The Adventures of William Fitts, page 16
I leant back slightly, still close to her but no longer feeling her breath on my face. I felt strangely calm now; the storm was still going on, whirling around my head, but I was at the centre of it. A point of perfect stillness. My heart was pounding but it could have been nerves or the wine or the coffee or the kiss but my mind? My mind was clear.
“You know how – you know how there’s LGBT plus? And it’s not just sexuality, it’s about gender too?”
She nodded.
“Well, I’m – I’m trans. Transgender.”
I forced myself to keep eye contact, even as her eyes widened and her jaw dropped slightly. At least she had the decency to look embarrassed when she took a small intake of breath in surprise.
“So…” Her eyebrows furrowed as she processed this information. “You mean that you want to – so you’re really--”
“I’m a man,” I said firmly, determined that there should be no room for misunderstanding. “I am a man, and I have always been male, but I was given a female name when I was born and I used to use female pronouns.”
“Oh.” She took a few more seconds to process this. “So you don’t want to change, then? You’ve already… changed?”
I nodded. It was clumsy, but we were getting there. “Yes. I take testosterone, I’ve had some – some surgery.”
“So how do--” She cut herself off, shaking her head quickly. “No, I shouldn’t – I shouldn’t ask you all these questions, it’s not fair.”
“It’s okay,” I said quickly. “I mean, there’s some stuff that’s pretty generic, and, you know, the internet’s really good for that, but – well, given the, er, situation here, there will be things that will affect… well, you. And – and whatever this is. So if you – if you want to ask about those things, that’s fine.”
“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “If I ask too many questions. I’ve just never met anyone like, um…”
“Anyone else trans,” I finished for her. “You probably have, and just didn’t realise it. I mean, you’ve known me for what, six months? And if I hadn’t told you just now, you might never have known.”
I could see that she was taking it all in, taking the time to process everything, and I was grateful for it. Slow reactions, more often than not, led to good reactions.
“I’m guessing,” she said, carefully mulling over each word. “That, um, things, are… different.”
“Correct.” I turned away from her slightly, fiddling with an invisible piece of lint on my trousers. “I understand if – I know you might not be comfortable with that. And that – well, I don’t know if it’s okay, but it’s understandable. And I won’t mind.”
There were a few seconds of silence as my words sunk in.
“I really like you, Will,” she started, slowly and deliberately. “And this – this doesn’t change that. You’re still the same person.”
“But?” I prompted.
“I need to think about it,” she said, and it was obvious that she was genuine and not just trying to put off giving an answer. “It’s so tempting to just… say it’s fine and carry on as if nothing’s changed, but what if – what if, when things get serious – if things get serious – I realise that I’m not as okay about it as I thought I was and… well, it would be so much worse. To tell you then, rather than now.”
To be completely honest, that was a far better response than I was expecting. In my brief dating history, the news had rarely been shared, and had never gone down well.
I didn’t realise that I hadn’t said anything until Milly said nervously, “Is that okay?”
“Of course!” I said quickly, and she sighed in relief. “It’s… very thoughtful of you. And smart, I think.”
I didn’t realise that we were still holding hands until she squeezed my fingers reassuringly, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. It was an easy feat, as she had a couple of inches on me.
“Thank you for telling me,” she said, and I was surprised by her sincerity. “It took serious balls. I mean – shit.”
I snorted with laughter, letting go of all the tension that had been building up through our conversation.
“I’m sorry,” she said, looking concerned if slightly bemused. “Really, I didn’t mean--”
“It’s okay,” I chuckled. “I’ll take it as a compliment.”
She managed to look serious for another couple of seconds before joining me, giggling and ducking her head so her hair fell over her face. Without thinking I reached forwards and tucked it behind her ear, resting my hand on the side of her neck.
“I’m serious,” she said, and somehow it was more intimate than before. “You put a lot of trust in me, and I don’t take that lightly. Regardless of what happens, I’ll always be your friend, and I’ll always trust and respect you.”
She leant forwards and kissed me on the cheek, and this time it was a promise; a promise that she would keep her word.
Chapter 19
I didn’t hear from Milly for the rest of the weekend, and as much as I tried not to think anything of it I couldn’t help but constantly check my phone and replay Saturday night’s conversation in my head.
“If she’s smart, she’s spending today doing as much research as she can,” said Jay after I gave them a summary of the previous evening’s events over lunch. “We both know that if this is going to work between you two – and I really, really hope it does because you deserve to be happy – you’re both going to have to be really good at communicating. Especially when it comes to the sex stuff.”
“I know,” I sighed. “I just… shit, Jay, how do straight people do this so much?”
Jay snorted. “Right? Sitcoms make it look so easy. But look at it this way. This would be her first relationship with a trans guy. This would be your first relationship.”
There was a pause.
“I was waiting for you to add something at the end there, you know.”
“No need. What I’m saying is, this is new for both of you, in different ways. Every relationship is different, everyone brings different things to the table. So maybe this is a different kind of different. That’s okay. You’ll figure it out. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”
I elbowed them lightly. “You old romantic, you. Speaking of--”
“Not a chance.”
