Baby Doll, page 20
“It’s about Sky, isn’t it? That’s what’s troubling you?”
Lily hated that she’d given herself away. She wasn’t going to discuss Sky.
“She’s doing fine now. She’s making great progress. Her tutor says she’s reading at a third-grade level.”
“Lily, you can’t deny your daughter’s suffering.”
“I kept her safe. I told you—”
“You did. You’ve raised her well, brilliantly, in fact. She’s incredibly smart and intuitive and kind. But she’s not clueless. She knows something wasn’t right about her life down there. She has to be experiencing some kind of aftereffects. Or am I wrong?”
Lily tried to deny it, but Dr. Amari kept pushing and pushing until Lily confessed about Sky’s nighttime activities.
“I don’t know why she’d want to sleep in the closet. I did everything I could to make sure he didn’t hurt her.”
“But she knows that Rick hurt you. She knows something. She has to.”
Lily cried, knowing it was true. No matter how hard she tried, Sky had to know that Rick had harmed Lily. Dr. Amari moved to sit beside her, handing over tissues.
“As much as you want to protect her and move on with life as if none of this happened, Sky lived with the same terror and anxiety you have, even if she was too young to properly communicate it to you. She needs therapy just like you, Lily, and she needs it soon.”
Lily left the office, Dr. Amari’s words ringing in her ears. The last thing she wanted was for Sky to suffer. That night, after they’d said their prayers and kissed Mom and Abby good night, Lily curled up in bed with Sky, wrapping her arms around her, breathing in her perfect scent.
“Baby, do you understand why you can’t see Daddy Rick anymore?” Lily asked, bracing herself for the answer.
“Because he made you sad?”
“Yes. But he also hurt me. You know that, don’t you?”
“I know.”
“And I know it’s hard to understand, but Daddy Rick kept me away from Grandma and Abby and all my friends and family.”
“Why did he do that?”
That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? Lily didn’t understand, so how was it possible to explain to Sky? Lily’s inquiries seemed to give Sky permission, and she unleashed a torrent of questions. Did Daddy Rick still love her? Could she love him? Was she bad because he was her father? Lily realized Dr. Amari was right. She wasn’t equipped to answer these questions. How do you explain to a child what evil is when you don’t understand yourself? She pulled Sky in for a hug. She’d make this right. She’d help her daughter get answers.
With Dr. Amari’s support, Lily and Sky began working with a top-rated child psychologist. There were other things besides Sky’s sleep issues, phobias Lily hadn’t realized: large crowds, public spaces, food hoarding, suppressing her emotions. Sky thrived in therapy, enjoying the games her new “friend” Dr. Dobson taught her each week.
Dr. Amari was working with Lily, trying to prepare her for the day when Sky would go to school, something she constantly talked about. Dr. Amari stressed the importance of allowing Sky to have a real childhood, which meant interacting with children Sky’s age. Lily wasn’t ready to send Sky to school, but she hoped that one day soon she would be.
Initially, Lily dreaded her sessions with Dr. Amari, but slowly, she began to look forward to them. If Lily wanted to spend forty-five minutes talking about how much she hated driving by the high school, Dr. Amari let her. Lily found herself opening up more and more about Rick’s “training,” about her sadness over the death of her father, and her worry about what Abby had been through. She still never mentioned her feelings about Wes.
Some days she wished he’d just go away. Just walk out the front door and never come back. She knew that was wrong, especially when he treated them so well. Sometimes he’d stop and drop off dinner; other times he’d bring ice cream from Friendly’s. Lily might have been uncomfortable around Wes, but Sky adored him. He gave her piggyback rides and told her outrageous fairy tales that made Sky giggle uncontrollably. Lily reveled in those joyous moments. She’d taken a ridiculous amount of pictures and video on the cell phone she’d gotten for Christmas, recording all those “normal kid” things so she could review them later. Sometimes, Lily would lie awake for hours on end, staring at those images, freeze-framing them as if she might forever capture that happiness and remind herself she’d done something right. But inevitably, Lily would find her gaze drifting over to Wes, watching his dimpled smile and effortless nature. She’d force herself to shut off the video or leave the room, determined to forget about Wes and any fantasy that he would ever be hers.
