Shutout, page 15
“She immediately opened up—” He takes a dangerous step closer to me. “—thinking it was you. She reeked of booze, I’ve never seen her drunk before, and she sounded nervous. But the moment...the moment I called her ‘Bases,’ it all seemed to melt away.”
I begin to tread in his direction. “You son of a fucking—”
Gavin scowls at me like I did him. Like I made him take the con on fucking the girl I was in love with. He looks at me with all the resentment in the world, and I’m sure I match him.
I’ve never hated someone so much in my entire life. Never knew that, after everything we’ve been through, he would stab me in the back.
“I couldn’t pass it up,” Gavin conveys. “The opportunity to fuck you over after you decided to dip your dick into what was mine first.”
“You were done,” I growl. “You fucked up.”
“I would’ve won her back.”
I scoff. “She’s not stupid.”
“But she was nice,” he muses. “She began slowly talking to me.”
“You cornered her.”
“She wanted to talk to me. But was probably too scared that you’d throw a bitch fit.”
I take another step, my blood red-hot in my veins. “Get the fuck away from me or you’re going to be—”
“Go fuck yourself,” Gavin seethes. “You fucked up with her way before I did. You were a complete asshole, getting her in trouble at school and making her life a living hell.”
He had me there, but we turned into something more. Something we couldn’t and didn’t ignore, even though it took some time and me practically begging for her to give me a chance.
“Colson!” I look around Gavin to see Taylor running toward us.
Perfect timing.
Gavin peers over his shoulder then returns his attention back to me. “You fucking her best friend now?”
My elbow is already slingshot back to slam my fist into his head again when Taylor’s body blocks him.
“C’mon.” Her slender hand death grips my forearm.
I don’t move. I’m not done. Not until Gavin’s body is six feet under this concrete and I’m done pounding him into it.
“Why are you telling me this now,” I snap. “Shit happened ten years ago. Unless you’re still a sick fuck who still jacks off to it.”
Gavin looks at me without emotion. “Because word on the street is you let Sawyer walk away again. And I might be a stupid fuck but I was a young one with one hell of a fucking buzz on. Besides…I wanted to see your face when you realized you walked away for no reason the first time and threw everything away.”
Taylor tugs on me again. “It’s over now. We’re—“
I point my index finger at Gavin. “We’re not done.”
“I’m not,” Gavin retorts. “You are though. Especially when it comes to her.”
Another yank from Taylor and, reluctantly, I let her lead the way in the opposite direction as she links her arm with mine.
“You need some ice,” she voices softly. “And you can’t keep—
“I need Gavin Sheston to either die or get the fuck out of town.”
“Don’t worry about him right now. Let’s just—” I rip my arm out of her reach and twist to look at her.
“What did you need to tell me?”
Immediately, she adverts her eyes. “Well, I—”
“Is it Sawyer?” Hope, it starts brimming through my whole body. “Is she coming home?”
“Um...not sure yet.”
“Yet?” I snap. “Where is she?”
“I can’t—” I grip her arms, giving her a little shake.
“Taylor, I’m not fucking around. Enough is enough, where is she?”
“Colson, this isn’t going to be—can you let me go?” I do, taking a step back and raking my fingers through my longer-than-normal hair.
“I’m sorry...I’m just fucking going crazy over here,” I confess.
She nods. “I know, I’m sorry. I’m torn between her and you, she’s my best friend but you...I took your side today.”
“I thought you were always on my side?” I perk a brow. “Or was that some bullshit that you spilled to get me to believe you actually gave two fucks about—”
“Let me talk,” she seizes out as she crosses her arms. “I have been on your side, idiot, but I’ve kept certain things from you because she asked me to. But today, I’m betraying her trust, so let me talk or so help me I’ll swing on you next.”
I inhale and exhale a deep breath. “Okay.”
“I spoke with her yesterday, through text, she seemed fine, a little better than she was. We were talking about me coming to visit and I asked her to...talk to you.” She pauses and shifts her weight. “She doesn’t know how to talk to you anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you know with her dad and having to come back here to relive all the memories again, she—”
“Are you saying she’s never coming back?”
“Let. Me. Talk, Hayes.” I motion for her to hurry up because I’m about to stroke out in this heat and her reluctance to tell me whatever it is she came to meet me for. “You might want to sit down.”
I fix her with a glare. “I’ll stand.”
“Then get ready.”
“Taylor,” I gripe. “Hurry the fuck up, please.”
“She’s pregnant.”
I don’t remember too much about living in Michigan anymore, but it seems like a cakewalk compared to the busy streets of New York City.
No one watched where they were going, no apology was given if they slammed into your shoulder and made everything fall out of your purse. (I guess that’s what zippers are for.) I don’t know how Jake handles it, like at all.
The city never has any downtime, there are always people out hustling around to make it to their destination. I never ventured outside the six blocks from Jake’s apartment because I was scared I’d get lost.
However, Butterstick Bakery has the best donuts and pastries I’ve ever had in my life. So, every morning, I make the walk, soaking in some fresh air, and to avoid Jake’s complaining about me becoming a sexy hermit that barely left the couch.
