Howl (Southern Werewolves Book 2), page 17
“You mean with Abraham.”
“Yeah, mostly.” But it was also true at work. No matter where I was, I couldn’t relax because I had people hoping and waiting for me to fail.
“So, I’m guessing Peyton got to you tonight.”
I laughed humorlessly. “Yeah, you could say that.”
He was quiet for a while before he spoke again, and I almost wished he hadn’t. “You know it’s always gonna be like this. He’s always gonna have to put the pack first. That won’t change no matter how important you are to him.”
And that, right there, was the basis of all my deepest fears. That nothing would change. That I’d always be fighting for my spot next to him. And at this point, I wasn’t sure I was up for the challenge.
We spent the rest of the ride in silence. Which was good because I was done talking. I felt like I’d already said too much, been told too much, and had too much to deal with as it was.
Calvin pulled to a stop by the garage doors and I unbuckled my seat belt.
“Thanks for the ride.”
He smiled, the chip in his tooth on display. “Anytime, Elizabeth. I’m glad I could be there for you.”
He seemed a little too happy for someone who’d had their night cut short, but I was too tired to question it. I was just thankful to be away from Peyton and Abraham. If I had to watch her touch him with her slimy hands one more time, I would have lost it in there. I know I would have.
My phone vibrated again for the fifth time since we’d left the venue and just like all the other times, I ignored it.
I opened the door and slid from the seat before turning back around to Calvin. “Thanks again.”
His smile lit up his whole face. “No problem.”
I gave him a half-hearted smile of my own before closing his door and making my way toward the lodge. Trudging up the stairs on autopilot, I walked right past my old bedroom door and straight to Abraham’s. Once inside, I realized my mistake.
I didn’t want to be in his room right now. Didn’t want to smell his addicting scent everywhere, didn’t want to be in here when he came home.
I could feel that altercation brewing like a storm in the distance and I was already tired.
“Charlie,” I cooed. “Where are you, Bubba?”
My black and brown tabby peeked his head out of one of the hidey holes in his cat tree, his green eyes reflecting the light.
“There you are! Are you likin’ your new place?” I asked as I walked over to scratch his head.
He purred loudly, and I picked him up, cradling him against my chest. I buried my nose in his soft fur and took deep calming breaths. Charlie had been a constant source of comfort for me. A friend when I had none, a companion when I’d been so alone.
Like now.
I looked around Abraham’s bedroom and my heart ached at his absence. Right now, the argument at the concert venue seemed so silly. Why hadn’t I let him explain? Why had I run when I should have stayed and fought?
I sighed and walked toward his bedroom door, ready to be out of his space and in my own for a little while. Not that my temporary bedroom really felt like my space, but it was the closest I’d get out here and I was desperately craving it.
When we’d made it to the bedroom door, Charlie began to squirm in my arms. I reluctantly set him down and he made a beeline for his cat castle.
“Charlie, don’t you want to come with me?” I asked him as he climbed to the top of the structure and sat there staring at me. I held out my arms, but he just blinked his big eyes. “Fine. Stay here,” I told him, the petulance clear in my voice.
I left Abraham’s room and stomped next door to mine, Charlie’s betrayal still stinging.
My phone buzzed again, and I removed it from my pocket to find a text message from Abraham.
Sexiest Man Alive: I’m on my way home. Don’t go anywhere.
Well, shit. That was ominous.
Deciding to ignore this text like the rest of them, I quickly stripped out of the ridiculous dress Evey had stuffed me into. Once I’d scrubbed the makeup off my face, I stepped into the shower and took my time, hoping the hot water would somehow wash away all the mistakes I’d made tonight.
I finished up in the shower and dressed in my comfiest pair of sweatpants and a tank top. Just as I was towel-drying my hair, I heard the door downstairs slam open and someone stomp in.
I gulped as I listened to the angry steps ascend the stairs and walk right past the room I was in. Another two doors slammed open one right after the other before I heard a low growl. The heavy steps stormed out of the room next door and my door whipped open to reveal a very angry and surprisingly out of breath Abraham.
“What the fuck, El?” he asked.
Suddenly the tiredness I’d felt to my bones transformed into irritation. I hopped off the bed and stood to face him. “I could say the same to you.”
He took a deep breath. “Why did you leave? Why did you run off again? I thought we talked about you not doing that anymore.”
We had.
And I hadn’t meant to run off.
All I’d wanted was some fresh air, but when Calvin presented me with the opportunity to escape, I’d gladly taken it.
“Calvin offered to drive me home. I wasn’t alone.”
He shook his head. “Why did you leave? I thought things were fine.”
I stood up straighter and placed my fisted hands on my hips. “I saw you with her, Abraham. You were holding her. Did you think I wouldn’t see? That you could get away with it in a crowd like that?”
Did I even mean the words I was saying?
“What are you talking about? Saw me with who?”
“Peyton, obviously!”
He sighed and ran a hand down his face. “I thought we talked about this.”
