Zed, page 26
“I was fuming. I tore through the place, following the music blasting from the pool room, and found Raine out back, blitzed and partying with a bunch of his friends. I lost my shit and kicked everybody out, yelling and screaming like a crazy person. Raine and I came to blows, and I pretty much dragged him to my car by his hair while he yelled and screamed and fought me every step of the way. I’d had a couple of drinks with my mentor hours earlier, but was nowhere near the limit by the time I got behind the wheel. I stuffed him into the car with me, and we argued all the way to the mall, shouting the worst shit at each other.”
Tears were cascading unchecked down his cheeks, but he held my gaze, baring himself to me.
“Poor Lily was already upset about being left, but then to make matters worse, she had to sit in the car while the two of us hurled abuse left and right. We barely paused to greet her as she got in, and neither of us bothered to make sure she’d fastened her seat belt.
“Raine was yelling that I’d kidnapped him and he wanted out of the car. I, of course, was refusing to stop, and on and on it went. Lily was in tears yelling for us to stop, and for me to be careful on the road. Neither of us paid her any mind. It wasn’t about her at that point—it was about the two of us and our enormous egos, and stupid fucking pride. Raine was especially pissed at me for breaking up his party and sending his friends home. In his eyes it made him look like a pussy. Anyway, the argument raged on, and for reasons I’ll never know or understand, Raine grabbed the wheel. He was out of it, and I think maybe he thought he could get me to pull over so that he could get out, or some shit. I don’t know. In any event, what happened was that I lost control of the car and we swerved into oncoming traffic. You know the rest.”
I did know from the court transcripts. The car collided with an oncoming vehicle and spun out of control, hitting a light pole. Unrestrained in the back seat, Lily had sustained massive trauma to the head and died in Zed’s arms.
My own tears streamed down my cheeks as he continued.
“She was the sunshine of my life. It’s a cliché that people use all the time without really meaning it, but in this case, it was 100 percent true. She really was. She just had this thing about her, this glow that when she walked into any room, people naturally gravitated toward her. She’d smile at me and call me Zachy”—which explained why he’d almost lost it when Raine had called him that earlier—“and she could bring me to my knees with just a look or a smile. I called her Scout. I can’t even remember why now. It was just a cute little nickname I gave her when she was tiny that stuck.
“I would’ve done anything for her. If she’d asked me to get her the moon on a stick, I’d gladly have died trying. At least that’s the lie I’d always told myself, when in reality I couldn’t even keep her alive. I’m her big brother. I was supposed to protect her, not kill her.”
“You didn’t kill her. It was an accident, and she died. There’s a difference.”
“The difference is semantics. The accident was my fault, and as a result, my sister is dead. If you’d held your baby sister’s shattered body in your arms as she took her last breath because of you, with her pleading with her eyes for you to do something, anything to save her, you’d know there’s no form or words that will make what I’ve done any better. That will wash the blood from my hands. That will make me any less of a monster.”
Holy shit. I couldn’t deal. I couldn’t cope with seeing the man I loved torn apart by grief and guilt that way. I was openly sobbing by that point. The whole situation was so far beyond tragic that I didn’t even have an adjective that could adequately describe it. It was gut-wrenching, and heartbreaking, and so much more besides.
I had no idea what to do or say to Zed to offer him comfort. We were still lying on our sides, facing each other on the bed, our tears running onto the white sheets, creating increasingly larger wet patches. I reached out and stroked his cheek, tracing the track of his tear with my fingertip. He took my hand in his and pressed his lips to my palm. Neither of us spoke for the longest time until I couldn’t take it any longer.
“None of that stuff was mentioned in court. You basically confessed to having an Oxy addiction, and claimed you’d purposely mixed pills and alcohol. Why the fuck would you admit to that when it wasn’t true?”
“I took a plea. You’ve read the file. You know that.”
“Yeah I know, but I never believed it, nor would anybody who’s spent more than about ten minutes in your company. Any lawyer worth their weight could’ve gotten that case thrown out on account of the fact that the ‘evidence,’ such as it was, was purely circumstantial. You weren’t over the limit, and it’s not against the law to drive on pain meds. Were you high?”
“I don’t think so, but maybe my reflexes would’ve been better if I hadn’t been sleep deprived, had a few beers earlier in the day, and taken pain pills.”
“Maybe, but that’s something we can never know, and definitely not something that will get you sent down for vehicular manslaughter. Just by showing up, your lawyer could’ve worked the charges down to reckless driving. You could’ve faced a fine and a few months in jail, if that.”
“Is that all my sister’s life is worth? A handful of bills, a few weeks in jail, and a slapped wrist? Don’t you see? I wanted to be punished to the full extent of the law. I took the plea precisely because I knew that a manslaughter charge probably wouldn’t have stuck if the case had gone to trial.”
“I’m certain it wouldn’t have, especially if you’d mentioned Raine taking the wheel. He was way above the age of criminal culpability—he was almost eighteen, not eight. It shouldn’t have been solely on you to shoulder the blame.”
