Reborn in Ash, page 21
“I… Thank you for trying. I needed to see her and understand.”
“And now she’s come, has it made her departure easier to bear?”
“Actually, yes. I know she’s got a good reason. I know she doesn’t hate me.”
“Keep that close to your heart in the days to come.” Fawziyya returned to the sitting room, leaving Ada to think over everything as she pushed porridge around her bowl.
She’d come close to betraying her fellow mages, especially Tabitha, who’d asked her not to risk their lives by breaking out. It was only because Ada had ended up saving Maisie that she was forgiven. The sickening truth of it was, she’d have done it all over again if Clara hadn’t come to visit, even if it meant losing Tabitha’s friendship forever. Clara was something else in Ada’s heart. It was something more than friendship, something different to romance. It was above all that, and now it was gone. Ada tried to hold back the resurgence of tears, but they slid onto her pillow.
Though her wounds had been closed and bandaged, they kept her in constant agony. The physical pain distracted her from the agony in her heart, and she drifted in and out of sleep, vaguely aware that night came, followed by day. Sleep’s grip was too tight for her to eat the simple food Fawziyya brought at mealtimes.
The next night, her sleep was fitful, her dreams full of guards gutting her while Clara watched with indifference. Something tugged Ada awake. Sweat plastered her clothes to her, and the world was blurred and distant, as if she looked up from the bottom of a pond.
“Fetch the royal physician,” Tamir said across her to someone.
“The king will never send him,” Fawziyya replied.
“Tell him his best hope of holding against Rin is dying from an infection.” Footsteps left, then Tamir took Ada’s hand in his. “You must live, Ada, or Maisie will forever think you traded your life for hers.”
How was it Tamir kept being the one to tell her to live? Strangely, the touch of his essen on her wounds didn’t sicken her. It reminded her Clara wasn’t the only one who’d fought the king for her. But more than that, she refused to let her death define Maisie’s life.
Chapter twenty-three
What Makes a Family
Even after the king eventually sent his physician, Ada hung between life and death. The combined effect of grief and infection might well have killed her if she hadn’t broken her oath to never care about anyone again. Tamir was most often at her bedside in her waking moments, but sometimes it was Tabitha and Laith. Once, she sensed Quinn’s astia and tried to escape across the bed, until she woke and saw Maisie there too. She clung to Quinn, whose eyes were full of concern for the girl.
Seeing Maisie while gripped by fever made Ada relive Elizabeth’s last days with horrifying clarity. Each time she woke from those nightmares, she could smell the sweat that had clung to her sister, feel it on her skin and soaking her clothes. She could still hear that last rasping breath.
In a moment of true weakness, when the memories were too much to bear, she wailed, only to find herself in Tamir’s arms. He was surprisingly gentle, and he shushed her as if she were a child, reminding her he’d lost his children to the ash plague. Did he have the same nightmares? Torn between wanting to hate him for failing to stand against Goldaxe and being grateful for all he’d done, she leaned into his embrace until peaceful sleep claimed her.
Ada didn’t know how many weeks of recovery and sleeping off her grief had passed when Tamir pressed a letter into her hand. It had taken him a while to rouse her, and he had to help her sit up so she could read the note.
My dearest Ada,
Tomorrow is my birthday. The best present I could get is hearing you’ve got out of bed and eaten.
Sincerely yours still,
Clara
“Why didn’t she write to me sooner?” Ada croaked.
“I expect she was trying to be kind, to let you move on. But she asks about you every day.” He left, and the room was cold without him.
Alone for the first time in weeks, Ada looked at Clara’s letter. She hadn’t known when Clara’s birthday was. She didn’t even know the current date. But she would find out, and she would burn Clara’s birthday into her heart. First, she needed to get up.
Technically, she had been getting out of bed. She had vague memories of Fawziyya shooing Tamir out and helping her onto a chamber pot. But Ada knew that wasn’t what Clara meant. If she could make it to the sitting room, it would be a start. Yet even that wasn’t as easy as it sounded.
