Your Name Here, page 19
The Lucky Song was tinkling away in the room.
But in that case, Gab said suddenly, why don’t you have one of these disenablers yourself?
I’m on a limited budget, I protested. I have to count every penny. I can’t believe you’ve never come across one before.
The Lucky Song tinkled to a close.
We climbed back through the window.
Is that your post? said Gaby.
Yeah I really need to throw it away, I said.
Haven’t you even opened it?
She crossed the room to the pile of envelopes by the door.
But Eph, said Gaby. You won a free trip to Florida. You should send this in. And look at this, you won a free car. You should claim these. You’re exactly the type of person they’re for.
Have you ever tried claiming one? I asked.
No, not really, said Gab. The thing is, Eph, I know I’m quite lucky, it doesn’t seem right to take up a prize that would really mean a lot to some people.
I had already surmised that Gaby came from a pretty lucky background. She probably came from the type of background where they retain a highly qualified prizeclaimer just to expedite the process. There would be no point in hiring a prizeclaimer to process a claim for a trip to Florida, because the value of the prize would be eaten up in costs, but there are people who win at a level where it actually pays to process the claim.
I was about to probe delicately on the subject of prizeclaimers but it occurred to me that it was probably against the Rules and I did not want to push my luck.
12 APRIL 2001 1939 PERSEVERANCE
Congratulations!
I thought: Not in our stars but in ourselves.
Gaby was gathering up all the envelopes on the floor.
Look, Eph, she said. I realise what you’ve been through. If you haven’t won anything for a while I guess it’s easy to be defeatist. But the thing you’ve got to remember is, you have just as good a chance as anybody else.
But, I said.
No, not but, said Gaby. It’s true. But if you don’t enter you can’t win and if you’re not even going to process your claims for things you’ve actually won you’re not taking advantage of the luck you actually have. Now I’m going to send in your forms for every single one of these prizes. You don’t have to do a thing.
She put the envelopes in a pile on the table, pulled up the single chair, and opened an envelope for two free weeks in a condo in Burma with free camera if returned in seven days.
Look at this, for example, said Gaby. Two free weeks in a condo in Burma. And you’re getting it back to them within seven days, so you’ll get a free camera. Plus a surprise mystery gift.
She took out the instruction leaflet, the application booklet and four pages of stamps and began to work her way through the application.
I thought: The main thing is, she’s here.
Which would you rather have? said Gaby. £300,000 in a lump sum or £10,000 a year for life?
I don’t mind, I said.
Come on, said Gaby. You must have a preference.
£300,000, I said.
Gaby tore off a stamp and stuck it to the first page of the application booklet.
Which would you rather have? A CD player or a VCR?
CD player.
Are you sure? said Gaby. The VCR is probably worth more.
OK, I’ll take the VCR.
You don’t have to have the VCR if you don’t want it, said Gaby. If you’d actually rather have the CD player, I’ll put the CD player.
OK, the CD player, I said.
Are you sure? said Gab.
Yes, I said. Definitely. My mind is made up. The CD player it is.
She tore off another stamp and stuck it in the booklet.
Which would you rather have? A four-slice toaster, a graphics calculator, or an electronic address book?
Toaster, I said firmly, in a tone of voice meant to discourage a review of the rival merits of the calculator and address book.
Gaby pasted another stamp in the booklet.
Which would you rather have? she said.
The speaker over the lottomonitor crackled.
Hello!
I had never thought it would be possible to welcome the lucky hello. For once, however, the black despair more commonly associated with the broadcast was displaced by heartfelt relief.
Fancy another fag? I said.
Gaby frowned. No, Eph, I think we should finish this. If we don’t do it now it will never get done.
You know, you’re really a very lucky person.
But, I protested.
Now which would you rather have, a pocket torch, a Swiss Army knife or a set of paintbrushes?
You’re lucky because you’re special.
Look, I’ll tell you what, Gab, I said. If you think about it, the important thing is not whether you claim this prize or that prize. The important thing is to make the claim. So why don’t you pick for me?
