Roskov, Book 8, page 24
‘The yacht?’
‘Yes.’
‘It has wheels?’ Paul asked.
‘No wheels, it will be static.’
‘They’ve handed you a luxury yacht, for use on dry land, and parked on bricks?’ Paul asked, the audience laughing.
‘It will be parked in a hole dug in my hotel in Corsica. You can rent a room on the yacht or rent the entire yacht, and there’s definitely no chance of sea sickness.’
Ian asked, ‘The yacht is immobile, and on land?’
‘Yes, but still a luxury yacht which people can pay large sums of money to stay in. And it will have a crew, a chef, no lifeguards needed and you don’t need to be able to swim.’
The audience laughed.
Angus began, ‘So this luxury yacht … is fully functional apart from the usual … you know, sat on water aspect that boats often have.’
‘Correct, it’s immobile yet fully functional. Even has a radar - to avoid other yachts at night.’ The audience laughed. ‘I have a hotel inside a cave, so a yacht on bricks is not so far fetched,’ I told them.
‘When will people be able to stay there?’ Angus asked.
‘In the spring, depending on the tides obviously.’
The audience laughed.
‘Does it have an anchor?’ Paul asked.
‘Yes, secured to the nearest rabbit hole.’
Angus turned to the MP. ‘Would you stay on a yacht that was on dry land?’
‘I’d love to yes, I get sea sick. So I get the luxury room and the deck to sunbathe on, no motion sickness.’
The audience laughed.
Angus faced me. ‘You are being serious?’
‘Yes, it will be ready in the spring, we have to haul it up the beach first.’
‘And you’re building a holiday village next door…’
‘Yes, a valley with about twenty luxury villas. And a mile further on will be a huge Three-Phase nursing home, and each apartment will have a sea view and a sunset view.’
‘Sounds nice. And if it’s not being rude, does your profit forecast look like an exponential curve?’
‘It does, yes.’
‘Is it true that you speak to the IRA leadership?’
‘It is true, yes, and I asked them to stop setting off bombs, and in return I would find investors to help the job situation in Northern Ireland.’
‘And if the ceasefire doesn’t hold?’ Ian asked.
‘I’ll keep investing and improving the job situation … in the hope that lives are saved in the near future, I won’t back off.’
The audience applauded.
‘And how’s this new lady, Dominique, at sharing a hotel suite?’
‘Messy, I had to pick up a few things in her room, like knickers.’
The audience laughed.
‘Did she get a massage?’
‘She did, but it was just platonic.’
‘And the twins don’t mind?’ Angus asked.
‘No, they nudge me towards keeping our top models happy. Sometimes I feel used.’ The audience laughed loudly. I continued, ‘Sometimes … all I want is a nice cup of tea and a good night’s kip.’
‘That’s what I get,’ the MP put in. ‘So come join the rest of us.’
‘Moving on to current topics, and what did Mathew Harding do…’
Paul answered, ‘He donated a million quid to Labour.’ He faced me. ‘Will you be donating a million quid to Labour?’
‘If I do … it will be conditional on a few matters. So if Labour are willing to look at a few issues for me … then yes.’
‘Isn’t that blackmail and bribery?’ Paul asked.
‘Not when you twist the arm of the next government to help the poor people. It’s bribery when it’s for your own benefit I think. But the law is loose in that area, and I was surprised to find that it is legal.’
‘It’s a grey area,’ the MP put in. ‘It does happen, yes, but over a cup of tea with the Prime Minister, not a written demand or list of items as such.’
I responded, ‘If it is legal then I’d want my chat to Tony Blair about fifty-percent-equity mortgages, a cap on the interest charges for small loans, more homeless shelters, more prisons and soft prisons, and programmes to deal with bullying in our schools.’
Ian put in, ‘That sounds like their manifesto anyway.’
‘Then I’ll donate to them, yes. But I’ll also affect those areas myself, and directly.’
Paul put in, ‘That list of demands you have makes you sound like a right selfish sod, you know that.’
The audience laughed.
I nodded at him. ‘I’ll use some spin on the wording, clean it up a bit.’
‘Next topical question. Which scruffy Leicester boy recently told off President Clinton to his face?’
Paul faced me. ‘You told him off?’
I explained, ‘I think what you’re referring to … is a minor spat about his Secret Service detail treating the Danish police like servants, in their own country.
‘But my comments were aimed at his security detail chief, not at President Clinton himself.’
Ian asked, ‘What did they do?’
‘The Danish police and soldiers had been ordered to guard a gate, but the Secret Service shouted and swore at the Danish to get lost, or be shot. On a Danish military base. In Denmark. Which is not in America.’
‘Cheeky buggers,’ Paul let out. ‘Just because they own the world doesn’t give them the right to boss people about.’
‘And who referred to the German Chancellor as a commoner?’ Angus asked.
‘I did, yes,’ I answered. ‘Because the German newspapers rudely refer to him as a commoner, and us poor working class boys need to stick together.’
‘Next question, and which porn star upset the Vatican when a group of nuns watched his DVD by mistake?’
The audience laughed, so too the panel.