Ada shuffled to the edge of the mattress and stood on shaking legs. She leaned heavily on the bed as she shuffled around it, and by the time she made it halfway she was panting like an old dog. Rolling across the bed might have been better, but given her state, she probably would have got stuck face down or flopped around like a fish on land.
Once she made it to the bed’s far corner, she sat staring at the distance between her and the door. It was only a few feet, but in that moment, it was like staring at a distant hill. If she got too tired halfway, she’d have to sit on the floor to rest, and she doubted she could get up again. She kept staring until she forced herself to think about Clara. What kind of birthday would she have, worrying about Ada lying in bed like some useless slob? No, Ada would make it to the door, then the sofa. She had to. For Clara’s sake.
Full of determination, Ada stood up and walked.
She made it three steps into the sitting room before she collapsed. The thud brought Fawziyya running from across the room, and she called for help. One of the ladies who sometimes brought meals came rushing in. She and Fawziyya got Ada to a sofa, filling her with shame. She was young. She’d been fit and healthy. She shouldn’t have needed their help. But she did.
“Thank you,” Ada said to the woman as she left. It dawned on her that she’d never bothered to learn the woman’s name. She hung her head. “I’ve let myself grow weak. I bet my magic is back to where it started.”
“Consider that your punishment,” Fawziyya said. “You can train your magic again.”
“I’m amazed Tamir didn’t take my ethelid. I’m sure he won’t let things go just because I reunited Maisie and Laith.”
Fawziyya pressed a bowl of simple broth into Ada’s hands. “As I said, consider your weakened state your punishment. Tamir believes it’s enough to teach you a lesson. Now, stop letting grief and guilt win. You’re a strong woman. You can get through this.”
A laugh bubbled out of Ada’s throat. “Strong? Why, because I survived the ash plague? So did everyone else.”
“Few Asoreans this far north lost people. Even in the south, not many were left alone like you were. Then you discovered magic, accidentally killed a man – a prince at that – and faced the king’s justice. You were thrust into a life you didn’t really choose. And even if someone else lived that exact life, it doesn’t cancel out what you’ve been through. It just means there would be someone who understood you. Eat.”
A tear rolled down Ada’s cheek and fell into the broth, sending a ripple across its surface. Fawziyya returned to pottering about the room. As Ada ate, her tears kept coming, and for once, she didn’t try to hold them back. By the time she finished eating, her cheeks were dry again, and some of the grey had lifted from the world.
“Will you make sure Clara knows?” she said. “That I’m up and eating.”
Fawziyya took the bowl, then brought over a tray of writing materials and set it on Ada’s lap. “Why not tell her yourself?”
Ada took up the quill, but it shook too much in her hand. “Will you write for me? Please.”
Fawziyya sat beside Ada and took the tray. “I would be honoured.”
Dearest Clara,
I have no sachet to send for your birthday, but perhaps this news will lift your mood instead. I am out of bed, and I have eaten. I’m sorry I worried you and everyone else. Being so ill it… Forgive me. I don’t mean to make excuses, but you of everyone will know I like to explain my reasons. I have been lost not only to fever but to memories of Elizabeth. It was all so vivid, I couldn’t tell what was memory and what was real. At times, I wanted to disappear into those dreams so I could be with Elizabeth again. But it wasn’t her. She’s gone.
I will try harder to be grateful for what I still have.
Your jeweller,
Ada
It took Ada’s strength a month to return, and the embarrassment of needing help for so long sank humility into her bones. Though recovered, she stayed in her rooms, unable to face everyone. There was some comfort to be had in the fact Clara replied to her letters, but the tone was more formal, the content impersonal. Once, Clara even commented on the weather.
“Aren’t you going to train your magic?” Fawziyya asked one day. They were sitting at a table by the window, playing a Lokan game Fawziyya had taught Ada where they moved dried seeds between shallow pits on a board, sewing and capturing them.
