Christmas in the ‘too hard’ box as well, and had avoided thinking about it until Tiger asked her what she wanted to do to celebrate.
‘I haven’t had a Christmas in the UK for . . .’ His gaze went up to the ceiling as he tried to work it out. ‘Well, I’ve no idea, but it’s been a bloody long time.’
‘I’ve never had a Christmas anywhere else,’ said Romany. She could feel her throat closing up. Sometimes she fought hard to maintain control but sometimes she just let the tears come. This was one of those times. Christmas without her mum. She had no idea how she could even think about it, let alone get through it.
Tiger saw her tears and edged closer. Over the months, they had become more used to one another, the awkwardness of the first few weeks falling away little by little. Now, for the first time, he pulled her into a hug. It took Romany by surprise, but then she let herself lean into him, enjoying the warmth of another person’s body against hers and the feeling of someone bigger than her enclosing her. Sometimes all she wanted was for someone else to take control so that she could be the child again. She cried into his shoulder, and he just held her until her sobs started to slow and then faded away.
‘Tell me about Christmases with your mum,’ he said. ‘Come on, sit down.’
They moved across to the sofa and she sat cross-legged next to him.
‘Well,’ she began, ‘Christmas Day was usually just me and Mum, but Maggie came sometimes too. We didn’t do the whole turkey thing, obviously. There wasn’t even a special meal that we always ate. We’d just make what we fancied. Last year we had curry takeaway, because Mum didn’t want to cook. We did presents, though. Mum used to make me a stocking full of lots of little things. She must have collected them all year long. Sometimes there were things that I’d asked for and she’d said I didn’t need, but then they’d turn up on Christmas Day. She was really thoughtful like that. We’d open one each per hour.’
Tiger pulled a face. ‘I’m more of a “rip off all the paper in the first five minutes” man.’
‘Yes. That’s what I wanted to do when I was little, too . . .’ Romany spotted the insult just too late, but she ignored it. ‘But the older I got, the easier it was to take it slowly. And anyway, it was just the way we did things, so it seemed normal to me. Mum said it was so we could properly appreciate each gift and be grateful for it.’
‘That sounds like your mum,’ agreed Tiger.
‘And then we’d play Scrabble and watch films and I’d eat chocolate. Mum might even eat some sometimes. And she bought beer! It was the only day of the year that she had it. She used to pretend that she didn’t miss it, but she did really. I could just tell.’
‘It sounds like the perfect Christmas,’ said Tiger.
Romany nodded and the tears started to fall again.
‘So, how about this year we do it differently,’ suggested Tiger. ‘Instead of staying here, let’s go out for Christmas lunch. We can go wherever you like. You choose. And we can invite Maggie and Leon too, if you like. Make it a bit of a party.’
Romany’s heart lifted a little. ‘That would be great,’ she said.
‘We can start a whole new tradition,’ continued Tiger. ‘It might be the shortest run tradition in history,’ he added. ‘But still.’
She grinned at him. ‘Thanks, Tiger,’ she said.
He shook off her thanks as if it was nothing. ‘How about you find a restaurant and I’ll speak to Maggie and Leon,’ he said.
‘Okay,’ she said. ‘I’ve seen this place that looks really cool. I’ve always wanted to go. I’ll see if they’re going to be open on Christmas Day. I’ll go and search it now.’
‘Great,’ said Tiger. ‘That sounds like a plan then.’
Romany leaned across and surprised herself by planting a peck on his cheek. That was something she could never have imagined doing three months ago.
‘Thanks, Tiger,’ she said again, and he smiled back. His eyes were glistening, too.
47
Maggie looked at the sparkly Christmas tree earrings and wondered, yet again, whether she could get away with them. They weren’t really her style, or even to her taste, but there was a kind of frivolous silliness about them that appealed to her. Other people wore festive jewellery and seemed to survive without looking like they were trying too hard. Maybe she could wear them in an ironic way, so that if anyone commented on how unlikely they were on her, she could toss her head and give them a sympathetic smile, as if they had completely missed the point. What if she just wore one, a nod to Christmas but showing that she hadn’t totally bought into the commercial vibe?
Or could there be a possibility that she was overthinking the entire thing? She scooped the earrings up and dropped them back into the box. Maybe next year . . .
She had never eaten out on Christmas Day before, which was, of course, the point. It was touching that Tiger had been sensitive enough to realise that Romany would need something different this year. Touching, and quite surprising. Maggie had thought that out of Romany’s guardians, she was the one with a monopoly on thoughtfulness, but in that, as in so many other things, she had been wrong.
