The Cost of Atonement, page 13
The bullet had struck her thigh, right below her hip. The small orb was still lodged in place in need of removal. Rose laid on the opposite side to keep pressure off the wound.
Rose’s water had broken sometime during the ride to the cabin, adding to the complications. Mrs. Johnson had checked and estimated there would be enough time to remove the bullet before the baby came, but they would need to act quickly.
“Please, save my baby,” Rose whimpered as tears ran down her dirt-stained cheeks. “Something’s not right. I feel it. Save my baby.”
“Your baby will be fine. We will meet him soon. But, first, we need to worry about mama first.”
Anna rushed through the bedroom door medical bag in hand. Virginia wrung the last of the rags and brought it over to the pile on the small table next to Rose’s bedside.
“Alright, girls, I’m going to need your help. Anna, I need you to hold her hand. This is going to be very painful. Whatever you do, make sure she stays on her side.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Anna said as she ran to the side of the bed and knelt before Rose. She took her hands into her own and assumed the mantle of comforting the fear reflected in Rose’s eyes. Anna hummed her favorite hymn, “Amazing Grace,” as she stroked a gentle hand over Rose’s forehead.
“And, you. I need you to keep wiping the blood away as I dig out the bullet. I need to be able to see what I’m doing, so just keep wiping.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Virginia said as she grabbed the tray of warm rags from the bedside table, placing it in her lap when she sat on the bed behind Rose.
Mrs. Johnson dug through the bag and pulled out the tools she would need, which included a probe to dig out the bullet, suture thread and needle, bandages, and a bottle of whiskey. She laid the items out neatly on the bed so she could have easy access to them.
She poured the whiskey over the needle and probe to sanitize them. Once she was ready, she gave Virginia and Anna a nod to signal it was time for their part to begin.
Anna clamped down even tighter on Rose’s hands and increased the volume of her humming. Rose’s agonizing scream split the air as Mrs. Johnson dug the probe into her wounded flesh. Virginia picked up a rag and, with shaky hands, wiped away the blood that oozed from the wound.
Mrs. Johnson leaned in and tilted her head to try to get a better visual of the bullet. She shifted the probe fractional amounts causing Rose to cry out repeatedly. “Look inside my bag and pull out the leather strap. Have her bite down on it,” Mrs. Johnson instructed Anna.
She did as she was told and rummaged through the bag until she found the strap. Mrs. Johnson stopped moving the probe until Anna placed the strap in Rose’s mouth.
“Bite down hard on that, dear, whenever you feel the pain,” Mrs. Johnson commanded.
Rose gave a weak nod. Virginia used one of the rags to wipe the sweat and tears from Rose’s face as she moaned and cried around the leather in her mouth.
Mrs. Johnson continued the procedure, moving the probe to find the bullet. Rose bucked and twitched occasionally, but Anna held her down reducing the movement. Mrs. Johnson dug around a little longer. “I think I found it.” She twisted the probe one last time, clamped it around the bullet, and pulled it out.
Virginia placed a rag over the wound to staunch the blood flow. Her heart beat an erratic tempo in her chest. Each of Rose’s cries of pain tore a new hole in her heart. She tried her best to keep her clammy hands away from Rose’s warm skin so as not to add to her discomfort.
Mrs. Johnson used one of the rags to wipe the blood from her hands. “That’s it, dear. The worst is over.” She picked up the bottle of whiskey and peeled back the rag Virginia held over the wound and poured the amber liquid over it.
Rose released another muffled scream, her chest heaving up and down while her cheeks inflated and deflated rapidly as she inhaled and exhaled rapid breaths.
Mrs. Johnson threaded the needle, tied it off, then began to close the wound. It only took six stitches, and then it was over. “You did great. It’s over now.”
Mrs. Johnson placed a bandage over the wound and held it in place, while she and Anna rolled Rose onto her back. She wiped her hands clean again, then poured the whiskey over them. After drying them, she lifted the hem of Rose’s chemise to check on the progress of her delivery.
“Looks like the baby is impatient to meet you. Rest for a little bit. We will get new rags and fresh hot water. You’ll need to deliver the baby soon,” Mrs. Johnson said as she rose from the bed then walked out of the room.
Virginia and Anna climbed in the bed each lying on either side of Rose. They cuddle close, careful not to aggravate her wound. Virginia grasped Anna’s and Rose’s hands, clutching them in hers.
“I don’t know if you ladies would agree, but the end of the day cannot come soon enough,” Anna said.
Rose and Virginia chuckled.
“It would appear we need to welcome my child into the world first,” Rose replied in a weary tone.
“You know, that is a perfect way to end the day. End it with love and goodness,” Anna replied. “God knows the world needs it.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
CHARLES SAT IN A ROCKER on the cabin’s front porch next to Richard. Mrs. Johnson had come out several hours ago to inform them that she had removed the bullet from Rose’s shoulder and sewn the wound shut. Overcome with joy, Richard had fallen to his knees weeping.
Charles’s heart had frozen in his chest as he watched the other man. It had been a long time since he’d seen something that stirred his heart so much.
