Dear Dandi Hart, page 28
“You’re so eloquent, I feel like I don’t deserve you.”
“I think you’re so good, and I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”
“Why do you think I am so special? I’m sick and I’m not going to get better. You know that, we all know that.”
“I… You deserve to be cared for just as much as anyone else. You’re sick, that is not something to be sorry for. You don’t have to apologize to me or anyone else for something you had no control over.”
I turned to look at him in my arms and he looked so small, but he nodded in turn, then replied, “I think I still need to learn that.”
“Its okay to ask for help, Ashling,” I said his name softly and I was sorry that he was hurting. and I reached for him, because sometimes that is the only thing you can do to weather the storm with someone. For now, that was all that needed to be said. Because maybe we were scared, and maybe there wasn’t anything else to be said right then.
I opened my mouth and then closed it again. I shook my head but maintained eye contact, unsure of what was happening.
"I want to… you're… I care about you. You cared for me when I was at my lowest and I want to help care for you now."
My cheeks burned and I told him, "I meant what I said, the other day."
"I know," He smiled at me and words couldn't suffice what I saw in that look. I watched him for a long time, and he watched me.
“It’s just complicated,” I said, sitting back at my own spot and holding his hands.
“What’s so complicated?” He asked.
“What are we?” I said, unsure and rambled. “I care so deeply for you that it scares me a little, and we’ve been through so much, you’ve been through so much,”
“I would marry you if it was a choice I could make,” he said and his words surprised me. Then I smiled and leaned across the table to kiss him.
“It could be?” I told him, rather hopefully, when I had pulled back from the tender kiss.
He shook his head as if he was unsure of what that ever would look like.
“We don’t have to stay here, you know, surrounded by all the laws of these courts. We have. options.”
“Seems likely a future of fighting and trouble, and I don’t see a way,” he said, shaking his head again, “it all seems so unclear to me.”
We spoke for a long time about the future we could build together somewhere that wasn’t here, a life that we could live in.
“The highlands.” He said this in a very plane way, as if there was nothing hidden in the context of those words and yet it spoke volumes to me.
"Of course," I said, my voice sounded deep and as we looked at one another, I saw the world in him.
...
Days and weeks bleed together, they passed in one another’s company. Time felt ethereal and fluttering about us. Ashling and I spent our days coming and going from one another’s places, filling our time with events, book readings, shopping and parties and so many other things.
Ashling got a job working for a fae shop keep, and things became hard for us. Things changed so slowly that it felt like everyday our lives became less and less sure. fae shop keeps were closing their doors, no longer able to sustain business as the Kosh people stopped shopping at their stores. Then whole blocks of fae people got moved in the middle of a week to the edge of the city, as travel became prohibited. We hadn’t always paid attention to what was happening with fae people, and I blamed myself for that as now laws changed. Pushing out fae owners and shop keeps, people blamed them for the failing crops and illnesses spreading. Suddenly, the counsel had forbidden people of fae descent from entering businesses owned by the Kosh. Food stalls stopped selling produce to fae people as the food shortage continued.
Our plans for Olm changed, at first. We thought about leaving to charter a trip to Olm, and now it would be an unlikely event without being able to move freely and like we might not be allowed back to Kosh.
Then, one unhappy day, I was sitting on the couch with Hank in my lap. He purred happily as I pet him. But kept squinting at me as if to say why are you home Dan. I spoke to him in a soft voice the whole time, telling him all of what had happened when Eld De Court had closed and Ellie and Brutus had taken Jo with them fleeing to Olm, I feared what was coming.
I felt pulled in two directions, I was still a lord of Kosh and, with money to spare, I had little to worry of, but even Jes and Liz had been talking of leaving the city if nothing else. I felt that I was preoccupied with the thought of what to do, with the state of the world. What did we do when everything fell apart around us?
“I don’t understand Hank. How can people treat one another this way?” Hank opened one eye and let out a soft confused meow, rubbing his head against my palm. Hank had no care in the world, he had life made.
A knock came at the door and Hank jumped out of my arms, hissing and running off to hide under the bed. I scowled angrily, alright. Hank had one care in the world, strangers.
As I went to go see who it was, I wrenched open the door, a bit angry at being disturbed, to find a flyer with green wings and a lithe body of speckled brown and white patches across his face and hands where I could see his skin. He was holding a bouquet of Daisies and looked up at me with a wide smile, his eyes shining green as his wings.
“Are you Dandi Hart the second?” He asked, his voice a clipped chirping Olmish accent.
“I am,” I said with a smile, surprised at this.
“These are my favourite deliveries,” he said brightly, and handed me the daisies and my heart melted a little.
“Ashling Oak sends his regards,” said the lithe delivery flyer with majesty, his wings filtering back and forth excitedly.
“Thank you,” I said and dig in my pocket, finding a few silvers. I tip all of them into his hand and his eyes shine as if I had given him a million gold.
“Do you wish for me to deliver a reply, my lord?” Asked the flyer excitedly.