It was sweet of him to invite her and Leon, too. There had been no suggestion that they should invite Hope, Romany’s fourth and thus far absent other guardian. Maggie had wrangled with that. It felt wrong for them all to be going out together without even running it by her. She had managed to rationalise it by thinking that the fact that the three of them had been appointed ‘guardians’ was irrelevant to their decision to spend Christmas Day together. They were doing that because they were old friends, who were, quite rarely and possibly uniquely, all available on December 25 this year. Hope would no doubt have other things she would rather be doing, like spending the day with that boyfriend, if he was still on the scene. Maggie hadn’t seen her since the reading of Angie’s will and then the conversation hadn’t strayed into the state of her love life, for obvious reasons.
So Maggie had stopped feeling bad and started looking forward to a Christmas lunch out. Romany had chosen the restaurant, a place that Maggie had taken clients to a couple of times, back when she had clients, but she didn’t remember much about it other than that it had been perfectly acceptable. It possibly wasn’t the kind of place she would have chosen for Christmas lunch but then again, wasn’t that exactly the point? A change, something new and totally unconnected to anything that Angie had done – that was the driving force behind the whole day.
She heard a car pulling up in the driveway. Leon was here. He always wanted to be in Leeds on Christmas Day morning, so that he could pop round and see his boys. This tradition would come to an end soon, she imagined. Thomas was twenty-two and would surely want to be making his own Christmases soon enough, if only to get away from the all-controlling Becky, but for now Maggie didn’t mind waking up alone on the big day and she rather enjoyed having the morning on her own, pottering about with ‘Carols from Kings’ on the sound system and a glass of something bubbly in her hand.
She slipped her feet into her shoes and took a last glance at herself in the mirror – she looked fine, she concluded, and with no need for sparkly Christmas tree earrings.
The restaurant was already busy, but there was a table for four right in the centre just sitting quietly and waiting for its occupants to arrive. It was stylishly dressed with white linen and sparkling glasses, but there were the obligatory crackers and party poppers at each place setting. You couldn’t escape Christmas entirely, then, Maggie thought, throwing a glance at Romany to see if they troubled her, but she was smiling, sharing a joke with Tiger and didn’t seem distressed. Maggie would be led by her as to whether they pulled them or dropped them discreetly to the floor.
They followed the waitress to their table and then, after a brief hesitation over seating arrangements, settled themselves down. Tiger immediately snatched up a cracker and offered one end to Romany. So much for his sensitivity, Maggie thought, but Romany seemed to accept it in the spirit that it had been offered, and soon everything that could be pulled had been and they were all sitting there in jaunty paper hats and squinting at terrible jokes.
‘This is great,’ said Romany, who somehow managed to look stylish in her yellow cracker crown. ‘Thanks so much everyone.’
No doubt someone would have to mention Angie at some point in the proceedings, but not just yet, Maggie thought. Leon also appeared to be thinking that the moment needed to be delayed as he reached for the drinks menu.
‘Shall we order some wine?’ he asked, and they all jumped at the chance to focus on something other than the absence of Angie as a discussion on what type and how much ensued. After that there was much cooing over the menu, which gave a choice of several dishes for each course but with no turkey in sight.
Conversation began, opening with Romany’s offer from Durham and the trip that she and Tiger had taken to look round, and then moving on to more random topics as the wine flowed. The meal was interspersed with various amuse-bouche and complimentary extras that they all passed judgement on, favourable or otherwise depending on taste. They were just finishing their main courses when a loud clapping started up behind them. Maggie turned to see that the chef and his team, all in glowing whites, had emerged from the kitchen to take applause. Maggie thought it a little pretentious, but perhaps it was a Christmas Day thing, which seemed fair enough when all the kitchen and waiting staff had sacrificed their own family Christmases to make their guests’ days perfect.
Maggie turned in her seat so that she was facing the team, and then joined in the clapping. It seemed to be going on for an inordinate length of time, to her mind at least, and so she let her eye run along the line. It settled on the oldest, who was standing in the middle wearing a tall chef’s hat and beaming. He was probably the main man, she thought. He looked familiar, but she couldn’t place him.
The hubbub died down and the team headed back into the kitchen to prepare dessert. What was left of Maggie’s meal had gone cold and so she put her knife and fork down, ready to wait for whatever was coming next. She was hardly going to go hungry, given the amount of food they had been served.
Then she felt a tap on her shoulder and turned round to see Hope standing there. Guilt flooded Maggie at once and she could feel heat roaring into her face. How had Hope found out? Was she, just like the bad fairy in Sleeping Beauty, going to make an embarrassing fuss about not having been invited to the party? It was, of course, unlikely, but Maggie couldn’t help but feel terrible that they were so obviously all there without her.
