His Paparazzo, page 4
Colin stared at him a moment, then walked back for the brownies, brought them over, and sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed. He took a pinch of the gooey brown dessert and ate it.
"If I keep splurging like this, I'll have to go on a major diet," he said conversationally. "But what's a vacation without a splurge or two?" He looked up, meeting Zach's gaze solemnly. "You know, one of the things I like about you...is that you didn't feel like we had to rush into anything."
One of the things? There's more than one? Zach felt a giddy laugh rising in his throat.
Colin's warm blue eyes regarded him affectionately. "What I'm trying to say is, maybe waiting is a good idea. It's not like there's any rush."
"Yeah," said Zach, stretching a little, feeling both disappointed and relieved in equal amounts. "We have all week."
"No." Colin looked up at him, something vulnerable and almost shy flashing across his handsome features. At the same time, he looked incredibly certain, even bold.
"No?" Zach tried to keep his voice casual, but it cracked.
Colin put a hand on his knee through the sheet and squeezed gently. The touch did funny things to Zach's insides.
"Not just a week." Colin shook his head and reached for another pinch of the brownie. "I was thinking. I've got a busy schedule after my vacation, but...if you can clear a few hours here and there, maybe we could spend some time together. Can't get out much without the paparazzi hounding us, but...there's plenty to do at my home. DVDs, wheatgrass shakes." He looked up and tried to smile. "I'd really like it if you'd stop by."
Oh wow. Did he just...? Zach suddenly found he couldn't keep the smile from his face. His toes were curling under the sheet. "I'd like that, too."
Colin grinned suddenly and leaned nearer. "What do you say?" he asked in the fake Scottish accent from a certain romantic comedy about a misfit Scotsman in America, which Zach may or may not have memorized. "Will ye go steady with me?"
Zach laughed aloud and grabbed him close in a quick hug, kissing the side of his neck. He nodded and laughed at the same time. "Yes." Oh, you beautiful man... It may have been a joke—Colin and his accents—but it wasn't just a joke. For a moment, Zach felt like he might burst from sheer happiness.
THE ODD THING WAS, it was easier because they hadn't intended it. They didn't hop in bed together planning to get busy and have sex.
Zach pulled on some clothes. He ate brownies with Colin. They watched a movie together. Colin's hand stroked over the back of his neck and back in a friendly, tender touch that made Zach wonder if he'd ever felt anything as good before or ever would again. At one point, Colin took Zach's hand and just held onto it, rubbing it between his own.
And then they looked into each other's eyes, and then, then there weren't any words. Colin brushed a thumb on Zach's cheek and leaned nearer. That kiss turned into another kiss, turned into a couple of hundred kisses, here and there, exploring each bit of skin as they revealed it, undressing one another slowly and haphazardly, without urgency or haste. And when the rest of it happened between them, it felt just as absolutely slow and natural, building at the perfect rate, never too fast.
At no point did Zach feel like he was 'having sex.' He'd always thought having sex meant down-and-dirty action, meant porn videos and rushing to reach something you wanted, getting yourself off, and the other person if you were both considerate. For the first time in his life, he knew what people meant when they talked about 'making love.' There could be no other term for this, this tender, slow-growing, crescendo-reaching climax of worshipping each other's bodies.
This wasn't perfect because it was (finally, finally) with a man, or even because it was with a man he trusted. No, it was perfect because it was Colin. Not the movie star, the gorgeous guy who'd troubled his dreams for so long, but Colin, the gentle, goofy, tender man who laughed at his jokes and didn't push him.
They made love, in the highest place in the world, in a bed that felt soft and wide as a cloud. They held onto each other, afterwards, not letting go even as sleep drifted near.
Zach wanted to stay awake longer, to remember this feeling forever. But sleep found him and pulled him down, down, and finally he let go, safe in Colin's arms.
Chapter five
Apparently, actors liked to sleep late.