I was examining the flowers, such a simple flower and yet he sent them to me. I find a note in the simple bouquet, and it reads simply.
Dear Dan,
I hate being here thinking of it all. We should really think of leaving. I was fired today, the shop is closing, not enough money to sustain business. More people are leaving Kosh. I think about it all, and my head hurts, my heart hurts, all that has happened— All I have witnessed— All that is you and what keeps you here and I worry. I am driven mad by it all. I see the way you look at me. I want to believe you see something there that you would not scorn or turn away from hardship. I need you to know that it would be a hardship we face, but we have that here in Troves as well. Perhaps it is time that we leave. All there is left of this place is turning to ruin, you are all that I can trust in. Perhaps all there is at all in this world is uncertainty and the willingness to trust someone. The hardships here are not worth staying and I do not believe that I could ever imagine the idea before truly leaving. But, with you, I could imagine it for the first time.
Yours faithfully,
Ashling
I think of you in the morning
The hazy way I woke from fever
I wish you were always there like that
On the edge of dream
Ever mine
- Ashling Oak
I held the card in my hand, staring at it for a long moment. Fear and anger and every emotion I could not name running though me and what was so wrong with this wasn’t anything he had said but rather my fear. I needed to wait, I needed time.
“My lord?” Asked the flyer suddenly.
“I am sorry, I forgot myself, yes, a reply.” I nodded and turned to my writing desk.
Dear Ashling,
Come with me to the country. I wish to go home, to make that a place of love and home for you as well. I know nowhere else I would rather be than with you, so should you wish to go I will come with you, but of course I would. But I beg of you to come with me to the country and see if life is so different there. I plan to send for Liz and Jesse to join as well. Say you will?
Yours lovingly,
Dandi Hart II
I took one of the daisies and folded my letter with it. Giving it to the flyer with another gold from my purse, with the promise of return.
Then off he flew into the day, off to find his quarry.
I placed the daisies into a vase and filled it with a bit of water, smiling at them as I placed the bouquet on the table. I waited a time, tapping my fingers on my desk and then began to write once more, this time a letter. For this was the only thing that could make me still and would make anything in the world make sense to me at once.
Chapter 16
The next morning, when I woke, it was with a hollowness inside of me. All at once, I knew that something wasn’t quite right. Getting up, I dressed for the day and headed down to the kitchen to make a morning cup of coffee. Something felt wrong and as I set about my morning activities. I could not place it.
Hank, seeming to sense something was wrong, rubbed his head against my leg as I sat at the table, staring into the coffee mug in front of me.
Ashling arrived not much later, coming in through the door looking tired with a bag of his things under his arms and placing them down in the foyer.
“What is all this?” I asked him as I walked into the room at the sound of him and looked at all the things he had brought with him.
“They’ve kicked me out of the apartment, and have you read the paper today? An all fae neighbourhood in Keaton was set ablaze overnight with everyone inside. No help was sent to them either.” He said as I led him into the sitting room.
“I’d not heard of that yet, perhaps we should really think of booking passage out of Kosh.” I said as we sat down on the couch, and I held him close.
“I think we should,” said Ashling, resting his head against my shoulder.
“There is a passage for the next threshmay, I loth to leave while grandfather is ill, but I’ve given up on seeing him again before he passes.”
“You’ll be alright, I’ll keep us safe as best I can.”
“I know, it's not that. I feel a duty to stay, there is all the work to be done still, the manor and the tithings to the crown must be dealt with. But I also fear if we do not get out soon, we will be unable to in the end.”
“What duty do you have to a queen who will not protect us?”
“I know, I fear I just had a bad night. I woke up with all this fear gripping me and am not sure what is the matter.”
A knock came at the door then, and Hank hissed and hid under the couch as the rapped knock, knock, knock filled my chest with such dread, and we looked at one another with a bit of anxiety.
“I better answer that,” I said. He nodded and we got to our feet, going to the door, my face went white as a sheet as I saw a flyer dressed all in black with mourning ribbons around him.
“For Lord Dandi Hart the Second?” said the flyer and I tapped my pockets. My heart sank, and broke apart, knowing this time without a doubt. I knew it in my heart and soul he was gone, hadn’t I felt it all mourning as I prepared for the day? Hadn’t I known this was coming even then?
“I’m afraid I don’t have my coin purse on me.” I said, receiving the letter.
“It is alright, I am sorry for your loss,” said the flyer with a grave face.
“Thank you.” I nodded, and they took off.
I closed the door and looked down at the somber sight of the black envelope with the black wax seal that held my grandfather's crest on it. My heart split into a thousand pieces. I swallowed back a lump in my throat, my eyes began to swim, and I blinked away the burning tears, set on knowing for sure. I did not open the letter at first.
“Is it?”
“Yes, he’s died.” I said simply as I went to sit on the couch and feeling that hollow wailing void inside me and closed my eyes. Ashling sat beside me, holding my hand and I felt as if I could feel the world turning around me and it was all wrong. All so wrong that life continued on and yet he was gone. I opened the letter then, my eyes closed and feeling my heart thump in my chest, wondering how it could beat when it felt like I would die.