“We did! And I told you I don’t like her. That I don’t want her near you, that I don’t want her hands on you, and that I sure as shit don’t want your hands on her!”
“What are you talking about?” he repeated. “When were my hands on her?”
“Really, Abraham? What, you just touch so many girls you’re losing track of them now?”
I didn’t even know if my words were making any sense at this point. The anger was building and building in my system and my body was shaking with its force.
I looked up to find Abraham with a stricken look on his face. He looked like I’d hit him, and my chest constricted with guilt.
“El, Peyton was just asking me for a reference since she has to look for a new job. It was nothing.”
“Did she have to hug you to ask you?”
He let out a deep breath. “She wasn’t hugging me, El.”
I ignored him. “And did you have to hold her to listen?”
He sighed again. “I wasn’t holding her.”
“Then why were you embracing!” I yelled. It seemed the more defeated he became, the angrier it made me. I wanted him to fight with me. To yell and scream and feel as out of control as I did.
He took a step closer, and I stumbled backward. The devastation on his face was almost my undoing. “El, we’re werewolves. Haven’t you noticed we touch a lot?”
Now that he mentioned it, I had. It seemed like he always had his hands or lips on me. And even his sisters usually had an arm around my shoulders or their elbow linked with mine.
But, still.
“It’s different with her, Abraham. She’s all over you because she wants you, not because she’s a werewolf and she can’t help her roaming hands. I don’t like it and I’ve told you this repeatedly. Instead of honoring my wishes, you continue to let her touch you like that.”
He stood there staring at me for a long time, his blue eyes full of so many emotions I couldn’t name them all. Finally, he sighed and ran a hand through his thick, dark hair.
“I don’t know what to tell you, El. I’m sorry you saw something that hurt you like this, but it was innocent. I don’t want Peyton. Nothing has happened between us and nothing ever will. Why can’t you believe that?”
And that was the crux of it, wasn’t it?
Why couldn’t I believe him? Trust him. Why couldn’t I accept what he was telling me? Why did I have to keep accusing him? Pushing him away from me?
I wanted to hear him. To let his words soothe the ache deep inside me. To step into his arms and let him hold me until this stupid night faded into the distance.
But, it felt like I’d already gone too far. That there were too many bad feelings between us to be erased by a simple hug.
I needed space. I needed time to think.
Away from him.
“I don’t know, Abraham. I just get a bad feeling whenever she’s around you. It feels like I always have to watch my back because she’s waiting for me to slip up, so you can be hers. I don’t like feeling like that. I don’t want to have to fight for your affection.”
He took a big step closer to me. “There’s no competition, El. You’re it for me. No one else even comes close.”
His words were like a bandage on a broken bone. It felt good for now, but it wouldn’t solve the problem. I didn’t know what could at this point.
I sighed and shook my head. “I need some time.”
He gulped loudly. “What do you mean you need some time?”
I looked away from him. “I need some space to think. Away from you.” The words burned on their way out, but I left them there.
He was quiet for so long, but I couldn’t bring myself to look in his eyes again. “Away from me? So, you’re leaving?”
I sighed again. “Just give me a night, Abraham. We can talk in the morning.”
He was so quiet and still, but I could feel the tension radiating off his body from where I stood. He wasn’t happy, and I couldn’t blame him.
“So, what? You’re gonna sleep in here tonight? You think that’ll fix things?”
I shrugged. “I just need some breathing room.” I instantly regretted the words.
“From me? You need breathing room from me?”
“Abraham, please.”
His voice was rough when he finally spoke again. “Fine. Goodnight, Elizabeth.”
I stood there staring at the ground as he spun around and left the room, closing the door softly behind him.
I almost wish he would have slammed it.
I walked back over to the bed on shaky legs and crawled under the covers. The lights were still on, but I couldn’t be bothered to turn them off.
I felt awful. Like I’d just spent a month away from Abraham. My chest hurt, my heart thumped pitifully, and my stomach churned as I went over the details of the night.
I might have overreacted.
I could admit now that I should have given Abraham the benefit of the doubt and let him explain himself.
The real problem here was Peyton.
If it had been anyone else, things wouldn’t have gone like this. Even if it had been another woman I’d found him holding, I wouldn’t have reacted like I had.
And had he really been holding her?
Looking back, I had to admit, that all I’d seen was him touching her arm. He could have just been bringing her closer, so he could be heard over the noisy room. It might not have been as bad as I’d made it out to be.
I rolled over in the fluffy bed with a huff.
Tonight, had been a mess, and it all boiled down to me. I could barely control myself and what little restraint I had always sailed right out the window the second I saw Peyton.
What was it about her that got to me so badly? Although my past boyfriends had been few and far between, I couldn’t ever remember acting so jealous. So possessive and crazy.
Was it because it was Peyton? Someone I knew was gunning for my spot next to Abraham. Someone who had known him for far longer than I have. Someone with a past with him I’d never be able to touch.
Or was it Abraham that was making me crazy? I’d never felt this strongly about another person before in my life. It was like I couldn’t breathe when he wasn’t around. Like he was my oxygen. Like I needed him to survive.
