Art of Love, page 15
Or I could tell him.
Telling him would instantly rob myself of any chance I had for myself.
“I’m okay,” I answered and left.
Time to speak to John.
***
John was in his office.
I was surprised he was here on a Sunday afternoon, but then it was just like him to be here working. Since there was next to no traffic on the road, it didn’t take me long to get here.
He smiled when he saw me.
When I called him, he’d said to come straight up when I got here.
“I was beginning to wonder when I’d see you.” He pointed toward the empty chair in front of him for me to sit.
The last time I was in here was that first day when I’d found out Hunter was my competition.
“John, I’m not sure if I imagined the answers to those last clues. I kind of hope I did.”
He chuckled. “Why’s that, my girl?”
“Can you just confirm for me, so I don’t jump to conclusions?”
“Fire away.”
I swallowed hard and pulled in a deep breath. “I heard a jingle in the soundtrack for the Pieces of Purple exhibition, and I remembered you saying to me before I left that your life changed forever in 1999. You said the whole year was bad, so I take it the worst thing must have happened to you then.”
Although he smiled, there was a sadness in his eyes. The kind I recognized in my own. The sadness caused by loss.
“Spot on and well-remembered. One of the things I loved most about you is that you listen. That is why I gave you the advantage on the off chance that you’d get it.”
“John, there was a chance that I would have missed that completely. What would have happened then?”
“It’s simple. Neither of you would have gotten the job. I told you both this year was a little different to any other. I would prefer to have no intern at all than one who doesn’t gel well with the company.”
“So... what was it? I would have to ask you to get the answer. That’s what you said, that you’d be able to talk about it one day. Is today that day?” When I thought how eccentric John was, I knew it would be just like him to pull a stunt like this.
In fact, the more I thought about it and looked at him, the more I could see I was right. When he nodded, my heart squeezed.
“Jia, I’m a very private person, but I think when I first met you, I saw a little bit of myself in you. I would never assume to know a person, and when they give no information, sometimes that’s everything you need to know. The only family you ever spoke about was your brother and your niece. It was clear they were everything to you. In get-togethers you never mentioned your mother, father, or anybody else, and I think you know by now that I keep my core team the way they are so we can be close. You were with us for well over a year before you left, but there was always that barrier, even with the ones you got close to.”
He was talking about Stephan, and he was right. What he was saying was right. I never let people in, end of story. That wall came up the other night when Hunter asked me about my father and Christmas.
“I don’t mean to be that way.” I sighed.
“No one does, but things happen to make us more careful with our hearts. We don’t want to go through pain. Certain types of pain are worse than others. For me, it nearly destroyed me, and indeed my life changed forever. So, here is the answer to your question. In 1999, my brother died of a drug overdose.”
I sucked in a sharp breath and gazed at him. “Oh God, John. I’m so sorry... I’m sorry. I...” I didn’t know he’d had a brother.
“He was... well, my father had another family. Let’s just put it that way. He was part of the main family, and I was the bastard child. The outcast who had no one.”
I blinked several times. He could have been talking about me. He could have been talking about me, and he hit a nerve so deep inside me that I could barely breathe.
I was my father’s bastard child. I was the outcast.
John continued talking. “I had nothing growing up, but my mom did her best. My father made it clear to her that he wanted nothing to do with us, and if she ever went near him or his family again, he’d have her arrested for stalking him. It wouldn’t have been hard for him to do something like that because he was a judge. Of course, she stayed away, and she really did try her best for me and took care of me the best way she knew how, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t until I was in my late teens that my brother came to find me. He found out about me and wanted to know me. I was a mess back then, getting in and out of all kinds of trouble with the law, but he whipped my ass in gear and started doing for me what my father never did.”
He pulled in a breath and stared down at the patterns on the marble floor.
I watched and listened, eager for him to continue. When he looked back at me, tears glassed his eyes.
“He put me through school and helped me to get what I wanted for myself. There wasn’t a thing he wouldn’t have done for me. Then he met someone. She was a drug addict and got him hooked. I always felt like that was my time to help him, but I couldn’t, and I couldn’t save him. No one could. We used to joke around to Prince’s songs. We were both crazy together. When that 1999 song came out, I thought it was fitting, but not for celebration because nothing good happened that year; it just reminded me of him. When he died, my world ended, and it took me years to rebuild myself. Mom died well before him, and all I had was my brother. Just like you. I didn’t need you to tell me that. I knew because I saw you in me, and that was why I understood when you left to take care of your niece.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I did my best to wipe them away, but they kept coming.
John got up and handed me a box of Kleenex.
“Thank you for sharing that with me.” I thought I should show how appreciative I was because I knew how difficult it was for him to talk about that.
“You don’t have to thank me, Jia.”
“I still miss him.”
“I miss mine too.”
“It’s unfair. When I think about it, Todd was all I had left. The only person left to take care of me, and I loved him so much. Then he was taken from me, just like that. Then my second love got taken from me.”
