Spotlight (Famous Book 2), page 23
I perk up. “Really?”
“I got out of that ugly contract mess with Joystar, and I really don’t want to go through that again. So I figure …”
“You figure you’d bankrupt yourself? Smart.”
“I’m serious. I want Eleven to get back together and do new music on my label. We can do our own sound, and you can produce. We’ll find some new talent and build a fucking empire from the ground up.”
“Sounds like a lot of work.”
“But how much fun will it be?”
I can’t deny that.
He turns big puppy dog eyes on me. “Please, Ry? Please? I’ll be your best friend forever.”
“Are we twelve?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know why you’re coming to me first. You really think you can get the other guys to come back? Blake doesn’t even sing anymore. Mason could be dead for all we know.”
“I came to you first because even though the others will be a hard sell, you’re the one I want to do this with most. We were like brothers on the road, and I fucking miss you, okay?”
“Why are you so obsessed with me?” I throw his words from earlier back at him.
“You’re going to say yes. I can feel it.”
I groan. “I want to. You know I want to. But … I can’t.”
There’s a knock on the door, and then Lyric pushes his way through. “Hey, sorry to interrupt, but Ryder, can I talk to you for a second?”
How long has he been standing outside that door?
“It’s about Kaylee,” he adds, and I’m out of my seat as fast as humanly possible.
But when he pulls me through the house, past where Kaylee is still playing with Brix and being watched by Maggie, I realize he’s lying.
“You were eavesdropping.”
He leads me to our—er, my—bedroom. “Guilty.” He spins to face me. “You have to do it.”
“I have to do it? Says who?”
“Me.”
“Last I checked, you weren’t the boss of me.”
His hands find my shoulders. “You deserve this. You want this. You can’t keep Kaylee locked in a tower her whole life.”
“She can’t come on tour with us. Which would mean leaving her for months. I’m not okay with that.”
“From the sound of it, Harley wants you two to make your own rules. Set up tours for the summer when she’s out of school, and pay me to go with you as her nanny. Or hell, pay Maggie to be her nanny … Wait, is it technically being a nanny if it’s her mom?” He shakes his head. “Either way, this is doable. You just have to let go of that protective streak and take the leap.”
“I never thought I’d see the day where you, of all people, want Eleven to get back together.”
“I don’t. Well, I mean, your own sound could be cool. You’re better than all that your love fits like a glove crap.”
“Those lyrics are not in any of Eleven’s songs.”
“You know what I mean. You’re so much better than that, and this is an opportunity to show off your amazing song writing skills and produce. I already know you can perform the shit out of anything.”
“It’s too selfish of me. I owe the next few years to Kaylee.”
Lyric grunts. “You’re so frustrating sometimes. You call me stubborn, but fuck, being happy doesn’t make you selfish, Ryder. I would kill for what you have offered to you, and you’re turning it down for a reason that doesn’t make sense anymore. I’m here. Maggie’s here. Kaylee won’t be alone.”
He’s making so much sense it hurts. It hurts that I’m holding myself back, and it hurts that this could affect Kaylee, but what hurts the most is knowing if I don’t take this opportunity, I will regret it.
“If you really don’t want to go back to Eleven, fine. But at least be a part of Harley’s new label. You could do so many good things with it. You brought me out of my head and made me put the music first. This is your chance to do it.”
“What about you?”
“This isn’t about me.”
“Why haven’t you been going to auditions?”
Lyric leans against the chest of drawers by my bed. “I figure Kaylee starts school in a few months. I can hold off until then.”
“I don’t want to hold you back.” But I also don’t want him to go out there and get a record deal either. If I were to take Harley up on his offer, and then Lyric got signed, we would literally never see each other.
“You’re not. It’s my choice to take a few months off so I can be with you and Kaylee.”
But he shouldn’t have to do that!
He shouldn’t have to put us first.
The idea of it makes my stomach queasy yet warm at the same time. It makes me anxious yet content. Emotions I don’t understand bubble to the surface until I’m overrun by the urge to throw myself at him while simultaneously yelling at him for sacrificing anything for me.
“Why are you doing that?”
“If I really have to tell you, you’re not only a pretty boy bander with cliché and lazy lyrics, you’re also a dumbass.”
“How … romantic?”
“I’m doing it because I want to be with you! Properly. I mean, you said I was your boyfriend, and you didn’t hide it from Harley that we’re together, or at least sleeping together. I know you hate labels, but I want one, okay? I want one with you. I want you and Kaylee to be my family, and I want to do these things together. I want to make decisions together. I want to be included. I don’t think I’ve pushed, and maybe this is too much, but fuck, Ryd—”
I wrap my arms around him and cup the back of his head, sliding my fingers into his man bun as I pull him to me.
Our mouths crash together in an ungraceful mash of teeth and tongues and lips.
He tries to laugh, but I don’t let him.
I need to show him how much I need him and how much I want to claim him.
But I’m also scared to give him all of me, because if he leaves, he’ll take a huge chunk of me with him. I don’t want to hold him back, but he wants us to work it out together.