I could do that, said Gaby, glancing at the mountain of envelopes. And that way when it comes it will be a surprise.
It certainly will, I agreed.
You’re one of a kind.
I’ll put you down for the Swiss Army knife, said Gab, detaching a stamp.
When you think about it, that’s the biggest piece of luck you could ask for. You’re you.
Sometimes it’s easy to lose track of what’s important amongst all the prizes. It’s easy to feel we’re not winning as much as we’d like to. It’s easy to feel that all the prizes are going to others. That’s why it’s important to remember that you’ve already won the biggest prize of all. You’re you.
I walked over to the window and looked out. I felt that it would be the height of bad manners to leave the room. Behind me, Gaby struggled through her first attempt at commercial prizeclaiming. I thrust my hands in my pockets, gazing thoughtfully at the backs of the terrace opposite.
It’s important to feel good about the luck we have. And it’s also important to make other people feel good about the luck they have. Because the most important part of luck is feeling good about it. That’s why it’s bad luck to feel bad about your luck. And it’s bad luck to make other people feel bad about their luck.
About half of the fire escapes were occupied. Most of the other windows were dark. I could see one empty fire escape with a lighted room behind it; a woman in a wheelchair was knitting by the window and looking out.
If someone you know wins a prize, make them feel good about it!
Some of the fire escapes were bare and unfurnished, most had a couple of chairs. One had an awning and wrought iron garden furniture and a potted lemon tree, the type of flagrant breach of safety regulations which provokes irate letters to the Telegraph. ‘Am I alone in supposing that the purpose of a fire escape is to provide an alternative exit from a burning building? I had always imagined that it was intended as a safety feature, not an add-on fire hazard. The obstacle course of potted plants, home entertainment centres, refrigerators, bean bags, futons and other paraphernalia which confronts attempted flight from incineration by this route suggests to me that I may have been labouring under a serious misapprehension. Disgusted in Epping.’
There. That’s one taken care of, said Gaby.
None of us wants to feel bad about it if we happen to have the good luck to win a prize. We don’t want to feel bad about all the people who haven’t won it.
Some people were leaning on the railings, looking down into the gardens. Here and there people were smoking. Further up the street a group of ten or so had spread out over the steps above and below a second-floor landing.
And there’s really no need to feel bad, because there are lots of prizes for everyone. Remember, if you do win a prize, that doesn’t mean somebody else couldn’t have won it. And if you don’t win a prize, the thing to remember is, it could have been you. So make the winner feel good about it! Good luck to them!
There were more people outside than there had been the last time. There was a spirit of camaraderie in the air, people shouting jokes and obscenities back and forth in humorous indignation at the double hello. Here and there people just stood silently waiting for it to be over.
All of us are lucky at different times, in different ways. It’s important to remember that, no matter what we win, or don’t win. If someone else wins a prize, it’s important to remember all the prizes we did win.
Here’s one for a free Vauxhall Cavalier, said Gaby. I’ll do that one next, Eph, because it’s more practical, and I’ll do the one for the Lamborghini a bit later if that’s all right with you. You know, some of these prizes are really brilliant, I wouldn’t mind winning some of these myself.
Remember, each of us is special in our own special way. Which means that you’re a very lucky person, not because of what you win, but because of who you are. You’re a very special person. You’re you.
I thought: I’ve just got to start winning again. I’ve got to.
Gaby had overcome the initial prejudice against losers that was natural to a girl from a seriously lucky background, but there was no telling how long this would last. Or rather, something told me her patience had already worn thin.
I’m lucky to be so special
There’s nobody just like me
So every day in every way
I’m a lucky person to be
I know I’m really lucky
And the reason is plain to see
I could have been somebody else
So I’m lucky just to be me.
There were scattered cheers and jeers across the gardens, and people began to make their way inside.
That’s two taken care of, said Gaby. Honestly Eph, I don’t know why you make such a fuss about it, it’s just a matter of making the effort.
