I'm Not Really Here, page 20
The feeling fades, because Mum has entered my mind. She never got to know that I was gay. She’ll never meet Harley.
‘Dad,’ I say, and the lump returns to my throat. ‘I miss Mum.’ A tear escapes my eye, but I don’t wipe it away.
‘I know you do, son. Maybe you can talk to someone about it, like you did when you were twelve.’
‘Maybe.’
Dad steps to me, standing by me for a moment. Then he hugs me, and the tears come out like I’ve been holding them in forever.
31
It’s Tuesday morning and Dad’s coughing and blowing his nose when I come out to the kitchen. He’s wearing his work uniform, sipping a glass of water with one hand and holding a scrunched tissue to his nose with the other.
‘Beware, son,’ he says. ‘I’m sick.’
‘Looks like it,’ I say, placing two slices of bread into the toaster.
‘There’s a grief counsellor in town. I’ll give her a call after I call in sick.’
Dad rings his boss, then the counsellor’s office. He’s giving them my background info, how Mum died, how I had nightmares for a while, how we got evicted and lived in a caravan park, how I didn’t really talk about Mum at all until we moved to Patience and how he feels like I need to talk to someone again, like I did when I was twelve.
It’s the school holidays now, and I wonder what Tegan, Zoey and Gordon are doing. I wonder if they have plans, if they’re hanging out, maybe going to the movies again. I wish I could see them, but maybe two weeks without seeing me is just what they need to realise they miss me and forgive me.
I’m also wondering what Harley is doing right now. We texted a bit yesterday. It took all my strength not to double-text him when he took more than a few minutes to reply. He hasn’t texted me yet this morning, and I don’t want to seem clingy or needy, but I think I’m about to text him first.
Dad ends the call and slides the phone back into his jeans pocket.
‘There’s a bit of a wait, but I’ve booked you in to see the grief counsellor next month,’ he says.
‘Okay.’
‘All right, I’m heading back to bed,’ Dad says. Zeke and Luke are in the living room, playing that car-racing game on the Xbox, and I’m surprised they’ve taken a break from watching SpongeBob.
I chew the last of my buttered toast. If Dad’s home today, that means I don’t have to look after the twins. As Yindy comes meowing around my ankles, my heart begins to race because I’m thinking about asking Harley if he wants to hang out, just the two of us.
Me: Hey x
Harley: Hey hows it going x
Me: I’m good. Soooo my dad is home sick, which means I can go out today. Do you want to hang or something?
Harley: I’ve gotta do some packing for my dad’s later, but yeah we can hang out if you want. Did you wanna come over?
I don’t want to come over – I want us to go out and do something, like a date. We’d be two boys going on a date.
Me: Was thinking we could go somewhere else, do some more of that kissing we did the other night…
Harley: Lol okay x, wanna go to Sambrick for a drive? Check out the beach? x
Me: Yes, I’d love to x
I have a shower, then change into black jeans and a white shirt. I pull on my purple hoodie and my shoes, knowing Harley is picking me up soon and we will drive to Sambrick and go for a long romantic walk on the beach, and it will be like our first actual date. That coffee shop visit and the audition won’t compare to this date. Along with the fireworks at the golf course, this will be a date we tell our kids about one day.
Just before midday, I watch Harley arrive from behind the front screen door. He pulls up at the front gate in his Corolla.
‘Be good,’ I say to Zeke and Luke, then I leave the house and close the front door behind me. When I climb into the passenger’s seat, my eyes catch the sight of Harley’s two little sisters, Elaine and Maisie, in booster seats in the back.
‘Sorry, I had to bring the girls cause Mum’s at work,’ Harley says.
‘Oh, okay.’ I look back to the girls. Elaine is yawning in a blue jumper and Maisie is wearing a princess costume.
‘Maisie’s going through her Snow White phase,’ Harley says.
‘Cool,’ I say. ‘Very pretty.’
‘Thanks,’ Maisie replies.
