In Too Deep, page 15
There’s such a gut wrenching pain in my chest that kills me and there’s a part of me that wants him to feel the same. I thought we were in love, I assumed what we shared was real, but clearly I’ve been fooled. Maybe Alex says things like that to all the girls so he can hook up with whoever he wants, whenever he wants. Maybe it’s a line and I’m the dumbass who really fell for it. Every memory I shared with Alex is now tainted with his betrayal. He’s ruined all the happiness we had.
He must not have loved me, that’s the only thing I can think, or he wouldn’t have been able to move on so quickly. If he felt the same way about me then he’d be gutted right about now.
Well, I too can play at that game, if he wants me to see that he’s moved on then I can do the same.
I slam the mouse of the computer down so hard on the desk I can hear a shattering inside of it. I might have broken it, but that’s hardly the most important thing right now. I need to shut it down and never look it again. It’s become nothing more than a box of pain. With a disgusted look on my face, I hit the ‘shut down’ button while the mouse still barely works and I wait for it to turn to black.
“Benji is fussy,” Mom tells me as she joins me in the room. “I think he misses you.”
I love Benji, I really do, but this is a moment I could really use to myself. Unfortunately I know Mom is right. If he’s decided that he wants me then there’s nothing I can do about it. I stand up, separating myself from the PC and I smile thinly at Mom. I extend my arms and take Benji, trying to find some comfort in his warmth. Normally this lovely baby can always cheer me up, but today I can’t feel it. I don’t think anything will lift me from my sour mood today. I’m in too deep.
“Is everything okay with you, Sephy?” Mom asks me quietly. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“Hmph.” That’s too close to the truth for my liking. Seeing Alex wrapped around another girl – one who’s the complete opposite to me in every single way – is a bit like that. I thought I knew him, I assumed that we shared a real love, and it’s killing me to learn that isn’t the case. “I’m fine.”
Mom’s expression softens. “You know you can talk to me if you want to. I’m still your mother.”
I turn my back to her, not wanting to look her in the eye when I lie. I fix my eyes on a tiny smudge on the wall, just to give me some focus. “There’s nothing to tell, Mom. I’m fine. I’m just very tired.”
“If you aren’t happy with all this wedding stuff…” she continues, pushing me further.
“It’s too late for me not to be happy, Mom.” I roll my eyes in temper. “It’s happening now. I don’t want to overanalyse it over and over again, I just want to get this done now, okay?”
The image of Alex with her floods my mind again and makes me feel ill. The burning anger is raw, the shattering of my heart feels painful, I need to do something to make myself feel okay again.
“And you know what?” I carry on, spinning around to face Mom with my flaming eyes. “I think me and Marcus will be able to make this work. I think we’ll be able to have a real marriage eventually. I know it doesn’t make much sense right now, but in the future I really think we can be together.”
I don’t know what I’m saying, I’m barely even thinking straight. The words are simply flowing violently out of my mouth, practically knocking Mom off her feet as if I’m firing bullets at her. I just want to cause everyone to feel something so they can understand a little bit of what I’m going through. I know I’m not the first person to ever get hurt, but right now I feel acutely alone in my pain. My situation is at least somewhat unique which I don’t think helps the feeling.
“I don’t know if that’s what anyone expects of you,” Mom replies slowly, as if she’s walking on egg shells. “We’re all going into this blind, no one knows how it’s going to turn out. I wouldn’t start putting too much pressure on yourself or Marcus. Maybe that will happen, trust me I think we all want it to because then we won’t have done all of this for nothing, but no one wants to pressure you.”
There’s an intense tightness in my chest which intensifies as the walls close in on me… at least, they do in my head. I can almost feel them squeezing me, crushing my lungs, destroying me. I need to get out and I need to do it now before I snap and end up saying something I regret.
“Me and Benji are going out for a walk,” I snap. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Where are you going?” Mom demands. “You aren’t doing something crazy, are you?”
“Like what?” I throw my hands in the air in frustration. “What can I do that’s crazy?”
