OUR PAPER CROWNS, page 9
“Okay, then I’ll go to sleep. Good night.”
Zilé takes off his jacket and also his shirt, so that he is half naked.
“I’m sure we’ll be able to accommodate ourselves,” Zilé comments.
Rob blushes. He nods. He surreptitiously runs through that torso that makes him run wild. How much blood pumps throughout his body when he sees him like that. How much debauchery and at the same time how much calm coexists in his body.
They lay down on the couch. It’s not as fluffy as it seemed. Zilé cradles him against his body and the sensation is divine. The heat and lines of his muscles pass through the fabric.
Zilé kisses him slowly while he brings him closer and closer to his body, as if there were a barrier over which they both deny and try to break it. It wants its pressure, every molecule of heat. He wants it all. The smell of his brown hair, the firmness of his shoulders, the delicate caresses with his pianist’s hands. “Make a melody with my skin, Hilsen,” she is dying to tell him.
Rob turns to respond to his kisses, every bit of his skin crawling. Breathe in its juniper aroma, the rage of those kisses mixed with tenderness. He responds by filling every gap between them. Hungrily caressing the exposed skin. Increasing his gasps.
“I could keep doing this until morning comes,” Zilé confesses, broken by passion.
“And I would ask you to do it for days and days.”
So they continue kissing. They don’t plan to stop until one of them shows signs of falling asleep. There are no complaints anywhere. Only exaltation, the joy of a wonderful day and the promise to continue replicating such happiness. There is intimacy, a space that between them is filled with invisible flowers, an adventure fulfilled to the letter. More and more songs intertwining with each other despite the fact that the festival has ended and the deathly silence around. There are also beams of light from some car in the distance. “It’s strange how light can reach us, don’t you think? And an extraordinary luck to share it with you,” Rob thinks, before falling asleep, with Zilé’s thick lips close to his chin.
The next day is much calmer.
Iker seems recovered.
Zilé bought him a couple of hydrating drinks.
He and Rob plan to spend the day as simple tourists.
In the morning they go to the morning food stalls. They are both starving. The food here is not bad at all. It is exotic, diverse, creative. Just like that spiral potato that Iker is devouring.
In the afternoon they go to a duck pond.
Nature is more exuberant and alive than the capital. It is obvious that winter is not so recalcitrant. Yes, even that pond looks like a botanical garden.
Zilé does not want to think about returning. The hours he spent in that place have been a dream. The distance has given him so much peace... Even though thoughts come unexpectedly about the ambush that his parents are surely preparing for him. Why is he fooling himself? It has always been like this, as if they agreed to ruin the little happiness that he lets on. Because he knows how to hide it very well. Although unwilling. What if Rob gets exasperated and demands to meet his family? What if he no longer wants to be in that protection bubble?
They buy buttered popcorn and eat it while watching the eternal wandering of the ducks in the huge pond. Iker talks to them about how he fishes and gives them his best advice. Zilé has learned that Rob hates fishing, but he does not interrupt him. Plus, you never know when you’ll need advice from an expert hippie explorer who lives in a van.
In the twilight, they approach a Ferris wheel. It shines like a second sun, its metal arms breaking up the violet sky.
“Do you want to go up?”
“It would be my first time, but sure, let’s go. Will you come, Iker?”
“I’m terrified of heights and I don’t want to repeat what happened yesterday, so I’ll wait for you here.”
So Zilé and Rob get in line. It moves fast.
“Wow.”
“Did you get vertigo?” Zile asks.
“Yes, but I’m fine.”
Rob manages to maintain his balance and sits properly. It’s just that the view from that point is spectacular. You can see the entire countryside, the mountains, some buildings and the lakes like spots of blue ink expanding and shining in the last rays of the sun. And then there is his boyfriend, resplendent like a sunset king, with his hair intact and glorious, with his bodyguard appearance, haughty and beautiful. When the Ferris wheel begins to spin, he experiences another kind of vertigo. A kind of vertigo that he thought he would never experience again. “I only feel this when I’m kissing you,” he says with his eyes. Zilé places a hand on his abdomen to calm him down. Little by little he gets used to the coming and going. He is nervous, but at the same time touching the electrical fibers of euphoria. If Zilé is nearby it is more than clear that nothing bad will happen. He has it perched on his lap and everything falls into place there: the awe, the ecstasy, the desire to scream. Thousands of thoughts intersect. A kind of mental short circuit. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he says with a kiss stolen from Zilé. And he says something like, “I promise you that our charm will remain intact. That I will never break it. That no one will ever break it.” Rob takes his hand and places it on his chest. He wants him to notice how racing his heart is for him. For him and for all the beauty. How will they ensure that neither of these versions of both of them break? He doesn’t know it yet. He assumes that he will discover it over time. That all the lovers in the world know it as they experience and live together and love each other. It assumes that love is infinite and that it extends by itself, by its own magic. That does not go extinct if you take care of it, if you attend to it and if you stay close. That time, as well as a cure, can also be a good ally and play in their favor, not betraying them or hurting them, making them miss a better time. Because the best times can be references to which to return, and they can be overcome and they shine due to inertia and are inextinguishable. If someone is capable of lighting such a risky fire in a heart, they are also capable of preserving it, which is why it is possible to stop fearing the end. They will always be able to return to this moment, to kiss and caress each other again and open their souls and leave it completely free to overflow. Meters above the ground, touching the sunset, daydreaming, running wild up close. As if the heart could stop from so much emotion and leave its movements in the longing hands of the other or in their heart. In a heart that doubles in size when cared for.
