The Orphan’s Last Goodbye, page 16
Kitty completed every task Mim assigned her with a determination to succeed. Her goal was to be as self-sufficient as possible, knowing there was no guarantee that Michael would be found or that Stanley would stay. She didn’t want to burden Mim, and since arriving in Canada, and having a break from commitments in England, she no longer wanted to return to nursing. Also, having witnessed enough pain and suffering, she felt unable to care for orphans and patients as she once had. She needed to focus on taking it one day at a time. Distractions would not benefit her new way of life. Her situation was not ideal for now, but it was one where she had wise guidance and support.
In the evenings, Kitty impressed Mim with her sewing skills by turning dresses into shirts and tops – more practical items for her new life. She altered more trousers Mim had given her that she no longer wore, and created working outfits more suited to the environment in which she worked. Mim asked her to repair some of her clothes and suggested that Kitty consider using her skills if she ever needed to supplement her income. This led Kitty to make small pouches from leftover material, which she stored away intending to sell or barter.
The household washing proved a heavy task. Helping Mim with the laundry, she used a large bath-like tub, a washboard and buckets, which made her realise how pampered she had been, having had a housekeeper and a copper boiler.
Hanging the washing on the line to blow in the breeze with the mountains as a backdrop soothed her busy mind. When the things were dry, Kitty folded them, inhaling the fresh air and the pine fragrance from the rinsing water. She found those simple pleasures helped soothe the ache she felt in her back and arms.
One afternoon, Kitty sat writing letters home. In her letter to Jo, she was careful not to reveal too much about her current living situation; knowing Jo, she would likely try to airlift Kitty back to Fell Hall or cross the border and insist she lived protected in America. Kitty imagined her friend’s face when she read about her riding through pine forests. She hoped that was enough to show she was happy and settled.
In her letters to her uncle, Wenna and Meryn, she spoke about her upbeat days and mentioned that Stanley was following up on news about Michael. Nothing more. Nothing about feeling overwhelmed or frightened. Whenever those feelings reared up and made her want to give up on everything and return to England, she quashed them. Her promise to be responsible for herself was not something she would break. She had chosen to give herself a year in Canada, even if she had to remain alone; she would not work for anyone other than Mim or herself.
Kitty knew she had ventured into adulthood with a bravery others might not have experienced, and now she wanted to draw on that bravery again. It had been so easy to fall into a peacetime pattern with Michael that – aside from being his wife and there being no bombs – was no different from wartime. They dealt with sick patients, sat at home discussing new cures and returned to work the following day. Death and sickness were routine, and joy was limited.
New challenges and opportunities waited for her in Canada; it was the right time to follow through and grab them. Financially, she was concerned that her private money was not enough to support her, and only by learning from others could she have any opportunity to earn an income. Though unwilling to nurse again, she knew that going to a hospital and retraining was an option; it would be her last resort, but she would do whatever was necessary. Every day, she worked at unravelling her mind and releasing confusing and conflicting obstacles. Her soul healed through hard work and walking barefoot over the plains.
She talked herself through unpleasant tasks, forced herself to watch the skilled cowboys when they were branding cattle, and managed a few minutes watching Mim prepare a slaughtered cow for sale. Mim told her it was something her uncle had helped her overcome; if Kitty did not intend to farm in the future, it was not something she needed to learn in a week.
By the end of the week, Kitty was exhausted but satisfied she had not wasted time wallowing in self-pity. She had walked and ridden more miles than she ever expected, eaten unfamiliar foods and met with the women of Mim’s tribe to learn the art of sewing hide.
Her back ached, her hands and feet were sore, and her heart was grateful. Life had turned her upside-down, shaking out the old Kitty and leaving behind a new version of herself, one that was learning to fill the emptiness with the tools of survival and was driven by a silent, suppressed anger at her situation.
Chapter Thirty-One
On the day they expected Stanley back, Kitty baked while Mim and Ted were busy with others fixing the fences.