“I wanted it to be. I hadn’t been there for Lily and protected her the way I should have. The least I could do was be there for him.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Who tried to work the system to get a harsher sentence? Surely it was unheard of. I didn’t know, but one thing that was becoming startlingly clear as we spoke was that if I had any doubt about my feelings for this man before, I was certain now. I loved him deeply, for all the good it would do me.
“And where were your parents in all this? Happy to just sit back and let you take the fall, not even try to fight it?” The very idea of it made my blood boil. My mom and dad would’ve walked barefoot across the surface of the sun to help any one of us in the same circumstances.
“My father just wanted the whole thing to go away as soon as possible before it made the press. Me taking the plea deal ticked that box. His contribution to proceedings was to pull some strings with his friends in high places to get Raine’s name sealed from the record of the accident. Who knew what my mother thought. She was notably but predictably absent throughout the process.”
“So many similarities with Xavier and Xander Cross.”
“Right?”
“What is it about wealthy people and their propensity to have kids and then treat them like a total irrelevance for the rest of their lives?”
“Beats me. Anyway, I had always been the least-favored child, so my dad was more than happy for me to take the fall and spare the golden boy. Raine had his place at Yale already, whereas, as far as he was concerned, I was wasting time and money shambling around at art school, just like my hippy mother.”
“So off you went to jail, and as far as your mom and dad were concerned, good riddance, and they could throw away the key?”
“Essentially. Barring today, I haven’t spoken to either of my parents or Raine since. I had no idea what he was doing with his life, and obviously no clue that he shares a business with your brother. That’s wild.” I nodded. It sure was.
“You’ve heard the rest. That’s where I got into tattooing—I guess as a more appropriate way to keep art in my life somehow.”
“More appropriate than what? Don’t you draw or paint anymore?
“Nope. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do anything since. I just don’t feel like fine art is where I’m at these days. Tattooing is more grounded. More real. Doesn’t get more grounded than four years inside, so I’m where I need to be.”
“But you’re not happy.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t need to.”
“I’m fine.” The words were one thing, but his body language was another.
“You deserve more than ‘fine.’”
“No I don’t.”
“You took some missteps, and you paid for that by voluntarily subjecting yourself to the rigors of our penal system. How much more of a martyr do you want to be? Now you’re out, but you’re still punishing yourself in your own way every day. Not practicing your art anymore, not allowing yourself to get close to anybody, even platonically, let alone have an actual relationship.” I glanced at him, trying to gauge his reaction to my words, but he kept his face blank. I took that as my cue to continue.
“It’s a textbook case of self-sabotage. Are you afraid that if you get involved with someone, they’ll let you down, just like everyone you’ve ever loved, except Lily? Or is it that you think you’ll be the one letting people down, like you feel you did with her?”
“Jesus, Octavia, why do you have to push? All. The. Time. You might be smart, but you’re not a doctor or a therapist. If you were, you’d realize by now that nothing’s holding me back. I’m not afraid of anything. I just don’t feel the same way about you as you do about me, that’s all.”
Boom! There it was.
The truth, served cold.
38
Zed
Boom! There it was.
The biggest lie I’d told since I’d let myself go to jail for a crime I didn’t commit.
Just when I thought it wasn’t possible to stoop any lower, I had. Vivi looked as though I’d punched her in the gut, but as quickly as she’d lost it, she regained her composure like the consummate professional she no doubt was.
“Okay, so I guess that brings us to the end of the road, then, as far as the thing between us is concerned, if there ever was a thing. Let’s draw a line under it and go our separate ways. No hard feelings.” She sat up and shuffled toward the end of the bed, clearly not wanting to be anywhere near me. I watched as she wrapped her arms around herself as though cold. I would’ve given my right arm to be the one hugging her at that moment, but as much as it hurt, I didn’t move. This was the way it had to be.
“Vivi, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. These things happen. You’re not in control of or responsible for my emotions. Nor did you make any promises. You didn’t lie to or mislead me. In fact, quite the opposite—you were clear about your intentions, or lack thereof, and your limitations from the get-go.”
That’s where she was wrong. I had been far from honest with her just before, but I’d said what I had to say to protect her. All I needed to do now was follow through with it in my actions, which I had the distinct feeling was going to be easier said than done, largely because I really didn’t want to.
“Let’s just call it a summer-ish fling and leave it at that. It was fun while it lasted, and for me, it was the perfect way to get back on the horse after my ex. They say you have to get under one to get over one, right? Getting under you has been fun, so thank you for that. You really did me a solid. You’re so totally different from the guys I’d normally gravitate toward, for all the good it’s done me. Either way, you have been a truly welcome diversion, but it’s time to go back to the scheduled programming.”