As a couple.
I kiss him until my lips hurt and his face is splotchy from my unshaven face.
When I pull away, we’re both breathing heavy, and we’re both hard. As much as I would love to take advantage of that right now, I need to go back downstairs and give Harley my answer.
“There’s one label I’m okay with having.”
“Yeah?” he breathes.
“Yours. I’m more than okay with being yours.”
The smile that lights up Lyric’s face should be on the cover of his first album.
He leans in, and my stomach flips in anticipation of his lips on mine again. Only, our mouths don’t meet.
Instead, he smacks my ass. “Good. Then let’s get downstairs and tell Harley you’re in.”
I hold his hand all the way back to the studio where Harley is waiting. I want Lyric with me because we’re in this together.
“According to my boyfriend”—I glance at Lyric and smile—“I’m not allowed to turn this opportunity down.”
Harley either doesn’t register my words or he’s having a stroke.
“Harley?”
He turns slowly toward us. “Who’s singing on this track?” He hits Play on my computer, and I’d be pissed if it wasn’t for the fact Lyric’s voice flows from the speakers along with Kaylee’s. “I assume that’s Kaylee, but unless your voice has gotten some serious rasp to it in the last two years, that’s not you.”
Lyric’s cheeks fill with color as I smile.
“Funny you should ask.”
“Ryder, don’t,” Lyric warns.
I ignore him. If he’s making me do this, he has to do it with me. “You should hear Lyric’s demo. You’ll want him to be our first new act on the label.”
Harley’s face lights up, but Lyric looks like he wants to murder me.
CHAPTER 24
LYRIC
My mouth dries.
“This is you?” Harley points to the computer.
“It is. But, uh … I—”
“Lyric is so talented he makes me jealous,” Ryder says.
I try to hold my anger in because, logically, I know he’s trying to do a nice thing. But that nice thing is making me feel two feet tall.
“Did you really do that?” I mutter to Ryder.
He squares his shoulders. “Yes, I did. Because if you think you’re going to put your career on hold so I can chase a dream I voluntarily gave up two years ago, you’re sorely mistaken. I know you don’t want my help getting a record deal, but if Harley doesn’t think you have it in you, he won’t sign you. That won’t be an issue, though.” He gestures to Harley. “He’s already half in love with you because of one song.”
“That’s not the point!” I finally blow. “Are you forgetting my rules?” I hold up a finger. “I want to do this on my own.” I put up a second. “I want to do it as myself.” A third finger goes up. “And I want to do my music, my way. You really think signing on a boy band label will allow me to do the songs I want?”
“Ooh, harsh,” Harley mumbles.
I turn to him. “Sorry. This is nothing against you. Or your label. Or the idea of getting Eleven back together. I just …”
“I get it,” Harley says.
I lift my head. “What?”
“Want to know why I’m eager to start my own label?”
“Money?”
Harley laughs. “Hardly. What I’m doing is a risk. I want to make albums of real sounds. Of real songs. Songs from the heart. It’s why I left Joystar to begin with. They were trying to censor me. My songs were getting too political and weren’t peppy enough. They weren’t about love and happy, mushy bullshit. And don’t get me wrong, I will expect to have one or two chart-toppers on every album, but my plan is to work with my artists to find the best sound they have.”
“That … actually sounds amazing. But, I’m sorry. I can’t. I won’t accept an offer from you.”
“Because of me?” Ryder asks.
“I don’t want a record deal on a favor.”
Harley stands. “Look, I’ve only heard one song, but I’m impressed. If you want to send me a demo, I’ll happily listen to it and remain unbiased. I’m interested in signing you, but like Ryder says, I won’t do it if I don’t think you can make it big. I love him but not that much.”
I don’t believe him. This deal will always be tainted by Ryder’s connection. “I’ll think about it.”
“Well, uh, it looks like you two have some stuff to discuss. I’m gonna get out of this awkwardness as fast as possible.” Harley slaps Ryder on the back. “Have fun getting yelled at, and I can’t wait until we can work together again.”
Ryder smiles. “Who you working on next?”
Harley taps his chin. “I figure Denver. He should be the easiest sell out of all of you.”
“Shouldn’t you start with the hardest?” Ryder asks.
“Do you even know where Mason is?”
“Nope.”
“Neither do I.”
I watch their exchange, willing it to hurry up and be over because I need to yell. Or throw things.
Upstairs, we were literally making big declarations, and now, suddenly, he’s going back on the only promise he’s ever made me.
As soon as Harley’s gone, Ryder turns to me.
I hold up my hand. “Don’t. This isn’t going to be a thing. I’m not sending him my demo. End of story.”
“Why are you so fucking keen on sabotaging your career?”
“I’m not!”
“I call bullshit.”
“Oh, you’re calling bullshit? The fact you brought me into this at all, that’s bullshit.”
“I didn’t bring you into this! Harley heard your song and is interested. That makes your career fair game. I’m so sorry I want you to achieve your dream even at the expense of my own heart.” He mock gasps. “The nerve.”