“Art.” John offered a kind smile.
“I hate saying it like that because there wasn’t anything Todd wouldn’t do for me. He always made sure he did something every day to make me feel important. We were so poor, and we didn’t have anything, yet he did everything he could to make me see I was special to him. I wasn’t the thing my father called me, or the nothing he made me out to be. Todd would have given his life for me, so it was easy to give up my dreams to make sure my niece got the best too.”
God... I didn’t want to open my heart anymore. The pain I kept there was too much.
John kneeled down and took my hand.
“That doesn’t mean you should be a robot and not feel some form of regret. Jia, when I gave that clue, I honestly didn’t expect you to find it. I hoped you would. I really did, and you did.”
“But that was unfair to Hunter.” My voice was so weak it was barely audible.
“Maybe, but I gave you the information to decide what you want to do with it. You can keep it to yourself, and of course, he wouldn’t know that the last element I want you to focus on is death. All of it is Impasso. The happiness I experienced as a child when I first saw Labyrinth. It sparked creativity and vision in my soul, and the thing that changed in me after my brother’s death. Happiness and loss, both are at opposite ends of the spectrum, but are a part of life. It’s the balance of good and bad. That is my vision as an artist. Those are the emotions I work with when I create something. Since we’re kind of similar, I expect to see a fabulous portfolio from you.” He smiled.
I sucked in a breath, trying to steady my heart when I thought of Hunter. I wasn’t wrong about Hunter being more talented than me. I knew I wasn’t, and suddenly, this felt like that situation where you had someone who would be fantastic at the job and deserved it, and on the other hand, there was someone who might be good at the job and they needed it.
The latter felt like me. I knew I was good, and this really was my dream, but I wasn’t fantastic. Not for Impasso. Maybe for my own thing, which would probably never happen. But I needed the job.
Hunter was fantastic.
“John...”
He shook his head. “I can’t help you with anything else, Jia.”
“Why?”
“Because only you can decide if your feelings for him are more valuable than what I’ve given you.” There was a twinkle in his eyes that told me he knew about Hunter and me. We’d tried to keep our relationship hidden, but maybe we didn’t try hard enough.
“You know?”
He chuckled. “My dear girl, you forget I’m married and completely obsessed with my wife. I know love when I see it.”
Love...
Wasn’t it funny how I thought about love earlier? In that moment, as I sat next to Hunter on the sofa and I realized I had the thing he was looking for, I saw how eager he was to find the answers to what we searched. It hit me like a bolt of lightning that I loved him.
“I’m old, and maybe from a different time, when things were a little more straight forward, but I see the way he looks at you. It’s love.” He chuckled.
Wait... he was talking about Hunter.
“I thought you were talking about me.”
“Unfortunately, that guard you put up to keep people out stops a person from reading you. I can see you like him, and now I see it’s more than that. The fact that we’re having this conversation tells me it’s more than that, but my dear, I was talking about him.”
“I don’t know what to do.” I shook my head and brought my hands up to my cheeks.
“Think of the info I gave you as an Easter egg in a game. Like Ready, Player One, which I loved by the way. Except this is different. You tell him, and you both present your portfolio to me in three weeks, and then I’ll have to choose. There’s still a chance I could choose you, but there’s a chance I won’t. I’ve helped you enough. Don’t make me choose between two artists I like, and don’t ask me why I can’ have the both of you. It’s just not the way I work.”
There was sadness in his eyes as he said that.
“I... understand.”
“You should also know that if did choose you, it wouldn’t be an internship. I’d want you to stay. Permanently. I don’t have to tell you how rare me doing that is.”
While I felt like my body had just slipped into some alternate dimension, he gave my hand a gentle squeeze.
I couldn’t believe what he’d just said. I really couldn’t believe it.
He’d want to keep me.
God, that just made this so much harder.
“Thank you, I... appreciate all you’ve done for me, and the talk.”
He gave me a curt nod and another squeeze to my hand.
Decisions, decisions, love and pain.... Loss.
But what would I lose this time?
Chapter 20
Jia
***
I went to the park outside my apartment, not wanting to go back to Hunter’s just yet.
Or maybe not tonight.
I was here not because of the decision I struggled with, but because I felt numb from all that had happened to me.
I guess I knew some form of loss was on the horizon for me, but this time, I got to pick—or rather orchestrate—the way it would happen.
I knew that in three weeks, John would pick Hunter.
That day when Hunter and I did that first painting session was like a prelude to what was to come. My meteor storm in the trees was great, but Hunter’s depiction of the English countryside in abstract form was phenomenal. It took a special kind of artist to use the right shapes and colors, tones, everything to make you see something that was there and was what it was, but you knew it could be something else. It was a trick of the eyes.
Hunter had that hands down, and that could only come with true talent. Definitely that.
So... my decision...