Zach was up, showered, and dressed before Colin so much as stirred in bed. Zach stopped beside the spacious king-sized bed again, a smile softening his face as he looked down at the sleeping man. He looked so vulnerable and innocent sleeping like that...and yet so sexy. The covers had slid down in his sleep, revealing most of his gorgeous, perfectly sculpted chest. Zach wanted to reach out and touch him again, but didn't want to wake him.
It had been so easy last night. He hadn't known anything could be so easy. All those years I wasted trying to make myself like women when it just wasn't going to happen. He sobered at the thought and wasn't smiling quite so much.
It used to be so hard. Every thought and feeling, however brief, was subject to censorship. He was afraid of his own shadow in many ways, afraid to think about what he couldn't face yet. It took him such a long time. It all felt wasted, but really, had it been? Hadn't he needed exactly as long as it took to accept himself and wrestle with his own worth and value?
It took time to sort past the maze of confusing, conflicted information about being gay. Religious leaders could make it seem like a scary place to end up, a place he'd chosen when he hadn't—because if he had, he'd have been able to un-choose it, and he'd been trying to do that for most of his life, which hadn't worked. Then there were the messages from the media, popular culture, and people he'd met in his life. The message was that being gay was pretty much just about sex. That if he admitted to being gay, it should change his whole personality and how he acted and approached life; he'd have to go from being a conservatively-raised Jewish boy who'd been taught he needed to "wait," to a sex-obsessed, confident, club-hopping man with sculpted abs.
Well, I didn't wait anymore, he thought, feeling a little guilty. But it's not like I can wait till I get married anyway. It did look like he'd be able to someday, but what was the point worrying about that when it was such a contentious issue? It might happen nationally in his lifetime, it might not. He certainly wasn't ready to start campaigning about it, when he wasn't even ready to tell his parents. The important thing to him was finding a committed relationship, whatever his country did or didn't say about him getting married. The commitment would be real in his heart if he ever made it, whatever anyone else said.
But it's not like I waited even for that.
That old Jewish guilt smote him and left him breathless for a moment, his chest tight. What would his mother say? His father? ("My only son, sleeping with actors!") Their first thoughts would be of the shame, then of the grandchildren he might never have, and lastly of disease. They'd probably decide he had AIDS, even with evidence to the contrary. He swallowed, hard. It still made him practically have a panic attack when he thought about coming out to his folks. Someday, he'd be ready. And they'd be ready. At least, he hoped so.
It took me more than twenty years to accept myself. It might take a little longer before I'm ready to tell the world, and before my parents are ready to hear it.
He glanced again at the beautiful man sleeping peacefully in that wide, cloud-soft bed, and a smile overtook him. Thinking, even just thinking, about Colin gave him a warm, tingly feeling inside. And he couldn't regret it.
He wants to spend time with me. I want to spend time with him. Maybe it's not a life commitment, but it's something. It's a lot more than I ever thought I'd have, some days. I want to see where this goes. But even if we don't end up being the love of each other's life, I don't regret it. He was so caring. It was perfect with him. And I think I do love him at least a little bit, and we were careful.
The strict, guilt-ridden side of his brain scolded that that wasn't enough. But he nudged it aside. He didn't want to listen to that anymore. He'd take things as they came. At least, he'd try to.
I'm not going to be broken-hearted if he doesn't want to keep seeing me after a while. We'll give it a shot, see if we keep getting along and...yeah.
Okay, so maybe he would be a bit broken-hearted if things didn't work out. The rush of sorrow in his guts hinted at that, anyway. But it was worth it, wasn't it? Worth trying, worth risking his heart.
He's worth it, I'm sure of it. I'm so tired of being lonely and hiding from myself. He makes me feel alive, like I'm blooming and growing and just...alive.
He went down to the kitchen and fetched some breakfast things, smiling at the teasing look he got from the cook, who asked what it was like going to bed with Colin Colton. Zach blushed, didn't answer directly, and managed to get away with some hot cocoa and muffins. They smelled so good, they'd probably wake Colin, but at least he'd wake up to something pleasant.
Zach tiptoed back to the room and let himself in. He paused for a moment, holding the tray, and stared at the sleeping Colin, feeling his heart melting and his whole self going soft with affection. His worries about the future, the past, his family, and everything else disappeared when he glimpsed Colin.