‘That was not my fault,’ I joked. ‘They should have read the label. And the priest that bought Claudia’s poster … he had no excuses … at all.’
The audience laughed.
Angus faced our MP. ‘Have you seen the DVD?’
‘I have, yes, and I profess my love for Jacqueline Dupont. My wife watched it with me and professed her love for the Leicester boy’s naked arse.’
Angus asked, ‘Ian, did you see Ricky’s naked arse?’
‘Not intentionally, but I was forced to watch the DVD.’ They laughed. ‘So that I could comment on it.’
‘Research purposes, yes,’ Angus agreed.
‘I just wanted to see the boobs,’ Paul put in, the audience laughing.
Angus faced me. ‘So you actually had a man on the next balcony ask you … how many girls do you have in the room?’
‘I did, yes, and I offered to go count them for him.’ The audience laughed. ‘And how often can you say that and actually mean it.’
Ian put in, ‘Words that were last spoken by George Best in 1978. And he meant them.’
I told them, ‘My hero, George Best; I had his poster up when I was a kid – but for his soccer skills.’
‘You’re not very old now, still a teenager,’ Angus pointed out.
‘Still a teenager for … a few weeks, then a small party with less than a thousand guests.’
‘So it will be a big bash then?’ Paul asked.
‘It may be, yes, a few invited guests,’ I responded.
‘Next question, and what inspired Cambridge Police to let big butch police women drive patrol cars alone?’
‘Him,’ said the MP, pointing at me. ‘He argued the case for big butch lady officers.’
‘And what did he argue for?’ Angus asked our MP.
‘That they be allowed to handle firearms like men, drive cars like men, and take part in riots like men – since they are paid the same wages.’
‘And how many female officers applied to drive patrol cars alone?’ Angus floated.
‘Three,’ Ian put in. ‘So well done on the equal pay equal rights, lady police officers of Britain.’
‘It may be only three,’ I began. ‘But it does set a precedent and it moves us forwards with a … tiny little step. And in my home town of Leicester the old police argued that delicate little police women might be raped if they pulled a car over at night.
‘If you met the lady officer in Leicester who wanted to patrol alone, you’d not want to meet her on a dark night or upset her. She’s eighteen stone and a judo champion … and she takes no crap.’
‘Is she now allowed to drive alone?’
‘No,’ I answered.
‘So it’s just Cambridge force?’
Ian responded, ‘For now, yes. One female officer in all of Britain allowed to drive alone. Way to go Britain, great equal rights.’
The audience applauded.
Ian asked our MP, ‘What are you doing about that, Mister Over-Paid Politician?’
‘I am in favour of equal rights, but few others are interested in the debate. But I would not sentence women like men -’
‘Why not?’ I challenged.
‘Because women are not violent like men.’
Ian cut in, ‘A woman murders her baby and you sentence her to just eight years … because she’s a woman! Her husband would have got life!’
The audience applauded.
‘The woman is unlikely to repeat offend,’ the MP suggested.
‘I’m sure the dead baby would rest well knowing that,’ Ian quipped.
Paul put in, ‘So we’re avoiding controversial topics tonight then,’ the audience laughing.
Angus floated, ‘And how many women have now asked a judge that they be sentenced as a man?’
‘None,’ Paul put in.
‘Two actually, two equal rights campaigners.’
‘Well done those two,’ Ian quipped. ‘Judged above the chin, to steal a phrase.’
Angus turned to me. ‘Will you be campaigning for equal rights on the streets of Britain?’
‘It will take decades to change attitudes,’ I began. ‘It’s a slow process. At the moment … someone driving through a speed camera gets a fine, regardless of who or what they are, which is as it should be.
‘A lady shoplifter will get a stiff sentence because most shoplifters are ladies, yet a woman that punches a man gets let off with a caution, so it varies by crime based on changing social attitudes.
‘But the greatest crime that could be committed … is when police officers close ranks and protect one of their own, even if he murdered his pregnant fiancé.’
Ian cut in, ‘This chap in Yorkshire?’
‘I won’t comment on the case in detail, but my legal team thinks that the black man now rotting in prison is innocent, and we’ll keep fighting for him – even if it takes the next ten years.
‘And the more that Yorkshire Police resist, the worse it will be for them, like an open wound that keeps opening, year after year. They’ll end up with no trust from the public.
‘What’s needed … is for some of the officers in Yorkshire to develop some morals and to do the right thing, but there’s little chance of that happening.
‘But if there is an officer in Yorkshire Police that knows the truth … then contact my legal team and I’ll pay for you to retire abroad.’
Paul put in, ‘We’re definitely avoiding the controversial stuff tonight.’
Angus faced me. ‘You’ll pay a police officer … if he tells the truth? There’s something wrong with that statement but I can’t seem to put my finger on it.’
‘Very wrong,’ Ian put in. ‘Because we should have honest police officers to start with, and not ones that stitch-up black people.’
The audience applauded.
Angus faced me. ‘How much did your charity raise?’
‘In total, about forty-four million.’ The audience gasped. ‘Some of that is American money earmarked for Northern Ireland, some came from rich people who use my hotels, about seven million from Britain, and the projects and the money are kept separate, so that British money goes on injustice cases and social projects, not on Northern Ireland.