Although Kitty enjoyed time alone and learning new skills, there were moments she would have loved to sit and enjoy a cup of tea with Michael, discussing their day and their future. She recalled conversations from when they first married and when they were at their happiest. The more she thought about it, the more obvious it became that by the end of their first year of marriage they had allowed work to take over their lives. Their intimate moments were few and far between; only the harshness of the cold winter had brought them closer. But it now seemed that wasn’t enough for him; his mind had wandered towards seeking a new life that offered less of the ordinary. Michael never came back from work to a home filled with the aroma of freshly baked bread, as she had never had the time, not to mention doubting her ability to even be able to bake.
In the quiet of the kitchen, again it registered with Kitty that her marriage had dwindled into a monotonous routine. Only the patients varied; everything else remained the same. Without work, she doubted that she and Michael had much in common.
For the first time, she wondered whether he would have been happier if World War II were still raging. They would be working side by side in volatile situations, which triggered passionate moments, driven by the fear of imminent death. Their letters, filled with loving words, once offered hope for the future they had envisioned together; but the reality was not as expected, and Kitty could not see a way around their mistakes. Perhaps divorce truly was the only solution – a way to free themselves and discover their true desires. If parting meant they could come back together, having realised that they wanted each other all along, then that was what fate had to determine.
In the quiet room, Kitty felt a sense of relief at unravelling her muddled marriage problems and wondered if Michael was taking the time to do the same.
It dawned on her that the war had deprived them of many experiences most couples shared during the romantic stages of their relationship. The war brought frantic farewells and uncertainties, leaving no room for lengthy courtships. Time was never on their side, and when it was, Kitty and Michael had landed with a thud, moving around each other in a dance of the unknown. They had failed to find the rhythm to bring balance and harmony to their daily lives. They were not a couple made for the ordinary.
If they were to part ways, Kitty wanted to face Michael and apologise for not understanding his desire to return to his roots and find a partner who could give him children born in his homeland. If he too had realised they were bound together for the wrong reasons, she wanted to set him free.
At that moment, she understood that she loved the idea of being married to Michael, but had hoped the man he was before his injuries would come back to her. In that hope, she had allowed her natural caring instinct to nurture the wounded version of him. Now she understood that although he was no longer wounded, he had pursued a life he had previously wanted, only to discover that it did not fulfil his soul, and that Kitty was not enough.
Guilt had probably kept him at home with her, and Kitty’s guilt at asking for a divorce guided her towards her own truth. Her heart longed for something different too – not a routine love within a routine marriage. She wanted a love that lived by impulsive, passionate reactions after a gentle touch or a whispered word.
Kitty inhaled the aroma of cinnamon, bringing her back to baking before her mind took her too deep into her feelings. She knew she couldn’t deny herself the right to feel as she did, but it added another layer of guilt. She lifted out a batch of shortbread – from her mother’s recipe that she had found amongst papers in the suitcase – and made large biscuits, which she learned were known as cookies, using Mim’s family recipe. Four loaves of bread and a large beef pie sat cooling while she worked. It acted as a form of therapy, a soothing routine with a pleasant outcome. Baking was a quiet companion that helped her work through her troubles.
The temperature rose, and Kitty stopped to wipe her brow, wondering how she would manage her baking if it got any hotter. Mim mentioned that they experienced several weeks of hot sun, which might change to cooler days because of the unpredictable weather pattern. Kitty decided it might be wise to keep her baking days for the cooler ones.
Kitty dabbed her face dry and began folding flour and eggs into a bowl. She moved contentedly around the kitchen, imagining a day when she could bake in her own home.
‘Now there’s a sight for sore eyes, and what’s that wonderful smell?’
Stanley’s voice echoed into the cabin from the doorway, and Kitty’s heart leapt with joy. She turned around to see him. She was surprised to see how exhausted he looked.
