Five Night Stand, page 12
“Well…”
I didn’t look at CJ, the word he’d just uttered hanging in the air between us. I couldn’t look at him. Not yet. Not until I’d gotten my emotions enough under control that I could affect an air of casualness that might pass for genuine. One he wouldn’t be able to see through at a quick glance.
“Do you want me to help you?”
Grabbing a few more napkins, I shook my head. “No. I’ve got it.” I dragged out the mundane task for as long as I possibly could, but eventually, with not a single drop of coffee left on the table, there was nothing left to do but lift my head to meet CJ’s gaze. When I did, it was to find him watching me with a slight crease to his brow. I forced a smile. “So… the road is cleared.”
“Apparently so.”
There was no discernible emotion on CJ’s face. Nothing to say whether he thought this was good news or the worst news in the world. I wanted to see some sign that he was disappointed or upset, but no matter how much I searched for it, there was no evidence of any negative emotion whatsoever. I cleared my throat. “I could… I mean… I was thinking…” Just spit it out, Nathan. I threw a shrug in there. “That is… I could stay for another day.”
CJ ran a hand through his hair, his expression a study in thoughtfulness. “What date is your flight home?”
“The twenty-ninth.”
“So, you’ve only got a couple of days to spend with your dad, then?”
“My dad…” My dad, what? I had no idea how I’d been going to finish that sentence. My dad doesn’t matter? Not true. My dad would understand. Understand what? I wasn’t sure I understood myself. In lieu of finishing the sentence, I simply shook my head. Besides, CJ was right. The whole purpose of coming to the States was to see my dad. The detour to this hotel was supposed to have been about getting my head sorted prior to that. Nothing more. Therefore, it would be ridiculous not to spend the two days I had left with my dad. And there I was, ready to drop him like a hot coal. And for what? A minute chance that CJ might feel the same way. If he did, shouldn’t he have jumped at the chance of me staying longer? There was an obvious deduction to make from the fact he hadn’t done that. I sat up straighter and nodded. “You’re right.”
CJ mirrored my nod. “I usually am.” He gestured at my coffee cup. “Which means you need to drink up. You’ve got some packing to do.”
I forced the mug to my lips, the coffee tasting of nothing as I swallowed.
I secured the last fastening on my suitcase before heaving it off the bed and onto the floor. CJ had stayed largely silent while I’d packed, with only the odd comment about whether I’d remembered something. I stared at the suitcase. “All done.” My statement was completely and utterly redundant. Just another thing that felt stilted and awkward between us, where awkwardness had never been a factor in our relationship. Not beyond that first proposition and the following morning anyway, and even then, it had only seemed to be me who felt it. I looked up to find CJ on the opposite side of the room, scribbling something on a piece of paper.
He crossed the room to stand in front of me and offered the paper to me.
“What’s this?”
CJ shrugged. “My number. I thought you might want it.”
I took the paper and stared down at the string of digits written on it, my heart giving a little jig in my chest. Well, at least that was something, right? I fumbled for my phone, relieved when I located it almost straight away. “Let me put it in my phone, and then I can give you a call so you’ve got mine.”
I was all fingers and thumbs as I carried out what should have been a simple task. Eventually, I managed to save the number, CJ’s phone coming alive with some pop tune I didn’t recognize when I pressed call.
He ended the call, and that sense of awkwardness crept in once more. Both of us standing there. Neither of us looking at the other. Or at least that was how it seemed when I risked a quick glance in his direction. Why was this so hard? Say something, Nathan. But, what? Hey, this thing between us. I know it’s only been a few days and it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve kind of fallen for you. How about it?
How would CJ respond? I imagined his brow wrinkling slightly and him saying, oh, and then nothing else. CJ was the kind of guy who followed someone and propositioned them just because they’d made eye contact for a few seconds. Therefore, if he wanted to say something, he’d say it, right? Which meant there was no other conclusion I could come to except to assume that in his mind, we’d been nothing more than two men making the most of having been stuck together.
