The Notekeeper, page 29
‘Ben, whatever happens, I’m all in. You know that, right?’
‘It’s just not fair, Zoe,’ he whispered into her hair.
‘It’s not,’ she said, lifting her chin to look up at him. She smiled as she wiped his tears away with the pad of her thumb. ‘And if there’s one thing I know about life, it can be really fucking unfair.’
Ben laughed at her bluntness. ‘You got that right.’
She kissed his face. ‘What’s next?’
‘I get out of here,’ Ben said firmly. ‘I don’t want to waste another minute in hospital.’
‘I can understand that. Let me talk to the doctors, see what we can do.’
Zoe got up, grateful for the chance to compose herself before she completely broke down in front of her boyfriend.
* * *
After her hospital visit, Zoe went home, slumped on the sofa and allowed herself a moment to give in to her feelings of despair. This beautiful flat was supposed to have been a chance for them to have the future they’d dreamed of. It was a chance, for Zoe certainly, to move on from the past. She had vowed that in this new place she would think of Sean with love and tenderness rather than guilt and sadness that she hadn’t been able to protect him. Instinctively she reached for the little wooden box where she kept Sean’s last words. Pulling the well-worn note towards her, her eyes roamed greedily across the words, desperate for them to give her the strength they always offered.
I just want to be a cowboy
At the sight of those seven words Zoe felt a flicker of hope return. Even in moments of crisis, the power of the written word, the ability to hold and feel something physical from someone you cherished, offered her strength. As she continued to hold the note to her heart, Zoe vowed that this time love wouldn’t break her – it would power her through whatever lay ahead.
* * *
Zoe walked through the aisle between the valley of hospital beds the following morning, finding Ben at the end. She paused for a moment and took in the scene. Back gently curved, wearing his favourite grey hoodie, he was sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to her, leaning his chin on a cane and gazing out at the houses beyond the window. Even from behind, Zoe thought he looked as if he had aged a hundred years. His frame was gaunt, which, given the amount of medicine he had been given, was no great surprise. But Ben was still gorgeous, beautiful both inside and out. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, but he looked as if he needed those few moments to himself and Zoe didn’t want to deny him.
‘I can see you standing there in the reflection, you know,’ Ben said, his tone light. ‘Are you going to say hello or are you going to keep standing there like some kind of weirdo?’
His voice sounded so normal, so typically Ben, that Zoe couldn’t help laughing. She walked over to him and planted a kiss on his warm cheek, noting the smooth skin and the fact that he had found the strength to shave. Or someone did it for him, a dark voice echoed inside her head.
She pushed the unwelcome thought away and instead plastered on a smile. Zoe had been looking forward to taking Ben home ever since the consultant had agreed last night.
‘Are you ready to split this joint?’ she found herself asking in a faux American accent, which startled her as much as it did Ben.
‘Er, yes,’ he said. ‘But if you keep talking like that I’m going to ask for an Uber.’
Zoe rolled her eyes. The forced jollity was perhaps a little too much for them both. She was just debating how to encourage Ben to use a wheelchair when one of the ward nurses came along. She was wearing a smile Zoe recognised as one of the battle-weary – a nurse who had been around the block a few times and got more than a handful of scrubs in the process.
‘Right, time to get rid of you,’ she said cheerfully, helping Ben into the wheelchair without complaint.
Zoe didn’t pass comment. She had been expecting an argument but equally she knew Ben also had a lot of respect for his colleagues. It was entirely possible he simply didn’t want to give a fellow nurse a hard time over a war he couldn’t possibly hope to win.
Outside, Zoe thanked the nurse for her help and helped get Ben settled into the passenger seat of her car.
‘I should have got you to pick me up in the Porsche,’ he grumbled when Zoe slammed the driver door shut and started the engine. ‘I’m dying, I should only be travelling in style.’
Zoe refused to rise to the bait. ‘If you want to put me on your insurance and pay the bill then that’s fine by me,’ she said, nosing the Yaris smoothly out of the car park.
