Soul Bound, page 24
I could punch a hole in the wall. Or in her face.
My fist trembles. My grip shakes. The bond purrs, grating against my mind as I battle the onslaught of violent urges screaming in my skull. Idris starts talking to the City Guards, his voice like a thousand nails scraping down my spine.
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to focus on anything else. But all I can think of is my rage, the betrayal, my anger. The bond snarls and gnashes its teeth, gleefully ramming hot pokers down my throat and clawing at my eyes. Idris’s voice throbs like a viper clamping its jaw on my brain.
I bend over my knees and pant as the violence chews on my limbs and sears down my throat.
“Renza?” Idris says my name.
“NO!” I scream at Idris, clamping my hands over my ears, digging my fingers into my scalp as I war with the loathing coursing through my limbs.
“Breathe, Renza, breathe.” Idris’s words fuel indignation and disgust as they bubble to life in my belly. His hand on the small of my back snaps my fraying control.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I shriek, wheeling around to shove him. I use all my strength, throwing him to the floor. He crashes against the desk on the way down, the wood screaming against the polished tile.
Blood drains from my face as Idris holds up his hands in surrender from his awkward position on the floor. I shake my head, breathing frantically as I stare at my hands. The compulsion to feel his blood slick on my palms, to curl my fingers tight around his neck—
“Renza, leave,” Savino says quietly, his voice an anchor to reality. He steps in front of me, blocking Idris from view. “Come on, walk with me.”
Savino walks me backwards as I close my eyes and wrestle the bond into fraught submission. Savino accompanies me all the way down the corridor, backing off only as I stagger to grip the wall two hundred paces from the office.
Groaning, I cover my face with my hands.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” I manage to choke out.
“I know. We all know, including him.” Savino doesn’t use Idris’s name, uncertain what it might aggravate. I blink back hot tears, feeling entirely untethered.
“Why don’t you get some fresh air?” Savino suggests.
I stand up, forcing myself to breathe slowly and control the rhythm.
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
“We’ve got this. Clear your head,” Savino suggests.
I nod sharply, not hesitating before running away.
I attacked Idris. I shoved him! I lost control. The guilt, the shame – it crawls and swells in my throat. The bond pleads to go back, to give in to the satisfaction of loathing.
As I get outside, Rialta is being loaded into the prison carriage, chains dangling from her bound wrists. Spectators are gasping and pointing at her as she sits down. This news will be all over the city before lunch.
There’s only one person I want to inform before rumours can twist the narrative, and he’s lying in a bed with stitches holding him together. I can do that much good today at least.
The ride to Alfieri’s house passes in the blink of an eye, my mind clouded with the last twenty-four hours.
I’m shown in by a staff member and I follow the path Idris had pulled me along before. Voices come from the bedroom. Nervously, I pause by the large wooden door.
Inside, Alfieri is propped up in the bed, his fingers linked with Emilia’s, who is curled up by his side, along with another face I haven’t seen in a long while. Serra looks rough but thankfully sober.
All three have suffered because of me, because of my failures. My family, my friends … they are in pain.
All three turn as I linger at the door.
“Renza.” Alfieri smiles. “Another visit? I’m beginning to feel important.”
“You are important, Alfieri,” I answer, clearing my throat. “I just wanted you to know, we worked out who betrayed us.”
“Who?” Emilia asks coldly.
“My Aunt Rialta. She wanted to sink this bank branch so she could take control of the wider bank network.” I sigh, not daring to step further into the room.
“Now, that I wouldn’t have guessed.” Alfieri chuckles, wincing as pain shoots through his chest.
“Is she in prison?” Emilia asks darkly.
“She’s on her way. Charged with embezzling and fraud,” I answer, struggling to force the words out around the lump in my throat. “I didn’t want you to hear through the rumour mill, so I came to tell you myself.”