Now they waited for more news as the women delivered the baby. The anticipation was maddening. Mr. Johnson had suggested that they join him in tending his crops to keep their bodies and minds occupied, but they had declined. Charles now regretted that decision.
“Rose changed my life,” Richard said in a voice soft with affection, breaking the silence between them. “I had no purpose before her. I squandered my wealth, chasing fleeting pleasures. I was empty. But Rose saw the mess that I was, and she loved me anyway. She loved me so well I wanted to be a better man for her. I wanted to give her the world, because she deserves nothing less.”
Richard stared off, unseeing into the distance. Charles said nothing. He waited for Richard to find his words and continue to unburden his heart.
“When I saw the blood. When I thought I could lose her, I...” Richard choked on his words. He released a heavy breath to bring his emotions under control. “I don’t know what I would do without her.”
“You won’t have to find out,” Charles replied in a reassuring tone. “Her wound will heal. She’ll deliver your child, and you will raise it together as you grow old together. Banish all thoughts of the contrary from your mind.”
“You’re right.” Richard relaxed back into his chair and stared into the distance lost in thought. A companionable silence descended between them.
Charles understood Richard’s fear. Heart stopping terror that you will be too late or not enough to protect the one you love from harm. Wanting to give up everything, even your own life, if it means they will be safe. Fear born of loving someone else more than yourself.
Watching as bullets flew past Virginia, missing her by mere inches, nearly drove Charles mad. He’d wanted to throw her to the ground and cover her with his body to absorb the bullets but knew that wouldn’t truly keep her safe. His gratitude knew no bounds that she had been spared the pain of a physical battle wound. The emotional wounds, they would deal with together.
Charles’s and Richard’s heads snapped to attention at the sound of the cabin door creaking open. Mrs. Johnson walked onto the front porch, wiping her hands on a hand towel. She kept her eyes cast to the ground, not meeting their gazes. Silence stretched between them as Richard and Charles waited for her to deliver news of Rose and the baby.
“Ain’t no easy way to say this, so I’ll get to the point. Rose didn’t make it. She bled out after the delivery.”
The words exploded in Charles’s chest, blowing his heart into tiny pieces. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t think. His head turned at a sluggish pace toward Richard. His eyebrows furrowed as he took in the other man. Richard was on his knees, head thrown back, mouth open as he howled his agony, but Charles heard nothing. It was as if all the sound had been sucked from the world. He shook his head, trying to clear it. And then it hit him.
Misery, grief, and heartache, given life in the cries of a man who would never be the same again. Richard roared his pain like a desperate hurting animal. Charles took it all in, trying to memorize every second of this moment because he knew it would haunt him until the day he died. In the midst of the pain, a ray of light sliced through the darkness of Charles’s mind. “The baby?” Charles asked.
“Babies,” Mrs. Johnson corrected. “A boy and a girl. They are both healthy.”
Charles gave thanks for the small miracle. Rising from his chair, he stepped in front of Richard and pulled him to his feet. “Did you hear her? You’re a father now. You have two people who depend on you now. The last two parts of Rose. They need you to be strong now. To focus on them.”
“I...I can’t. Not right now.” Richard jerked free of Charles’s grasp and stormed down the steps.
Charles watched him go, heart breaking anew.
VIRGINIA SAT ON THE riverbank staring at her reflection in the water. The movement of her feet as she swirled them in the water caused a ripple that distorted her features. It was fitting. A true reflection of her heart. Twisted and mangled to the point of being unrecognizable.
Another friend was lost. Another soul wrongfully separated from the ones they loved and who loved them back. When would it end? When would men no longer feel the need to harm and kill each other?
The sound of heavy footsteps coming closer reached Virginia’s ears, but she did not turn to face the intruder. Finding words to comfort another person was a task she didn’t have the energy to complete at the moment.
“There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you.”
Charles’s smooth rich voice glided over her like a calming balm on her aching heart. Virginia wanted to jump up and throw herself into his arms. To draw the comfort she so desperately needed from his warm embrace. But she stayed where she was, eyes glued to her reflection in the water. “Yes. Here I am,” she replied in a flat dull tone.
Charles sat down next to Virginia, so close their shoulders brushed with each breath she took. She wanted to lay her head against his shoulder and sit quietly giving and receiving comfort. But her back remained rigid and she made no moves to act on her desires.
“How are you feeling?” Charles asked.
Virginia gave a humorless laugh. “How am I feeling? How is one supposed to feel after watching a friend die? Especially after watching that friend cheat death once and being given false hope, only to have it ripped away hours later.”
Charles said nothing in reply. For that she was grateful. What could one say? What words could someone use that would have meaning in a time like this?
Charles reached out an arm to wrap around her shoulders and pull her close.
“No,” Virginia said as she leaned away from his embrace. “Don’t touch me.”
“I only want to comfort you.”
“I know. Which is why I don’t want you to touch me. I don’t want your comfort. I need to get through this on my own.”
“Why? You’re not in this alone. You don’t feel this pain alone. Do you think I’m not devastated as well? I need to receive comfort from you just as much as I need to give it. Why are you denying us this?”
“Because the pain is too great.”
