All the Stars Align, page 24
Diana lets out a low whistle. “How did it feel to admit that out loud?”
“I’m terrified? What if my aunts hate me? What if they treat me like they do my mom? What if Fate hates me because I’m disabled? What if I’m not really part of this family?”
Diana holds up her hands and jumps off the prep table. She grabs my shoulders and forces me to look at her. “Okay, at least a few of those are some maaaajor catastrophic thinking.”
“Those are some big words.”
“Therapy—my mom made me go post-divorce, but turns out they know what they’re doing … Why do you care about your aunts so much?”
“Because they have these epic lives—the store, their love stories … It’s all these pieces that just make them happy. I want to feel like I belong to something bigger and not like I’m the only one standing alone in every room I’m in.”
“Well, you have me, and I’m pretty sure your parents, because they’re the cool parents.”
I choke on a laugh. My parents are the cool ones?
“I mean, I haven’t been the best friend you need. You’re dating someone and you didn’t even tell me.”
She glares at me and I shut my mouth. “And friendship isn’t always equal, right? Like sometimes you have bigger shit and sometimes it’s me, so it’s never fifty-fifty. And maybe I was angry at you and Leo.”
“What—” I start, but she holds up a hand to stop me.
“Friendship isn’t equal—okay, yeah, I know, but you two have always been closer. And then everything happened and you were both sad and it was like, Wow I’m not enough for either of you. I had you being all morose and Leo hiding his feelings with a new group of friends every night. I just … I needed someone to look after me. Lauren somehow did that.”
I’m happy for her and how things changed for her—from hate to love. The thing is I know I’ll never have that because I know that Forest is my person and suddenly I’m angry with Fate.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“It’s fine, I mean—I get it. Like I said, it’s not an even split. And I got Lauren out of it.”
“Were you ever gonna tell me?” I ask.
Diana shrugs. “It never felt like the right time. You and Leo had so much going on … It felt weird to just butt in and be like—Look who I now like kissing! Look how good my life is!—when both of you were sort of falling apart.”
“I would have been happy for you—confused, maybe, but if you were happy then I’d be happy.” I pick up the dress and bring it over to her.
“I just felt bad because you weren’t happy. I’m not sure you’re happy now.”
“I—” But the words die. Diana just nods her head; she knows what I was going to say.
“Forest, the store, even business school—those don’t make you happy. I’ve seen you happy.”
There’s a knock at the door and I snap my mouth shut. “Come in,” Diana says. Lauren, of all people, sticks her head through the door. She sees me and can’t decide between a scowl and a smile.
“You ready?” she asks Diana.
“Do you have the—” But Diana can’t even finish the sentence before Lauren pulls two photos from her binder. Diana takes them and hands them to me.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“Proof, because I know you,” Diana says, tapping me on the forehead. “I know when you are not happy. That second photo is not you happy.”
The two photos are from camp—one in sixth grade, our smiles ridiculous and our joy contagious. The other is the one we took on the senior trip. Forest, Leo, and I are all a strained sort of happy. Smiles a little too tight, eyes with not enough sparkle. It stands out all the more because Diana is there, really and truly happy.
FOREST
Love to.
Friday?
Chapter Twenty-nine
The rest of the week passes by—and I try to take Diana’s words to heart. What makes me happy? She slowly fills me in on how she and Lauren fell for each other. When I try to talk to her about Forest and Leo, she stops me—because it’s not someone else’s opinion I need but one of my own.
The date was my idea, so I take charge of planning it. There are many options—the aunts think I should take Forest to Dad’s restaurant, truly make this a family affair. I don’t want either of my parents looking over my shoulder for this moment. Because we—Forest and I—have to stand on our own. I need to know what I feel when it’s just me and him.
I text Forest to meet me at the park near my house. New memories, new ideas, letting go of what I thought was true.
I walk up to the park, marveling at the flowers. Spring is like that here: you turn your back for one second and we go from doom and gloom to a riot of color. Lavender and poppies poke up around the park, mixing in with plenty of dandelions. Everything smells fresh.
I eye the swings, trying to figure out where to set up for this date. The swings feels like the most natural spot to me, but I stop because that was always where I met Leo.
Instead I pick out the merry-go-round, gently spinning myself around, letting the world fall to a smear of color. I stop myself when Forest walks up, his black hair standing out against the color of the flowers. The ride slows and then stops, leaving us in front of each other.
Forest holds up a white paper bag, like it’s a prize worth millions. “I brought the goods.”
“And it is…?” I ask when it’s clear he thinks I’ll know what he brought.
Forest places a hand to his heart. “Ah, my dear Piper, this is an East Side delicacy.”
“Well, then you are going to have to educate me.”
“These cookies are legitimately the best thing you will taste.”
I raise an eyebrow. There is a pretty high bar for all things baked goods in my book. The cookies that come out of my father’s kitchen are not to be missed. “I’ll be the judge of that.”
Forest holds out the bag and I reach in to get one. He focuses on me as I bite into the cookie, looking for the slightest change in my expression. “Well?”
“Don’t tell my dad, but that’s really, really good.”
“Right?”