Fridays are the busiest days for Butterstick Bakery for some reason, the line is almost out the door, but I have two other people in front of me, and I’ve already changed my order over a dozen times in my head.
The soft cries of a baby sounds somewhere, and I refuse to turn around. I just...can’t.
“I can’t wait until you and Skylar have children,” Dad beams at the dinner table. “Y’all ain’t any fun anymore.”
“What?!” I exclaim with a mouthful of mashed potatoes. “I’m fun!”
“You’re a shut-in,” Skylar mumbles.
I shoot her a nasty look before looking back down the table at Dad. “I’m fun. And I want at least four kids.”
“My goodness, four?” Mom chuckles. “That’s an army.”
“Four,” Dad repeats with a wide smile. “It’d be a baseball team.”
My lips tremble, the well-known burning hits the back of my eyes, and I fight to keep my grief at bay.
I’ve been handling it. Sleeping through the night but not wanting to do much of anything else. Going home is too much, I can’t walk into his office and sit in his leather chair. I can’t go home to Mom and Dad’s house and see all his things still sitting there.
And Colson, I mentally shake my head as I peer up at the menu again over the counter. I’m just another problem at this point. He already has a child, now he’s going to have another one.
But being here is like living in fairyland, where reality doesn’t meet my world so that I can wake up every day and not feel so miserable. My doctor appointment is scheduled for tomorrow to confirm my pregnancy, and if I am and make it through my first trimester, I’ll tell Colson.
No need in bringing it up if I lose the baby.
“You’re going to lose your spot in line if you don’t step up, Bases.”
A violent shiver slams into my body then freezes it at the deep octave of that voice.
There is no way he’s...here.
In New York.
In New York at one of the thousands of bakeries in the city.
I’m...losing...my...damn...mind.
I replay the comment again in my head. It sounds like him, my body is too screwed up, going haywire because normally I can feel him anywhere.
A hand softly brushes my arm with its fingertips, and my mouth gapes open as Colson Hayes rounds right in front of me.
No smirk.
No cocky smile.
Just his dark eyes gleaming at me with relief and sadness.
“Colson,” I mutter, squeezing the hem of my T-shirt.
A corner of his lips quirk. “Hey, Bases.”
“What are—how are you here?” He studies my face, his eyes glancing at every inch of it.
I can’t breathe, the bakery is extremely hot all of a sudden, and I need some air.
“I missed you.” He steps closer to me. “I missed you so fucking much.”
My chest is constricting heavy gulps of air as I just stare at him in disbelief but letting his words sink into my brain.
“I—how did you find me?” I clench my jaw, releasing a heavy exhale through my nose. “Taylor.”
“Now, don’t get mad,” he soothes. “I’ve only been harassing her since you’ve been gone.”
Slowly, I shake my head. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“We need to talk.”
“Um…” I look around to see that we’re not the main attraction like he and I normally are in Freemont. “I can’t.”
“You’re not working, Sawyer, and I already told you that we’re not done.” I pull my focus back to him.
“I just need some time.”
He perks a brow. “Three weeks isn’t enough?”
“Does it matter?” I snap. “You became an asshole when your dad died so why can’t I just hide in a hole?” He frowns, and I instantly regret the words that come out of my mouth. “I’m so sorry, it’s the—”
Hormones.
It’s the fucking hormones because I’m pregnant with your child.
“Can we go somewhere to talk after you get, whatever it is you plan on buying?”
I want to tell him I just lost my appetite because he’s standing right in front of me, and I wish we were in Freemont so that I could grab someone’s attention to possibly get me out of this upcoming conversation.
“We can just do it now,” I reply.
Stepping out of line, I make my way out of the bakery with Colson on my heels. He holds the door open for me and waits for me to slow down a tad so he can catch up.
He knows I’m unsettled, he appears no better, so I slow down and start making my way back toward Jake’s.
“Do you like New York City?” he asks me, stepping in line with me and shoving his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.
I shake my head. “No, too much going on.”
“You miss home?”
“No.” I could almost gag on the hush between us. The busyness of the city does nothing to fill in the awkwardness ** of us being in a foreign city after our difficult conversation before I left.
“Are you staying out here alone?” he asks.
Geezus.
“If you spoke with Taylor, you probably know the answer to that question,” I state.
I see him shake his head out of the corner of my eye as we dodge people walking toward us on the congested sidewalk.
“Can we stop walking?”
“I like to walk.”
“Bases,” he imparts, halting in his steps.
Might as well get this over with, girl.
“Taylor only told me two things, one was where you were staying.”
I tilt my head. “And the other?”
He draws in a long breath, holding my eyes as he does. “That you’re pregnant, baby.” A soft gasp gets by my lips, and I’m clenching my hands into fists.
I feel panicky, my palms start to sweat into my fingertips. Colson doesn’t look angry or upset, his composure is calm and steady.
“Are you?” he asks. “I need to hear you say it.”