But Hope was smiling broadly. She looked stunning in an elegantly cut black cocktail dress with sparkles cascading down the front like a diamanté waterfall.
‘Hi everyone,’ she said, quickly bestowing a dazzling smile on each of them that left Tiger barely able to close his mouth. Maggie’s irritation began to fizz. Could he not show a bit more self-control? It was pathetic, it really was. She didn’t look to see what effect Hope was having on Leon.
‘Hi Romany,’ Hope continued, ‘and merry Christmas. Are you having a lovely time?’
‘Hi,’ said Romany. ‘Merry Christmas to you too. Yes, we are, thanks. What are you doing here? Are you eating?’ Romany looked around the room, trying to identify which group Hope was with.
‘No such luck. I’m working,’ replied Hope with a little shrug that made Maggie want to roll her eyes. ‘This is my boyfriend Daniel’s place. It’s all hands to the pump today, so rather than sitting at home eating chocolate on my own, I thought I’d come in and help out.’
Maggie thought that it was highly unlikely that Hope ate chocolate, alone or otherwise. She probably did a full gym workout on Christmas Day. But that was why Maggie recognised the chef, she realised – from Hope’s thirtieth party.
‘And you’re all here. How lovely. I suppose it must be hard, your first Christmas without your mum.’
Maggie’s irritation rose still further. Did the woman have no sense? That was clearly going to be a difficult question, and one that didn’t need asking.
But Romany seemed prepared. ‘Yeah, it is hard, but Tiger suggested we did something totally different this year, and so here we are.’
‘Good idea,’ Hope replied, gracing Tiger with another of her beautiful smiles. Maggie smouldered, lips drawn in a tight line.
‘And thanks for your card and present,’ continued Romany. ‘A spa day is a really lovely idea. I’d love to come. Maybe we could fix it for after my mocks are over. I’ll need some serious me time then.’
‘Whenever suits you is good for me,’ said Hope. ‘Just give me a ring and I’ll arrange it.’
So, there had been some contact between Hope and Romany then, thought Maggie. She was both pleased and a little miffed at the same time, and wondered whether she might be a little bit jealous, which was, she knew, completely ridiculous.
‘Listen,’ said Hope. ‘I have to go now, but we’re nearly at the end of lunchtime service. Why don’t you hang around for a few minutes after your coffee and we can have a quick drink and a catch-up? I’ll drag Daniel out of the kitchen and you can meet him, although he probably won’t be at his best!’ She smiled again. She really was the most beautiful woman; Maggie did have to concede that.
‘That would be lovely,’ said Romany, speaking for them all. ‘It’ll be nice to say hello. We’ll see you later.’
‘Great,’ said Hope. ‘And now I’d better get back to the fray. I’ll see you in a while.’
A long table along the back wall had broken into a rowdy and rather flat version of ‘I Wish it Could be Christmas Every Day,’ which was changing the ambience of the room somewhat, and she sashayed off to speak to them.
‘Have you seen much of her, Romey?’ asked Maggie. She knew she was being childish in hoping that Hope had been neglecting her duties. It was Romany that was important here, not her own petty dislikes.
‘Not really,’ replied Romany. ‘Not nearly as much as I see of the rest of you, anyway.’ Maggie tried not to feel smug. ‘She messages me a bit, though, so we’ve had a few conversations. She’s really nice but I think she’s pretty busy. She sent me a voucher for Christmas for the two of us to go to a very posh spa over near Harrogate, which was kind of her.’
Maggie saw Tiger look down at his fingernails. He had obviously omitted to get Romany a gift, but she doubted Romany would have been expecting anything.
‘Yes,’ agreed Maggie. ‘That was kind. Right then,’ she added, wanting to change the subject away from perfect, beautiful Hope, ‘who’s for pudding?’
48
Coffee and delicious handmade chocolates had been served and most of the other guests had departed, leaving the four of them, an island in a sea of discarded napkins and half-filled glasses.
Romany was ready to go home. It had been a lovely idea, coming out, and she wasn’t sure how she would have coped if they had tried to have a ‘normal’ Christmas at home, but now she was ready to slip into her pyjamas and watch whatever crap they were showing on the television. They couldn’t leave yet, though, because of the invitation from Hope to stay for a drink, and so Romany resigned herself to another hour or so of her guardians.
She wasn’t complaining. They’d been good fun, although they were all quite drunk now. Leon had been liberal with his ordering of wine, calling for fresh bottles almost before the previous one was drained, perhaps to make sure that things stayed jolly. Romany had drunk the first couple of glasses quickly, a kind of anaesthetic against the potential pain, but it had turned out to be a nice afternoon, light-hearted and not at all maudlin, and she had quickly decided that she didn’t need an alcoholic crutch to get her through it.