As spring made its arrival, Lily grew stronger. She’d also gotten a new pair of running shoes for Christmas, and while she wouldn’t run alone, sometimes Mom would come along with her or she’d recruit Trisha to go for a run. She spent a lot of time staring at the garden, hating to see it so neglected. Something in Lily stirred, a desire to restore the yard to its former glory. She realized how strange it was, considering how much she’d resented her father’s devotion to the garden. He’d spend hours and hours on his days off, wearing his ratty U Penn med school T-shirt and shorts, his stupid gardening hat tilted to the side, digging and pulling weeds while educating the girls on the best times for planting. But now, Lily could pass hours in the sun, the moist dirt in her hands, the space transforming day by day. With her hands working the soil, she’d find herself feeling closer and closer to Dad, often waking up at dawn to pull up weeds or begin planting blooms and vegetables.
Lily loved being outside during the day, soaking up the sun. It was only at night that Lily began to see shadows that weren’t there, to hear noises that weren’t real. She knew it was irrational. She’d been kidnapped in broad daylight, but all those years in darkness had taken their toll.
It was one of those gorgeous spring days that Lily decided to stay home while Abby, Mom, and Sky went into Philly to do some shopping. Lily had been determined to plant her remaining tulip bulbs and had sent them off with her blessing. It was almost six o’clock that evening when Abby called.
“Lilypad, there’s a total cluster on the highway. We’ll be at least another hour. Maybe two.”
Lily tried to fight her rising panic, staring at the sun as it began to sink into the horizon.
“Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”
“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Abby asked.
Lily hadn’t told anyone about this irrational fear of the dark, even Abby. Considering everything she’d endured, it seemed almost silly.
“I’m fine, Abs. Drive safe, and tell Sky that Mommy loves and misses her.”
Lily hung up the phone and went back to work. Her hands dug into the dirt, but they were shaking, her breathing coming out in rapid spurts. She could feel her panic growing and she kept glancing out at the street, worried that Rick or some other unknown evil might choose tonight to take her away from all of this. She couldn’t take it anymore. Lily grabbed her phone and dialed.
“Wes, it’s Lily. I know it’s dumb, but it’s getting dark, and Mom and Sky and Abby got stuck in traffic, and I’m… I can’t be alone. I was just wondering…”
She didn’t even finish her sentence.
“I’m wrapping things up here at work. I’ll swing by in ten.”
She’d known that he would come. He’d do anything for Abby and, by extension, anything for Lily.
Wes arrived ten minutes later on the dot, still wearing his coat and tie. Lily had learned that Wes had his own real estate business, buying and selling fixer-uppers. He stripped off his necktie and jacket, rolled up his shirtsleeves, and clapped his hands, gesturing to the remaining bulbs waiting to be planted.
“Come on, don’t make me feel useless,” Wes said.
“Let’s just call it a night. I’ll finish up tomorrow.”
“No way. We’ve got a job to do.”
He picked up a tulip bulb, cradling it in his palm. Lily pointed out the order she wanted, and he followed her instructions, carefully organizing the flowers in long rows. He was calm, his brow furrowing as he planted. Lily finished her batch and then sat back on her heels. He turned and caught her staring at him.
“What is it? Am I doing something wrong?”
Without thinking, Lily reached out to wipe the dirt from his cheek. Wes stared back at her, and Lily leaned forward, her breath catching as their lips touched. The kiss began chastely, but Wes’s lips were so tender and warm. She moved in closer. She couldn’t believe it. He smelled and tasted exactly as she’d remembered. He felt it too. He stood up and pulled her to him. Lily pressed her entire body against his. She wanted him. She’d never wanted anyone more than she wanted Wes right now.