“I don’t know, like, are you going to speak to Marcus about making this a ‘real’ marriage, because the boy is still grieving. I don’t think he wants to discuss anything so heavy right now.”
My teeth grind together, again I’m being forgotten in the grieving process. I have to be strong because everyone else is weak. I want to be weak, just for a little while but no. I have a job to do.
“Whatever, Mom. I’m not going to speak to him. I wouldn’t want to upset Marcus anymore since he’s the only one in pain. I’ll just tiptoe around him for the rest of our god damn lives.”
“Sephy!” She claps her hand to her chest in shock at my outburst. In my opinion it’s been a long time coming. I’m supposed I’ve kept it together for so long. There’s definitely been something painful bubbling in my chest for a long while. “I know that you’re struggling, we all are…”
“Which is exactly why I need to get out of here. I can’t talk about it for another second longer.”
I don’t wait for Mom to answer me, I storm from the room and grab Benji’s pushchair to put him in it. I need to clear my head, I need to calm down so I can stop taking my temper out on Mom, I suppose it isn’t really fair even if she’s making me mad, and getting out of here is the only way I can do that. This argument will only progress and get worse, and I just don’t need that. I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with it. I have too much else going on… mostly Alex and that horrible image. Somehow or another, I need to get that out my head before it drives me utterly insane.
* * *
Tomorrow, I think to myself sadly as I lie in my bed. I’m getting married tomorrow.
I didn’t ever expect that I would spend the night before my wedding trying not to cry. But then, I guess I always assumed that I would marry for love like a normal person. Tomorrow is the day that I will marry the wrong brother and the rest of my life will become hopeless. The saddest part about it all is that I don’t even have anyone I can talk to about it. Liza, my closest confidant is gone, and my other friend is challenging to talk to because I accidently left her in the lurch when I became a stand in mother. Also, she never agreed with me and Alex anyway which caused a rift.
I sigh deeply and turn onto one side, looking at the little basket in which Benji is currently sleeping in. Tonight will be the last night in my mother’s home too, we have plans to get moved as soon as the ceremony is over, so nothing will be the same again. Everything will be shaken up.
“Liza,” I mutter to her, hoping she can hear me somewhere. I don’t know if there’s an afterlife or not, but I really hope there is. “Give me a sign, tell me what to do. If this is the wrong thing then…”
My phone bleeps, causing me to practically leap out of bed. Is this the sign? Has Liza somehow interfered from the grave and now I’m about to get some communication that gets me out of it? It’s crazy to assume it might be, but it’s come at a really convenient time if not. Maybe it’s Alex…
All hopes fade away when I see it isn’t him, just some awful spam message. My knight in shining armour isn’t coming because he’s somewhere else, with someone else, forgetting all about me. The tears stream from my eyes, I cry instead of screaming which is what I really want to do. Never before have I felt so locked in one tiny place with no opportunity whatsoever to get away.
“Okay, Liza,” I continue on talking to myself morosely. “I see now that there is no sign from the universe, no clue that this isn’t what I should be doing, so whatever. I’ll just get on with it.
Now that my cell phone is in my hand I can’t stop myself from torturing myself further. I click onto the internet and head straight back for that picture… but it’s gone. At some point during the day Alex must have made the surprising decision to delete it. That confuses me, what was it all for? I have to assume he wanted me to know about him moving on, or I don’t think he would’ve done something so public, but now it’s vanished. Did he all of a sudden grow a conscience when he realised how seeing it would make me feel? Or maybe there’s some other reason entirely.
I don’t think I should keep torturing myself forever over it, I’m never going to find a solution. I don’t know Alex as well as I thought I did, that much is obvious. He’s a mystery to me, and also not my problem any longer. He now belongs to someone else, and so do I. I need to forget him, concentrate on my upcoming nuptials, and focus on whatever will come next… and that’s going to start with a good night of sleep. I cannot be shattered when I say ‘I do’. Whatever the situation, that isn’t a good look for anyone.