9
Diva
«… De Laurentiis vorrebbe Paul Newman nel ruolo del protagonista. Ora, certo, Paul Newman è un grande attore, una star, ma è troppo importante. A me serve una faccia qualsiasi.» «Benissimo, pronto, la faccia qualsiasi sono io.» Io mi sentii affatto humiliato. «Ma sì, perché il personaggio è una specie di farfallone. Non deve avere la personalità di Paul Newman.» «Va benissimo,» risposi.
“… De Laurentiis would like Paul Newman in the main role. Now sure, Paul Newman is a great actor, a star, but he’s too important. I need an ordinary face.” “Fine, OK, the ordinary face, that’s me.” In fact I felt humiliated. “But yes, because the character is a kind of butterfly. He shouldn’t have the personality of Paul Newman.” “Fine,” I replied.
I Remember, Yes I Remember, Marcello Mastroianni
COOGAN DOESN’T GET IT
You’re up to page 291 of Your Name Here, the new novel by Helen DeWitt. What’s going on? Where is this going? What is your character supposed to be doing? What is the book actually about?
The relationship between your character and Rachel Zozanian seems tenuous. Is this going to be fleshed out?
It’s 4 September 2006. In October last year DeWitt offered you £1000 for any e-mails you had from your time as a tabloidista. You were skint but suspicious. “Just what do you want to do with the material, anyway?” you asked, and got an evasive reply. You sent a few pages on chasing Britney through Germany. Months later, when Your Name Here was months overdue, you sent DeWitt your e-mail exchange with “Amanda.” You have it in writing that you get half of any money the book brings in; six-figure sums have been mentioned; but is this someone you can trust?
You’ve just been kicked out of Tel Aviv for having too many Arab stamps in your passport. You wanted to work in Ramallah on the Palestine Monitor; you’d spent weeks researching the Oslo Accords, the Camp David Agreement, the Six-Day War; instead you were interrogated for twenty hours at the airport, thrown in jail for a week and shipped out to Munich. Now you’re adjusting to the change of plan in Sarajevo. Meanwhile Your Name Here has been started from scratch for the sixth time in as many months. There’s nothing in Your Name Here about Bernard Lewis’s Political Language of Islam, which you borrowed, covered with notes and politely returned, dog-eared and pre-loved; you’ve been lobbying for months to have something about this in YNH, which you think would be more interesting than just the alphabet, and it’s still not there.2 You suggested months ago that YNH could include the 100 most common words in Arabic, something that would be useful to journalists, and it’s still not there.3
You’re tired of playing the clown. You wanted a job where you could cover real stories. Now you’re in Sarajevo, you can see the infamous Holiday Inn they sniped at, carelessly civilian, home to journalists and aid workers, everyone in scope is the sniper’s enemy … Now kids go up the mountains to go snowboarding, you came halfway across the world to find surfer Kultur in the Balkans.
Suddenly you have a brilliant idea!
Unlike the other characters, you’re not only getting paid, you have direct access to the author. You can change the course of the book.
From: “Ilya Gridneff”
To: Helen.DeWitt@gmx.net
Subject: YNH
Date: Sat 16 Sep 2006 10:04:59 +0000
Dewitt
Yes. Well, on other thoughts I was thinking again. This is flittery, perhaps i could finish your name here? If you are fed up and have to move on to other matters then perhaps ilya/alyosha could arrive in Berlin, maybe there is a struggle-dispute-dramatix device and i take Baby to fill in the holes. This seems in the original adaption spirit. or Rachel kills herself and my task to receive all the funds from the successes of Lotteryland, rely one me finishing the YNH book she has secretly been working on (perhaps this is a shock to ilya/alyosha leading to dispute- vampire exorcism) on the same lines of Richard Pryor Gene Wilder film “Brewsters Millions”...of course maintaining the style where it fits but like adding my paint to the canvas, gluing things together tying up the necessaries.... though i see the massive responsibility and problematics with taking on something, going a particular way and adding my steering to the vessel??!... They call me ishmael/alyosha, do they?... well just passing thoughts on the Saturday afternoon.