A diversion? Scheduled programming? So I had been a novelty experiment, had I? With my tats and my piercings, not to mention my non-corporate job and my criminal record. She’d been sticking it to the establishment, her ex, and probably her father too. But now it was time to toe the party line again and go back to dating the cookie-cutter lawyers, bankers, and consultants she was used to, who everyone expected her to date. No wonder she had been so hesitant to talk about “us” to her cousin. There had never been an “us.”
She wasn’t falling in love with me at all. I truly had been her pet project, just as I’d suspected all along. She’d wanted a break from the norm, and someone—or something—she could fix. Enter stage left, exhibit A: the broken rebound guy. In a weird way, I guessed I should’ve been glad that was the case. I definitely felt less guilty knowing she had never been serious about me. It had been fun while it lasted, but it had run its course, and now we could both get on with our lives as they had been before we met.
“Speaking of drawing a line and going separate ways, do you think maybe it’s time you considered Xavier’s debt paid?”
“What?”
“I mean, apart from the fact that it would be a little strange for me to accompany him under the circumstances, he’s put in the hours every week and kept to the rules most of the time. School’s out for the summer in a few weeks. Surely you can’t be expecting him to continue coming during the school vacation? He’s almost eighteen too, and about to go to college. You’ve made your point now. Why don’t you just let him pay you the rest out in cold hard cash? He has plenty of that to spare.”
“Jesus Christ! What is it with you people and fucking money?”
“Excuse me? What exactly do you mean by ‘you people’?”
By the set of her jaw and the hunch of her shoulders, I could tell she was raving mad, which I found kind of inexplicable until I thought about how my words might’ve been misconstrued.
“People with money. Corporate climbers. Overachievers. All of the above.”
“Oh.” She looked instantly relieved. Not that I blamed her, given what she’d thought I was intimating.
“After everything I’ve told you about what happened with Lily and Raine, do you seriously believe that I give a rat’s ass about the money? For the record, it was never about the cash, and always about the kid. I saw so much of Raine in him that it was almost painful to look at him at times, but I guess in some stupid way, I kind of thought of it as an opportunity for a do-over. Like I could somehow put right the shit I screwed up the first time around. I thought that, although I’d failed with Raine, maybe it wasn’t too late to be a positive influence in another kid’s life.”
I didn’t even know why I was telling her all this stuff. We were done. The experiment was over. She likely wasn’t interested in what else I had to say. Still, my verbal diarrhea showed no signs of slowing down.
“From the moment he came puking into the shop, I could see he was a textbook case. Poor little rich kid who doesn’t have a positive male role model in his life, given that his dad is neither a positive nor present. I in no way thought I could or should have been anything like a father figure to him, but I’d hoped I could provide him with an alternative reference point when it came to older males. It was stupid obviously, and if I needed proof of that fact, Xavier is lying in a hospital bed for pulling the same kind of reckless shit that Raine was doing at the same age.”
Vivi’s whole stance, demeanor, and body language softened as she responded, “There’s nothing stupid about wanting to help someone, and even though we’re here because he’s in the hospital, I believe you have been a positive force in his life regardless. Just by knowing he has people in his corner who give a damn about him, I’m sure you’ve helped. We both have.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, but I said nothing. I rose and started to move about the room.
“What are you doing?”
“Well, I figure that if the arrangement with Xavier is over, then there’s no need for me to be at the hospital tomorrow. I’ll bow out now, but can you tell him my door is always open?”
“No. If you have anything you want to say to him, you can do that yourself in person.”
This woman! She was insufferable.
“Okay, sure. I’ll do that at a later date.” To give her her due, she had a point. I at least owed him that, but I didn’t want to do it tomorrow when there would be so many other people around.
“I’ll get your brother’s clothes cleaned and mail them to you. Thank him on my behalf, please. He seems like a great guy. You’re lucky to have him.”
“It’s true. Although he’s lucky to have me also, and all of our sisters, despite the whirlwind of estrogen he grew up in the middle of.” She laughed at her own joke. “Seriously though, Raine is damn lucky to have you too. Whether either of you realize it, or not.”
I guessed that was one of the first skills they taught junior lawyers—lying with a straight face. As a more experienced attorney, Vivi was definitely a master at it.
* * *
I stared at the same line of numbers that I’d been looking at for an hour, yet I wasn’t registering a thing. Accounts were never my strong point at the best of times—which was why we had a bookkeeper to do the vast majority of that stuff—let alone when I couldn’t really concentrate on anything.
“Staring at the books like you want to set them on fire isn’t going to bring her back, you emotional dunce.”
“Fuck, Kota, have you ever heard of knocking? What the hell?”
“Are you blind now as well as stupid? The door is open, so why would I need to knock?” Chances were, she wouldn’t have knocked had it been closed, either, but I didn’t have the energy to argue with her over trivialities.
“Did you come here to do anything other than insult me? I thought maybe you’d brought me a coffee or some other token to demonstrate your respect and appreciation for your boss.”
She laughed at that, instantly taking the edge off her apparent irritation.
“Bahahaha! Really? Have you met me? I definitely appreciate my paycheck every month, but something tells me that’s not what you meant.”