“How have I never had one of these?”
“Because you spend too much time on the West Side.” We sit in silence eating the best cookies I’ve ever had. Forest’s gaze tracks around the park and I can’t help but talk about how I’ve always come here. This has always been a place that’s special to me … because.
Forest’s eyes come back to me as if he can sense I was about to talk about Leo. “Special because…?”
“It’s just been a place where I meet a lot of friends,” I say, but thinking about Leo has me analyzing the situation. How does this moment with Forest compare to the millions of moments I’ve had here with Leo?
Forest presses his lips together and I wonder if he can sense my thoughts. Does he know this is where Leo and I grew up together? That I want to write over all the memories I have with Leo with memories of me and Forest?
But they’re just …
It all feels like that picture from camp. Tired. Strained. Forced.
“That’s a funny name,” Forest says, nodding toward the old wooden sign surrounded by wildflowers. I could kiss him for the subject change.
I’ve never seen the sign before—or rather, I’ve seen it so many times that I don’t see it anymore; it’s just a part of the park. Fait.
“You know Crescent Falls—everything is related to Fate, even if we can’t spell.”
“That’s French—it means fact if we’re talking a noun, but it’s also a verb, to do. Or like the saying fait accompli—it’s already done.”
“You take French?”
“Pour les quatre dernières années.”
My eyebrows raise. That was not what I was expecting.
“What?” he says. “I know, probably not the smartest language to take.” He says it with a shrug. I know that I should want to push him on this. Know more, delve deeper. And yet, I can’t force the words out of my mouth.
“I guess I have a lot to learn about you.”
“So much.”
A lump forms in my throat made of fear and hope. This is what Leo and Diana and even Mom have been trying to tell me: this is my choice—and it needs to be what makes me happy. I want to love Forest—I want to make memories like the ones my aunts talk about.
“Tell me something about you,” he says, reaching out and taking my hand. “You know so much about me.”
“Do you know about my family?” I ask, risking everything. Because I can’t live with the Blessing hanging over my head.
“I mean, I know them … Is there something else?”
I focus on my hands, the way they look different. Bodies are supposed to be symmetrical, the same on either side, and yet here I am: one body but two different sides. And then as if it’s just the same. Perhaps the answer to whether or not I belong with my family was right in front of me all along.
Just like Forest.
I should tell him about Fate, the Blessing, this thing we’re both caught up in. Maybe it would bring us together in ways that I can only imagine. But sitting here in this park where I have so many memories of me and Leo—I don’t want to cover those up. Or rewrite them, or give them up.
I want more of them. More time with Leo.
He leans in and thanks to Leo’s lessons—the ones in this very park—I know the kiss will happen, and I don’t fight it. Don’t lean in or out of it. I just want to experience this. Forest’s lips skim over mine. Hesitant, like he’s unsure if this is what I want. And I hate that I don’t know if I want this.
All I feel is the Blessing coursing through me and all I want is Leo. The sense that love is here, that what is growing between me and Forest is everything. But it’s not enough.
I pull back and the stars shine in Forest’s blue eyes. He looks at me like my dad looks at my mom, like how all my aunts’ partners look at their spouses. That this can be our world. Just us.
* * *
The date was fine … but not what I wanted it to be. I get home and don’t feel like facing Mom. I know she’ll be supportive, want to know how it went, but I can’t bring myself to tell her how I feel. She’ll try and talk me out of it—out of Forest.
Instead I take the keys and send her a quick text to say I’m going out.
The aunts all live within two blocks of each other. It was Mom, of course, who branched out. Aunt Helena’s Queen Anne–style house looms between the treetops, ever the watchful eye over her sisters’ houses.
Aunt Mari’s house is small. It’s only one level, but mimics the same sort of trim and coloring of Aunt Helena’s—part of the family in so many ways, I guess. The lights are on inside, but Aunt Mari sits on the porch, her bare feet propped up on the railing, a drawing tablet on her lap.
Where Aunt Helena’s house is formal from the gardens to the decor, Aunt Mari has let things run a bit wild. There’s order but, much like Mom, it’s more than a little bit chaotic. Plants spring up over the white-picket fence and tumble onto the cobblestone path leading to her door.
Of all my family, I spent the most time with Aunt Mari growing up because she and Mom were close. It was always Aunt Mari who could talk Mom into photographing her jewelry creations for the store.
“And to what do I owe this honor?” Aunt Mari says, planting both feet on the floor. She doesn’t even let me get up a few steps before enfolding me in a hug. I wrap my arms around her and inhale her scent of vanilla and basil. Tendrils of hair escape her bun and tickle my cheek.
“Can we talk?”
“Uh-oh, Helena or your mother?” she asks, sitting back down.
“Surprisingly neither? It’s about Forest.” Unable to meet my aunt’s gaze, I stare at my nails, chipping off any remaining polish. “Did you always know Uncle Elliott was the one?”
Aunt Mari drums her fingers on her drawing paper as if she’s trying to decide what to tell me. With a quick look at the house, she leans closer to me. “Okay, I’m going to tell you this, but you have to take it to your grave.”