I pull back. “What do you mean?”
“I would love for you to forget about music and stay with me and Kaylee. I’d love to hold you back so you can be part of us, follow me while I explore this new venture with Harley, and live my life. But that would be selfish. The side of me that wants you to be happy won’t allow me to sit back and let you skip auditions and put off your career for us.”
“I’m not doing that. I’m taking a break from feeling like I’m not good enough. And I get to spend my time with two people I’m falling in love with even though I know I probably shouldn’t.”
Ryder’s eyes widen.
“And that look right there”—I point at him—“is why I shouldn’t be getting attached. I say that I’m falling for you, and you freak out.”
“I’m not.” He so is.
“You’re lying.”
“Okay, fine, I am, but not because I don’t want that. I don’t know how to handle it because I’ve never done this before. Not, like, a real relationship. I simultaneously want you to succeed while not wanting you to leave me. I want to lift you up and hold you back at the same time, and I don’t understand it. I don’t know how to process it in my head.”
“So you push me away by doing the one thing I asked you not to?” How can he not see that?
“I didn’t mean to push you away. I was trying to support you.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to use your connections to get ahead. You know that.”
“All I did was ask Harley to hear your demo.”
“Yeah, and in return he gets you to sign on his new label.”
“That wasn’t a condition attached.”
I fold my arms. “Fucking sounded like it.”
“He was listening to your song when we came back in!”
The more he argues, the more frustrated I become.
I let out a loud breath. “Let’s move on. Even if Harley wasn’t doing it as a favor to you, I will always wonder. I don’t need those thoughts stifling my voice.”
“Lyric—”
I grunt. “I don’t want to sign with Harley, okay? He’s Harley Valentine, and the complete opposite of the image and sound I want.”
“Usher signed Justin Bieber and they’re nothing alike. Harley wants different sounds and voices.”
“I can’t do this right now.” I need to get out of here.
Ryder and I have disagreed before. A lot. About many different things.
But my music is sacred, and I thought he understood that. He worked with me to create a demo I’m actually proud of, and he respected my hang-ups and demands. He might’ve found them exasperating, but he never pushed.
This, though … this is too much.
“I need to take Chase home.”
Ryder stands between me and the doorway. “Don’t leave like this. Not in the middle of an argument.”
“It’s not an argument. It’s a difference of opinion.”
“A difference that is obviously getting to you. I want to make this right. Tell me how I can make this right.”
“Let me make my own career decisions.”
His lips purse. He really doesn’t want to do it. His bright blue eyes are locked on mine, his jaw set. “Fine.”
“Wait, what?” I didn’t expect him to give in that fast.
He steps closer. “You’re right. You should be able to make your own decisions when it comes to your career.”
“Umm, thank you.”
“I’m not done.”
Of course he’s not.
“Your career is yours, and your sound is yours, but I think you’re so blinded by the issues you have over your dad’s death and how the industry treated him that you can’t see what’s right in front of you. You’re fighting this too hard, and the only person you’re punishing is yourself.”
“I …” I try to dispute that, but I can’t.
“You’re so scared of repeating your father’s mistakes you won’t take any opportunity given to you. You always claim you want to be yourself, but I’m not entirely sure you know who that is—musically, anyway. You fight anything remotely mainstream on principle instead of preference. There will always be an excuse not to do something.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“It is that simple. I’m not the one fucking this up for you. Remember that when you find yourself in the exact same position in a few years. Remember it when the bitterness creeps in because I can tell you from experience, you can love someone with your whole fucking heart and still resent them.”
I know Ryder has those kinds of issues with Kaylee, and I also know he hates himself for it. I want to reassure him and tell him to let go of those feelings, but I can’t make my mouth work.
His words hit me as if he’s physically assaulting me, and the punches keep coming. The truth hits harder than anything else he could throw at me, and it stings.
“Don’t let your fear hold you back, and that’s all I have left to say. You get your wish. Your career’s all yours to ruin.” Ryder turns on his heel and storms out.
It’s hard to ruin something that doesn’t exist.
Defeat and guilt overshadow the frustration, and I slump.
Because he’s right.
I’m holding on to these deep-seated issues over my dad and his death. Any offer from the music industry will always feel like I’m selling out.
But how am I supposed to let go of that?
What Harley was offering sounded perfect—maybe too good to be true. I want to know more, find out if there’s a catch. Yet, I already wrote off the idea before I could ask more questions because of Ryder.
I didn’t lie when I said I’ve been avoiding auditions lately because I’m sick of the rejection, but it’s more than that.
I’m falling so fucking hard for Ryder. I’ve possibly already fallen completely. If I were to sign with a label now, I’m not sure we’re in a strong enough place to survive it.
He’s flighty and never had a relationship. I freeze every time he refers to me as his boyfriend because I’m sure he’s going to take it back.
I wanted to hold on to what we are building and postpone looking for representation, at least for a few months, then reassess when Kaylee starts school.
Except, now I’m wondering if that was an easy out. Was I using them as another excuse to hide behind?
