Record Love, page 6
…And he was willing to spend some of that time with me.
I actually liked the fact that he was older than me, too. He had experience that I simply didn’t have in this industry. It put him into a mentor position of sorts for me. I could certainly look to him to help me out.
Really, he already had. He had done me a huge favor and given me a boost to my career. And it was kind of attractive that he had the power to do so.
Shit, did I just think that it was attractive?
Why the hell would I use that word?
For some reason, it gave me a knot in my stomach. There was a disconnect within me… A disconnect between what I felt and what I wanted to feel. There were emotions inside of me that I couldn’t sort out.
But there was no time to expand on it now. We had arrived at the restaurant and I had to shove down the nauseating pit in my stomach so that I could eat dinner with Mason.
He held the door open for me, out of politeness, I was sure. But it only served as a reminder for the conflicting emotions I simply couldn’t sort through.
The restaurant was an absolutely gorgeous Italian restaurant. It was set with white tablecloths, black velvet chairs, and dim lighting that set the mood throughout the restaurant.
Shit, I couldn’t imagine how expensive this place was going to be! I should have asked where we were going, or suggested a restaurant myself. I definitely couldn’t afford a place like this.
Then again, Mason definitely could. It wouldn’t even be a drop in the bucket for him. And he was a classy guy. He wouldn’t bring me to an expensive restaurant without even asking about my budget. Clearly, he intended to pay.
The knot in my stomach grew a little.
We sat down and waters were immediately given to us without question as well as empty wine glasses. Our server also asked if there was anything else we’d like to drink and Mason requested a wine that I didn’t even recognize by name.
Shit, I’d been doing the serving thing all wrong! I should’ve been working in a restaurant like this! I didn’t even want to know what tips were like here.
I glanced over the menu, and sure enough, the prices for the entrees were listed in all triple digits.
Mason must have seen the shock on my face because he said: “Pick whatever you want, on me. It’s your celebratory dinner.”
“Thank you… Really, this is way too kind,” I told him sheepishly.
“It’s not a problem at all.”
I believed him. Just the amount of money I was getting for my record contract was more than I ever imagined I’d have. And obviously Mason’s profit blew that out of the water.
When the server came back, I still had no idea what to order and I decided to just tell Mason that. He laughed and ordered us both the same lamb dish, something I wasn’t even able to pronounce.
The server very politely took our menus and topped off our water even though we had both taken only mere sips from it.
“So, how’s life in the industry?” I asked Mason.
It was small talk. And the fact that I could talk to Mason about deeper subjects was the thing I loved about spending time with him. Still, it was small talk questions that came out of my mouth.
Since my thought of Mason being attractive in the car, I felt myself getting a lot more closed off to him.
“You know, it’s good. It’s everything I ever wanted out of a job. When I was just producing at your age, I never imagined I’d be in the position I am now.” He took a sip of his wine, which the waiter had opened and poured after taking our orders. “But still, it leaves something to be desired.”
“Seriously?” I laughed. “What more could you possibly want? You make tons of money, tell people what to do, interact with some of the biggest musical celebrities in the country.”
“You're right,” he agreed. “It’s damn glamorous. And damn lonely.”
“Lonely?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’ve poured every bit of my time in the last few years into making this my career. And in a way, I don’t regret it, because here I am now. In the exact top position I always dreamed of getting. But I neglected every relationship to get here. At the end of the day, my job is just my job. In addition to imagining this amazing career when I was younger, I also imagined a family. And my career has gotten in the way.”
I played around with the stem of my wine glass slightly, rolling the liquid around the bowl of the glass. I couldn’t think of what to say. Despite my engaging in small talk, we had turned toward the deep stuff really fast. Maybe that was just the way it was with us.
I tried to think of a way to divert the conversation into something more casual, but I couldn't. Even more, I didn’t want to. Just like the first time we’d met, I was craving this kind of in-depth conversation, and despite my reservations, I flowed with it.
“I’ve worried about that too, a lot. Obviously I haven’t reached anywhere near the level of success you have, but I was still really concerned that all the time I’d put into my music wasn’t going to pay off, and in addition to having no successful career as a musician, I’d have no family. The worry ate at me for a long time.”
“But it doesn’t eat at you now?” he asked.
“Well, not really, I guess. I don’t know, something has shifted in me since getting the record deal. Maybe I’m still riding the high of the whole thing and the worry will come back to me once reality has set in. But on the other hand, I feel like now that I’ve actually made it, I’ll be able to settle down a little, you know? Meet people, make friendships, have relationships. I'll have the time to cultivate those things.”
“And you should!” he insisted. “Take it from someone who’s been where you are, you don’t want to neglect those things. Your connections are all you’ve really got. I know you have a passion for music, and you’re very talented, but I think one day you’ll feel the same way about it that I do. Making money is just a good security net. But money won’t sleep with you at night.”