It causes Zilé a certain regret to say goodbye to Iker. It has been great to see him, great to meet and share a little of their current and mature lives. And introducing him to Rob, as if that act made it more real, that someone else would see him, that someone else would see them, and thus feel undeniably happy.
Back in Copenhagen he finds everything as he left it. They have returned on a Monday morning. Rob hurriedly because at that time he already had students to attend to and Zilé had several issues to settle regarding his degree.
When Zilé returns home (there has been more paperwork than expected), he sees neon lights in the hall and streamers and champagne glasses all along, which some waiters are filling.
“What is this about?”, he asks his sister Clady.
“My parents have organized it. They said they wanted to surprise you after your return. It’s not pretty? Do you prefer black or gold ribbons?”
“I don’t care,” he answers, impassive, although contrite inside. He would like to give the order to put all that away, to fire the waiters, to not know anything for the rest of the afternoon.
“They also told me to invite your friends. It’s a kind of party for you and them.
“I understand them less and less, and you taking their side doesn’t help at all.”
“I’m not taking a side at all. We just thought you would like this surprise. Maybe you’re acting strange because you haven’t seen all the alcohol yet.”
“I don’t even want to see it,” he says. “You have more than seen that not even the most exquisite alcohol could be enjoyed when our parents have a bomb in their hands that can blow up all your plans and your peace of mind.”
“You’re exaggerating, as always. Relax and leave everything in my cautious hands. And invite Rob. The day when you introduce him to the family has arrived. Go on, without further delay, because time is short.”
Zilé, grumbling, takes his cell phone and writes to Rob, hoping that he doesn’t see the message. Bring all the friends you can think of. Bring a whole tribe. You don’t know how dull my family’s guests will be. Instead, Rob sees his message almost instantly. He is excited. He sends him different clothing options. Zilé doesn’t care about that; Rob likes it either way. The detail makes him blush. “How I wish I could leave you without all those clothes,” he thinks. In the end he helps him make up his mind, just to make sure he doesn’t get too late and leave him to die abandoned in that ambush of tyrants.
For some reason, his parents don’t show up even after the party has started.
The guests begin to arrive, and with it, the uncontrolled eating. It is the only way Zilé has to ignore their unpleasant presences, although this time he is more moderate. He is also nervous about Rob’s presence. He is nervous about how his parents will see him and how he will see them. How will he see that opulence, how will he see that rigidity, how will he see that mystery of which Zilé has no idea.
Finally, he sees him accompanied by Picaza and her boyfriend, he assumes.
“Welcome,” he tells them.
“So this is the Thorn mansion,” Picaza exclaims. “Until we get to know it.”
“It’s no big deal,” he declares. “Help yourself to everything you like, go ahead. Make yourselves at home. Rob, how beautiful you look today.”
Rob goes to kiss him. Picaza and her boyfriend go to the drinks table.
“Have you drunk a lot?” Rob asks him.
“In moderation, I promise. My parents have a surprise in store for me, you know? And I’m one hundred percent sure I’ll need this to get through the bitter pill.”
“Well, thank goodness it’s in moderation.”
“We should go to my room for a moment. I forgot to put lotion on. Come with me.”
“Sure,” Rob answers.
They go up huge stairs of blinding white marble. The noise of the party gently fading away. All the bustle left behind. Once inside, Zilé closes the door.
“What an immense feeling of tranquility.”
“But last weekend we were at a festival a thousand times bigger than this party. Are you sure you feel okay? You’re a little strange, Zilé.”
“That’s what happens when I get tense. But all I needed was you to relax me. TRUE? I missed you. Can I start kissing you?”
“Of course, Zilé. Of course, I want you to kiss me.”
Zilé does not wait for a second confirmation. He lays Rob slowly on the bed, unbuttoning his red and blue plaid shirt. Under the cloth, his skin is crawling.
Rob smells the intense aroma of alcohol under the kisses, but says nothing. This is so pleasurable and so surreal that he doesn’t want to stop. It would be a crime. He’s enjoying it. He craves it.
He also takes off his shirt and the sensation multiplies. Its temperature is something that escapes comprehension. He sees the exalted veins of Zilé; the thought runs him wild. He finds it frantic. Zilé kisses his neck, his collarbones and goes down his abdomen. Then Rob twitches, as if waking up from a nightmare, and the illusion shatters into a million splinters of damaging light.
“I’m sorry, I was scared for no reason.”
“What happened?”
“Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this. You’re drunk and... I don’t know, I’ve gotten nervous. Maybe another time.”
“Alright. I didn’t bring you here for that reason,” Zilé comments, somewhat embarrassed, slowly digesting his consternation. “Although it hasn’t been bad at all. I should bring you more often.”
