Hello My Love, page 11
part #1 of Between Two Worlds Series
After a while, her mother got up, sat on the arm of her chair, and gathered her in her arms. “Oh my baby! I’m sure we'll all manage. You know we're here for you.”
Elise was grateful. She clung to her mother who could find no more words with which to comfort her. She held Elise—stroking her hair, pressing her cheeks and her lips to the top of her head.
Dr. Halverson watched mother and daughter. He rose from the sofa, but sat down again. He had been sitting with arms and legs rigid the whole time. Propping himself with both hands on the couch, he rose once again. He stuffed his fists into his pockets and walked towards Elise and his wife. He stopped for an instant, and walked away again, scowling, gritting his teeth, and muttering, “If only I knew who it was.”
Anger was an emotion that rarely bothered Dr. Halverson. When he was a student in college, he declared himself a pacifist. To him, violence aggravated problems rather than resolving them. As far as anyone knew, he never shouted at or punched anyone.
He was tall and lanky, with limbs that appear to flap from the joints, giving the impression that he lacked physical coordination and that if he threw a punch, it would land somewhere other than where he had intended. His large, intelligent deep-set blue eyes—the one characteristic his daughter inherited from him—had tiny lines on the sides from a habit of smiling. They made him look too kind to ever consider harming anyone. But, he had been athletic as a young man, who learned to use his whole body for both offense and defense. He had also honed his wit to use as a weapon.
After some time, Elise stopped crying and Dr. Halverson approached mother and daughter again. He started to open his mouth but his wife shook her head.
She said to Elise, “Stay here tonight. We’ll figure it all out. In the past, grandparents always helped care for children. I’m sure we can do the same. Even now, I read that among Hawaiians, everyone—the whole family, the community—is expected to take care of children. Much like that idea in It Takes a Village.”
Dr. Halverson raised his eyebrows and glared at his wife. He uttered a soundless “What?”
His wife glared back at him, compressed her lips for him to say no more, and turned towards her daughter.
Dr. Halverson sat down again and watched them.
“You can have your old room back. I have my sewing in there now but it should be easy to take those out. The bed is made.”
Elise forced a tremulous smile at her mother. “You don’t mind?”
“No.” Mrs. Halverson reassured her with a gentle smile. “Who else would you turn to?” She wove her fingers through her daughter’s hair and away from her face.
Elise laid her head on her mother’s lap. She was more subdued now. She closed her eyes and submitted herself to her mother’s soothing hands.
Silence reigned in the room for some time. Elise was exhausted. Her parents looked exhausted. They all needed to be silent for a while. To Elise, the silence meant a lot. There was calmness in it, the sort that followed a major storm. For her and her mother, a kind of trust, a bond once there and repressed, was beginning to reawaken.
At length, Elise raised her head. “I’ll go and rest in my room for a while, if you don't mind.”
“Yes, do that. I’ll make us some light dinner. None of us will have much of an appetite.”
As Elise was about to disappear into the hallway leading to the bedrooms, her mother added, “You can move back in with us whenever you’re ready. I can help you get your things from your apartment anytime you want.”
Before dinner was over, they all agreed, without words being said, that Elise was back to stay that very evening and for as long as she needed.
The following days, Elise moved around the house without paying much attention to what was going on around her. Her uncharacteristic outburst had drained her and she did not talk much. Sometimes, she stopped in the midst of a sentence and stared, unseeing, into space or at some object in front of her. Often, she withdrew into her room after meals, instead of talking to her parents or sitting with them—as she used to do—absorbed in a book or pounding on her laptop. Many times, she cried herself to sleep at night.
Her father was spared from seeing much of her unhappiness during the day, when he went to teach at the university. But, at dinner, he regarded her, with worry in his eyes, particularly during those long moments when she stared at a dish in front of her without eating. But Elise could not help it. The dishes she used to love were now often unpalatable or difficult to swallow.
She always felt relieved when dinner was over. After helping her mother in the kitchen, she gave each of her parents a perfunctory kiss, muttered a good night, and disappeared until morning. Sometimes, she did not come to breakfast. Her parents let her alone.
*****
A week later, before he went to work, Dr. Halverson talked to his wife about Elise’s behavior.
“How is she doing? She's not losing weight, is she? Is she eating enough? Is she this morose all the time?”
“Well, she's pregnant. I was nauseous at the sight of food, the first three or four months. She’s probably like me. The good thing is, studying seems to take her mind off of whatever’s depressing her. She leaves her door ajar during the day. I see her bent over her books. As focused as she’s always been.”
She frowned. “She closes her door again, minutes before you come home.”
“What do you mean? Is she angry with me? But why would she be?”
“No, no. That’s not it. She’s not angry with us, I'm sure of that. Anyway, I could be wrong about the door. I may be imagining that. Maybe, she believes she’s let us down? You, especially?”
“Well, she has. But we’ve been supportive, haven’t we? Given her space.”
He walked away, scowling. He shoved his fists into his pockets, muttering again, “I wish I knew who the man was.”
On the weekend, Elise’s best friend Leah came to stay, lifting Elise’s mood for a few days after. The Halversons relaxed a little.