I squeeze my eyes, begging for sleep to come for me, but it isn’t going to be easy. I’m restless, my whole body can’t relax, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. My legs twitch, my brain races, my heart hammers violently against my rib cage, pounding on my mattress.
One things for sure… tonight is going to be a very long night.
26
Alex
Ring, ring… ring, ring… ring, ring…
Urgh, that noise is killing me, it’s bashing against my brain and making me feel ill. I want to punch whoever or whatever is making it, but I can’t locate the source. Not with my eyes shut.
Finally, it stops, making me have out a sigh of relief, but then less than a moment it starts up all over again. I growl and throw my legs over the side of the bed, prying my eyes open. I guess all I can do now is find my phone and shut that noise off before I go utterly insane.
“Hello?” I groan into the receiver, not even pausing to look who it might be. I rub my aching head, willing the pain to vanish and leave me the hell alone. “It’s Alex, who’s there?”
“Alex, I know who it is. This is your father.” Damn it, this is my punishment for not looking what I’m doing. If I’d seen my dad’s name on the screen I never would’ve picked up. Vegas is supposed to be my escape from my family, I don’t want to invite them in to my mini utopia. “Where are you?”
“I’m…” I don’t want to tell him, I can’t let him know. What if he comes for me? “I’m away.”
“I know that, you idiot.” Clearly he has no kindness for me, which I suppose I understand. He doesn’t know anything about what I’m going through… not that it would make much difference if he did. He isn’t exactly known for his warmth and love. “Can you come home today? We need you here.”
“Why?” My tone is accidently whining. I don’t like the sound of it, but I can’t stop. “Why now?”
“Do not be so selfish, Alex. You should already know why. Your brother is getting married tomorrow and he wants you by his side. You’re his best man, he won’t ask you himself, but he needs you. He really can’t do this without you.” He sighs loudly, sounding exasperated with me. “I don’t know what game you think you’re playing by gallivanting off at such a challenging time, but you need to grow up. You should be here, helping Marcus get through the worst time of his life.”
I gulp audibly as Dad says this. I know he’s right, I should be there for Marcus rather than selfishly trying to get through my own problems, but this isn’t easy for me either. If only people knew that me and Sephy are – were – in love, then maybe I could get some sympathy too. Again I’m struck with intense regret that we decided to keep it a secret. What seemed like a good idea, clearly wasn’t.
“I don’t think Marcus needs me there,” I rasp back guiltily. “I’m sure he can do this with you guys. It isn’t even a proper wedding anyway, is it? Just a small affair with you guys, more of a formality than anything else.” I cannot believe how easily we’re all rolling over and playing dead for my dad. How the hell does he do it? “He isn’t going to need me for the best man duties. Not this time.”
“I thought I just told you to grow up,” comes Dad’s cold reply. “No, he doesn’t need you for the duties, he needs you because you’re his brother and his emotional support. Can you seriously not see that? Have you become so blinded by your own life that you can’t recall anything else? Now where are you? I need to know where you are so I can put an end to this madness. Your Mom said you’re in Las Vegas, is that right?” I make an agreeable noise back, unable to really speak. “Okay, good.”
I can’t stand back and watch him marry the love of my life, I think desperately as I press the receiver hard into my head. I’m not strong enough. It’ll absolutely kill me. We’ll all lose out.
But how can I express that now? It’s too late for me to start telling the truth, especially when choices have been made, weddings are happening, and I’m never going to get her back.
“Alex, I’ve just purchased you a plane ticket for this afternoon. Two PM. You will get on it and be back here for Marcus. Maybe, for whatever reason, it doesn’t seem like it now but you will thank me for this. If you rent here for your brother, then you will regret it forever. Trust me on this one.”
I pull my phone away from my ear just in time to see the email flying through. There it is, the pull for me to go back to the place I never want to see again. I can’t do it, but at the same time I know I have to. Dad’s right, Marcus does need me, no excuse is enough. He would be there for me, whatever the situation, so I should offer him the same courtesy. He’s relying on me, and I do love him.