Ada captured one of Fawziyya’s seeds. “Could Tamir ask Sam to make me a stone room in here for training?”
Fawziyya heaved a sigh that seemed to carry the weight of the world. “I don’t think it would suit your room’s furnishings.” Pinning Ada with a stare, she captured five seeds without looking, winning the game. “You’ll have to leave eventually.”
“Why? I’m quite enjoying the hermit life.”
“Only because of the company I provide. Perhaps I should leave you alone for a week, see how you like cleaning by yourself.” Her gaze grew too piercing, and Ada looked out of the window.
“Now Maisie’s settled, I’m sure everyone’s remembered I planned to risk their lives to see Clara that night. They don’t come by anymore.”
“I believe given your turn in mood, they are giving you space. You’ve been like a hedgehog with them in the past, after all.”
“What should I do?”
“Stop moping and go to them.” Fawziyya packed the game away and left. Ada waited, hoping she’d come back, but when the sun reached its peak and no food arrived, it became clear Fawziyya wouldn’t return.
Driven by hunger, Ada made her way down to the dining room. Everyone stared at her when she opened the door. She froze, unsure what to say, but Tabitha walked to her and pulled her into a hug. Ada allowed the embrace for a while before wriggling free. So much time had passed, yet she still needed to face what she’d done.
“You’re not upset with me? Surely Laith told you he found me already out of my room that night.”
“Don’t you see? You could have gone to Clara even then. But you didn’t. You chose to save Maisie.”
“I want to be honest with you. I’m not sorry I broke out, but I am sorry I lied to you about it.”
“Then I think perhaps you’re beginning to remember what friendship is.”
There was a bang on the table, drawing Ada’s focus to Maisie. She sat between Quinn and Sam, a knife in her hand with the butt on the table. She set it down and started moving her hands in slow but sure movements. Ada’s heart sank.
“I’m sorry, Maisie. I never learnt to sign.”
Quinn scoffed. “Commoners and your lack of education.”
“You barely knew it either,” Shukri said. It earnt him a glare. “I can’t believe you don’t learn it as children in Asorea.”
“Most Lokans know how to sign,” Tamir said, signing at the same time despite Maisie being able to hear. It must have been to make sure she didn’t feel different. Other. Ada studied the signs Tamir made as he spoke. “I’ve been teaching Maisie and the others. You should join our lessons, Ada. For now, I can interpret.”
Ada took her seat at the table. “Were you asking me something, Maisie?”
“Why have you been gone so long?” Maisie signed.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been sad about someone leaving, and I thought I had to be alone while feeling that way. But I was reminded that friends aren’t only for happy times.”
Maisie jumped down from her chair and ran around the table. She threw her arms around Ada before stepping back to sign. “I was sad too. Now I have all these friends to play with. Thank you for–” She bit her lip, then turned to Tamir and made some more signs he didn’t interpret. He signed something slowly to her, and she repeated it to Ada. “Thank you for giving me this new family.”
Ada’s eyes stung, and she swept Maisie into another hug. For the first time, she realised what she’d really gained in choosing to stay in the compound instead of running from her crimes. She looked at Tamir over Maisie’s shoulder. With her hand flat, she put her fingertips to her chin then moved her hand out and down. “Thank you.”
Chapter twenty-four
A Little Joy
After that meal, Maisie visited Ada often, and Ada did her best to smile for the girl. Yet whenever Laith came across his sister outside the dining room, he made excuses to leave. Maisie always watched him go with sad eyes. It was hard to witness, but Laith needed time to forgive himself. In his eyes, he’d stolen Maisie’s voice. If only he would realise Maisie was fast gaining a new one. She watched Tamir with determination during their sign language lessons, and she practised with Lokans every chance she got. Her enthusiasm was infectious. Ada started communicating with Fawziyya in only signs, no matter how hard it was. She wished she could say it was entirely for Maisie’s sake, but she’d come to a realisation. Mages could use sign language to communicate silently in the dark.
