The Devil's Kiss, page 15
I started sobbing at the sight of it. “Don’t.”
He set the items on the bed, much too calmly, and watched as I pulled at my restraints. He didn’t say anything, just waited until my body went limp and I gave up.
“Why?” I tasted the salt of my tears.
“Because I want you to trust me. I screwed up, Kayla.” He picked up the whip. “Let me show you that you don’t have to be scared of me. You have a safe word. Use it if you need to, and I’ll stop.”
“You don’t need to do this.”
“Yes, I do.”
Something in the intensity of his expression terrified me, and I suddenly sensed that this was about more than earning my trust. This was the ultimate tipping point. Either I walked…or I stayed and gave him my pain. Pleasure for pain—it was the way he’d always operated, only now he was giving me a choice, and if I stayed, he really would own me.
He released my ankles and wrists. “Stand up.”
I got up and stood before him, trembling and not knowing what to do or say.
Stupid! Say the word and go!
Pressing my lips together, I prepared to form the two syllables that would set me free, but the word lodged in my throat.
“Present your breasts.”
“I-I’m not your slave anymore.”
“I never said you were.” The clamps dangled from his fist, big and clunky and painful-looking.
I folded my arms across my chest. “Why are you doing this?”
“This is who I am.” His face hardened. “Hands behind your back now, or I’ll make the whipping a punishment.”
“There’s a difference?”
“Yes, and you’re going to learn what it is.”
Go, go, go!
I couldn’t budge, couldn’t make my voice work. Slowly, I brought my hands behind me and clasped them together. He bent down and sucked at each nipple until they peaked. He took his time clamping them.
I gritted my teeth, squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath, but the pain didn’t subside.
“Bend over the bed.”
My mind shut down. It seemed like a bad dream, like someone else was obeying his every command. He slipped the plug in, and intense vibrations drowned out the agony of the clamps. And then he was whipping me, blazing caresses against my bottom. It hurt—I couldn’t deny it—but he was holding back, and some of the strikes were so light, they were a tease.
“Stand up,” he ordered.
I obeyed, but lost my balance and almost tipped over.
“Hold onto the footboard for support.” He left a trail of fire down my right butt cheek, and I reached out and gripped the wood, breasts heavy and aching as the chain swung between them.
“Spread your legs.”
His commands continued to come in clipped words, and I followed every one. I didn’t allow myself to think beyond the sting of his whip. If I allowed awareness in, I knew I wouldn’t like what I’d find. The strap snaked around my hip and kissed my crotch, eliciting a moan from my throat. He put more strength into it, and the caress became pain. I cried out—a plea for him to stop…a plea for him to continue.
“Master.”
The whip thumped to the floor. “Is that your safe word?”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “No. Don’t make me leave.”
He pressed against me, chest to back, groin to buttocks, one hand pulling at the clamps as the other dipped inside wet need. “You’re not going anywhere.” His lips and tongue devoured my neck, and I moaned again, my center clenching as an orgasm built.
“I’m so close,” I whispered.
“Not yet.” He turned me around to face him. “Are you scared of me?”
“Yes.” I said it without hesitation. I was scared of him all right—terrified of what he made me feel.
“You don’t need to be.” He grabbed the chain linking my breasts and tugged. “I want you in my bed.” He picked me up and stomped up the steps, and as we entered his bedroom, I wondered how many other women he’d brought into this room. I couldn’t stop from voicing the question.
He went rigid. “Why?”
“I’m curious.” I sank into his mattress and stared up at him, waiting to see if he’d answer.
Our eyes connected and held. Long seconds passed, but he didn’t answer until after he’d removed the clamps. “No one else has been in here but you.” He plunged into me, and I was lost.
30
Warm fingers feathered down my spine. I was sprawled on my stomach, sinking into the softness of the mattress and the allure of sleep. I hadn’t slept late in a long time, but judging from the brightness behind my eyelids, I guessed it was at least nine. I snuggled closer to the warm body pressed against my side, glad that it was Saturday and I didn’t have to get out of bed at the crack of dawn. He draped a leg over mine and splayed his fingers across my ass.
“Why did you cry last night?”
My eyes popped open, and I met Gage’s questioning stare. “I don’t know.”
He swept my hair aside and kissed my shoulder. “Yes you do. I won’t allow you to keep secrets from me. That hasn’t changed.”
I shrugged him off and scooted to the edge of the bed. “Last night was a mistake.”
“You came to me, remember?”
I did remember, which made the light of day more difficult to face. Every time I was near him, I lost another piece of myself. “I shouldn’t have come.”
“But you did, and you screamed while doing it.”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”
The bed dipped, and his fingers curled around my side. “Then why did you come back?”
“Because you live inside of me!” I jumped up and whirled around to face him. “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t get you out of my head. And this is so wrong. You’re a fucking monster, Gage, and you keep pulling me in. Are you happy now?”
“I’m happy you’re in my bed. I’m not happy that you’re still fighting it.”
“Fighting what?”
“You and me.”