How was it possible a movie star could be such a nice guy? And so ready to care about him? Zach put the tray down on the table beside the bed and climbed quietly back into the side opposite Colin. At least he could lie here and watch him sleep. He settled quietly, propped his head up on his arm, and managed not to disturb Colin.
Pinch me...!
After bit, Colin began to awaken. He stretched with unselfconscious, full-bodied enjoyment. Then his eyes slowly opened. When they focused on Zach, Colin smiled. "Hey," he said in a croaking voice.
"Hey," said Zach, grinning. And oh, his foolish heart beat madly.
Colin reached up and rubbed a hand back over his tousled hair, rubbing it back and forth as if a scalp massage would help him wake up. He closed his eyes again for a moment, stretched once more, even more thoroughly, and then his eyelids popped up, and he reached over and gave Zach's wrist a gentle squeeze. "You been up long?"
"Long enough to bring you breakfast." He nodded to the little table.
"Oh, is that what I smell?" Colin sat up. He looked at the tray and took a deep, appreciative sniff. "Damn. Lovely!" He got up and headed reluctantly to the bathroom. A few moments later he returned, drying his hands on his pajama pants. He sat down next to the food tray.
Zach got up, walked around the bed, and sat next to Colin. Their feet hung down side by side. Somehow the sight of them together like that, legs in unison, made Zach feel all warm and bubbly inside like an undercooked brownie popped in the microwave and set on high. He put an arm around Colin and leaned against his shoulder.
Still clumsy from sleep, Colin made a soft sound in his throat, almost a gentle grunt, and struggled to put an arm around him in return. He brushed the top of Zach's head with a kiss. "Thank you," he said.
"Thank you," said Zach.
The arm around him squeezed gently. "I meant for breakfast. But that, too."
Zach squeezed his eyes closed, and wished he could capture and bottle this moment for infinity.
"We'd better eat," said Colin. "Hey, are you trying to fatten me up?"
"Why?" Zach straightened up. "Don't you like muffins and cocoa now?"
"I do. Maybe a little too much. I'll be on liquid shakes for a month if I'm not careful." But all the same he reached for the tray.
Zach regarded him fondly. "You're perfect the way you are."
Colin snorted. There were crumbs around his mouth, some of them blue from the blueberries. He wiped at his mouth with a thumb. "If I stopped being obsessed with how I look, I wouldn't get work anymore."
"That's not true," said Zach, straightening up a little further. "There are lots of less-than-perfect actors in Hollywood."
"Yeah, if they've been here all their lives. Even so, they don't get as much work or attention of people who keep extremely fit. Believe me, I'd love to relax and stop worrying about how I look. Believe me. But it's pretty hard to do when I have people left and right telling me I need to bulk up, slim down, or whatever. Gets so I feel guilty every time I eat."
"Sorry," said Zach. "I didn't mean to make your life harder."
Colin squeezed his eyes shut and grimaced. "I didn't mean to sound like such an arse. Sorry. You don't make my life harder—definitely not."
"It's fine. I guess you have to think about these things whether you like it or not." He reached out to grab one of the muffins. "Here, I'll help you so you don't overdo." He grinned as he took a huge bite, and then wiped at his mouth self-consciously. "What?"
Colin was staring at him with a fond look, a smile that seemed ready to turn into a laugh. "Nothing." Colin shook his head, ducking his chin a little and smiling in a way that showed off his gorgeous dimple. "Just...where have you been all my life?"
"In the closet," said Zach. "And I still am, sort of. But not to myself anymore. Never again." He hugged Colin close.
"Don't tell me you weren't sure before last night." Colin looked startled and alarmed. "I didn't influence any of this, did I?"
"No, of course not, dodo. You can't make someone gay. You didn't influence any of it."
"Oh, good. If you'd regretted it this morning, I'd be so sorry. I didn't want to take advantage of you or anything like that."
Zach thumped him lightly on the arm. "If anybody took advantage, it was me. Stop being such a worrywart!"