‘You’re back!’ she said, rushing to hug him. Stanley held her tightly for a few seconds before gently moving her away.
‘I am. It was a long and uncomfortable journey, but I managed to return in one piece,’ he said, smiling at her. He glanced over at the food that was cooling on the counter.
‘I can’t believe you’re cooking. Is the bread yours?’
Kitty looked at him and smiled proudly.
‘It all is, and there’s a lot more I can do since you left,’ she said, carefully lifting the cookies and shortbread from their trays.
‘Like what?’ Stanley asked, leaning on the kitchen unit, waiting patiently to hear what she had to share. One of his good points was that Stanley always had time to listen.
‘Well, there are several things, but one is sitting down with Mim’s uncle, a tribal elder, and other young warriors, remembering not to point because it is rude – you know how often we point, and it is natural to us, but I don’t want to offend, so sit on my hands a lot of the time.’ She giggled. ‘Oh, and I am learning their language, which has the longest words for the shortest translation. I’m known as Fox Kitten. Sinopa. Fortunately, that one is an easy name to say,’ she said, in a rush of excitement.
Stanley laughed. ‘I like it. Maybe we should start using it. It suits you, Sinopa,’ he said.
‘Where’s your driver?’ Kitty asked before peering out the window, trying hard to avoid the inevitable: a conversation about Michael. When they talked about him, Kitty hoped she would not sound uncaring, and Stanley would not think she was giving up too easily. She needed to explain that they had to slow down and find another way forward to enjoy their new life.
‘On his way back to Calgary. I won’t need him again. The next search will be in my vehicle – something more comfortable.’ Stanley sat down in a comfortable chair with a loud sigh of relief. ‘I will rest for a few days and think about where Michael could be; I can’t find him anywhere in the two areas we thought he might stay. Goodness knows where he has gone. Six hospitals, several private doctors and a dozen oil investors can’t help me either,’ Stanley said, his voice no longer light-hearted.
‘You tried, and for that I am grateful, Stanley. I have no words for how grateful I am. You have gone the extra mile and then some to help me. You look worn out. Eat these, and then rest.’
Kitty handed Stanley a large beaker of water and placed shortbread and cookies on a plate.
‘Maple syrup cookies and cinnamon shortbread. Eat and enjoy while I clear up, and then we must discuss our living arrangements. We should be thinking about somewhere permanent, but we need our own space. All we’ve done is rush around, pack up our lives in Britain, fly here, travel days on a train, and then try to find Michael in the city. You took off to travel miles across the country, but it has to stop for your health’s sake. Look at you, you are exhausted.’
Stanley shrugged off her suggestion that he was tired.
‘I can give it one more try. Look further afield, on the other side of Calgary,’ he said. Kitty watched him bite into his cookie, wondering when he had last eaten a decent meal. She felt so guilty for expecting so much of him. For far too long, she had taken one of her dearest friends for granted.
‘I am sorry, Stanley. I am so sorry I came to you about my failed marriage, burdening you with my troubles and putting you through the search from hell. I am also sorry I said those words to Michael, but I am not sorry that you’re back here and free to decide what you want to do now.’ She heard Stanley give a heavy sigh.
‘You have not put me through anything I didn’t want to do. I can’t bear seeing you heartbroken and worried. We need to work out where to look for him next,’ he replied, his voice insistent and determined.
Kitty closed her eyes to give herself a moment to think and compose her words. She did not want to reveal her conclusions to Stanley completely, but she needed to prevent him wasting his time when he could settle down and enjoy life.
‘I’ve given it some thought and will send Smithy a telegram. I will tell him we’re staying in the Calgary/Cochrane area, give Mim’s address and ask him to let Michael know if he gets in touch. Flitting around in hope, and you rushing around wearing yourself silly – it has to stop. If necessary, we can leave adverts in the city and surrounding towns as we visit them, asking Michael to contact me via Mim or Ted. We can’t find him, so it is up to Michael to find us. I am not chasing after him anymore, and I will do my utmost to become independent while I wait for him to find me. I know I would like to stay here, in Cochrane. I have to work out how to do that on a limited budget, but I will do it, Stanley, because the town has captured me here in such a short time,’ Kitty said, tapping her heart, conviction and passion in her voice.