My chin tucks into my chest. “Yes.”
“Yes, what?” He treads closer. “I need the whole thing confirmed. I don’t want to hear it from someone else for the first time. I want it to be you.”
I drag my view back to him. “You already heard it.”
“Anything you say is what matters, no one else.” I open my mouth, forcing the full sentence to plummet out but nothing wants to leave. “You’re scared I won’t want you and our baby. That since I already have a son that I’ve already chosen.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“I’d never abandon you, Bases. I’m in love with you, and you’re what matters to me. You and my son.”
“But Annabelle—”
“I broke up with her because there was no hiding it anymore. I was never going to move past you nor was I ever going to be able to live without you either.”
“Colson, this is all moving too fast, and it’s all new.”
He smirks. “I know. Just found out I was a father, and now, if you say it, I’ll be a dad again. So, are you pregnant with my child? Do we have a baby?”
“Yes,” I blurt. “I’m pregnant. And if you question it being yours—” He shakes his head.
“I’m not.”
We’re less than an arms’ length away, but he doesn’t reach out to touch me, just stands there towering over me.
“I’m not ready for...us,” I vouch. “I’m a little lost right now.”
“What changed? We were us before…” He trails off and adjusts his weight. “I don’t want Annabelle, I’ll do anything to show you that.”
“I’m jealous that she’s back. I’m resentful because you now share something with her, and it can’t be taken back. I’m hurt and furious that my dad is gone and I’ll never get him back. I can’t bring myself to go back to Freemont and face my mom and Skylar then have Annabelle gloating in my face about how you both...how you both have a child now.”
“I love that you care enough about me to feel that way, but I already told you.” He lowers his voice. “Come home, I’ll be there to support you with everything. And I heard about everything with...that night. With Gavin and—”
“Another reason why I don’t want to go back,” I break in. “There are too many bad memories. I hate Gavin, I have for years. He ruined us before we even stood a chance.”
“I know,” he replies. “But it’s over now and—”
“And you left,” I snap. “You didn’t let me explain. What happens if we fight again, are you going to up and leave me again?”
He scowls at me. “We’re not going to argue about this now. I was eighteen.”
“Then you left Annabelle.”
“Because you showed up.”
“Is your love so fickle, Hayes?”
“Stop,” he fumes. “You’re picking a fucking fight with me.”
“I’m making sure you don’t destroy my life again because you already did it once.”
He points a finger at me. “You were the one who couldn’t tell me from Gavin in the dark. I’m not entirely at fault here.”
I lift my chin. “Have a safe trip back home.” I turn to leave, but his hand grips my forearm.
“I know you’re scared because your dad was the sane person in your family, but I’m not letting this shit go. I’m not letting you go, Bases.”
“Let me go,” I seethe. “Because until I’m at your side in Freemont, Oklahoma, we’re not a thing.”
“What about the baby?” I choke on my next words because they’re wrong, and I don’t want it—an abortion.
I’m terrified to raise a baby in this world that’s so fucking cruel to take away someone I loved with every ounce of my being. To put a child into the predicament that I’m in, to suffer the way I’m trying to ignore. I’m in so much mental pain that I can’t bear the thought of my child living through this.
I can’t bear the thought of Colson getting tired of me one day and leaving me and our child behind.
And I can’t bear the idea of us never being a family because Annabelle will fuck it up.
She kissed him because she is either still in love with him or she knew I was in the house.
I’m going with option A.
Women were petty and vicious when it came to getting what they wanted. And I had no doubt in my mind that she’d go through lengths to make sure she got what she wanted when it came to her and Colson.
“Let’s see if I make it through the first trimester and then we’ll talk.”
“Sawyer,” he stresses. “I’m not going to keep playing this waiting game with you.”
“Then leave,” I deadpan.
He locks his jaw. “I’m not leaving you behind either. Deal with it.”
“Nice job!” Ben exclaims, clapping his hands then blowing his fucking whistle in my ear. I’d yell, yank the whistle off his neck, but I’m too exhausted to even get mad. I’m beyond the point of any emotion other than hopeless while my mind never shuts off.
I haven’t slept in days because I can’t get Sawyer out of my head and the way she looked at me with such defiance in her eyes while telling me she wasn’t coming home yet.
To me.
Where she fucking belongs and always has.
I can’t make her see reason when she’s had so much happen to her in such a short amount of time. I’m understanding more and more that her father was everything to her like mine was to me. But I’m trying my best here, I just don’t know what else I could possibly do to make her come back to me.
Meanwhile, Annabelle is sick with worry over Easton, wanting to talk to me about worst-case scenarios if she dies before the transplant, and what she hopes for our son in the future.
I just...I can’t deal with it.
I have the mother of my first child with a condition and the love of my life who is grieving and, more than likely, scared shitless because she’s pregnant with my second.
I get it, we don’t and didn’t have the best relationship. It’s been meddled with, she’s hardened at trusting and believing because her faith is gone. And I want to be that for her, I do, I just don’t have the energy to be in two places at once.