“CJ…”
“Nathan…”
We both laughed at having spoken at the same time. Heart clamoring in my chest, I waved a hand in a gesture for him to continue. “You first.”
CJ held his phone up. “I was just going to say that I’ve got a phone call I need to make, so I hope you’ll forgive me for not waving you off.” To punctuate his words, he backed toward the door, the gap that had opened up between us feeling like a chasm.
“Oh, right. Of course. You do what you need to do.” Was that it? No kiss. No hug. No… nothing.
CJ took another step back before pausing. “What were you going to say?”
I shrugged, my shoulders feeling stiff. “I don’t remember.” The lie sat heavy in my chest. I’d been going to tell him how I felt. But with CJ so eager to escape, it was obvious it would be a wasted effort.
“Right.” He half turned, his fingers curling around the door handle. “I’ll call you.”
“Sure.”
And then he was gone, the door closing in his wake.
The journey to hotel reception, and the conversation that accompanied checking out, happened in autopilot. As did getting into the driving seat of the rental car for the first time in days. I got as far as fastening the seatbelt before I found myself staring out of the window, my gaze drifting in the direction of the cabins.
I needed to start the engine and put my foot on the accelerator. It was a simple task. One I’d done hundreds of times before. Yet, I couldn’t seem to convince my brain to get on board with the idea.
“I’ll call you.” Would he? Or was it just one of those things you said? An easy way to fob me off before I started spouting feelings all over him. He’d certainly brought an abrupt end to saying goodbye. And then there was the cold, hard logic he’d produced when I’d suggested staying another day.
Would I call him? I pulled my phone out and scrolled to where I’d inputted CJ’s number to check I hadn’t imagined it. But no, there it was. I sighed. I knew myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t make the first move. And what if CJ did call? The last hour between us had been awkward as hell. What was to say a phone conversation would be any different? Where was that going to get us?
I slumped down in my seat and closed my eyes as little snapshots of the last few days played like a video in my head. That first glimpse of CJ. Looking up to find CJ standing at the other side of the table holding out the beer bottle. Sex that first night. Working on the polar bear together. Eating breakfast every day. Dancing. Kissing under the mistletoe. Laughing while we played Trivial Pursuit. His exuberance, the way he’d spun me around after seeing the bobcat. His smile. His mouth on my cock. His moans. Waking up next to him. Holding his hand.
Everything.
I opened my eyes, the pain in my chest having reached a crescendo. I didn’t feel like the same man I’d been a few days ago. I felt reborn. How long had it been? I did a quick calculation in my head. Five days. And then I laughed, the conversation with Lee back in London coming to the fore. What was it I’d said to him when I’d been arguing my point? Something about how my characters wouldn’t change in five days, that that just didn’t happen in real life.
God, I’d been full of shit. Karma had really done a number on me, hadn’t it? It had gone all out to prove me wrong. And I could see it now, how I’d written the characters all wrong, how I’d stripped all the emotion from them. But at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to care. It was just a book. Just words on a page that might bring some people pleasure.
Whereas CJ… I took a deep breath and then released it slowly as I forced myself to confront the truth of the situation. I loved CJ. I was in love with CJ. It might be ridiculous within the space of five days, but that didn’t stop it from being irrevocably true. I’d met a man and I’d fallen in love with him within the space of a few days. The question was, what was I going to do about it? Was I really going to just drive away?
But then, what was the alternative? To go back to CJ’s cabin and spill my guts, to risk a rejection? I forced myself to think it through. I could handle rejection, right? At least that way I’d know one way or another. Surely, that was better than sitting and waiting for a call that might never come? I forced myself to examine the evidence, to do what CJ was always urging me to do, to go by my instincts instead of waiting for words.