Jin 24, 918
Dear Dandi Hart The Second,
It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter. Your Grandfather, Dandi Hart the first, died on Jin 24th at 7:43 am at Churchill Manor. Please come at once to Hart Hall, as there is much to discuss.
It is my understanding that Lady Churchill has already taken it upon herself to set up a funeral for the 25th of Jin at Hart Hall. On this date after the funeral rites, the family will be meeting in the study for a reading of the will.
Please come at once, I have much to discuss with you, in regards to the details of the will.
Your Humble Servant,
Sir Andrew Coffin the 3rd
I stared blankly at the paper in my hand. My grandfather was dead, and the person who had written to tell me was in his employ, not a family member but a Servant. I swallowed and my throat was dry, my eyes burned, and my chest constricted.
I staggered to my feet, unsure of where to go, but knowing I had to move. What I can say about what happened next is this. I had done many things with Ashling, we had gone for lunch and picnics, we had gone to the country and the theatre. I had promised my love to him. We had stayed up late at night drinking. We had kissed and burned.
He had needed me in his most fragile moments, and I had been there for him, now I needed him and there was no doubt inside me that he would be there for me.
Ashling held me there as tears began to stream down my face. I burst into sobbing in his soothing voice filled me with a soft reassurance.
“It’s all right, shhh, shhh, it's all right darling.”
“My grandfather is dead,” is all I could say through a choked voice and it's was as if I couldn't breathe all over again.
"I'm sorry, I know how important he was to you." At these words a new wave of tears flooded my vision, and I crumpled. But then Ashling was there to hold me and sooth my tears.
I whimpered into his shoulder, “I can't believe he is gone, and I never got to say goodbye."
My body shook as the tears overwhelmed me and I curled into him. He held me for a long moment. He smelled of sweet soap and a tinge of his natural smoky smell. He held me tenderly in his arms and stroked my hair. We sat there in one another’s embrace until I cleared my throat and moved back from him.
"And when is the funeral?" Asked Ashling as we sat down across from one another.
"Tomorrow, but before that I have to meet with Mr. Andrew Coffin the 3rd. It would seem he is the executor of my grandfather's estate."
"You're going to the funeral then?"
"I have to. Can we leave after the bereavement period perhaps?”
“Yes, of course,” he said and kissed my forehead. There was no question of whether he would join me or not, the answer was simple. I did not want to be away from him and now was not the time to be apart, with things so unsure in the world.
As we packed to leave for Hart Hall, I gathered my linen before looking at the suit I had worn to the queen’s funeral. Her death had changed the country, and the new queen had not yet been crowned. I worried what her laws might do, but, regardless, the council was at odds.
It fit like a glove, I wasn’t sure if I had gained muscle since starting the Testonamapal, how long had it been since I had started that, only a few months? Or was it simply my imagination but I felt more muscular now.
“There, you look fine,” he said, clapping me on the shoulder and then smiling as he felt my arm muscles, definitely not my imagination.
“Fine as in a high quality, or fine as in becoming thread-bear thin?” I asked him, feeling as if I was a threaded bear from the exhaustion of the weeks.
“You are being pedantic,” he said and smiled at me, not unkindly.
“I am a writer.” I said, as if this explained everything.
“Our carriage will arrive soon, and you can buy new suits if you need more than just the one, yes.”
“I suppose,” I said then looked at Hank lazing on the couch on his back. He moved his head to look directly at us.
Meow he said, and I replied, “Yes, you’ll have to come with us.”
Meow he said back, as if disagreeing. But it was too late now for him to change his mind. Or me to change mine.
Our bags full, I set to deciding how best to wrangle this cat. I decided to approach him very delicately and rub his stomach. He began to bite and claw at my wrist, and I picked him up in my arms.
“You’re coming with me mister,” I said.
“Darling, grab my bags,” I asked as I looked out the window to spy if the carriage had arrived.
“I would have much rather taken my automobile, it would have been much faster,” I told him, Ashling grimaced.
“And I would much rather live,” said Ashling. I rolled my eyes. What was the point of the thing if it just sat there and never got used?
When the carriage arrived, we packed the bags into the truck. Hank did not like the carriage but soon found a soft spot in the midday sun that came in through a window as the carriage rolled along. The last thing we did before we left we stopped by to see Liz after Hank had been hurriedly pinned into a carriage box angrily and my clothing packed tightly in an overnight bag. When we arrived on her doorstep, she looked between us and then asked, “what do I owe the pleasure this morning?”
I told her the whole of it, as much as I could without breaking into tears again, and she hugged me and gave her sympathy, holding my hands in her own.
Before we left, Liz told me, “Be safe, I know things are difficult with your family, but they are still your family.”
“You don’t understand Liz. It’s okay though, I’ll have Ashling with me.”