“Is that all?” Emilia’s words crack like ice. I swallow the bitter sensation. I shake my head and turn to leave but I pause, my hand on the doorframe, as Tahira’s words yesterday echo back to me.
“You know what, Emilia? You need to get over yourself!” I snap.
“Excuse you?” Emilia narrows her eyes.
“You think I wanted any of this? You think this was my intention?” I demand, letting my frustration leak into my words.
“You know how I feel about Alfie’s work!” Emilia all but growls at me. “You knew it was dangerous, yet you went behind my back and paid him to do it!”
“I didn’t go behind your back, it simply had nothing to do with you,” I retort angrily.
“Nothing? He could have died! I love him and he could’ve died!” Emilia yells, her cheeks turning red. “You lied to my face and hired him to do this!”
“I didn’t lie. I just didn’t tell you.”
“Because you knew how hurt I’d be!”
“So where’s your anger at Idris?” I bark back. “Idris sent Alfieri out time and time again. I didn’t see you weeping and wailing when he brought you back pretty jewellery instead of cuts and bruises.”
“This is far more than cuts and bruises!” Emilia snaps.
“Yes, but only now are you acting the self-righteous wounded animal!”
“Because I never thought you’d do this to me!” Emilia’s eyes are shining with tears. “You, of all people, who espouse morals and duties and your dedication to the law like a lovesick musician. You tossed all that away, and my trust alongside it.”
“I didn’t do this to you!” I scream at her. “This was never about you. None of this is about you!”
“Of course not, because everything is always about you!” Serra jabs a finger at me. “You are the one who makes all the decisions for everyone. You get to decide when to break the rules, because you’re Renza Di Maineri. You didn’t want to rescue me from the prison because it went against your principles, but you’ll send Alfieri to smuggle gold when it suits? You are a hypocrite!”
That hits me like a slap in the face. I look at stone-faced Serra. I laugh, shaking my head in disbelief.
“You’re acting like children who’ve just learned the world isn’t fair,” I say incredulously. “The reason I make those decisions is because I was elected to do so. And before you forget, Serra, I did rescue you.”
“Do you even hear yourself? It’s all you. Your risks, your actions, your decisions,” Emilia retorts. “You’re not the one cut open. You haven’t even said you’re sorry!”
“Because I’m not!” I shout at her, fury rolling off me like a tide. “I regret that Alfieri’s been hurt, of course I do. But I didn’t pick up a sword and swipe at him. I didn’t ask Alfieri to go out there lightly. I’m in a fight so great and so suffocating that I’m drowning every single day! So many lives are in the balance and it’s my duty to save as many as I can. The situation was dire. If the bank goes under, the devastation will haunt the history books for centuries to come. So much agony and death for so, so many. The decision I made strangled me like a noose and sometimes I couldn’t breathe for the guilt. But I am a leader, and I need to put my people first. Not just you, not just Alfieri. I am responsible for an entire city, and we are at war. A war for our very survival, and that changes the rules!”
Emilia shakes her head, her mouth wrinkling as tears roll down her cheeks.
“You play Fate, convincing and manipulating people to do what you want. You can always justify it, can’t you, getting other people to risk their lives for your agenda? Well, Fate will fight back. Fate always has a price for those playing games.”
“My agenda is the safety of the entire city,” I remind her, seething with anger. “If you have a problem with that, that’s fine. But don’t act like you’re somehow superior simply because you don’t have to make those decisions. Hindsight is a bitch, and it’s so easy to judge once the dice have been cast and we know the price we paid.”
I step forwards, not backing down from the fight. Tears wet my words, but they still erupt angry and pained. “If it’s so easy, look me in the eye and tell me what the other solution was. If you have one, perhaps you should be Electi, not me. I would gladly lay this burden down and cast it to some other unfortunate soul but I can’t. I won’t turn my back on the lives that are depending on me, just because I’m afraid of the cost. Even if it costs me everything. Even if it costs me you.”