If I scrubbed this morning out of the equation and went solely on CJ’s actions, how could he not feel the same? All his body language pointed to the fact that it wasn’t just sex between us, that we’d been building more. It was in his smile. It was in his willingness to spend time with me. It was in the way we spent the night in each other’s arms. It was all there.
A tap on the window had me jerking to the right to seek out the source of the interruption. CJ? Had he followed me? Elation quickly turned to disappointment as I saw the man standing there. Not CJ. Bryan. I wound the window down, Bryan stooping so he could peer in, his smile as amiable as ever. “Everything alright?”
I stared at him. “Sure. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“I couldn’t help noticing that you’ve been sitting here for a while. I was worried you might have car trouble. I can call someone for you, if you need me to?”
How long had I been sitting here? It didn’t seem like there should be a time limit on having an epiphany, though. I shook my head. “The car’s fine.” At least I assumed it was. It wasn’t like I’d gotten as far as starting the engine. “Thanks.”
Bryan nodded. “Well, safe journey to wherever it is you’re going. Sorry about the avalanche forcing you into an extended stay and derailing your Christmas plans.” He lifted a hand in farewell as he backed away from the window and turned to go back into the hotel.
I wasn’t sorry. Without the avalanche, my time with CJ would have been nothing more than one night—a memory of a time where I’d been momentarily brave. And that was what was required now, wasn’t it? More bravery. I scrolled past CJ’s number to find the one I needed, lifting it to my ear as it started to ring. I’d spoken to my dad on Christmas Day, but I’d only sent him a text today to let him know that the road had been cleared and I was on my way.
He answered on the fourth ring. “Hi, Son. Don’t tell me the road is still blocked after all.”
I smiled. “I assume it’s fine. I haven’t seen anyone return to the hotel.” Plus, Bryan would have mentioned it. “Listen, how would you feel about me bringing someone with me?” I readjusted my grip on my phone, my palms sweaty.
“Like a man?”
I laughed at the surprise in my dad’s voice. “Yes, like a man.”
“You met someone?” His voice had gotten higher.
“Maybe.”
“What does maybe mean? You either have or you haven’t.”
I leaned forward, my head meeting the steering wheel with a thunk. “It’s complicated. We haven’t really talked properly. It’s kind of been a whirlwind thing.” Understatement of the day. “I’m hoping he might want to spend some more time with me, but obviously I didn’t want to just turn up with him in tow in case you weren’t on board with the idea.” I felt like a pre-pubescent teenager asking his dad for permission to go on a date. And I was setting myself up for one hell of an explanation if he okayed it and CJ said no. “He might not come. I just wanted to check it was okay to ask him.”
“Of course, it is. I can’t wait to meet the man who actually got you to notice him.”
I laughed. “He’s very noticeable.”
“What time do you think you’ll get here? We assumed you’d already set off.”
I glanced at the clock on the dashboard. It had been an hour since I’d last seen CJ, and it already felt like the longest hour of my life. “I don’t know. I have to go and do this thing.” A wearing my heart on my sleeve thing that made me feel like I could vomit.
“Okay. Well, we’re looking forward to seeing you, and to hopefully meeting your young man.”
I rolled my eyes at my dad’s slightly antiquated phrasing. “See you soon, Dad.”
“Bye, Nathan.”
I ended the call and then turned my gaze to the path leading to the cabins. What if CJ was already out somewhere taking photos? Then… I’d damn well find him. I was going to do this if it was the last thing I did. If I was wrong and he didn’t want me, then he could pay me the courtesy of saying it to my face. Undoing my seatbelt and leaving my coat in the car, I stepped out of it and locked it. Then, I set off down the path I’d not long since traveled.
Should I have rehearsed some sort of speech? Or was it better that it would be authentic? Assuming I could actually get the words to leave my mouth, that was. Perhaps I should have at least considered my opening gambit. Except, it was too late, because I’d already reached CJ’s cabin. It was tempting to peer through the window first, but I didn’t want him looking up and seeing me there like some sort of peeping tom. My hand was trembling as I knocked on the door, my heart thumping against my ribs hard enough to feel like a brass band in my chest. I could do this. I would do this.
