No Filter, page 12
“Anyway, that’s beside the point,” Lucky says with a wave of one clawed hand. “When I wrote ‘complicit,’ I didn’t mean you or me. I meant everyone else.” She stretches out her arms. “The whoooole neighborhood knew what was going on here. They all knew Dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict. They knew he couldn’t take care of us. And what did they do about it? Did they call the cops? Child services, maybe? Nah, they just gave us enough food that we wouldn’t starve to death, and that was it.” She looks up into the sky and shouts, “Thanks a lot, Greenbelt! You really stepped up there! ”
“That’s not fair!” says Jinx. “They helped us as much as they could, and they still do!”
Lucky nods agreeably. “Of course they do. To ease their own conscience. That look you always catch them giving you? It’s not concern, or pity, or whatever else you’d like to pretend.” Her jagged smile turns into a sneer and she walks slowly, deliberately toward Jinx. “What you see is guilt. Because they should have done more, and they all know it.”
“It’s not that simple!” protests Jinx as she backs away. “They couldn’t know for sure what was going on because we never told anyone. In fact, we covered it up as much as we could. If anything, it’s our fault for hiding how bad it was.”
“Our fault?” As Lucky gets closer, the air between them begins to shutter and warp. Her head tilts painfully to one side, too far, and her face contorts with fury. “Our fault? Next you’re going to say it’s our fault he killed himself.”
“It is our fault!” Jinx’s voice is shrill, and her eyes are once more stinging with unshed tears, but she can’t help herself. These are things she’s only ever felt deep down in the darkest parts of her heart, and Lucky is just saying them out loud—making her say them, like she’s rubbing her face in it. “The last thing we told him while he was still alive was—”
“That we wished he died instead of Mom—yeah, yeah.” Lucky is suddenly calm. Bored, even. She turns her back to Jinx and lights a match, gazing at it as she talks. “First, you’re kidding yourself if you think he ever cared about what we had to say. Also, we are a child, he was a freaking adult. Lastly, we were absolutely right. He was a loser, and we would have been better off with Mom. Heck, we would have been better if we’d moved in with Aunt Helen when we first got here. At least somebody would have been paying attention.”
There is so much Jinx wants to say. That Lucky’s wrong? That she’s being unfair? She’s about to shout back at her. Tell her she’s a mean bully who only …
Then she notices that Lucky is still holding the match. Even though the fire is now burning her finger and thumb. Lucky stares at it, still grinning her fanged grin. But her black, venous eyes are wide, she’s blinking rapidly, and her jaw is clenched. Lucky might be some supernatural creature, but the fire is still clearly causing her pain.
“Stop hurting yourself!”
Lucky’s lip curls into a snarl as she tosses the match. “What do you care? I’m the part of you that you don’t like, right? The part that you strangle every chance you get.”
Then she lights another match and this time holds her hand directly over it. The flame licks her palm as she gives Jinx a fixed grin, her lip twitching and nostrils flared because she is clearly in pain.
“Please … stop …” begs Jinx.
But Lucky doesn’t. Her smile has turned into a wide grimace of agony, and the stench of burning flesh permeates the air. But still she doesn’t move her hand away from the flame.
“Sorry,” Lucky says through clenched fangs. “I guess suffering is all I got left.”
“No! ” Jinx lunges forward and grabs her wrists, forcing them apart and making her drop the match. “You have me!”
Lucky’s face twists in fury. “You hate me!”
“I don’t hate you!” Jinx grips Lucky’s wrists as she tries desperately to find words that won’t come. “I just … I don’t …”
Lucky watches her struggle for a moment, then gives her a look of disgust. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Then she slams her forehead into Jinx’s.
They both stagger from the explosion of pain. Stars swim through Jinx’s vision, but she still holds on to Lucky’s wrists.
“I’m just scared of you, okay?” she shouts directly into Lucky’s face. “You got all the anger, and I got all the fear! You were big and strong and out of control! I was afraid that we would hurt someone, so I guess I did strangle you. But I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry!”