I turn around, shaking with anger as I march away. I race down the steps, rage and tears bundling in my eyes. I don’t really know where I’m going, all I know is I need to move. I walk and walk, the Halician sunshine battering the top of my head as I weave through the blur of people on the streets. The cobblestones undulate under my feet as I follow a path.
Are they right? Am I really that selfish? Do I really make everything about myself? Did I betray Emilia by asking Alfieri to help? It felt that way in the moment, I can’t deny that. I didn’t tell her because I knew she’d be upset. But what other choice did I have? If there are always more options, where and what were mine?
My breathing is fast, my pulse throbbing in my ears when I find myself standing before Idris’s door. I push it open and walk inside. I don’t know why I’m here. My instincts pull me towards the man Fate decreed to be my enemy, the key to my destruction, the bane of my existence, the unravelling of all my joy.
But I need him. I need him like breath in my lungs and blood in my veins.
“Renza?” I look up the stairs as Tahira makes her way down. She pauses halfway, seeming to see the anguish on my face. She nods slowly and offers a pleasant smile.
“He’s not here. How about we find a drink?”
Chapter 23
Normally if I were to order alcohol before noon, I’d get strange looks. If I’m with Tahira, however, there is no hesitation whatsoever. So now I’m at a random bar, sitting at a table by the window with a view over the narrow street below, sharing a bottle of brown liquor with one of the deadliest women in the city.
Tahira finishes her drink, setting the shallow glass back on the table.
Tahira winces after I finish regaling her with my encounter with my friends. “Oof, that sounds rough.”
“Is she right, though? Did I betray her?” I ask. Tahira shrugs.
“I am not the girl to ask,” Tahira says honestly. “You Halicians see things very differently. In Coari, if you choose to get into a fight, you can’t complain about getting wounded. That’s pathetic and weak. Choices have consequences.”
“How do you do it?” I ask, tapping my glass with my fingers. “I mean, you send Royah into combat and she’s your best friend. You knowingly thrust her into danger. And Bash and Taio and, heck, even Idris in the past. How do you do that and not drown in the stress and guilt of it all?”
“They’re adults who make their own decisions,” Tahira answers honestly. “They all signed up to follow me when they joined the Bannerhood. They can also walk away whenever they want to, Idris being a great example. Alfieri could’ve refused when you asked him. Would there have been retribution towards him if he’d said no?”
“Of course not,” I scoff.
“There you go. He made his own decisions. The costs sit on his shoulders.”
“But I knew it would hurt Emilia,” I groan, resting my head on my hand.
“Maybe she’ll come around and maybe she won’t,” Tahira says, leaning forwards. “But to me it sounds like she’s angry at the situation. She feels powerless and scared and is seeing the consequences of violence up close and personal for the first time. She’s probably terrified and misplacing it on you.”
I sigh, running my fingers around the rim of the glass.
“Or she’s hurt that her best friend sent her beloved into danger.”
“He sent himself – you only asked,” Tahira reminds me, refilling both our glasses. “If she’s pissed at you then she doesn’t get it. Being responsible for other people sucks.”
“Urgh, tell me about it. And for the culprit to be my own family…” I rub my eyes. “I always knew that my bloodline was a worthless nest of selfish, greedy snakes, but to leverage a city in crisis just to steal more power for yourself is another level.”
“No love lost amongst your kin then?” chuckles Tahira.
“I have a litany of stories about my kin, and I barely interact with them. Ask anyone on this continent and they will have tale after tale,” I grumble, sipping on my drink. “If you ever meet someone else wearing the Di Maineri name, instantly be suspicious. That’s my insider tip.”
Tahira nods and then goes still, her head tilting sharply to one side, her mind’s eyes somewhere else.
“Do you think she was responsible for bribing my men for that disastrous party?” Tahira asks quietly. “If she was in contact with the Holy States, it would make sense.”
I sit up straighter.
“I mean … she could’ve,” I answer, my brow puckering.
What else does Rialta have up her sleeve? What other dominos have started falling?