“I love you. I still love you.”
Wes jerked back as if she’d struck him. Lily realized she had to fix this. She had to make him see that she was the one he wanted. That it had always been her.
“Whatever you want, whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it. Please, Wes, there’s nothing I won’t do.” Lily’s voice was desperate as she reached for his belt. He roughly pushed her away.
“No, Lily, Jesus Christ, no. Don’t!”
She cowered, her hand blocking her face before he could strike her.
Wes stepped forward, stricken.
“I’m not… Jesus, Lily, I wouldn’t hurt you. You have to know that. But I can’t… We can’t…”
Lily heard the pity and the judgment in his voice. What had she done? What was wrong with her? The thoughts of that night at the hospital came rushing back. Horrified, Lily stumbled and almost toppled over into the dirt.
Wes reached out to steady her, but she pushed him away.
“I can’t believe… I shouldn’t have… I wanted to remember what it was like. What it could be like.”
“Lily. I understand.”
But he didn’t. Lily didn’t want to hear anything else. She pushed past him and fled upstairs. She stayed in her room until she was sure Wes had left, and then she texted Dr. Amari, requesting an emergency session.
An hour later, Lily sat across from the doctor and haltingly confessed what had happened. When she was done, she let out a sigh.
“I’m an awful human being.”
Dr. Amari leaned back, her gaze probing.
“Why do you say that?” Dr. Amari asked.
“I kissed Wes.”
“And that’s wrong because?”
Her tone held no judgment. No condemnation.
“He’s Abby’s now. She’s having his baby.”
“That’s true. So, why do you think you kissed him?”
Lily inhaled, her confession tumbling out. “I think about him all the time. When he’s in our kitchen and he pours Abby a glass of water, I want it to be me that he’s pouring it for. When Sky’s sitting on his lap and he’s reading to her, I think, ‘I wish he was reading to our daughter. I wish we were a family.’”
“But he’s not. You’re not.”
“I know.”
“And how does that make you feel?”
“It makes me feel like a horrible person. He’s been so good to me and to Sky. But I liked kissing him. I wanted him. But he’s Abby’s now. They’re having a baby together. And—”
“And you made a mistake. You’re human. You’re an ordinary person who makes mistakes.”
“No. No, it’s not that.”
“What is it, Lily?”
“It’s Rick. He’s made me this way. Turned me into someone who takes what I want, without thinking about the pain it causes the other person.”
“Is that really what you think? Why do you feel that way?”
“Don’t do that. Please don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what, Lily? We all know that Rick Hanson is a depraved individual. You could never be like him. You know why? Because your daughter is a wonderful child, and you are a wonderful young woman.”
Lily’s chest tightened. She stood up, worried she’d explode if she sat any longer.
“Don’t you see that I’ve thought about seducing Wes? I think about it, what I could do, what I’d let him do to me. Anything he wants, so he’ll love me. Not her. But she’s my sister…”
“And Wes was your first love?”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“It absolutely matters, Lily. How could it not? You were a child. A helpless child. And Rick Hanson stole that. He stole your sexuality and your innocence and all those years with your family and even your life with Wes. But Lily, if you were like Rick, you wouldn’t be sitting here in my office, talking about what a bad person you are. You’d be in bed with Wes or you’d be figuring out a way to steal him away. You’re not like Rick, Lily, and nothing you do will make you like him. It’s simplistic but it’s true. Good people make bad decisions. It happens all the time. That doesn’t make you a sociopath; it makes you human. Listen to me when I say you’re not like him. You can never be like him.”
You’re not like him. You can never be like him. Those words echoed in Lily’s head as she left Dr. Amari’s office. She promised herself that would become her mantra, and she’d keep saying it until one day, she’d finally believe it.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
RICK
The bitch was a murderer. There was no way around it. Rick still couldn’t believe that his baby was dead. As he stood under the leaky faucet in the jailhouse shower, icy cold water drenching him, he still felt that same sense of fury as when he’d heard the news. A miscarriage, that’s what they’d said. He’d never believe that. He’d hoped to deal with this tragedy in private, but Fred and the other guards had latched on to it, taunting him by leaving newspaper articles and decapitated dolls in his cell.