A welter of emotions pass across Lucky’s face. Resentment, confusion, distrust.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Jinx says firmly. “And you know I can’t lie to you. Because you’re me.”
Finally, a tiny hint of hope glimmers in Lucky’s void-like eyes, like starlight in the night sky. Then she slowly begins to droop, sinking to her knees.
Jinx follows her down, still holding her hands, so that they kneel facing each other.
“I just …” Lucky’s ragged voice shakes with a vulnerability that Jinx hasn’t heard before. “I’m here, too, you know. I don’t actually go away just because you want me to.”
“I get it now.” Jinx gently presses her bruised forehead to Lucky’s. “You’re a part of me. I can’t shut you out. And I don’t want to anymore. You’re the strong one, after all. So I guess I … I need you if we’re actually going to get through this. And maybe I actually want to now. For both of us.”
Their foreheads are still touching, so all Jinx can see of Lucky’s face are her dark, star-filled eyes. But she can hear the smile returning to Lucky’s voice.
“Yeah, you do need me. And we will get through this. I promise.”
Now Jinx is smiling. “How about no more burning stuff, though, okay?”
“Ugh, fine. You know, I didn’t used to be this bad. But because you locked me up all the time, I got worse. So from now on, sometimes you gotta let me do my thing.”
“I will,” Jinx promises.
“And I guess … sorry about … all the stuff.”
“Me too.”
Jinx closes her eyes, and the tears that had been building up the whole night finally fall down her cheeks. And they feel good. Warm and soothing. For the first time in a very long time, Jinx feels whole. It radiates outward, thoughtful and caring but also strong and ferocious. How could she ever have wanted to shut away this amazing part of herself? It was like she’d been trying to cope with her grief and loss while she had one hand tied behind her back. No wonder she was so miserable.
Sometimes, when you face your fear, when you open that door, you discover that something is there after all. It can be cruelty, or ignorance, or indifference.
Or sometimes, it’s you.
“Jinx! Oh, man, Jinx!”
Jinx realizes that she’s alone now, kneeling in the middle of the court with her forehead pressed to the blacktop. Blaine’s voice sounds at once worried and relieved. She hears his sneakers slap loudly on the blacktop as he comes closer. Then she feels his hand on her shoulder.
“Jinxie, you okay?”
She looks up at him. Her forehead is bruised. Her face is smeared with grime except for the twin tear tracks that run down her cheeks. And she smiles.
“You know what? I think I might actually be getting there.”
Blaine looks like he wants to believe her but isn’t sure he should. “You’re not going to split again? Even if I text your aunt that I found you?”
She shakes her head.
He lets out a relieved sigh and plops down next to her on the blacktop. He takes out his phone and sends the text. After that’s done, he gives her a tired smile. “You really ran us ragged there for a while.”
“I didn’t mean to,” she says.
“I know.” He reaches over and ruffles his hair.
Jinx still hates when he does that, and she can feel Lucky rumbling around inside, wanting to poke back at him somehow. Well, she did promise to let her do her thing sometimes …
So she says, “Your girlfriend has a terrible haircut.”
Blaine stares at her in surprise. Probably because she hasn’t said anything that salty in about a year. Not since before her dad died. Then he laughs. “Yeah, she kinda does. I think she’s convinced it looks edgy or something?”
“It just looks dumb,” says Jinx.
“Well,” says Blaine, “she also has some positive qualities.”
“Like what?”
“Like she thinks you’re super cool.”
“Hmph.” But Jinx can’t quite stop herself from smiling a little. “I guess I’ll give her a chance, then.”
“Thank you,” he says sincerely. Then he reaches over like he’s going to ruffle her hair again.
But she ducks her head away and glares at him. “The next time you do that, I’m going to bite your hand.”
He winces. “I guess you’re getting a little old for it, huh?”
“Uh, yeah.”
He smiles sheepishly. “Sorry.”
“Forgiven.”