“There is no you and me!” I searched the floor for my clothes until I remembered that he’d cut them from my body. “I need something to wear. I have to be at the hospital soon.” Eve was coming home today, and I didn’t have the time or energy to argue with him. Her discharge changed everything. This had to end.
He slid out of bed and opened the door to a walk-in closet bigger than my bathroom. “Not the most fashionable, but they should fit.” He handed me a pair of sweatpants with a drawstring waist and a large T-shirt. “You look sexy in anything you wear.”
I clutched them to my bare chest and inhaled a whiff of the detergent he used. Damn him. That scent would always remind me of him. Avoiding his gaze, I dressed quickly and left his bedroom. Taking a detour to the basement, I wedged my feet into my shoes and headed toward the front door. He followed, completely naked, his towering form on my heels the whole way. I reached for the handle, but he pulled me against him.
“Stop fighting it, Kayla.”
“It’s just sex.”
“Didn’t we already have this conversation?”
I glared at him. “Apparently you need to hear it again. I’m not in love with you.”
“I never said you were. This isn’t about love. It’s about connecting, and you damn well know we connect.”
“Again…just sex.” I pushed against him, but he refused to let go. “You’re the last person I want around my daughter. She deserves better.” I deserved better. “I’m done here.” I untangled myself from his arms.
He smirked and leaned in until our noses almost touched. “You’ll be back.”
“I won’t.” I left the house, slid into the driver’s seat of my car, and met his steady gaze from across the driveway. God, the man stood buck-naked in his doorway. He truly had no shame. A knowing glint lingered in the depths of his sapphire eyes. Smug bastard. He was one hundred percent certain I’d be back, begging him to take me.
At that precise moment, I knew he was right. I’d come back again and again, a glutton for his sadism. I’d lie down and let him do whatever he wanted—I was that addicted to him. I could think of no other way out, other than going cold turkey. I’d have to leave town—that seemed the best way to wash him from my life. Leaving wasn’t going to be easy. I’d need to make preparations, get clearance from Eve’s doctor, and find a place with an excellent children’s cancer treatment center.
It was going to take some time and a lot of creative penny pinching, but I could do this…I only hoped he didn’t ruin me in the meantime.
I backed down his driveway, and on my way to the hospital, I stopped by my apartment to shower and change. Eve was already picking at her lunch tray when I entered her room. Ian sat next to her, his bagged lunch open in his lap. They were watching Dora, and something about seeing a grown man watch a cartoon with a three-year-old floored me. This wasn’t the first time I’d found him in her room, sharing lunch or playing a game with her.
Spotting me in the doorway, she broke into a huge smile. She jumped from bed and crashed into my arms with the power of a locomotive. The urge to cry overwhelmed me. Happy tears because Eve was healthy again, and desperate tears because I was so mixed up on the inside. I pushed it down and focused on her, on this day—the day she was coming home. She’d come so far. Just four weeks ago, I’d thought she wasn’t going to make it.
I had Gage to thank for the reality of her in my arms.
“Hi, baby. Sorry I’m late.” I deposited her in bed and took the seat next to her. “What’re you having for lunch?”
“Yucky peas.” She made a face, and I laughed.
Ian grinned at me from the other side of her bed. “No amount of bribing works. She won’t touch them. She did eat the macaroni and cheese though.” He rose to his feet and gestured toward the door. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure.” I swallowed my nervousness as he ushered me into the hall. He guided me down the corridor to where the elevators where. “Where are we going?” I asked.
“My office. We need some privacy for this conversation.”
I already dreaded what was coming. He’d given me plenty of space during the past two weeks, never voicing the questions he tried to hide. Apparently, that was about to change. We descended two floors, and he led me down a maze of hallways.
“How do you keep from getting lost?”
His mouth turned up as he unlocked the door to what I guessed was his office. “Trust me, I still get lost sometimes.” We entered a small, tidy space, and he pulled out a chair. “Have a seat.”
I sat twiddling my thumbs as he settled next to me. “What’s this about, Ian?” Something about the uncertain set of his mouth made my heart jump.
“I know the timing is shitty. You’re about to bring Eve home, and this definitely isn’t how I’d envisioned doing this…” He let out a breath and stood, and my heart started pounding when he bent to one knee. “But I love you, Kayla. I’ve spent the past seven years trying to right wrongs, trying to be good enough.” He withdrew a white box from the pocket of his slacks and opened it to reveal a tasteful solitaire. “Marry me.” His fingers curled around mine and squeezed. “I want to be here for you and Eve.”
I blinked, but the room wouldn’t stop spinning. His face swam in my vision. “I…I can’t.”
“If this is about Gage…” He trailed off and lowered his head. “If it’s about that last weekend you spent with him, I don’t need to know about it. It’s in the past. You did what you had to do. I understand that.”
“You don’t understand.” My voice cracked, and when he looked up, my tears spilled over.
“You’re in love with him? Kayla…what he did to you…
“I’m not in love with him.” I blinked and prepared to spill my guts. I hadn’t wanted him to know what I’d done, but he deserved the truth; at the very least, he deserved an explanation. “I went back to him last night. He didn’t blackmail me, didn’t force me. It was all me.”