Maybe it was a mixture of the two. My deep dislike for someone who wanted to be in my position and my deeper feelings for a man I couldn’t live without.
What was I doing?
I had so little time with Abraham, and here I was, sulking in a separate bedroom.
Why was I pushing him away?
Why was I trying to ruin the first real and good thing in my life?
I didn’t know the answer to any of those questions, but after the past couple of hours of tossing and turning, I knew I needed to fix it.
Chapter 22
I stood in the hallway outside Abraham’s suite with indecision swirling through me. I wanted nothing more than to run straight into his arms, but there was the little problem of my pride to deal with.
I didn’t like being wrong. I liked admitting it even less.
But, for Abraham, I’d set aside my ego and do the right thing. The only thing I could do.
I took the last remaining steps toward his suite door and let myself in. Quietly, I padded across the hardwood floor until I was outside his bedroom. I knew he’d probably heard me by now, so there was no point in wasting anymore time out here.
I slowly turned his doorknob and let myself into his dim room.
The moon was shining through his curtains, casting a glow across his bed. Abraham was sitting up against the headboard, his chest bare and his blue eyes trained on me.
My heart pounded with nerves as I made my way toward him.
What if he told me to go?
What if he’d decided he needed time too?
What if he didn’t want to see me right now?
What if he didn’t want to see me ever again?
I reached the side of his bed and stood there, one foot pressed to the top of the other and my eyes trained on the floor.
I wasn’t good at this kind of stuff. Wasn’t used to apologizing or begging for forgiveness or being so wrong. But I was, and for Abraham, I’d get over myself.
“El.” His voice was deep and raspy with sleep, sending a chill down my spine.
“Hey.”
The bedsheets rustled and when I took a peek, I found him holding the blankets in the air, the invitation to join him clear. I took a deep breath and crawled across the bed until I was lying beside him. He settled the blankets over the both of us and slid down, so we were face to face.
For a few long minutes, we simply laid like that, quiet and still, studying the other’s eyes. Finally, he spoke.
“What are you doing here?”
I stiffened instantly.
I’d been right.
He didn’t want me in here.
He didn’t want me near him.
He was probably sick of my manic behavior. Sick of having to protect me and pick up the pieces of everything I wrecked.
Sick of me.
I sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed but couldn’t quite bring myself to leave it. I wasn’t done fighting for him, despite how heavy my heart was.
“I wanted to apologize,” I whispered.
When he was quiet, I realized he was waiting for that apology. I cleared my throat and turned to him. “I should have let you explain. I shouldn’t have run off with Calvin. I’m sorry for worrying you and for leaving and for making you feel bad about your duties as an alpha. I wasn’t being fair, and you deserve better.”
Better than me.
Better than what I could give him.
Better than the way I’d been treating him.
Abraham was quiet for a long time. So long in fact that I figured he had nothing to say to me and swung my legs off the bed to leave. Before I could get away, Abraham wrapped an arm around my waist and dragged me across the bed. When I was firmly pressed against his chest, he spoke again.
“I deserve you. No matter what form you come in. No matter what you say or what you do, I deserve you.”
My heart thumped out an extra beat at his words. “I don’t think you do, Abraham. You deserve someone who’s not going to go crazy on you every other minute. Someone who can understand your job and what it entails. I’m none of those things.”
What was I saying?
Was I trying to convince him to break up with me?
The thought made my stomach hollow out. Left me feeling empty and alone at just the thought of it.
Abraham pulled me closer until I was underneath him and he was hovering above me. He leaned down and placed a sweet kiss on my forehead his lips lingering against my skin. I could feel the tension radiating from his muscles and prepared for the worst.
This was it.
He was finally smartening up. He’d realized he could do so much better than me and this was it for us.
I closed my eyes and braced for impact.
“El, look at me.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, I can’t watch you break up with me.”
His arm tightened around me. “Break up with you?”
I nodded pitifully. “I know it’s coming, so just get it over with.”
He huffed out a laugh, and I cracked an eye open. “I’m not breaking up with you. Quite the opposite, actually.”
I frowned.
What?
He took a deep breath and pulled me even closer. He lifted his big hand and cupped my face with so much tenderness, I couldn’t breathe. “El, this might not be the right time, you might not be ready to hear this, but I need you to know I love you. So damn much.”
I gasped. I couldn’t help myself. When it was clear that I had nothing else to contribute, he continued.
“I know you’re not ready to say it back, and that’s okay.”
Was it?
Was I?
What is happening?
“I just couldn’t go another day without you knowing. The words live on the tip of my tongue begging me to tell you how much I love you every second of every day.”
Was I dreaming? This couldn’t be real.
“You’re mine and I’m so irreversibly yours, El. There’s nothing that can change that.”
My breathing was labored, and I was pretty sure I was hyperventilating.
What do you say to that? How can you respond to such sweet words? What could I say that could possibly contend with what he’d told me?