I was going to tell him all that I knew, because that was fair and... I loved him. I loved him enough to want him to get the job.
As for me I ...
I was sick of losing, of being in this position where it felt like reality was slipping away from me. Tears streamed down my cheeks again.
I hated crying. I hated it, but today was one day where I just wanted the tears to fall.
Footsteps sounded nearby, and I looked up to see Stephan coming toward me.
I tried to dry my face because I really didn’t want him to see me cry.
He came and sat next to me and handed me a small packet of tissues.
I took them and dabbed at my cheeks and the corners of my eyes.
“Thank you.”
“This is just a visit, a friendly visit. I haven’t been here in a while.” He offered me a kind smile.
When I looked at him, I wondered if my great efforts to shut people out was the reason why he’d cheated on me.
“Thanks for coming.”
“You okay?” He leaned close and brushed against my shoulder.
I shook my head. “Not by a long shot.”
“Last time I saw you look so distraught was when I saw you in Atlanta after Todd’s funeral.”
I looked at him. I didn’t think I could express to anyone how badly I’d needed him that day. That day, I didn’t know what I needed until he’d arrived. His presence made me forgive him.
“I kind of feel the same way.”
“Is it Hunter? Please don’t tell me he hurt you the way I did.”
“No.” I would never say to him that Hunter would never do that because he told me he wouldn’t.
“Good. I don’t want you hurt like that again.” His voice held an edge of sadness that gripped me.
I pressed my lips together and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
“Stephan...” I was about to ask a question that didn’t really matter to me in the way it was going to sound. I was asking for other reasons. “Was it because I shut you out, why you... well, cheated? You said we never confirmed that we were together. I thought we were, but there must have been a reason why you thought we weren’t. Was it that?”
He blinked, then held my gaze. Then he looked ashamed. “No.”
I looked away from him. “You just cheated because you wanted to.”
That was the answer.
“I am sorry, Jia. I know it’s unforgiveable, and I wish I could take it back. I didn’t know what I lost until I lost you. When I went to Atlanta to see you, I didn’t know if you’d want to see me because we weren’t talking, but it didn’t matter. Sometimes you just have to be there for people, even if it’s not you they want. Like now.”
A solemn expression filled his handsome face.
“You always seem to come at the time when I need someone.”
“Well, maybe I can be that friend for you. Will you tell me what’s wrong?”
“I wish I could be happy.”
“Hunter makes you happy. Asshole. I’m jealous of him with his stupid accent, but he makes you happy.”
I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t. “John just handed me something that could change the game for me.”
Stephan’s eyes widened. “What will you do?”
“I won’t use it against Hunter, but I think that when decision time comes, John will pick him. He suits Impasso, Stephan. He has the same vision and that eccentricity everyone has. I can see it.”
“You do too,” he offered.
“Stephan, tell me, you’ve seen his work and you’ve seen mine. Who would you pick?”
The rigid look on his face told me what he thought. His answer.
Once again, he wouldn’t pick me.
A tear ran down my cheek. He reached out and caught it.
“You’re an amazing woman, Jia. I think you’re amazing, but I won’t lie to you again.”
“I can’t stay in L.A. I think I’ll go back to Atlanta after... you know.”
“You could stay with me and look for another job. L.A.’s the pace to be for art.”
I shook my head. “I wouldn’t have the strength for it. I didn’t have the strength for this. It was Hunter who gave me that boost of energy. We worked well together. When I first got here, I was a mess, but he balanced me.”
“What about Hunter?”
“No, I wouldn’t want to impose that way and make him feel bad for getting the job over me.”
He stroked my cheek and leaned forward to plant a kiss there.
“I get it. Come here.” He pulled me into his arms and held me, where I allowed the tears to continue to fall.
***
Hunter
***
I got worried.
That was why I went to her place. What I didn’t expect to see was her sitting in that park with that asshole’s arm around her.
She was crying about something. When I saw that, I wanted to rush over there and find out what was wrong with my girl.
I was mid-stride, maybe more because I took a few steps, then stopped when he leaned over and kissed her cheek, and she rested into him, running her hands over his arm.
Then fuck, like a coward, I stayed where I was, watching another man with my girl. Just like last time, but oh so different now.
Different because Jia wasn’t Emma, and I hadn’t caught her in the act of cheating, but that build-up was the same.
That day when I went to Collin’s apartment and heard the female sounds of pleasure coming from his room and recognized her voice, my blood had run cold, and when I rushed into the room and saw them together... it was a sight I would never forget.
Right now, I could see something was wrong with Jia, but Stephan was there comforting her, and they looked a little too intimate for my liking. The fact that he was holding her and she was allowing him to was enough to scare me.
It scared me because I didn’t know what it meant, and I couldn’t man up enough to find out.
It was so much worse when I watched them go into her apartment. Him with his arm around her. Her with her head against his chest as they walked.