He glanced up, his pain evident in the firm set of his jaw. “I don’t believe you.”
I swiped rivulets of moisture from my cheeks. “I slept with him. I even let him whip me.” Burying my face in my hands, I mumbled, “I don’t deserve you.”
He pulled my hands away. “Look at me.”
“I’m going to leave town as soon as I can.”
“No.” He shook his head. “Don’t leave. You mean everything to me. You think you don’t deserve me? It’s the other way around, Kayla.” He swallowed, and his hands trembled as he dragged them through his hair. “I’m not innocent in all this. Whatever you feel for him…he brainwashed you, but I put you in that position.”
I shook my head. “You didn’t know he was blackmailing me. It was a simple hug. Gage went off the deep end all on his own and for no reason at all.”
“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the reason he’s doing this to you.” He sucked in a deep breath. “I haven’t been honest with you. There are things in my past I never told you about.”
Suddenly, the subtle, white noise of the hospital roared in my ears; the soft scuff of sneakers padding down the hall, and the ticking of the clock above the door of his office. My gaze touched on everything but him—the framed degrees and certificates on the walls, the filing cabinets, and the picture sitting on the desk of an older woman with two little boys. Obviously, he shared the space with a colleague. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized how these inane thoughts provided a distraction. A much needed one, because no way was I ready to hear whatever he was about to say. He had yet to utter a word, yet I already felt the impact of what remained unspoken in the pit of my stomach.
He got up and paced the floor, growing more agitated with each step. “I was young and stupid, and I’ve lived with the shame for over a decade now. I’ve spent every moment since trying to make up for it.”
I cleared my throat. “Make up for what?”
“I was sixteen, popular and on top of the world, and my parents idolized me. All my dad cared about was my future in football. I was barely a junior, but I already had scouts looking at me. One night…it was just one night, but that night changed everything. It’s the reason I became a doctor.”
“What are you trying to tell me?”
“I’m saying that everything he’s done to you is my fault.” He fell into the chair beside me and dragged his hands through his hair. “I got drunk at a party…and was stupid enough to get behind the wheel.”
A deep chill speared through me. “What happened?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
“I rolled the car.” He buried his face in his hands for a moment, and when he looked up, his hazel eyes shone bright with the guilt he carried. “I had no business being with her in the first place, but she was older, and I fell hard.”
I knew what was coming next. I knew, but I didn’t want to hear it.
“Liz died. I killed her, and Gage has never forgiven me.”
“How…” I cleared my throat. “How do you know him?”
He visibly gulped, as if he could swallow the words and keep them locked away forever. “He’s my brother.”
31
Did everyone lie and keep secrets? The question looped in my mind as I unstrapped Eve from her car seat and helped her to her feet. She took off running toward our doorstep, and I scrambled to catch up with her, despising my state of distraction.
“Eve, wait for mommy.” I felt sick on the inside, disoriented, as if someone had turned me upside down and let all sense of reality tumble out. I couldn’t form a coherent thought. It was all garbled words and phrases coming together in my head, and none of it made sense.
“Mommy, what’s wrong?”
Even she could pick up on my chaotic state of mind. “Nothing, baby.” I faked a smile for her sake and pushed the door open into our dark apartment. I flicked on the light, so distracted that I didn’t realize anything was wrong until it was too late. The cold, hard barrel of a gun pressed into the back of my head, and though I couldn’t see him, I immediately recognized the familiarity of his body pressing against my backside.
“Go to your room, Eve,” he ordered. “I need to talk to mommy for a while.”
Her wide eyes met mine, much too knowing for a three-year-old. A tear fell down my cheek as I forced another smile. “It’s okay. Go. I bought you a doll. It’s on your bed.”
She hesitated, but the promise of a new toy lured her to safety.
Neither of us moved or said a word at first. The scent of his cologne, tarnished by the stench of whiskey, burned my nose. I swallowed the vomit rising in my throat. “What do you want?”
“What do you think I want?” he snapped.
“I don’t know.”
He snorted. “Don’t play dumb. You know I can’t stand it when you lie.”
“I’m not lying. Please…don’t hurt us.” He nudged the barrel into my scalp, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
“I’d never hurt my daughter, but you’re gonna pay.” He pushed me further into the living room, but a knock on the front door halted him. “Fuck.” Changing tactics, he tugged me in the direction of the door and folded his large body in the corner, keeping the gun trained on me. “Expecting someone?”
I shook my head.
“Good. Get rid of them.” His gaze, colorless in a face that was too quick to deceive, leveled me. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
I turned the handle and peered out, and as I met Gage’s stare, every part of me froze. I wanted to beg for his help, but Rick still had his gun pressed into my back.
“We’re not done yet, Kayla,” Gage leaned forward. “You’re nuts if you think you can show up on my doorstep and pretend it didn’t happen.”
I raised my hand to ward him off. “I just got home with Eve. Can we talk about this another time?”
His eyes narrowed and then traveled the length of my body. “Are you okay?”