I exchange a look with Tahira.
“I need to question her,” I say quietly.
“After we look through her things,” Tahira agrees. I reach for my purse to pay the tab. Tahira pushes my money back towards me, reaching for her boots and pulling out a small leather roll of coins.
“No, I’ve got this one.” Tahira throws down a few Hali-Pounds and takes the bottle. I’m not used to others paying for me, and the change is certainly a nice one. Bottle in hand, we hurry out of the door. We hail a carriage and climb inside. I sit silently, biting my lip.
What will we find at my house?
“Hey, drink,” Tahira encourages, pushing the bottle into my hands. “For that nervous energy.”
I bark a laugh, taking a swig from the bottle before passing it back. Tahira grins wickedly, like I amuse her.
“What?” I frown.
“Nothing, I just … you aren’t the person I thought you’d be,” Tahira admits.
“Oh, what did you expect?” I grin, leaning my arm against the side of the carriage. “What picture did Idris paint of me over the years? He kept tabs on me.”
“I’m very aware.” Tahira sniggers, before taking a swig of the bottle herself. She muses on my question before answering. “I was expecting a rich, smart, privileged woman. And you are, but not in the way I was expecting.”
“Is the Princess of War, whose stepfather is a literal king and who grew up in a palace, calling me rich and privileged?” I retort.
“Yes, but I’m also saying you’re not the haughty, entitled bitch I was expecting,” Tahira argues and we both descend into snickering. I lean back in my seat and decide to take it as a compliment, because she’s right. I am all those things.
“You aren’t the woman I thought you’d be either,” I admit.
“Now I’m worried. What did Idris tell you about me?”
“Idris painted you as some unmoveable, stone-faced master warrior, unrivalled with a blade and strengthened by a will of iron.”
“And I’m not?” Tahira gasps in mock horror.
“Not in the way I was expecting,” I answer back, taking the bottle from her.
Tahira chuckles. “Well, it seems Idris is utterly unreliable then.”
“Not only does he name-drop, he does it badly,” I muse. Tahira barks with laugher as the carriage pulls up at my house. I hurry inside, Tahira pouring in behind me. I barely take five steps towards the stairs before a shout stops me in my tracks.
“RENZA!” Fiora emerges at the top of the stairs like a fury.
Oh, right, I haven’t seen my aunts since Rialta’s arrest.
“Rialta betrayed the family. She was caught red-handed,” I answer shortly as I ascend the stairs.
“Oh, I know,” Fiora scowls, her eyes narrowing, “I heard all about it.”
That’s impressive, given it’s barely been two hours since it all went down. Fiora and her informants.
“What do you want, Fiora?” I ask sharply. Fiora puts one hand on her hip, pointing a finger in my direction.
“Watch that tone with me, girl. I’m on your side.”
“Are you? Then you won’t mind putting your little spies all over the city to work finding the traitors who keep revealing our moves to the enemy. Have them do something useful for once rather than stalking me so you can scold me about Idris Patricelli.”
Fiora takes a deep breath and folds her arms.
“I am worried about you and that boy,” she says sharply. “Fate has a wrath like no other and constantly being together tempts it! You will pay a price if you continue to ignore him, to refuse him—”
“I do not have time for this.” I scowl, and march past her towards Rialta’s room.
I push open my aunt’s door and see Agosta standing by the desk.
She turns her head to look at me, horror in her expression.
“Look at this,” Agosta says urgently, holding up a letter and walking straight to me. I frown at her, taking the paper from her hands.
“What are you doing here?” I demand.
“Rialta betrayed us. She risked this entire family for her own greed. I wondered what else she was capable of,” Agosta says, uncommonly serious. “Look at the letter. It was hidden in that drawer. She gave it a false bottom.”
I look to the drawer she’s pointing at, now open to view. Agosta points at the letter again. “It’s only addressed to her ‘friend’, and there’s no stamp or seal.”