I thought about this for a minute as I sipped more of my wine. It was clearly very strong because I was already feeling a little buzz going. Though I didn’t have a very high alcohol tolerance to begin with.
“Can I ask you a weird hypothetical question?” I asked.
“Shoot.” He smiled mischievously.
“All right, so, if you had to choose between being rich and alone or being dirt poor with the one you love, which would you choose?”
He thought about this carefully. “That depends, I guess.”
“On what?”
“Is the person I’m with when I’m dirt poor my true love? Are they someone I love with undying devotion? Or are they just another placeholder for my loneliness?”
“Another placeholder for your loneliness?!” I laughed. “God, Mason, that’s pretty damn dark.”
“Oh, like you haven’t had those relationships!” He laughed back. “You know, I think all I’ve had
are those relationships.”
“Seriously? Every man you’ve ever dated has just been a placeholder for you?”
“I think so, yeah.” He nodded. “I definitely never felt truly passionate about them. I cared about them, I don’t mean to make myself sound completely cold. But it’s not as if it’s the kind of love you read about or watch in movies. But who knows, maybe that kind of love doesn’t exist? Passion is fleeting.”
I thought about this. “I believe it does. I believe the kind of love that keeps you devoted to someone through thick and thin exists… It just might be hard to find.”
He gave a soft smile. “Lately, I’m starting to think you’re right.”
The way he was looking at me sent chills down my spine.
“Okay, but back to the question,” I said, attempting to change the conversation. “Let’s say it is your true love. We’ll call them your soul mate, even. Would you choose to be rich and alone or poor with your soul mate?”
“Poor with my soul mate, absolutely,” he said without hesitation.
“Are you sure?” I pressed. “I know you’re probably used to a very lavish lifestyle. You really think you could give all that up just to be with the one you love?”
“What? You think I’m just super materialistic?” He gave me a sideways smile. “I am used to luxury, I’ll admit to that. But sleeping in the softest bed, in the biggest room, in a gorgeous house where you can see the beach… It’s still just a house you're living in alone. I’d slum it in some dingy studio apartment any day if I had someone to lay by my side.” He sighed. “I always thought I wanted ocean views, you know.”
“Are you saying you don’t now?” I asked.
“Well, it’s not that they’re not beautiful. They really, truly are. But I never thought that staring out at the ocean would make me feel so lonely. It’s this big, vast expanse. There’s so much life in it, the biodiversity in our oceans is absolutely remarkable. And even knowing there’s all that life out there, right outside my window, I still end up feeling so damn lonely.”
There was an edge to his voice. I knew he meant what he said, that he had been thinking about this feeling of emptiness for a long time.
It caused me to think about my own loneliness, though I hadn’t reflected on it nearly as much as he had. Because I had shoved it down. Deep, deep down. I did my best not to think about it.
But what if I felt this loneliness for another ten years? What if I was thirty-five and all I had at the end of the day was a successful music career?
The thought struck me. That actually could be me. If I didn’t really try to work on my relationships… I could be one of those people that end up alone. And I was so closed off… After not dating for all these years, how easy would it really be to jump back into things?
“What are you thinking about?” Mason’s voice jolted me from my reverie.
“Just about how… Closed off I am.”
“Huh? How so? You seem open to me.”
I shook my head. “But I’m not. Not really. I mean, I’m more open with you now than I have been with pretty much anybody in the last… Well, many years. But even with you, I have the desire to hold back. When you say something too personal, it makes me want to shrink into nowhere rather than actually have to think about my feelings.” I laughed. “Hell, even saying this to you now feels way too open to be uncomfortable for me.”
His face contorted. “I’m sorry, do you feel like I’m pushing you? To get too personal with me? Because I—”
“No,” I said quickly. “Absolutely not. You haven’t made me feel pressured at all. I feel the opposite of pressured with you. There’s actual a natural drive for me to be open with you. But it’s something I don’t exactly understand, so it makes me uncomfortable.”
Fuck, I couldn’t believe I was just admitting all of this to him. It was too much. Even as the words were coming out of my mouth, I knew it was too much. But I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted him to know how I felt.
For the first time, maybe ever, I actually wanted someone to understand my feelings.
But it made that knot in my stomach grow even tighter.
I downed the rest of my glass of wine. The server immediately came by to refill it.
“I feel the same way with you too, you know,” Mason said. “I’m not exactly a very emotional person normally either. But you’re so easy to talk to. There seems to be just a natural chemistry between us.”
The word chemistry made me cringe the same way the word attraction did. And I knew why.
These words, these feelings, they were more intense than I was admitting to. And I knew, in my heart, that these feelings amounted to more than just friendship. These words just served as a reminder of that.
I couldn’t admit that to myself normally. Just the thought that I had been wrong about my orientation all these years made my stomach turn. I knew alcohol was the only reason I was able to admit this to myself.