My eyes widen. And it’s all I can do to nod.
“Elliott wasn’t my first love.”
To say that my jaw hit the floor is doing a disservice to the shock I feel. I can’t even scream. All this time and Aunt Mari is just now telling me this. Not every Hadley believes in no dating before they find the one, but none of them have ever taken those relationships seriously—at least not serious enough to call it love.
“Who?” I ask when my voice finally returns.
“His name was Gabe.” There’s a note of longing in her voice, tinged with sadness. She sniffs and pushes a strand of hair behind her ear. “I love my family—Elliott and my kids—but Gabe was someone else.”
“How’d you meet?”
“We were both backpacking through Europe—fell in together. It was one of those Maybe this could be it. I wanted it to be so badly. He had so many dreams for us—opening our own store. He was an engraver, did all of these really intricate designs. I bought one a few years back. Then I put it back in the box and donated it. For a time, I thought I would just leave Fate and Crescent Falls behind. I could just believe in what he saw for us. Your mom and I talked about it a lot—just doing our own thing, forget Fate. I loved him…”
“But you didn’t choose him?”
“One day I walked into a tattoo shop and there was Elliott.” She makes a motion with her hand as if to say fait accompli. It’s already done. The thin line of her mouth holds back so much. Tears shine in her eyes and I wonder what life for her would have been like had she turned her back on Elliott for the dreams she and Gabe were building.
I thought this Blessing was the best way to find love, but it seems like there are unforeseen pitfalls.
I thunk my head back against the chair. There’s been so much I’ve been wrong about. My family. The Blessing. Fate.
“I still think about him every day—of the life we could have had.” She looks out at her unruly garden. Aunt Mari reaches across the space and takes my hand, giving it a squeeze. “I’ve been wrestling with this since you met Forest—because I see how you are with Leo. I don’t want you to live with my regrets.”
Chapter Thirty
The next day I show up for work, but I don’t go in right away. Instead I walk down the street and around the pool, looking at the falls.
I smack the water, sending waves over my feet, soaking everything, even the hem of my pants. I don’t care; I’m too angry. I want to scream at Fate for putting me here, for all of this. I think I was about to climb into the pool and hunt Fate down to give her a piece of my mind when strong hands pull me back from the edge.
“Piper—Pipes, it’s okay.” Dad has me by the shoulders, trying to get me to focus on him. My breath comes out in a deep shudders, dragging every emotion up with it. There was nothing wrong with my date with Forest. In fact, I enjoyed myself. Forest is funny and charming. We had a good time. I just wanted … something. I don’t know what that is, but there was something missing. Mom was still up when I came back from Aunt Mari’s, and she wanted to know how it all went. I just shrugged. I knew she wanted to press the issue, make it into something. But I just wanted to hold on to my family.
But all the while I can’t get Leo’s words out of my head.
“I can’t … I can’t…”
Dad folds me into a hug, his tattooed arms closing in around me. “It’s okay. We’re okay.”
He walks with me down the street and when I start to turn toward Hadley’s Treasures, he pulls a parent move and directs me away. “We’re not going there.” He looks pointedly down at my shoes and my pants.
Instead he takes me to Piper & Nea and sits me down at the bar while he starts futzing with the very expensive espresso machine.
“Here,” he says, setting a latte in front of me.
“So you know how to make a latte but not brew coffee?”
“Would you rather have tea? I know that’s usual for these sorts of things. But I’m afraid I only have some old boxed stuff.”
“This is great.”
He throws a towel over his shoulder and braces his arms on the bar. “You want to talk about it?” I catch his slight wince. Dad’s still not with it on all things parenting, but he’s trying. I focus on my latte. I’m not even sure what it was fully about. There’s just this anger in me—that I am doing everything right … and it’s not enough to feel whole.
“I heard from your mother that you had a date.”
“Yeah…” I say.
“It can be hard. Dating with the Blessing, it feels like you’re going to turn yourself inside out to try and be what this person wants. But is it who you really are?”
“Are you also on Mom’s side of this?”
“We may have talked about it at lunch.” He fixes me with a hard stare. I do not even try to meet his gaze. Mom was more direct with her scolding, but Dad is only here if I want to go into that.
“Was it a nice meal?”
“It was a reminder that when we were good, we were very good. But…”
“Tell me.”
“Love’s not always enough to make a marriage work.”
I hear him, and those are the same words Mom said. And hearing it again, now from both parties, makes it real. He was always my hope that they could find their way back to each other. The one who didn’t seem to want to give up on what they had.
“Can I ask you a question—not about earlier?” Dad asks. He leans back against the counter and crosses his arms over his chest.
“Sure.”
“Would it be okay if I came to your graduation party?”
Graduation party? What graduation party? Mom has mentioned a few things to me, but mostly in the vague we-need-to-start-planning-this-at-some-point sort of way. I still don’t think she’s accepted that I am graduating this year. Or that college is imminent.
“Piper?” Dad says and I realize that I haven’t moved in a good minute.
“What graduation party? I mean, clearly you’re invited … but I’m not sure I was?” I press my hands into the wood, still trying to piece it all together,