As Ada’s physical strength grew, she returned to training her magic. The first time she lifted a stone from a pile, she quickly set it down again. Sweat beaded on her brow, and not from the warmth of the summer’s day. Her magic was in worse shape than she’d realised. Trying again, she clung to the magic until the stone was in her hand. The world spun around her, and she leaned back against the wall to ground herself. She’d barely closed her eyes when Tabitha and Laith arrived.
“Are you all right?” Tabitha asked.
“I feel like a dog past its prime.”
“You were alone when you learnt to do this before. Please, let us help you this time.” She smiled and squeezed Ada’s hand.
Despite how hard it was to use magic, Tabitha’s encouragement helped Ada push herself. Exhaustion gripped her by the end of the day, to the point she had to lean on Laith to get back to the manor, but there was no headache, and it felt good to have used magic again. Her mood slipped when Laith stopped by the manor’s entrance.
Quinn and Maisie were cutting sprigs from lavender growing in a border garden, and Quinn wore a genuine smile. The pair looked like mother and daughter. Ada glanced at Laith, wondering if the sight would upset him. But though his eyes were sad, he was smiling at Maisie for the first time since they rescued her.
Tamir wasn’t as happy with Quinn’s new role. At dinner, he reminded her she was a mage and insisted she spend at least two hours a day at the training field. From the next day, Tabitha spent those hours with Maisie, and Ada joined her, determined to prepare the girl for when she’d eventually be given an ethelid. They played hide-and-seek in the woods, much like Ada and Tabitha had with Clara. Although Maisie’s range was short, the rest of her ability almost matched Ada’s, allowing her to sense through wood and around objects. She’d probably used her skill to avoid her father. Ada didn’t want Maisie to know such fear again.
The days grew hotter, then began to cool, but that seemed the only change in the compound. Everyone had settled into a new routine with Maisie at its centre. She was a bright spark that even the most jaded souls couldn’t ignore. It hurt Ada at times to play with Maisie the way she once did with Elizabeth, yet it was already too late for her heart. Everyone loved Maisie, but perhaps none more than Quinn.
While Laith was Maisie’s brother, he was happy to step aside and allow Quinn to do what none of them could bear to. Discipline Maisie. It came as a shock to Ada that Quinn was gentle about it. If she could ever bring herself to overlook Sam’s commoner status, they would surely have their own children one day. But little by little, Quinn became a real mother to Maisie. Even Sam took on a fatherly role, of sorts. More than once, Quinn berated Sam at dinner for trying to teach Maisie how to work the forge.
One matter everyone continued to agree on was that Maisie wouldn’t be given an ethelid, even though she was growing curious about them. She was mature enough to understand Ada’s descriptions of how magic was used, but the moment she proved she could pull magic from an ethelid, she would become a weapon in the king’s eyes. No one wanted that for her, especially as Rin had pushed Yrian forces back through the lands long contested at their border. If Rin continued as they were, Yriah might fall before Clara had a chance to rally her people.
Unable to forget the threat of war, Ada pushed herself with training. Riding and survival skills first thing, followed by duelling with Shukri, then magic for every remaining scrap of time she wasn’t eating or playing with Maisie. She dragged Laith and Tabitha along as much as she could, determined to perfect combining her magic with theirs. Together, they turned her stones into projectiles more powerful than any siege weapon.
On the morning of Erimus, the autumn equinox, the walls of the training area fell. By midday, nothing was left except rubble. Ada cheered, and Tabitha hugged Laith before quickly embracing Ada instead. The day was one of celebration, but the moment was ruined by Tamir’s approach.
“Good work,” he said. “Now, hand me your ethelids.”
“What?” Ada practically growled the word, and even Tabitha glared at him. All it did was make the corner of Tamir’s mouth quirk up.