They sit there on the blacktop in silence for a little while. Jinx is surprised to see that the night sky has shifted into a warm pink predawn light. None of them have slept the whole night. As if that realization opens a floodgate, she feels a new wave of tiredness. After a moment of hesitation, she lets her head lean into Blaine’s shoulder, and he doesn’t push her away.
Finally, Aunt Helen appears, face red, huffing and puffing. She runs toward them.
“Oh boy …” Jinx stands and brushes off her bottom. “Time to face the music.”
“Good luck,” murmurs Blaine.
She gives a wan smile, then turns to her aunt.
“Hey, Auntie.” She braces for the shouting.
But instead, her aunt continues to charge forward until she scoops her into a giant bear hug.
“Oh, kiddo, thank goodness you’re okay.” Aunt Helen squeezes her fiercely. Neither of them are huggers, so they stand there in awkward embrace for entirely too long. But Jinx for once finds she doesn’t mind at all.
At last her aunt releases her. Her eyes squint as she takes in the bruise on Jinx’s forehead.
“We’ll get some ice for that,” she mutters.
“Thanks,” says Jinx.
They stand there and look at each other.
Then Jinx says, “I got a lot of stuff to make up for.”
“Yeah,” agrees Aunt Helen. “You do.”
* * *
After some much-needed sleep, Jinx gets to work. She helps clean up the egg mess at Joey’s, and the toilet paper at Swapna’s house. She doesn’t have the money to replace the window at Beijing Pearl, the sign in front of the movie theater, or the grass on the lawn in front of the library, but Monica and her friends offer to do a special fundraiser cosplay photo shoot. And apparently, people are willing to pay money for exclusive Battle Maidens cosplay pictures. A lot of money, in fact. Enough to pay for everything and the materials that Bill needed to make the costumes.
All that is pretty easy. The hard part is apologizing. Jinx knows that trying to convince people it was all Lucky’s fault would be impossible. And more important, would it even be right to blame Lucky? After all, Jinx decided to accept that part of herself. She promised that she would. Not just the good bits, but all of it. Starting with this.
So she wants to apologize. But …
“I don’t know what I should say,” she tells her aunt as they walk the inner pathways to Roosevelt Center, where Jinx will begin her apology tour.
Aunt Helen thinks about it for a second. “Well, first of all, are you actually sorry?”
“Of course.”
“You feel bad?”
“Yeah.”
“Why do you feel bad?”
That brings Jinx up short. It just seems so obvious. “Well, I mean, these people have always been so nice to me.”
“Maybe you start there, then. Not with guilt but with telling each of them how much they mean to you. How much you appreciate them. I think the rest will come from there.”
That does sound a little less daunting. “Okay, I’ll try that. Thanks, Auntie.”
“That’s what I’m here for, kiddo.”
“And I guess I should start with you.”
“With me?” Her aunt looks surprised.
“Because you are always here for me. Like, always.”
Her aunt smiles and blinks rapidly. “Thanks. That … means a lot to me. I’ll be honest, all of this … losing your dad, suddenly becoming a full-time single parent … it hasn’t been easy.”
“Oh, I knew that,” admits Jinx.
Aunt Helen looks surprised. “You knew?”
“Yeah, you tried your best, but you’re not actually that great at hiding it.”
Her aunt looks crestfallen, and Jinx winces.
“Sorry, Auntie. You know, Blaine told me that sometimes I’m like a black hole. Things go in, nothing comes out. But from now on, I’m going to try my hardest to be here for you, too.”
“Thanks, kiddo,” says her aunt. “And I promise, things will get easier. We’re a team, and if we work together, we can handle anything life throws at us.”
That makes Jinx feel even more reassured. When they reach Roosevelt Center, Jinx apologizes to them each in turn: Ms. Lombardi, Mr. Lo, Ms. Linkenholker, and Mr. Humphries. She tells them how grateful she is to have them in her life. How much she appreciates everything they’ve given to her. Not just the food, but the help and the encouragement. As she’s talking, she can feel Lucky rumbling around inside: If these people are so great, why didn’t they call child protective services? Why didn’t they do something to help us when we really needed it?