We drive out of my neighbourhood, pass the showground and Harley picks up speed as we head onto the highway. He turns up the music – Britney Spears – which he and the girls sing together. She’s no Kylie Minogue, but I do like Britney. I join in as we pass through some heavy bush on the highway, singing Oops… I did it again.
After about half an hour, the bushes part for us as we roll into Sambrick. Harley slows as we begin down a hill. You can see the whole town of Sambrick from here – the busy main street, the surrounding hills with houses and apartment blocks, the footy fields, the golden arches of a McDonald’s, and the endless blue ocean that rests beyond the shops and the traffic below.
‘Can we get Maccas?’ Elaine asks in the back.
‘Maybe just an ice-cream,’ Harley says.
In town, we pull into the McDonald’s drive-through. Harley orders the girls a soft-serve each, and chocolate sundaes for me and him. He pays for everything and this is not the date I had in mind. I definitely didn’t want his two sisters to be with us. It should’ve been just us, cruising along the highway with the window down. We could walk along the beach. We’d go so far up that no one could see us, and I would hold his hand as we walked. I’d kiss him and it’d be like we were boyfriends. Instead, we’re babysitting.
We drive back through town and pass restaurants and bars along the water. We pass the docks where boats are parked and families eat fish and chips on picnic tables overlooking the sea.
Out of town, we pull into a parking spot alongside wooden posts and knee-high shrubs growing in the sand. I follow everyone out of the car and the sisters race through the opening and onto the pathway down to the beach. I pop the lid off my sundae and dig my spoon in.
The sound of the rolling waves is loud, clashing with the traffic on the road.
‘Sorry,’ Harley says. ‘I had to bring them with me.’
‘It’s okay,’ I say. Maybe I shouldn’t be annoyed that his sisters are here. He had no choice.
We walk down the pathway until it ends and we step onto the beach. We both take off our shoes and socks and walk across the sand until Harley finds us a place to sit. The sky is grey and there’s a cool breeze blowing. I dig into my sundae, and so does Harley. We eat and watch seagulls standing in a huddle, while Elaine and Maisie collect shells from the wet sand.
‘Are you excited to see your dad?’ I ask Harley. He finishes his sundae and plants the plastic cup in the mouth of his shoe.
‘Excited? Nah. Just kind of okay, I guess.’
‘Okay?’
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I could take it or leave it. He’s got a Play Station Five though. He’s got this new game called Starfield I want to play.’
‘Oh, yeah. I’ve heard about that one.’ I haven’t actually, but the words came out of my mouth anyway. ‘Do you ever miss him?’
Harley scrunches his lips to one side. ‘Mmm, nah, not usually. I kind of miss when he and Mum were together, when we all lived together. But they fought all the time. It was probably the best thing, that they broke up. And he calls, anyway. Ever since he discovered FaceTime, we can’t get rid of him again.’
I chuckle, and so does Harley. His sisters continue following the wet sand along the beach, headed towards the rocks at the far end.
‘Come on,’ he says, standing with his shoes. ‘Better keep up with them.’
I finish my sundae as we walk. The sand is a real mission to walk through. Harley’s getting further ahead of me and my calves are starting to burn. It’s a cold day, but I’m sweating. I try to pick up my speed to catch up with Harley, but I decide to pivot to the wet sand, knowing it’ll be easier to walk on.
The wet sand is icy beneath my feet. The water brushes past my ankles after it crashes and rolls into shore. I turn to look out to sea for a moment. There’s a big rock out there, a few hundred metres away where the water is probably black and the sea floor is unseen below. The peak of the rock nudges its head out of the water, as if it’s coming up for air.
Harley changes his direction and makes for me across the sand. He reaches me and bumps his shoulder gently into mine with a smile.
‘What you thinkin’ bout, Jonah?’ he asks.
‘Just thinking,’ I say.
‘About what?’
‘About you,’ I say. Harley giggles.
‘What about me?’
‘Guess.’
‘Hmm.’ Harley strokes an invisible beard at the end of his chin, where stubble is growing. ‘You’re thinking about how you wish you could kiss me right now.’
‘Nope,’ I say.