“Oh, come on.”
“No way, Fitts! You have extracted quite enough relationship information from me over the years, and now it is my turn to return the favour.”
Something about the way they brushed me off wasn’t quite as urgent as it had been for the last few months, and there was a laughter in their eyes that had been missing for too long.
“You – you –” I stammered out, grinning as they flushed. “No, you can’t hold out on me! Did you call him? Or – or have you met someone entirely new? Go on, Jay, tell me literally everything.”
They snorted. “Literally everything? Fine. His fingers were like magic the way they--”
“Stop!” I exclaimed. “Fine, not literally everything. Just give me the lowdown.”
Jay stayed silent, watching me to see how long I could wait for.
“Yes, I get it, I’m impatient!” I cried. “Now spill.”
“I called him,” they said, every appearance of being completely casual. “We agreed to get coffee, talk things over.”
“And?” I prompted, unable to not know much longer.
They finally gave in to the grin that had been threatening to burst through, laughing with giddiness. “We’re dating. Kind of. Well, hanging out, but with cuddles and making out and shit. And holy fuck, Will, I missed him so much, and it wasn’t that I missed the intimacy or the sex – although, wow, did I miss the sex – but I just missed him. Eventually I’ll be glad we took this time and I’ll be grateful for it but for now…” they broke off, their grin somehow getting even bigger. “I’m just so happy to have him back in my life, and everything else will fall into place. I know it will.”
I threw myself at them, grinning stupidly as I pulled them into a tight hug. “I’m so happy for you! God, I don’t know how much longer I could have taken you two not being together. So you’re going to move back in together, do you reckon?”
I hadn’t been expecting Jay to snort as they pulled back, looking at me disbelievingly. “No way! At least not now. Maybe in six months or a year. But right now we need our space, even if we are dating. I need my best friend and future housemate, because as much as I love Jamie, he’s never going to have a jukebox musicals marathon with me.”
“And so the hunt for the perfect place to live continues!” I said triumphantly. “Any progress at your end?”
“Yes, actually,” they mused. “I had a call yesterday from the landlady at that place in Dulwich. You know, the one that backs onto a nightclub and so is obscenely loud and therefore outrageously cheap?”
“I remember it.”
“Yeah, well, the new tenants’ paperwork fell through. She was wondering if we wanted it.”
“Wait, what?” It had been far from the nicest place to live, but at the rent the landlady was asking for, it was worth it. “What did you say?”
“I said I’d talk to you, but unless you said no, we’d be round tomorrow to sign the lease. We should be able to move in in about a week or so. What’d’you say?”
I thought for a moment before extending my hand, Jay shaking it firmly. “Let’s do this.”
***
I deliberately left it as late as possible to go to work the next morning, determined that I wouldn’t be loitering around the office for longer than I absolutely had to. I ended up screeching in just as the clock reached nine, bolting across the room and not making eye contact with anyone as I made my way to my desk. I could feel everyone else’s eyes on my but I was happy to ignore them until they got bored.
I tried to get work done, I really did, but I couldn’t concentrate, my brain reading the same things over and over without any of it going in.
After half an hour or so Eric left to go and photocopy something, and within a matter of seconds Milly was there, leaning up against his desk. I forced myself to look at her, smiling and desperately hoping it didn’t come across as a grimace.
“Hey,” she said quietly, smiling nervously. It wasn’t surprising that she was on edge; it was nothing compared to me, and the obvious attempt at appearing casual had drawn the attention of Josh and Alex, who weren’t even trying to hide that they were eavesdropping.
“Hi,” I replied, determined not to let on how nervous I was. “Are you – how, um, how are you?”
“Good,” she said quickly. “Do you have any, you know, lunch plans?”
I shook my head.
“Okay. Should we – do you want to go out? At lunch?”
I nodded quickly, smiling in a strange relief as she mumbled an agreement and strode back to her desk. That hadn’t been bad, not at all. There was, maybe, hope.
I was no closer to working now than I had been before, though. I whiled away most of the morning watching the clock in the corner of my computer screen tick slowly towards half past twelve, occasionally sending a few emails so I could persuade myself I was doing something useful.
When lunchtime came we left the office in silence, neither of us able to think of anything to say as we walked from the office to the park at the end of the street. We settled into a bench over-looking a duck pond, occasionally sharing glances. Silence when walking had been fine, but there was an expectancy now we’d stopped, each waiting for the other to speak first.
“I went online,” said Milly. It was far from the first thing I’d expected her to say, but it came as a small relief. With any luck, this would be a sensible conversation.
She continued, “I went on forums, watched people’s vlogs. You know?”
“Yes.” I did know, very well indeed, having spent hundreds of hours watching and reading people’s stories as a teenager.
“If anything, I realised how much I don’t know. I had no idea quite how…” she trailed off, looking slightly awkward. “What I mean is, I don’t think I understand it. Not fully, not yet. But that’s – well, that’s okay, I think. I can be there for you, if you need me. I can support you. And I’ll keep on educating myself, because, well, as human beings we have a responsibility. To learn about what life is like for other people. Especially the people you care about most.”