Also, Anais, henry will need you to pop into Western Union at some point of your violation.
das vedanya
ilya
From: Helen.DeWitt@gmx.net
To: “Ilya Gridneff”
Subject: YNH
Date: Sun 17 Sep 2006 14:46:15 -0100
everything is under control, should be finished in a couple of days. do you think alyosha popovitch pechorin works as a name for your character?
From: “Ilya Gridneff”
To: Helen.DeWitt@gmx.net
Subject: Der neue Doppel-null
Date: Sun 17 Sep 2006 19:19:54 +0000
dewitt
yes. Found this online, maybe some ideas for the double o superzero
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superfluous_man
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Superfluous man
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The Superfluous Man is a 19th Century Russian literary concept. It relates to an individual, possibly of talent and capability, who does not fit into the state-centered pattern of employment. The consequence may be a man who apparently is lazy and ineffectual.
It was popularized in the books of Ivan Turgenev and books like Ivan Goncharov’s Oblomov and Dostoevsky’s Notes from Underground. Other, earlier examples of the superfluous man in Russian literature include Alexandr Griboyedov’s character Chatsky in the play “Woe from Wit,” and the titular character in Alexandr Pushkin’s novel in verse Eugene Onegin. Albert Jay Nock later titled his autobiography, Memoirs of a Superfluous Man. Yet, this concept is not to be confused with the idea of the superfluous hero, whose world weariness leads to ennui. This character type originates out of Lord Byron’s Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage, which inspired Pushkin to write his great novel in poetry Eugene Onegin.
From: Helen.DeWitt@gmx.net
To: “Ilya Gridneff”
Subject: lishny chelovek
Date: Sun 17 Sep 2006 23:11:24 +0000
ilya
this is great, but there’s one slight problem. Oblomov is an ineffectual aristocrat who spends the first 150 pages of the book in bed. Tchulkaturin, protagonist of Turgenev’s Diary of a Superfluous Man, is an ineffectual aristocrat who is silent, tongue-tied, paralysed by the simplest social occasion. so, um, surely rachel is the superfluous man in this book?
helen
From: “Ilya Gridneff”
To: Helen.DeWitt@gmx.net
Subject: RE: lishny chelovek
Date: Mon 18 Sep 2006 11:37:02 +0000
Vielleicht, Alexandr Andreyevich Chatsky, the Russian HAMlet?
2. kafir: “… from the time of the Prophet to the present day, the ultimate definition of the Outsider has been the kafir, the unbeliever. 5
khawarij, those who go out …
Supreme sovereign power is at the center. The nearer to the center, the greater the power; the further from the center, the less the power … Changes in power relationships are indicated by the same metaphors. In Western language contenders for power may rise or fall … Ambitious Muslims move inward rather than upward; rebellious Muslims secede from, rather than rise against, the existing order. The earlier—indeed the paradigmatic—movement of rebellion against the existing order was that of the Khawarij, “those who go out.” 13
Baghdad Iraq
Movement inward may be beset with difficulties and obstructed by chamberlains and other barriers; but it is incomparably easier than movement upward through the well-defended layers of a stratified society. In this as much else, Muslim political language reflects the idea of social mobility. The Arab historians tell us that when the caliph al-Mansur, the architect of the Abbasid Empire, built his new capital in Baghdad in A.D. 758, “he traced the city plan, making the city round." [al-Ya’qUbI, KitAb albuldAn, 2d ed. ed. M.J. de Goeje, Leiden 1892, p. 238. See also K.A.C. Creswell, A Short History of Early Muslim Architecture, London, 1958, 170-73.] His reason for this, according to the chroniclers, was that “a circular city has advantages over a square city, in that if the monarch were to be in the center of the square city, some parts would be closer to him than others, while, regardless of the divisions, the sections of the Round City are equidistant from him when he is in the center.” [al-KhaTIb al-BaghdAdI, TarIkh BaghdAd (Cairo 1931, English translation in Jacob Lassner, Topography of Baghdad in the Early Middle Ages, Detroit, 1970, p. 52) Nearness is what counts, and justice requires equidistance, at least as a starting point.