‘Umm, you’re thinking about sleeping in my bed with me the other night.’
‘Nope.’
‘Okay, I give up,’ Harley says. ‘What are you thinking about?’
I glance down to his hand, swinging by his side, strong and brown.
‘I’m thinking about holding your hand,’ I say.
‘Really?’ Harley giggles.
‘Yeah. It’d be cute.’
Ahead of us, there are two fishermen standing on the shore with lines cast out to sea. They’re both older white men with grey beards, wearing flannel shirts and board shorts. Ahead of them, Harley’s sisters are climbing onto the rocks, still collecting shells as they go.
‘You know we can’t do that,’ Harley says. ‘Not right now.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘I’m just imagining that we are.’
‘Right now?’
‘Yep. Right now, we’re holding hands. It’s warm and cute.’
Harley nudges my shoulder with his again as we pass the fishermen. We reach the rocks and Harley’s the first to climb up. The rocks are black and rough. Between them, rockpools have formed from the waves that splash over them. Harley’s sisters are climbing around, remarking about crabs and starfish they’re seeing.
Harley lands on the sand between rocks, where a small puddle of water fills and empties with each wave that comes in and out. I jump down to the sand as well, landing right beside Harley. Behind me, the rocks have blocked the view of the beach. Harley’s sisters climb away, around the other side, and now they’re blocked from our view as well.
Harley turns to me and before I can even register his face in front of me, his lips are on mine and his arms are around my shoulders. I kiss him back and hug him tight. We kiss hard and it’s even better than the kisses we had the other night on the golf course and in his bedroom. With my eyes closed, I feel only Harley. I hear only the waves crashing against the rocks, Maisie’s voice in the distance and the smacking of our lips as we kiss.
Harley releases me, catching his breath. He takes his arms away, looking around us – I guess to make sure his sisters haven’t sprung us. I step back, go to climb up the rocks, then I turn back to Harley who is following me.
‘Do you still like me?’ I ask.
‘I still like you.’
‘Good,’ I say, then I climb up the rocks. I guess kissing me was his way of telling me there’s nothing to worry about, that it’s only a matter of time before we can have actual dates with just the two of us and that we could hold hands. We are a thing.
After the girls collect some more shells from the rocks, we walk to Harley’s car and drive back to Patience.
When Harley drops me off at my house, he tells me he’ll text me while he’s at his dad’s. Before I close his door, I want nothing more than one last kiss, but I just offer a smile. I watch him drive away with his little sisters, sand still stuck between my toes, and I feel like I am in love. Like, for real.
32
The school holidays are over and it’s Monday morning – the first day back at school. I’m in the car with Dad. I’m so excited to see Harley. I have accepted the fact that, yes, I am falling in love with him, and I’m pretty sure he’s falling in love with me. In the car, I reread the texts me and Harley shared while he was away at his dad’s.
Me: Are you at your dad’s now?
Harley: Yeah, just got here. My arse is asleep from the drive lol
Me: I miss you x
Harley: I miss you too x
Me: What you doin x
Harley: Playing Starfield. It’s mad! You? x
Me: Just babysitting while dad’s at work. X
Me: Whatchu doing now? x
Harley: Just having dinner. Forgot how good dad’s spag bol is lol you? x
Me: Just having some ice-cream. Hurry up and come back! X
Harley: Lol I’ll see you in a week xxxx
Me: That’s fucking forever xx
Me: Hey, I miss you! I haven’t heard from you since last night. You didn’t even say goodnight
Harley: Sorry! I crashed early x
Harley: Dad’s making us go camping. Might not get good reception for a couple of days. I miss you xx
Me: That’s okay xx have fun.
Harley: What you up to? X
Me: Dad’s just gone to work, so making breakfast.
Harley: It’s like lunchtime lol
Me: What’s your point haha
Me: Hey x
Me: What you doing? Xx
Me: Oh I forgot you don’t have reception. Sorry for all the messages, I’ll talk to you when you’re back in the real world x
Harley: Hey! Sorry, haven’t had a signal for a few days. I missed you. How does camping look on me? xx
Instead of reading the next messages, I open the photo Harley sent me after that last message. His hair was all messy and frizzy. His stubble had grown to a dirty length and he’d honestly never looked hotter to me.