‘So where we know that people sent money for a certain project we respect their wishes and make sure that no more or no less is spent on that project.’
Ian noted, ‘And you don’t take money for your own expenses…’
‘Of course not, I add to the pot. I have more money than I need, no luxury yacht desired.’
Paul put in, ‘If you had one it would be sat on bricks, the wheels stolen.’
The audience laughed.
Ian faced his teammate, the Conservative MP. ‘We’ve had almost three terms of Conservative government, so why don’t we have honest police officers yet?’
‘I think we do have mostly honest police officers -’
‘Mostly,’ Ian quipped. ‘Only need a few involved in child sex rings and murder to make them all look bad.’
‘Well, yes, they get tarnished by the bad apples -’
‘So how are you dealing with the bad apples?’ Ian pressed.
‘That’s what the IPCC is there for, so maybe they need extra funding.’
‘A lot of extra funding,’ Ian quipped.
I put in, ‘We need a culture change, a culture where police officers are not afraid to report a colleague. At the moment they all close ranks, which is great if you’re relying on your mates in a difficult job, but not great for the public perception of our police.
‘Our police succeed or fail on public support and public cooperation, and that is at an all-time low, and heading lower. So when a police officer is accused of a crime … his colleagues need to stop and say: maybe he did it.
‘Then they need to treat him like the criminal he is, and then – someday – we’ll have a police force that does have public trust.’
The audience applauded me.
I continued, ‘In Leicester we saw police officers involved in rape and murder, money laundering and a child sex ring, so why do police officers in other forces think that their people are not capable of that level of corruption?
‘We know that some officers are very corrupt, and the rank and file of the police need to realise that some of the bad apples are very bad apples and will tarnish them all, so they should do something about it not close ranks.
‘And if they don’t do something about the culture soon … they’ll have a hard time recruiting new officers, and finding new good officers. Who wants to join a police force that people don’t like or trust?’
The audience applauded again.
Angus faced the MP. ‘Did you like Thatcher and her policies?’
‘I’m not hard right, more centre, so some of her policies were a bit much for me. She was not well liked, very difficult to deal with, always sure in her mind that she was right – about everything. But I bet that a new Labour Government won’t do anything to hand power back to the unions.’
Angus faced me. ‘Labour won’t boost unionism?’
‘Hell no, and for good reason. No one wants to go back to how things were in the sixties and seventies, the strikes, and now that we have better employment laws people don’t need to strike.
‘If someone is unfairly dismissed they can use a tribunal, which will cost them nothing and may cost the employer thirty grand, and if they win they’ll get a pay-out.
‘Employers know that, and they’re wary these days, no mass sackings and redundancies without some careful thought. But Labour won’t rebuild the unions, no, those days are gone.
‘I’ll campaign for equal pay rights and better employment laws, and we should make it law that everyone has a contract of employment, when many low-paid workers don’t have a contract.
‘The law should be … that even a paper boy doing his rounds for five quid has a contract, everyone should, and that way both sides know what they’ve agreed to, and that you don’t change someone’s workplace and hours without their agreement in advance, it’s all written down.’
Angus asked me, ‘And employment law in America?’
‘Is crap, there is none. You can fire anyone at any time over there, no reason given, no compensation. They’re way behind Europe in that respect, but some countries in Europe, like France, go too far.
‘In France, if you employ more than ten people you have a book of rules to follow. If you employ a hundred people you have a book of rules as thick as a phone directory to follow - and you must employ six people just to maintain the employment law paperwork.’
The MP put in, ‘We don’t want that, no one wants that, it would cost jobs.’
‘It would,’ I agreed. ‘They go too far.’
Angus asked me, ‘Do Americans pay less tax?’
‘It’s a giant lie,’ I told him. ‘Imagine that you pay thirty percent tax here, but you get the NHS free. Cut the rate of tax to twenty percent, and pay for your own health costs, and realistically you’re paying forty percent tax now.
‘The Americans pay less employment tax, but then they pay sales tax and medical bills, so they’re no better off than we are. It’s a giant lie, a sleight of hand illusion, and unless you make two hundred grand a year you’re not better off than a British citizen.
‘Three quarters of the American population … worry greatly about health care costs as they get older, and how they’ll cope in old age. And some end up on the streets or dying in pain because they don’t have the money.
‘We have a safety net, pensions and free medical cover, when some Americans are paying thirty grand a year in medical bills as they get older. The average British person, who’s not rich, is much better off here than in America.
‘If you’re a high earner, and in good health, then in America you’ll save more money, yes. If you’re a poor person, you may well die in pain at home, no money for the treatment you need.’
‘So what’s good about America?’ Ian scoffed.
‘If you’re rich … everything is good,’ I quipped. ‘Less tax than here, cheaper land, cheaper goods.’
‘Would you move there?’ Angus asked me.
‘No, my heart is in Europe.’
‘And if Hollywood offered you a lot of money?’ he nudged.
‘They did, I said no. And I can make a lot of money here in Europe.’
‘How much have you been offered, to do something, and turned it down?’ Ian asked.