‘Already done,’ Ben said nonchalantly. ‘The documents are on my laptop.’
‘When did you become so organised?’ Zoe demanded.
But even when Ben had been in hospital, he had surprised her. During those first couple of days when she and Candice had maintained a vigil around his bedside, Zoe had braced herself to have to organise things in Ben’s life that she hadn’t expected him to consider.
First of all had been the idea she would have to contact Ben’s friends and let them know about his condition. To her surprise he had already broken the news with an online video chat from his hospital bed a couple of days earlier during a brief moment when he had been awake. She had next prepared to inform the hospice board that Ben had terminal cancer. Once again Zoe discovered Ben had beaten her to it, after speaking to Mr Harper.
‘Didn’t have him down as much of a note-taker, his organisation is usually terrible,’ he had said in a mock grumble, ‘but he emailed me a couple of days ago. It’s devastating. Ben is so full of life and has so much potential to make change.’
Now, Zoe indicated left and pulled into a lay-by. Ben was prepared in a way she wasn’t; she had to know what the next step was.
‘What’s going on?’ Ben asked, looking surprised as she killed the engine.
‘We need to talk.’
A flicker of wariness crossed Ben’s face. ‘What about?’
‘You, this, us,’ Zoe said, shrugging her shoulders and gesturing around her as much as the small interior of her hatchback would allow. ‘And not the Yaris, before you start getting clever. I want to know if there’s anything in particular you want to do with whatever time you’ve got left.’
Zoe prided herself on giving every one of her patients a good death. Just because this particular death was personal and would no doubt devastate her was no reason not to do the same.
Ben stared through the windscreen, the sun lighting his face. For a second, she wondered if he had heard her. But then he reached for her hand and held it. Neither spoke, and Zoe appreciated the warmth and love that flowed from his dark hand into her pale one.
‘Zoe, I want to live as normally as I can. I want you and me to try and be a normal couple until I can’t any more. It may be weeks or months, it may be days. I don’t know. All I know is I just want it to be you and me. That’s all that matters.’
His voice was so tender, so full of longing and regret it made Zoe’s heart physically ache. She brought her mouth to his, kissing him with such passion – she wanted him to feel every ounce of love she had for him while he still could.
‘We can do that,’ she promised, as she pulled away. ‘How about we go home?’
At the suggestion, Ben’s whole body relaxed and Zoe knew she had said just what he wanted to hear.
‘Yes please.’ Then he closed his eyes and fell straight to sleep.
Chapter Fifty-One
When Ben had said that all he wanted to do was go home, Zoe’s initial instinct was worry. Yes, Zoe had dealt with the deaths of hundreds of other people’s loved ones before, but this was different. The knowledge that the bony fingers of the grim reaper were lurking nearby would surely cast a shadow over their relationship.
She didn’t want Ben worrying that she thought of him differently now they were preparing to see out his final days, and so over the course of the following fortnight Zoe did her best to pretend everything was just the same.
Even now, as she brought Ben a cup of coffee and set it on his bedside table, knowing that it would be stone cold by the time he drank it, Zoe focused on trying to keep everything normal. Ben was sleeping so much more these days, waking only for a few hours of the day. But when he woke, she would tease him about being a sleepyhead and suggest they binge-watch the latest Scandi drama series on Netflix.
Tiptoeing across the carpet, she pulled back the blinds. It was past lunchtime and the room that had once looked full of promise and excitement when they first viewed the flat had taken on a bleak, dark edge with the blinds closed all the time. As if in defiance to the threat of death, Zoe threw the shutters open, exposing the room to a sweeping shaft of sunlight that enveloped the whole room like a warm hug. Already things seemed brighter. She perched on the edge of the bed, gazing out the window. The sky was a vivid blue, the sun high and not a cloud was in sight. Unusual for October, but all the more glorious for it.
‘Hey,’ Ben murmured.
Hearing the sound of rustling bedsheets, Zoe smiled as she watched her boyfriend come to.
‘Hey, sleepyhead.’
She leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips. They were as dry as sandpaper. Reaching into his bedside drawer, she pulled out a lip balm and carefully applied some to his lips.