IX. Elise
“Hello, Leah!”
“Elise! Where are you? I was beginning to worry about you. Isn’t it later than usual for you to be out?”
“I’m at my parents. I won't be coming home tonight.” It was the evening of the day Elise told her parents she was pregnant.
“You homesick for your parents?”
She could hear Leah laugh but, after the events of that day, she found it hard even to feign amusement.
“Actually, I won't be going back to the apartment. I’ll be by to pick up my things, sometime in the next few days.”
“Isn't this quite sudden? What's the matter, Elise? I've been suspecting something has been going on with you. Your mom or dad sick? Are you sick?”
Elise could not answer; her tears were still too close to the surface.
“Elise, are you still there? Talk to me. Did I do anything wrong?”
“No, no. Not you at all, Leah. And no one is sick. It's me. I've been so high-strung lately and I'm not used to it.”
“Now, you're spooking me out. I've always admired how straight thinking you are. How cool you remain under pressure. I’ve never heard you talk like this.”
“Please, Leah. I can't say much more right now. Can you come, visit me? I need a friend to talk to. Stay the weekend.”
“This sounds serious. Yes, I'll be there.”
*****
Leah appeared at the Halversons' door on Saturday afternoon carrying a bulging bag and a suitcase. Mrs. Halverson greeted her at the door.
“I took the liberty of bringing some of Elise's clothes. How is she? She sounded upset when we talked last Friday evening. I've never seen her like this.”
“I'm sure she'll tell you about it herself. Right now, she's asleep in her room.”
“She's been doing that lately. Her classes seem to tire her out. She isn't sick, is she?”
“No, I can't say that she is. Come to the kitchen and I'll get you a drink. Then I'll show you the guest room. Elise says you're staying the weekend.”
Elise emerged from her room about an hour later. She joined her parents and Leah in the living room where they had been watching the afternoon news.
Leah got up and gave her a hug. “There you are. You look rested.”
Elise held on to her tight. “I’m so happy you came. Let's go to my room.”
*****
Two hours later, the two sat huddled together on Elise's bed, still talking in hushed tones.
Leah said, “So, that’s why you said all those things. Remember when I showed you that newspaper article? About the wedding that never took place.”
“I couldn’t tell you at that time. I don’t know why. I wasn’t ashamed of what I did. Not even guilty. No regrets, either. I fully expected him to go through with his marriage. I was prepared never to see him again.”
“Do your parents know who your baby’s father is?”
“No. But they don’t ask, which is good, because I’m not ready to tell them yet. My dad’s angry, of course. He and Greg are very good friends and I don't wanna mess with that right now.”
“You'll have to tell them, though, sometime.”
“When things cool off. I can't, right now. Not yet.”
“Girl, you’re in love in a bad way. I’ve seen the guy. He makes news. Tall, dark, piercing blue eyes, bushy eyebrows. Definitely not bad looking. With his money, I’d say he’s a handsome dude. Too many women seem to think so. But I didn’t figure him as your type. I actually thought Daniel was.”
“So did I. But I couldn't get past treating Daniel as a very good friend and nothing more.”
“So, what does this guy have that Daniel does not?”
“I don't know, outside of what I feel. We didn't get along well when we first met. I hated the image I had of him.”
“It's not his money, is it?
“Oh, Leah!”
“Just checking. Gotta look at every angle, you know.”
“But what if I tell you I fell for him because I liked the way he said my name? ‘Elise’—long on the “i,” a pronounced “z” almost ending in “e.” Does that count? As a good shallow reason.”
Leah chuckled. “Now, you’re getting into the right groove. How about this? Underneath his suit, I bet he has a great bod. And with all that hair on his head, he must have a hairy chest. I love hairy men. Was he good in bed?”
“You would ask that. He made me feel loved, desired. He began so tenderly, so sweetly, but I felt myself burning at his touch. That was new to me.”
“Oh my!” Leah fanned herself with her hands and the two of them giggled.
Leah studied Elise's face intently. “It's nice to hear you laugh. But there's sadness in your eyes. I'm not used to it. It’s obvious you love this guy and you're grieving his loss.” She slapped her palm on her forehead. “Oh Gawd! I sound like my dad. But it makes sense.”
“Does it? I hope so. Right now, I can't get my mind around what's going on with me. I’ve never been this miserable.”
“That's not unusual.”
“You never fell apart after your two break-ups.”
“I've been through it a few times since high school. I've got practice. Even so, I was miserable every time. One thing that helps me—from the very beginning, I tell everyone who cares for me what I'm going through. I get an awful lot of sympathy that way. I never had to be miserable on my own.”
“Yes, I should learn to do that.”
“Well, you're one tough cookie with a glass jaw.”
“What?”
“Don’t mind me too much. I’m just mouthing what I heard from my dad. As far as young people go, he likes you. That’s a compliment, coming from him. To him, most of us, young people, are still wishy-washy, unformed. But he says you know exactly where you want to go and you’re a problem solver. Not readily fazed by obstacles. Those were his exact words, by the way—‘a tough cookie with a glass jaw.’”
“Huh?”