“Fine,” I reply resignedly as it seems I have no real way out. “I’ll be on that plane and I’ll be there for Marcus too… but I can’t come back to the firm. I need to be able to leave again afterwards.”
“Oh, Alex, you are ridiculous. I’m not discussing that with you right now. First, just get home.”
Just get home… he says this as if it’s no big deal, as if that isn’t the hardest part. That man really doesn’t get me at all, and I know that he’ll never make any effort to either, this is us and it will be for the rest of our lives. Two virtual strangers, connected only be blood and matching DNA.
“Sure, Dad, I’ll be on that plane.” Mentally I try to picture how that will work out, but somehow I can’t seem to envision me back there… with them. “I guess I’ll see you soon.”
As I hang up the phone, a heaviness overcomes my heart. I didn’t much like Vegas when I first arrived a few days ago, but now I’m going to miss it. I’m especially going to miss Hattie who has become a good friend to me. When she isn’t working, we’ve been hanging out as friends, and that’s been exactly what I need. Someone to talk to who hasn’t known me forever. She’s been a god send, and now I have to go. With a heavy heart, and the idea of reality setting in, I log online and delete the picture of me and her. I probably should’ve done that right away, I posted it in a moment of drunken pettiness, but I didn’t and I don’t know why. I guess I just didn’t think much about it afterwards.
Now, I might have to face the consequences of that decision, and I don’t like that idea at all.
Once that’s done, I grab my back and I stuff all my dirty clothes back into it. I’ve been getting dangerously close to needing to do some laundry anyway so I suppose in a way this is good timing. I get myself packed up, organized and ready to go, before I head downstairs to say goodbye to my friend. I’m pretty sure she’s working this morning so at least I can bid her farewell.
We can’t stay in touch, I can’t give her my number, because she doesn’t even know my name. On my first night here I said I was called Brian, and for some reason I’ve stuck with it ever since.
I hop into the elevator, taking note of the fact that it’s my last time, and I make my way to the bottom floor. I’ve enjoyed my time here, it’s been going being someone else, but it hasn’t been for long enough for me to forget about Sephy entirely. I’m certainly not strong enough to see her wed someone else. I wish Hattie could come with me, just to stop me from breaking.
“Hey you.” Hattie’s whole face lights up when the elevator doors open and she sees me. “I was just thinking about you. How are you feeling today? You hit the sauce pretty hard last night.”
“Urgh, don’t I know it?” The sensation of a hangover is becoming all too familiar for me. It’s worrying really, maybe something I should address. “I feel like shit, which is worse because I have to go home. My er,” I glance from side to side, checking that no one is listening in. I don’t know why it matters, it isn’t like anyone knows me. “Brother is getting married tomorrow and I have to be there.”
“While he marries your girl?” Hattie’s face screws up in disgust. “That’s sick. I feel very sorry for you. You’re a much bigger man than me, I don’t think I could do it. I mean, it’s just terrible.”
I force my lips into an inane grin. “I know, it is going to suck, but I have to be there for him. He needs me. It isn’t like he stole her from me anyway. It’s just the situation.”
Hattie pouts out her bottom lip and she gives me a sad look. “I can’t believe you’re going. That’s going to suck, I’ve got really used to you being here. How am I going to cope without you?”
“You’re a tough cookie,” I laugh awkwardly. “You’ll be just fine. I’ll be the one who would struggle.”
I mean that, I really do. I really wish I hadn’t lied so we could still be friends. I’m going to miss the way she listens to me in a way that no one else does. I need someone like her in my life.
“Are you going to come back? Please tell me you’ll visit again.”
I nod, despite the fact that I might not be able to do that. I’d rather assume that we can see one another again. It makes for an easier goodbye anyway. I’ve said goodbye forever to many people, that was a big part of my travels, but now I can’t seem to stop myself getting attached to people. It’s a curse really, I don’t think I like it. If I’m going to continue travelling, I need to let go of this.