‘That bad, eh?’ he rasped.
She laughed. ‘B&Q should market you as their newest invention. The human sander!’ Ben smiled and the sight of it gladdened her heart. ‘Anything you feel like doing today?’
‘I thought we might go into London,’ he croaked, his breath coming in great gulps. ‘Lunch at the Wolseley? Stay overnight?’
‘Sounds good to me.’ She reached out a hand and stroked his head, enjoying the feel of his smooth, warm skin in her palm. ‘Though I’m a bit tired. Do you mind if we stay home and chill?’
‘We’re not doing very well with this extra holiday,’ Ben joked, referring to the fact he had left the hospice for good and Zoe had taken indefinite leave.
Zoe shrugged. ‘True. But you know me, I’m not one for the high life. I’m happy just being with you.’
‘All right,’ Ben sighed, as he tried to reach for his coffee. She watched his hands shake, and Zoe leaned casually over and took the cup, pretending to take a sip of the coffee herself before handing it to him. It was a practised trick she had learned very early on in her hospice days – to make it look as though she wasn’t doing everything for the patient.
Ben took the drink and Zoe smiled, with just a touch of sadness. This was the same dance they did every day. Pretending that nothing unusual was happening. That everything was fine, that they were just having a staycation.
Zoe had expected her heart to break, but in fact the only thing she felt was gratitude. To her it seemed like a miracle she had this extra time with Ben. It was a gift, to be able to say goodbye to someone in this way. She leaned forward to kiss him once more, when there was a rap at the door. Springing back, she looked at Ben in surprise.
‘It’s a bit late for the postie.’
‘It’s probably Miles,’ Ben said softly. ‘I invited him over.’
‘Miles?’
Zoe’s mind went blank. Although both Sarah and Miles called regularly to check how things were, she wasn’t aware of Ben making direct contact with either of them. She had assumed he was too weak to do much more than text Candice, with whom he had a sibling shorthand. Candice was playing a huge role in keeping Zoe anchored through all this; she was a semi-permanent guest in their home and Zoe was grateful for her frequent presence – bringing much-needed life to the flat with her booming laugh and colourful dress.
‘I will laugh in the face of death,’ she had cried fiercely to Ben on the first day he arrived home, wearing a vivid yellow kimono over a wide-legged pair of green trousers.
‘Fair enough,’ he said. ‘Just make sure you bring me my sunglasses on your next visit.’
And they had laughed, in that way they both did, mirroring each other’s sound, though Ben was slightly quieter, less enthusiastic than usual.
These were all signs the end was on its way. Zoe knew that. But it seemed Ben still had the power to surprise her if he was inviting people over without telling her.
‘I’d better let him in, then,’ she said.
She hurried down the stairs and opened the door to a sombre-looking Miles. Hands shoved in pockets and eyes downcast, he seemed unable to look her in the eye.
‘Blimey, he’s not dead yet!’ she exclaimed.
The poor excuse for a joke did the trick, as Miles shot Zoe a watery smile.
‘Sorry, Zo. You’d think I’d be better at this, wouldn’t you?’
‘Why?’
Miles stood sheepishly in the doorway. ‘I’m a hospice nurse.’
‘And Ben is also a mate. Hospice nurse or not, this is tough,’ Zoe pointed out as she pulled him inside.
‘How is he?’ Miles asked, keeping his voice low.
‘He’s okay,’ Zoe said as brightly as she could. ‘He’s sleeping a lot.’
Miles nodded, understanding what she meant.
‘When did he ask you to come round?’ Zoe asked, unable to keep the curiosity at bay.
‘This morning – said he wanted to talk to me about something.’
Zoe frowned, then led Miles into the kitchen and offered him a coffee, but he shook his head.
‘I’ll go straight on up if that’s okay? He made out it was urgent.’
‘Okay. You know where he is.’
Miles made his way upstairs. Zoe contented herself with cleaning the kitchen, something that had been sorely neglected of late. As she busied herself with washing down the surfaces and ensuring the sink sparkled, the hours slipped by like minutes and she saw it was dark by the time Miles emerged downstairs.