We arrive at school. I take my backpack and climb out of the car. Dad says something to me as I close the door, but I don’t hear him – my eyes are focused straight ahead. Tegan has climbed off the bus and is walking straight for me. We arrive at the gates at the same time.
‘Hey,’ I say. Tegan glances at me, then turns and walks through the gates without saying a word. She climbs the stairs, and I’m stuck standing at the bottom watching her leave. I miss being her friend. I really miss her.
But all is okay, because I kind-of-maybe have a boyfriend, don’t I? Are we boyfriends now? The night of the grand final with Harley felt very boyfriendly. The walk along the beach and the hidden kiss in the rocks before he went to visit his dad’s felt very boyfriendly.
I walk into school, feeling more confident and excited with each step I take, because I’m gonna see Harley soon. I miss him so much. It’s actually kind of sad how much I miss him – I only saw him yesterday.
I pass through the quad and climb the stairs to Mr Dudley’s classroom. As soon as I hit the landing, I hear Harley’s voice. He’s climbing the stairs behind me, talking to someone. Soon, Harley and Jack arrive at the top of the staircase. Jack gives me a nod as he passes and Harley stops beside me.
‘Hey,’ I say.
‘Hey.’
Harley’s hair looks a lot neater than in the camping pic, and his face is cleanly shaven. I reach my hand for his, painfully aware of how hard I am smiling as I do so. I reach for his hand, remembering how we kissed, cuddled, how he drove me home and said he had a great time with me, how we kissed in the secrecy of the rocks at the beach and how we texted all holidays, saying we missed each other. As I take his fingers in mine, he wrenches his hand away and steps back from me.
‘Whoa,’ he says. ‘What are you doing?’
I feel every piece of fat in my body shudder. The smile falls from my face and my head begins to spin.
‘What?’ I ask, and I realise I’ve done something wrong. Harley isn’t out yet and I’ve just touched his hand at school. Now, he is looking at me like I’m just the stupid fat boy.
‘Not here,’ he says, looking over my shoulder and along the corridor, probably making sure no one saw me touch his hand. He rushes past me before I can say anything else and disappears into Mr Dudley’s classroom.
It’s like concrete blocks have formed around my feet. I’m stuck where I’m standing, at the top of the stairs, opposite the door to the classroom. I want to run away, run home, climb under my blanket and never come out again. Instead, I’m frozen.
I hear Mum’s voice, telling me I only have to be brave for a few minutes.
I walk into the classroom and take a seat in the empty front row. Mr Dudley calls the roll, reads the announcements. Behind me, Jack and Harley are whispering. Mr Dudley tells Jack to be quiet. Jack argues back that it was Harley talking to him, but I’m not really here. I’m still in that moment when Harley took his hand away from me, where he asked what I was doing.
At the end of roll call, I’m the first one out of the classroom. Harley’s so close I could touch him, but I don’t know that I could look at him without crying.
Along the balcony and into the corridor, I’m replaying Harley taking his hand away from mine. It was like his hand had touched runny diarrhoea and he had to fling it away as quickly as possible to keep safe.
I’m not in first period Biology, or second period Maths, even though my body is present.
At recess, I head to the seniors’ area. I pass Gordon, Zoey and Tegan sitting at their hangout. They’re talking about something funny, laughing. Tegan’s back at school and they’re all together again, just like they were before I turned up. They don’t miss me.
I start for the boys’ hangout, but I see Harley munching down a sweet chilli chicken burger. I can’t be around Harley right now, knowing how awful it was for him – the thought of my hand touching his. I can’t sit with them.
I turn and start for a tree in the middle of the grassy area where some groups are in circles eating their food. I sit down and lean against the tree, take my earphones from my backpack and plug them into my ears. I play ‘Kiss Me Once’ by Kylie Minogue and take out my lunchbox.