“To ease your pain. Like a second glass of alcohol... Sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that.”
“No, it’s not what you think. That was not my intention, I repeat, Rob. I just wanted us to have a nice time. A moment of privacy... Have I done something wrong?”
Rob puts his hands to his head, as if wondering why that atmosphere of intimacy has broken between them so suddenly. Until it becomes very clear to him, like a little ball bouncing in the corners of his mind: it was because of the alcohol.
“It’s just that maybe I want you to be in your five senses every time you touch me and kiss me... Just that.”
Why do his words feel fake? Has it been just that or has it been something more? Why has one moment felt the happiest human being on the planet and the next felt the urge to stop, that something was completely wrong? Was he the problem? What the hell was it about?
As if she absolutely did not want to know his boyfriend’s response, she opens the door and runs to join the noise of the crowd.
Rob needs to discuss this with Picaza.
However, during the time he spent with Zilé, more people arrived and now the lobby looks packed, just like a Gatsby party. He asks some people about Picaza, but apparently no one has seen her.
“Are you Rob Hilsen, my brother’s boyfriend?” asks a cute woman in a low-cut burgundy dress.
“Yes, I’m Rob.”
“I’m Clady. Nice to meet you! I was dying to meet you. And my parents too. They’re stuck in traffic. It gives me great pleasure to finally see you in person, in the flesh. I thought you were just an invention of Zilé, you know how he is.”
“Likewise. And no, I’m also glad that it’s not just an invention.”
They both laugh at the comment.
“You are so nice. Zilé told me that you play the piano. I would ask you to play us something, but apparently these types of guests are letting off steam even though it’s a work day.”
“Don’t worry, there will surely be plenty of opportunities. Any other time I would gladly play something for you… By the way, have you seen my friend? It’s her,” Rob shows her a picture of the two of them on his cell phone.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I have not spot her. Have you already taken a walk around the pool? Maybe she’s over there.”
“That’s an excellent idea, Clady. Thank you so much.”
“No problem. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to wait on the waiters. It’s been a pleasure meeting you.”
“Same, Clady.”
Clady leaves with a smile on her face, with genuine joy for this meeting that, it seems, she has waited for a long time.
A few dozen questions float in the air for Rob. What was Zilé like with his boyfriends? Why does he seem so different when he drinks? Why did that version from a moment ago scare him? Will it always scare him? He fears that these questions are unsolvable, that they may be a tunnel without end. How will he resolve them? Will he always live with uncertainty? Is he exaggerating things?
He walks around the house like a pilgrim. The huge hallways seem like a maze to him, until he sees some stained glass windows when he turns around and ultraviolet blue lights. There is the undulating pool with several girls and boys, but neither Picaza nor her boyfriend are there. Of course, the two of them have been like dirt lately, despite their previous comings and goings.
So, he thinks, they must be in a situation like the one he and Zilé were in a few moments ago.
Rob goes back up the stairs. How will these people avoid getting tired?
He looks into the rooms.
He hears voices in the distance.
It’s like an argument fading away.
“My boyfriend is gone, but it’s obvious that someone has left you wanting…”
“No one has left me wanting. It takes a lot for that.”
Both voices are heard drowned in alcohol, as the words come out slowly, with effort and hastily.
“You can vent with me everything you don’t vent with him. You must already need it.”
“I already told you no.”
Rob thinks that conversation is a mirage. That at any moment he will wake up in a different reality.
But no.
This, the hustle and bustle, the racing heart, the liquor and the bright lights are more than real.
And also those words that stab him again and again.
The words of Picaza and Zilé.
Then, as if he couldn’t take it anymore, as if the words were too hurtful and he couldn’t stand them anymore and wanted to witness something else, he enters the room and sees them. He sees everything too well.
Picaza straddling Zilé, kissing him passionately, surrendered to a desire that who knows how long she has kept calm.
To Zilé slowly pushing her away, but something telling—insisting—to Rob that there is an underlying desire of his, that he doesn’t completely want to push her away. And that almost brought him to his knees.
“It’ll be better if I go look for him. Do not do that again. Never,” he says without stopping to look at her.
Rob pulls away despite how immobilized he is by the sight. He wants to flee to the end of the world. He feels that this vision will accompany him forever. He is certain that everything has ended without remedy. Are these hours the end of everything?
And even then, Rob doesn’t want to get clouded by alcohol.
He wants an explanation.
Zilé catches up to him in the hallway.
"I’ve finally found you," he tells Rob.
“I’ve seen you. I never thought you two were capable of doing that to me. Two people I love so much...”
“What are you talking about? What Picaza just did? I hate to do this, but you should know that it was entirely her fault. She was trying to flirt with me and I didn’t respond. Because I would never respond to her or anyone other than you.”
“I don’t know if I should believe you.”
“You have always believed me. I swear I’m telling you the truth. Believe me.”
“I don’t know what to do, Zilé. I just want to go home. Without you, this time. Coming has been a mistake.”
Zilé stretches out his arm, but all he touches is the steam of a cursed party; Rob has fled.