‘Blimey! Can you pop round to ours?’ he asked, surveying the kitchen.
Zoe smiled, pleased not only with her efforts but also because Miles seemed more at ease than he had when he first arrived.
‘Everything all right?’ Zoe jerked her head gently towards the stairs.
‘We had a good chat. There were some things he needed to say. Ben’s a good guy, you struck gold with him.’
Zoe felt the stab of tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. ‘He is. I keep wishing we had more time, it’s all so unfair.’
‘Course it’s unfair, Zo! I think the only bright spot about this whole thing is that you and Ben found each other when you did.’
Zoe allowed Miles to pull her into his arms and she simply enjoyed the feeling of being held for a few moments. Closing her eyes, she noticed he smelled of bonfires and autumn leaves. Healthy, seasonal scents of activities that she had hoped to have been enjoying with Ben. Instead, she was helping him have the good death he deserved. And, in that moment, she knew there was something she needed to ask, something she asked all her patients but so far had avoided because she was trying to be the one thing Ben didn’t want her to be – a nurse.
Pulling herself away, she looked up at Miles and saw the kindness in his eyes.
‘How could I ever have thought you were such a drongo?’ she asked with a smile.
Miles laughed. ‘Maybe because I was. You and Sarah got me to see the error of my ways.’
‘I’m glad we did,’ Zoe said with affection. ‘I’d better get upstairs, see if he wants anything.’
‘And I’d better be going too,’ Miles replied. ‘I promised Lottie we could watch Frozen one and two tonight.’
Once Miles had gone, Zoe shutting the door softly behind him, she allowed a genuine smile to spread across her face. She never thought she would be grateful for Miles but she had a feeling she wouldn’t have got through the last few weeks without him.
She padded softly up the stairs and pushed open the bedroom door. Ben was lying on the bed, head on his pillows, eyes flickering open and closed.
‘Hey,’ she said, tiptoeing across the room and perching on the bed. ‘How was Miles?’
Ben swivelled his head slowly to face her. ‘Fine. It was good to see him.’
Zoe nodded. She would never ask what it was he needed Miles for but there was one thing on her mind.
‘Ben, is there a note you would like to leave? Anything you would like to say…?’
She allowed her voice to trail off as Ben blinked his eyes firmly open and fixed his gaze on her.
‘Zoe, no,’ he rasped, his voice gentle but firm. ‘You’re with me, that’s all I need.’
She could tell that the long day with Miles had cost him, and she stroked his cheek to show she appreciated the effort.
‘Are you sure?’ she whispered, not wanting to labour the point but wanting to make certain Ben had every opportunity to say anything he wanted.
‘Sure. All I want is for you to lie beside me. Can you do that?’
‘Of course.’
Zoe climbed onto the bed and wrapped her body around Ben’s. As she laid her head in the familiar nook of his chest and listened to the rhythmic beating of his heart, all she wanted was for that sound to go on forever.
Chapter Fifty-Two
It was the sound of the rain sheeting against the glass that woke Zoe. Blinking her eyes open, she felt stiff and chilled and noticed the covers were tangled between her denim-clad legs. She glanced at Ben. He was still fast asleep, eyes firmly closed, mouth slightly open in that endearing way he had when he was in a deep sleep. She wasn’t sure what time it was. Judging by the fact she could hear the dawn chorus, she guessed it was still early. There was no rush to do anything or go anywhere. She could relax, enjoy the chance to be with Ben. Reaching for the duvet, Zoe pulled it up high and tucked it around her boyfriend, not wanting him to get cold. Then she rested her head back against his chest and willed the deep fugue of sleep to claim her, wanting nothing more than to feel safe with Ben beside her, the two of them in their own private cocoon.
Only as she snuggled in, Zoe realised Ben wasn’t just cold, he was freezing. She propped herself up, checked to see he was still asleep and wrapped an arm tightly around Ben’s middle and rested her head back against his chest.