Charles ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “I don’t understand.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Please leave me alone.” Virginia pulled her feet out of the water and brought her knees up to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs, hugging herself tightly. All the while, she kept her eyes averted from Charles. Dismissing him.
“I don’t understand you, Virginia. You continue to pull away from me, when all I want to do is give you love, comfort, and support. Here.”
Charles reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter. Eyebrows furrowed, Virginia’s questioning eyes looked from the letter to Charles. He said nothing as he held it out to her. Virginia took the letter from his hands and stared at it. Scrawled across the front in her father’s bold handwriting were the words To Charles and Virginia.
“It is from your father. The letter he gave me on the day we wed. He wrote in it a section for you and told me to give it to you when I’d finally won your heart. But I don’t think that shall ever be, so I give it to you now. I don’t know what it says. I didn’t read past what was meant for me, but may you find peace with his words.” Charles stood from beside her and began to walk away.
Virginia watched him go wanting to call out to him. Wanting to unburden her heart and tell him all that plagued her. To shout, I do! I do love you! But she didn’t. Her lips remained sealed, and the words both their hearts needed to hear remained locked inside.
Chapter Twenty-Five
EVEN IN THE EARLY MORNING light of a new day, the pain had not lessened, but it was tinted with the joy of possibility. Virginia stood next to Richard, staring at the small wooden box deep in the earth. Some might say that all that remained of Rose lay in that box. But Virginia knew better.
The last remnants of Rose lay sleeping in her and Richard’s arms. She looked down into the angelic face of the little boy she held close and saw Rose clear as day. In his bow-shaped lips and round nose. One day, when he was older, Rose would appear in his character. In the way he loved and gave generously.
Richard named the children Roseline and Ashton. Ashton had many of Rose’s features, but his father’s pale cream skin and green eyes. Roseline was a beautiful mixture of them both with a light wheat complexion and honey eyes. Virginia could already tell her beauty would capture the attention and heart of many men. Richard would have his hands full keeping the suitors at bay.
They stood quietly as the pastor said a few words meant to give comfort to the living. Once he was done, Charles and Mr. Johnson picked up their shovels and began filling the hole with dirt. Virginia looked across the small hole, which could have been a canyon for all the hurt feelings and unspoken words between her and Charles. He hadn’t spoken to her the remainder of last night or this morning. And she didn’t blame him.
“Walk with me,” Richard whispered to Virginia. He turned and began walking from the graveyard before Virginia could agree or deny his request. She followed behind him a few seconds later.
“He loves you. Charles,” Richard said as soon as she came to his side.
“I know,” Virginia replied on a whisper.
“And yet you shun him? Why?”
Virginia held Ashton tighter to her chest, pulling comfort from his small body. Facing a bullet was easier than facing her truth. She kissed his forehead, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. “Because I’m afraid.”
“Of love?”
“Of losing someone I love. The pain of losing friends has been crippling. Imagine the pain of losing the person who holds your heart. I don’t think I would survive it.”
“I don’t have to imagine,” Richard replied with a sad smile.
Virginia touched her hand to her chest, cursing herself for being so careless with her words. “I didn’t mean...”
“I know.” Richard gave her a reassuring smile. “I have never experienced a pain as bad as losing Rose. Without the children, I’m sure I would have died of a broken heart. But I would not trade one second of my time with Rose; even if it meant never having to feel this pain. The pain is a testament to how much I loved her and felt loved in return. It is because I experienced such intense joy with her that I now feel the crushing sorrow of her loss. Do not hide your heart away because of fear of pain. You will experience sorrow in life no matter what, at least allow yourself the courtesy of having joy to accompany it.”
Richard was right. She could not control what happened in this life. Events both good and bad would happen whether she wanted them to or not. Blocking out the goodness and love because of the fear of the hurt that would come regardless was foolish. No longer would she allow fear to rule in her life.
“You’re right.” Virginia stopped walking and looked up at Richard. “I will tell Charles how I feel and beg for his forgiveness. Thank you, Richard. I truly hope you find happiness again.”
“I will. Each day I look at my children and tell them stories of their wonderful mother, my soul will get to relive a moment of joy. The pain will lessen with each of those moments.”
As Virginia looked into Richard’s eyes, she believed him. Despite having every reason to be filled with bitterness, he wasn’t. All she saw reflected in his gaze was understanding and acceptance.
“Come. Let us return to the cabin. The little ones need to eat.”
Virginia’s heart warmed even more at Richard’s reminder. He truly was a wonderful man. He purchased a slave woman and her infant from a neighboring farm. He offered her the choice of freedom or to grant his request that she accompany him to England and act as wet nurse for the twins. He even offered her a generous salary and a home for her and her child in England. He was a good father and generous man.
CHARLES CAME TO ATTENTION as his ears picked up the sound of the hoof beats of several riders in the distance. He stood from his rocker and walked to the edge of the porch as the small posse came into view. There were three men.
Dust and dirt were caked on their faces and clothing. Worn-out, mean expressions marred each man’s face, telling the story of the long relentless journey they’d taken. Charles leaned against the railing waiting patiently for them to ride up to the front of the cabin.