The door swung open, and there he was, with an understandable look of confusion on his face. “Nathan! Did you forget something?”
“Yeah, I did.” Buoyed by the elation of seeing him again, I pushed past him without waiting for an invitation. I walked over to the opposite side of the cabin, figuring the farther from the door I was, the harder it would be for him to throw me out. I waited for the door to close and for CJ to be facing me before I spoke. “I forgot to say some things. Some things that are pretty important to me, and that I’ll regret if I leave without saying them.”
“I thought you’d already left.”
“I… er… didn’t get any farther than the car park. Anyway… that doesn’t matter.” I held up a hand, my fingers still less than steady. I lowered it back to my side before CJ could notice. “Can you let me talk? And even if it’s not what you want to hear, can you let me get to the end of it? I’m not great at saying what’s on my mind. I’m far better at writing things down.” Damn it! Why hadn’t I thought of that? I glanced around the cabin for paper and a pen. There was no sign of either. But then, what was I going to do, make CJ sit there while I wrote him a letter just because it was easier for me? I just needed to say it. “These last five days have been good. Really, really, good.”
“They have.” I glared at CJ for interrupting, and he held his hands up in mock surrender. “Sorry.”
“And I know it’s only been five days, which isn’t very long in the whole scheme of things, and ironically I realized is the same length of time that book four spans.” I shook my head. I was rambling. “But even so, I couldn’t walk away from here without… admitting how I feel.” CJ went still, his eyes wide. Was that a good sign or a bad sign? “You’re…” I swallowed. “You’re amazing. And gorgeous. And hot. And fun. You’re fantastic company, and you get me to do things I wouldn’t normally dream of doing. You’re passionate about what you do. And in bed…” I let out a low whistle. “What I’m trying to say, and probably making a complete hash of it, is that…” The three words I wanted to say just wouldn’t come. “I don’t want to leave here today wondering if you’re going to call or not, and not having enough courage to do it first. And if you do call, what will that make us anyway? Friends who talk occasionally on the phone? I don’t want that. And I don’t want it to be awkward like it was between us this morning.”
I paused to peek at CJ. He was way too still. He may as well have been hewn out of marble for all the animation that existed in his body. I’d gone too far to back down, though. The only way forward was to keep forging on. “I was in my car and I just couldn’t drive away, not without telling you that…” It was like banging into the same brick wall.
“Telling me what?”
I took a deep breath. “That I love you. I know it’s ridiculous because it’s been five days and we were only meant to be a one-night stand. Nothing more. But I can’t help the way I feel. And you probably don’t feel the same. Which is fine. But at least I’ve said it.”
“It’s not ridiculous.”
“No?” I studied CJ’s face as he stepped toward me.
He gave the tiniest shake of his head as he came to a stop. “No. Not at all. I think…” A slight smile played on his lips. “I think I knew I could fall for you on that very first night I met you. That’s why I followed you.”
I stared at him. “And did you?” I held my breath while I waited for the answer.
He nodded. “Yeah. That’s why I know it’s not ridiculous to fall for someone that quickly. Because it happened to me too.”
My chest filled with a lightness that was all encompassing. I felt like I could float up to the ceiling. Nothing else mattered if CJ felt the same. Except… “But you were going to let me leave. I even offered to stay another day and you talked me out of it.”
CJ grimaced. “I figured an extra day would just delay the inevitable and make it even more painful. It’s like ripping off a sticking plaster, isn’t it? Quick is always better than slow. I couldn’t even risk waving you off in case I decided to throw myself in front of the car at the last moment.”
“Did you have a phone call to make?”
He shook his head and looked guilty. “No.”
I laughed. We were both too ridiculous for words. I poked him in the chest. “You’re meant to be the brave one.”