Colin laughed then. "A dodo and a worrywart. Did you suddenly revert to being twelve?"
"I get old-fashioned when I'm passionate about something," said Zach. It just popped out. And then Colin was looking at him, and Zach flushed.
Colin reached for him, and it was just like a movie. No, it was better than a movie, the way Colin pulled him into a kiss.
COLIN HUMMED WHILE he brushed his teeth. Really. Hummed. How can anyone hum while brushing their teeth? Zach moved toward the bathroom doorway and leaned in it, his hip bumping against the quality, lightly-stained wood. He leaned there and just watched. Damn, Colin was amazing. Even just brushing his...well, now he was gargling and rinsing. But even so.
Colin spat, dried hands and mouth, and turned to grin at him. He raised one eyebrow in a way that was flattering, flattered, and a bit suggestive. "Waiting for something?"
Zach, who honestly hadn't been, flushed to his roots. And now he was waiting for something, and Colin grinned at him, and moved toward him, still bare-chested. He reached for Zach's waist to pull him close. Zach moved into his arms, tilting his face up for the kiss they shared. Colin tasted of toothpastey cool mint.
A phone rang. They ignored it for a bit, but it kept ringing. At length, Colin drew back, sighing. "I'd better get that. Three people have this number." He gave Zach a promising pat on the bottom and moved away reluctantly.
Zach followed, reaching up to poke lightly at Colin's sculpted back. "Don't take too long, okay? I need to get working soon."
"Yeah, yeah. Working man." He rolled his eyes and grabbed his phone off the side table. The teasing, frank look he cast him made Zach blush again.
"Maybe I'll quit after all," said Zach, grinning.
Colin answered his cell phone, and Zach stood there waiting, his bare feet getting cold. The broad windows looked out onto a frozen world, a beautiful world perfect for skiing. Zach had never been skiing a day in his life and never intended to. But he would always remember and associate snow and cold with Colin. He was absolutely sure of it.
He tingled with anticipation—and then watched Colin's face change. Worry darkened his brow, made him look older and afraid. He scraped fingers back through his gorgeous mane. "I— When did...?" He was silent, his gaze frozen as if in horror, his grip tight on the phone. "Is she... No. Yes. Of course. I'll take the first flight." His voice caught a little on the words. He walked past, gave Zach's shoulder a regretful squeeze, and continued talking into the cell phone.
Soon, he was packing. And Zach helped. He'd never planned to help Colin rush away from him. But heart attacks and mothers trumped vacations and relationships. So he helped Colin pack, and told him of course it was okay, I hope she's all right, and all the other things civilized people said to one another.
"I'll see you when I get back, okay?" said Colin vaguely. The furrow hadn't left his brow once since he answered the phone.
"Yeah. I'd like that." He leaned forward and gave Colin a quick, light kiss. "Be safe."
"I will. Thanks." And he swung his bag over his shoulder and just like that, Colin Colton was gone.
Zach stood in the empty, cold room that suddenly felt glacier big and desert empty. He curled his toes up under to protect them from the cold. I am not going to be a child about this. I am not.
He moved to stand in front of the window, gazed out at the empty bleakness of winter. He thumped his head forward to rest against the glass and squeezed his eyes shut. He felt like an asshole for being more concerned about his feelings than Colin's mother. But he'd never even met her or known she was alive until this morning, and things seemed to be crashing down around him and burning spectacularly.
I'll never see him again, will I? He'll take care of his mom, go back to his life, and I'll be a one-off. It mattered more than it should, and it hurt. He wiped at his eyes, sniffed once, and collected himself slowly. First, to gather up his discarded clothes from the night before. Then to quit this stupid temporary job and get the hell away from all this ice and snow and lack of Colin.
He thought regretfully of the other job he'd quit because of Colin. But I can't go back on my word, even if I never see him again. I promised.
Well, he'd just have to find something else to do, that was all.
Chapter six
He wasn't expecting to get the phone call. In fact, he didn't know how anyone could ever expect to get a phone call like that.