Maybe they should have, or maybe not. But Jinx decides that if she wants to be forgiven, she needs to do some forgiving as well. So she lets that resentment go.
They all tell her how much they appreciate her words, and that they understand she’s had a really tough year, and of course they forgive her. Adults are easy that way. Maybe because they’ve had more time to make their own mistakes and understand how hard it is sometimes to know what the right thing to do is. But the last stop on her apology tour probably won’t be so easy. In fact, it takes several days before Swapna even agrees to see her.
Her aunt has to work that night, so Blaine walks down with her to the Kapoor house. Since she’s already on a roll, she decides to hit him with an apology on the way.
“Sorry I got jealous of Ella. Now that I’ve had a chance to hang out with her, she’s actually pretty cool, I guess.”
“Well, I handled it in the worst way possible,” admits Blaine. “I shouldn’t have kept something like that from you.”
“True.”
They walk a little farther, and then she says something that she hasn’t even thought about before, but as soon as she says it, she knows it’s true.
“You saw the same thing as me, and I never asked you if you were okay.”
He doesn’t respond right away, but she knows that he knows she’s talking about seeing her dad’s body. So she waits.
Finally, he says, “Yeah.”
“I’m sorry I never realized that before.”
His face tenses up, then he nods. “Thanks.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she tells him.
After a moment, he surprises her by saying, “Same.”
She doesn’t really know why he’d say that, but asking him would feel like she was fishing for compliments, which would be gross. So she decides to leave it at that for now. Maybe she should simply trust that it’s true, even if she doesn’t understand it?
Once they reach the Kapoor house, Jinx’s stomach begins to squirm with nerves. Not only did Lucky mess up their house, but she made it personal with that IS SHE WEIRD? message. And if Swapna really had seen her being all creepy out on the lawn, that would have been extremely scary.
Besides, kids aren’t nearly as forgiving as adults.
Ms. Kapoor answers the door. Jinx thanks her for always being so supportive and also for the delicious food. Swapna’s mom seems a little thrown off by this approach, but understanding dawns when Jinx then moves into the apology.
After she’s finished, Ms. Kapoor says, “Thank you, Janessa. I know that you haven’t had an easy life, and I appreciate that you refuse to let yourself be defined by that. As long as you don’t give up on yourself, I won’t give up on you.”
She calls Swapna down and they wait in awkward silence as they listen to her footfalls on the stairs.
When Swapna appears, she looks really nervous.
“Hey,” says Jinx.
“Hey,” says Swapna.
“I’m really sorry for everything I did, especially for scaring you like that. You’ve always been nice to me, even though you’re super popular and I’m a big weirdo. But then—”
“I shouldn’t have called you a weirdo,” Swapna interrupts.
Jinx isn’t here to get into an argument, but that is just a silly thing to say. “It’s fine. Everybody at school thinks I’m weird. That’s why they avoid me.”
“No, they’re all just intimidated because you’re so cool and mature.”
“Mature?” Jinx has no idea what she’s even talking about.
“I was intimidated, too. But after everything that’s happened, my mom and I talked about some of the stuff you’ve had to deal with. I didn’t really understand that you never got to be a kid like me. When I started thinking about it like that, I realized that I wasn’t very nice to you, even though you always tried to be nice to me.”
“I was nice?” Jinx has lost the whole thread of this conversation.
“You did all that work on my headshots and didn’t even ask for money.”
“And also?” prompts Ms. Kapoor.
Swapna’s cheeks redden. “I used the headshots for my latest commercial audition and, uh, I got the job.”
“You what?”
“Yeah, I’m officially a clothing model now, and I’m pretty sure some of that was thanks to you. Not just because of the headshot, too. You also took the time to coach me on how to be more relaxed in front of the camera.”
Jinx grins sheepishly. “You picked up on that, huh?”
“Not until I went to this other shoot,” admits Swapna. “I was like ‘Why am I way more tense than I was for my headshots? Wait, is this what I’m normally like?’ So then I tried to remember all the stuff you did to distract me and how that felt, and it was way easier to relax.”