It’s not that I was homophobic or anything. I wasn’t, not in the slightest. It was just that I envisioned a life for myself and in my head, I always ended up with a woman. I always liked women, that was part of who I was.
Or was it?
That was the difficult part. It wasn’t that I was disgusted with liking men. It was that I had an idea of who I was, of what my identity was, and it was all starting to shatter around me.
Our food came and I was thrilled to have an excuse not to talk as we ate. The food was positively exquisite—I loved it—and we did lightly discuss how great it was. But mostly, we were quiet.
It gave me time to think on things. And every time a thought made me queasy, I took a big swig of my wine. Slowly but surely, the thoughts became easier to handle.
And I became pretty drunk.
Why did I care this much, really? What was it that bothered me about possibly ending up with a man? How would it make my life any different?
It wouldn't. Bottom line was that what I really pictured for myself in the future was a loving, happy, respectful relationship. And there was no reason that couldn’t be with a man instead of a woman.
I just didn’t know. It was hard for me to reflect. This whole thing would have been so much easier if I had just forced myself to think about my life every once in a while! To think about what kind of person I was and what I wanted in life.
The reason my identity was so easily shattered was because I never took the time to actually build up an identity for myself. I became my music, that was who I was. That was all I really knew about myself.
Which wasn’t completely wrong, because music was, of course, a big part of who I was. But it wasn’t the only part. There were so many facets to me as a person and I hadn’t explored any of them.
And I didn’t want to waste another day living my life like that. I needed to explore. I needed to know what kind of person I was and what I wanted.
All I knew right now was that I liked Mason.
I was looking at him eat. It was clear he’d had a lot of fancy dinners because his table manners were excellent, which made me pretty insecure about being a drunk, sloppy mess. But I couldn’t help staring at him.
He really was a gorgeous guy. And not just in his physical appearance. He just had a good heart. I mean, I didn’t know him that well yet, but I could feel it. His kindness and his authentic personality radiated through him. I felt like his positivity literally spread out into me. Spending time with him brought light into my world.
Why would I let that go? Because the thought of being with a man scared me? That seemed like such a bullshit reason to let go of somebody who could potentially be a real match for me.
In addition to my drunkenness leaving me with less inhibited thoughts, it also was beginning to make me feel intensely lonely. In all my reflection, I was forced to realize that I had been really alone for a long time now.
Actually, it wasn’t just the alcohol that was making me realize this. It was being with Mason. Being around someone whose time I actually enjoyed made me realize what I was missing out on.
“Are you all right?” Mason asked out of nowhere.
Oh, geez, I hoped the whirlwind of emotions I was currently feeling wasn’t showing on my face.
“I’m fine.” I smiled at him. “You know, I’m actually completely fine.”
For the first time in a while, I meant it.
8
Mason
Though I tried to keep myself to only one or two glasses of wine over the course of our two-hour dinner, by the end of it I could see that Caleb was very drunk.
I didn’t mind him being drunk. Actually, it was kind of nice. Not in a creepy way or anything. I wasn’t planning on taking advantage of the situation.
It was just that he was being very open. When we first got to the restaurant, I could tell he was pretty nervous. But that all seemed to slowly disappear as the night went on.
After the lamb, I ordered us a mousse cake dessert which we split because Caleb insisted he wouldn’t be able to finish one on his own. Though, since he devoured the one we were sharing, I felt like maybe that wasn’t true. But I didn’t call him on it.
Afterward, when I suggested we make our way back home, I could see the disappointment on his face. I felt for him; I hated being drunk and still having fun and then being forced to go back to my own house. It always felt so lonely to be shit faced in an empty apartment.
But I couldn’t just keep spending time with him like this. It was too tempting. I may not have been drunk, but I didn’t need alcohol to feel comfortable with him. I already did… Way, way too comfortable.
As we walked out of the restaurant, Caleb turned to me.
“Are you bringing me back to the studio? To pick up my car?” he asked, before literally stumbling in front of me. I had to catch him to prevent him from hitting the ground.
“Uh, no.” I laughed. “I think you behind the wheel of a car would be a very bad idea right now.”
“You know, I think you might be right.” He laughed.
“How about you just tell me your address and I’ll drop you off there?” I asked.
“That would be good.” He nodded as he clumsily made his way into my car.
He was a chatterbox the whole ride home. But again, I didn’t mind. I found his drunken ramblings pretty cute.
“You know, I haven’t even thought about this but like… What is my life going to be like now?” he asked me.
“What do you mean?” I responded.
“I mean, like, am I going to be famous? What if I’m famous? I’m already not worried about money… Life is already so different for me!”
I laughed. “Have you quit your restaurant job yet?”
“No.” He sighed. “Not yet.”
“Why not?” I asked. “Everything's finalized now.”
“I know. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. It’s been such a big part of my life since I was eighteen years old. It’s just hard to imagine moving on from it. Weird to think about not seeing your grandma for Sunday brunches and stuff. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m prepared for my life to change.”