What really bothered him wasn’t the loss of the baby itself. What bothered him was that disobedient cunt and her lies. Didn’t everyone see that this was proof that Lily simply wasn’t capable of caring for herself?
“Rick, time’s up.”
Rick heard Angela’s voice and he shut off the water. He grabbed his towel and dried off, and he slipped into his jail-issued uniform. Angela cuffed him, her hands gently stroking his wrist. Rick smiled back, playing up their “connection” for all it was worth. Things had definitely heated up in recent weeks.
He’d been right. It was almost too easy earning her trust. Rick was kept in constant isolation, away from other inmates due to his “high-priority” status. Angela worked the late shift, or the “shit shift” as it was called, given to all the newbies. The other guards hated his guts, so it fell to Angela to escort him to the showers, his lawyer, or outside for his hour of recreation.
Rick’s trick to winning people over was simple—shut up and listen. Most people want to be heard, but they’re always just waiting for their turn to talk. Ugly women craved attention more than anyone. All it took was asking Angela about her life and she came alive. Each night she’d go on and on, venting about her mother, who thought Angela was a loser. Or her drug-addicted ex-husband Nick, who was withholding child support. Or her three-year-old son Caleb, whom she was convinced she was failing. Rick cataloged each name and issue, inquiring about them daily.
“How was Caleb’s first day at daycare?” “Did Nick keep his word and buy diapers?” “Did you tell your mother to go to hell?” Before long, Angela forgot who he was and the crimes he’d confessed to, and she began treating him like a trusted confidante. She’d fume about the ongoing abuse Rick endured at the hands of the guards, wondering how she could rat out her coworkers without losing her job. Rick told her not to bother.
“Maybe someone like me deserves this. Maybe they’re right.”
Angela would grow serious, and quote some bullshit Scripture about forgiveness. Rick never paid attention to religion. It was for mindless sheep, people so weak they couldn’t make decisions without written instructions. But he’d thanked Angela and mentioned that reading Scripture might be a useful way to pass the time. The next day a King James Bible appeared on his cot.
As the days passed he tested Angela, mentioning a novel he wanted to read (generally something pedestrian he knew she’d like, some inane romance novel or self-help book), and like magic it would appear in his cell. Before long there were chocolates and other homemade treats. He’d always thank her profusely, continuing to feign interest in her mundane life.
Now that he was fully dressed, they made their way around the corner and away from the camera’s view. He stopped, pushed her against the wall, and began kissing her passionately. Her desire was obvious, her tongue practically excavating his mouth as her roly-poly body clung tightly to him. He let his hands graze her body. He was really scraping the bottom of the barrel, but he’d been planning this moment. Their first kiss. When he finally pulled away, she was breathless.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for weeks. You’re all I can think about. But it’s not safe. If you got caught…”
A hesitant expression flashed across Angela’s face. Rick wondered if he’d misjudged her, that her sense of duty might outweigh her desire. But she clung to him, her voice a throaty whisper.
“You’re right. We’ll be careful.”
He grinned, lifting up a cuffed hand to stroke her cheek. Angela leaned into it.
“They’re wrong about you, Ricky. I know it.”
He winced. Ricky? But he forced a smile and put his cuffed hand in hers. He let it rest on the front of his pants. Even if she was disgusting, he still had needs and he’d been without female contact for far too long.
“You’ve made me very happy, Angie.”
“I’ll look out for you. Whatever you need, I’ll do it.”
She’d leaned in for one more kiss, and then led him back to his cell. Her hands trembled as she took off the cuffs. By the time she slammed the door shut and disappeared back down the hall, Rick realized that he finally had an ally.