‘Then I am staying, too.’ Stanley said. He bit into his shortbread and waved it in approval.
Kitty leaned back against the sink, facing him. It was time to let go of Stanley, and her heart ached at the thought of him back in England, but she had to stop being selfish.
‘No, Stanley. You have put me first enough. Now you must stop being my big brother, the protector, and choose what you want to do – and if that is back in England, then go home. I will be more than fine; I have opened my eyes to where my skills lie, and I will manage with Mim as a friend.’ Her words came out in a rush, but she had to remain in control. She focused her gaze on him as he ate the last of his shortbread and wiped his mouth. He laid down his napkin and struggled to his feet. He looked at her, his face serious and grey, and she felt guilty at how exhausted he was – she knew it was her fault.
‘I am staying. I have seen more of this country than you, and believe me, it has made me want to stay. The wide-open spaces, the fresh air, and – oh, I don’t know – new and exciting opportunities. Kitty, I want to stay, not just because you’re here, but because it is what I want to do. And don’t get me started on the mountains. I have my eye on a few to climb.’ He laughed. ‘I am ready to see what sort of life I can build for myself.’
Kitty felt a warmth inside. Life would be much better for her with Stanley at her side, and she had secretly hoped he wanted to remain in Canada. Now they could make plans that would suit them both.
‘Well then, we have some serious discussions to have. We can no longer live with you in Ted’s place and me here. I must go into Cochrane, as I have letters to post and a telegram to send, so go and rest. I will let Mim know you’re back and making use of my bed to catch up on sleep. She won’t mind. Then we talk. Agreed?’
Stanley nodded. ‘I won’t argue. I do need sleep. But you had better hide the shortbread, or there will be none left when you return. I think you have found your calling,’ he said, heading into the bedroom.
Later, riding Saahkómaapi slowly into town, Kitty realised she no longer felt so anxious. Her neck and shoulders were relaxed, and she felt unburdened. Having Stanley home was a great relief.
Chapter Thirty-Two
When Kitty returned from the town, she saw Mim and Stanley talking on the porch. Stanley was speaking animatedly. A sleep had done him good.
Ted had also arrived and waved as he hitched Mim’s cart to his horse.
‘Here she is,’ Mim said, waving at Kitty. ‘Happy that Stanley is home?’
For some reason, Kitty felt a warmth in her neck and cheeks at the question, as if she had been caught out doing something wrong. She climbed down from Saahkómaapi and smiled.
‘I am, because he has just seen me ride a horse for the first time. Stanley, meet Saahkómaapi,’ she said, walking the horse over to them.
Stanley was grinning as he patted Saahkómaapi’s neck.
‘It took me a while to realise it was you on the horse. I thought you were walking into town; it never occurred to me you could ride.’
‘She couldn’t five days ago,’ Mim said. ‘She’s a capable rider for sure, and Saahkómaapi is in good hands when she takes him out.’
Stanley raised an eyebrow in approval.
‘I am proud of you, Kitty Sinopa,’ he said and turned to Mim. ‘Thank you for looking after her while I was gone. We have brought our troubles to your door, and you have taken us in and helped us in ways I never imagined.’
‘They’re not your troubles, Stanley,’ Kitty whispered. He reached out and touched her hand. His touch sent a pleasurable warmth shimmying through her, taking her by surprise.
‘Nor were mine when you helped me,’ he said softly.
An air of change moved around them, and Kitty felt a calm she had not experienced with him before. She guessed the pressure of her need to find Michael was no longer a worry to him, and he could relax more.