“Well, the way I understand it, it’s like having a chink in your armor, a fragile breaking point that you're probably not conscious of. Like what you’re going through now.”
“Maybe, I should go for therapy with your dad.”
“It helps. He's not cheap. I'm lucky. I get my therapy for free. Although with me, he insists all he's doing is being an understanding parent.”
“My dad doesn't understand much of these things. He's very sweet; and he and my Mom both love me very much. To them, I can do no wrong. Maybe, that's why I can’t allow myself to make mistakes.”
Leah studied her face for a minute. “Are you sure you want to move back here, with your parents? Maybe, it’s better for you to stay with me at the apartment? I’ll help you.”
“I have to take time off next semester to have my baby. You'll be quite busy, working on last-minute requirements for graduation. After that, you’ll be studying for the bar. Anyway, I’ll need my mom, and she needs to be of help to me. It makes her feel good, taking care of me. We've never been as close as we’ve been, the last few days.”
She stared blankly into space and was silent for a few minutes. Leah did not intrude into her reverie. Elise was grateful. They both needed to be silent.
Sometime later, Elise said, “My dad—I think I've disappointed him.” Her voice quivered. She bit her lip and blinked. She thought she was calm enough, but tears had started to gather in her eyes again.
Leah reached over, took Elise's hand in hers, and stroked it gently. “Fathers do not do well at this sort of thing.”
Elise nodded and lapsed, once again, into a long silence.
Leah said, “Anyway, I have decided not to sublet. I have saved enough money to pay my rent to the end of the school year. So, anytime you feel like coming and staying for a while, don't hesitate.”
Elise bit her lips, already a little swollen from previous days. Her eyes were red and puffy and her face flushed. Her breath was coming in quick, jagged succession until the tears came again. Copious tears. She was getting used to them. But something was different this time.
These were quiet tears. Less from misery than from gratitude. Yes, she was grateful, relieved. People close to her understood and accepted what she was going through. She no longer felt alone. She had Leah; she had her parents who, she was sure, would come to be at peace with her decision to keep her baby. Coping with what she was going through did not seem so daunting anymore.
Leah leaned forward again and placed her arms around her. Elise clung to Leah and cried on her shoulders. A long while passed before she calmed down.
*****
Elise and Leah spent that weekend in intimate conversations. Dr. and Mrs. Halverson left the two alone.
On Sunday night, the friends lay on Elise's bed after dinner. Leah said, “Maybe, you should recall those days when you didn't like the guy. You know, focus on his irritating qualities.”
“I’m not sure anymore what they are. Some of our clients at Legal Aid wanted to sue him. But he settled, reached an agreement with his workers. I counseled them not to give in. The offer seemed the minimum he could get away with. They could have pushed for more and been awarded more than they settled for. At the time, I thought Greg took advantage of them.”
“Well, there you go, a ruthless, grasping employer.”
“Except, he took steps in favor of workers. He’s consulted with my dad. As a result, he’s phasing in an affordable health care plan. Now, he has an assistant who’s setting up childcare within the company premises, paid for by the company. There’re other plans they’ve talked about.”
“This guy sounds too good to be true. But, okay, I’ll go with it. Let's try this—he doesn't love you, but he wanted to get into your pants. He wanted your body, not the beautiful person inside you.”
Elise could not help laughing. “Oh, Leah. You're funny. And you do me good.”
“Help me out here; I’m trying to cure you. Think of all that’s bad about the guy.”
“Maybe, he did want just my body?” Elise sighed. “Well, that’s how it is, though, isn’t it? For almost everyone in our generation. Love needn’t enter into it.”
“Oh, Elise! I’m so sorry. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”
“No, it’s all right. I’ve actually wondered if I was the problem. I still believe that if you spend a night with a guy, it has to mean something more than just minutes of panting and titillation. It did, to me at least. Anyway, this affair has brought us closer, you and I. My mom and me, too.”
“Not that I'm glad you're miserable right now. But, you’re right. I think we’ve evened things out a bit. Until now, you've been the selfless one, listening and giving. But I’m happy to reverse roles, for once, so call on me anytime you need support or just someone to talk to.”
*****
Elise felt better the weekend Leah visited. The mood lasted a few more days. The following weekend, her brothers came to visit. They had to be told but she dreaded the prospect of it.
They were both angry, as she expected. Not at her ostensibly, but at the irresponsibility of the unknown man. She thought it unfair—their anger towards Greg—but she could not defend him. Later, she heard Peter, her eldest brother, talking to their mother in the kitchen.
“How stupid of her not to use contraceptives! How could she make that mistake? I don't get it.”
“Neither does your father and neither did I. But I suspect she knew what she was doing all along. At some point, it didn't seem to matter anymore why this happened. She's made her decision and we should respect it.”
“But isn't she imposing on you? You told me, when she left for college, that you were so relieved. No children to take care of anymore.”
“Strange how things are sometimes. I’m quite okay about all this. Elise has always been so independent and I felt I wasn't much of a mother to her. Now, suddenly, I am.” She laughed. “I'm baking fewer cookies and we’re spending time together. I'm actually enjoying babying her a little. Anyway, who else is there to help her?”