Her words hung in the air for a few moments as I let them sink in. She put her hand over mine as my head jerked up to meet her gaze. “Will?”
“Yes?” I could almost hear my heart beating, hating how powerless I felt in that moment.
“I know there’s still things to talk about. And communication will be super important. But if – well, if you still want to, I would be more than happy to go on a second date. And then hopefully a few more after that.”
The pent-up breath abandoned my body as I finally realised what she was saying, laughing slightly under the stress of the situation. “That – that sounds good. Like, really good. I mean – yeah. You know what I mean.”
“Okay then,” she said, and I could tell she was trying to suppress a grin. “So… coffee? Tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” I smiled. “Coffee tomorrow.”
Chapter 20
It had been a good week. Me and Milly had gone out every lunchtime, and a couple of times for drinks after work, and I’d taken – and passed – my driving test on the Wednesday afternoon. Even so, Friday was certainly welcome when it finally arrived. I spent the afternoon watching the clock tick slowly towards five o’clock, finishing off as much work as I could before the weekend. As soon as the numbers on my computer screen switched over from 16:59 I was packing my things up, darting out the door and onto the Tube home.
As I came back above ground my phone buzzed, a few messages popping through.
Lizzy Bennet: Hey, could you get some milk on your way home? Thanks!
Lizzy Bennet: Also AA batteries
Lizzy Bennet: And if you have a chance, could you get some more hay fever tablets from the pharmacy? Thank you so much, you’re the best!!
I sighed, checking the time before replying.
Will Fitts: Sure, they might not be open though. I’ll check
The shops were out of my way, but it was unlike Lizzy to ask a list of favours unless she had good reason to. I set off in the opposite direction of the flat, joining the flow of commuters.
It was a ten minute walk to the supermarket – which was a generous term, this was central London after all – and a further five to the pharmacy, but I managed to get everything and set off back home. It was well past six o’clock, and even though it was April there was a chill in the air.
The flat was silent and dark when I got up there, holding the shopping in one hand and tugging off my shoes with the other. I shrugged off my coat, flicking on the light switch and jumping a mile at the sudden din.
“SURPRISE!”
It took a few seconds for my heartrate to return down as I took in the scene before me, grinning in confusion. Everyone was there: Lizzy, Darcy, Jordan, Charlotte, Jane, Charlie, Jay, Jamie, and even Milly, all cheering and blowing party blowers.
It was only when they shouted, “Happy birthday!” in not-quite-unison, that I noticed the streamers draped over every surface and the two large balloons in the shape of a 2 and a 5.
“Guys, this is amazing!” I gaped, taking in the small crowd that had gathered while crossing the room. “Wait, is this why--”
“We did actually need all those things,” explained Lizzy apologetically, “although I would have gotten them myself if we didn’t need you to be distracted for a while.”
“And we know your birthday’s not for a week or so,” said Darcy as she pulled me into a hug, “but we thought we’d celebrate a bit early. That way it really would be a surprise.”
“You’re not wrong there,” I chuckled, quickly hugging everyone and trying not to blush as Milly kissed me on the cheek.
“Happy early birthday,” she said, loosely taking my hand. “It was really cool of your friends to invite me, I’ll admit it was quite out of the blue!”
At this, I turned a fiery red. “I, um, I maybe talk about you. Sometimes. A lot.”
“It’s endearing, rather than creepy,” chimed in Lizzy behind me, clearly thinking herself helpful.
“I don’t know Lizzy, the daily texts about how beautiful she is can get a bit borderline sometimes,” said Jordan, sidling up behind Lizzy and winking at me.
“Ignore him,” I said loudly. “Idiot brother.”
Luckily, Milly was laughing. “Don’t worry, it’s fine.” There was a certain look of relief in her eyes, and I couldn’t help but remember the last time she’d been up in the flat.
“I should introduce you to some more people,” I said hurriedly, before Jordan could plot any more sabotage. “This is Jane, Lizzy’s sister, and her boyfriend Charlie. Jane, Charlie, this is Milly.”
I couldn’t help but feel bad for Milly, being introduced to all of my friends less than a week after we first went out, but she seemed to take it in her stride, even doting on Ellen, the kitten. She was, as so many were, unnerved by the sheer force of good intent that was Jane and Charlie, but I only vaguely attempted to drag her away from Jay, who was happily recounting all of our biggest mistakes at university to her great amusement.
The food was good, with that distinctive taste that came with being made by Darcy and then salvaged by Lizzy. The wine was even better, Jordan and Jay each determined to out-drink each other while Jamie looked on fondly.
“How’s it going?” I asked, joining him from his spot leaning against the kitchen cabinets, watching Jay side-eye Jordan and down another glass.
He went to give a usual, non-committal answer, before laughing in both nervousness and happiness. “I’m – Will, I’m bloody fantastic. I never thought… I love them so damn much, you know? And I always thought I wasn’t good enough to love someone like them, that they’d inevitably leave me for someone more… well, someone more Jay.”
