Racing the Storm, page 16
He shook his head again. “No. It was…” He breathed out a soft laugh and shrugged. “It was one of the reasons I threw myself into my research. I wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me. Why I was broken.”
I winced at the idea that he considered himself not whole. “I’m sorry.”
Danyal gazed at me a moment, then shrugged. “I never did find out why. My first heat was massively delayed. I had already started to suspect I’d never have one until the night I met you. I was able to study a handful of Omegas who went through the same thing, but there was never any one factor. Some of them were mated and never had a heat again. Some had more than one partner. Some just the one, like me. In the end, I realized I was just different.”
Pushing up to my knees, I gave into my urge to touch him. I moved slowly, but when he didn’t pull away—when he didn’t wince at the contact—I let my hand cup his cheek. “You do know you’re not broken, right?”
He scoffed a little, but the sound wasn’t cruel. “I’ve moved on from that. At first, I thought maybe you sensed something in me was…wrong, and that’s why you left. After the first year passed and not another heat, I thought maybe your Alpha instincts just knew.”
“No, I swear…”
He turned his head and nipped at my hand, silencing me. “I know that now. I was young and hurt and trying to find any reason why you hadn’t come back for me.” He licked his lips, and I choked on more words of apology. “Eventually I realized that whatever it was, it was on you. You were focused on the war, or maybe you had just wanted a single night. Maybe I wasn’t your type. Maybe you were already married.”
I closed my eyes and said nothing, just feeling the heat of his cheek beneath my palm.
“None of those reasons were my fault though. Just like my body being the way it is.”
I gathered my courage, then opened my eyes to look at him. “Why didn’t you ever find someone else?”
At that, he did pull away, and in spite of the pain, I let my hand drop into my lap. “Part of it was knowing that not everyone would understand that I wasn’t broken—just different. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to take rejection after rejection. Eventually, I would start to believe there was something wrong with me.”
“Danyal…”
“The other reason was because I still wanted you. I hated myself for it,” he said, his voice hard as he met my gaze fully, “but it was what it was.” He bit down on his lip, then shrugged one shoulder. “It got easier when you showed up at the base and pretended like you didn’t know me. It gave me closure.”
I had nothing to say in my defense. I wanted to tell him that of course it had nothing to do with him, but he didn’t know that at the time. My actions had given him the closure I didn’t want him to have, and it was entirely my doing.
There really was no going back.
I pushed to my feet and stared at him one last time, resolved to let him go. I might pine for the rest of my life, and I’d meant what I said about making it up to him, but I wasn’t going to force myself on him. He had wanted to move on, and that was the least I could do.
Saying nothing, I turned and walked back into the cave, and I pretended like it wasn’t gutting me when the sound of his footsteps didn’t follow mine.
Chapter
Seventeen
DANYAL
I wasn’t trying to punish him. Part of me wanted to, but as I sat there and watched the sunset beyond the trees, I allowed myself to acknowledge that Mikael was hurting, and I hated it. It wasn’t just Omega instinct that wanted to go after him and make it right—but I couldn’t deny my biology was playing some part. I had spent most of my life free of the restraints a lot of Omegas had to learn to live with, but being around Mikael like this was testing them now.
It hadn’t been like this for me in years.
I felt strangely young again—a pup just coming out of puberty, the tendrils of a last heat nipping at my heels. Never mind it had been decades. Never mind I had lived an entire lifetime without Mikael or a heat.
It was pride alone that kept me from going after him, but the wolf in me whined when he appeared hours later with the last of the fresh meat. There was a warmth in my stomach I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt, and it tied my tongue in knots.
Stay, I wanted to tell him, but I met him with silence.
Eventually, he turned on his heel and left, and I picked at the food—only to make him happy. What I wanted more than anything was to be home. I wanted a safe space to explore what all of this meant, instead of trapped with him after the agonizing time I’d spent under Kasher’s watch.
It was killing me, not knowing how safe we were. It was driving me up the wall not knowing whether those other Wolves had managed to accomplish everything they’d wanted to accomplish.
And to top it off, Mari and Kor’s child was still out there, and I wasn’t even sure she and Arturo had managed to get away without being caught.
After an eternity by the mouth of the cave, I dragged myself to my feet and made my way back into the tunnel. Mikael was there, curled in the corner near our supplies, messing with the little phone. I had no doubt he was trying to make it work so we could reach someone from our camp, but I wasn’t sure there was any point.
Kor had promised an extraction, but only if he could successfully get one to us.
“You should probably give that a break,” I told him, lowering myself onto the pile of blankets. I noticed there were more than the night before, and I realized he’d given up some of his share and created a little nest. I had to wonder if it was being cut off from civilization that was making him react harder to his baser instincts or if it was just me.
“Arturo left us something,” he said, his voice strained. “I missed it before.”
My eyes widened. “Left us what?”
Mikael held out his hand and there was a set of keys. “He also left coordinates. I looked them up, and they’re on the coast.”
“A boat?” I wrapped my arms around my middle, not sure how the hell that made me feel. “Do you trust him?”
Mikael blew out of a puff of air. “It seems foolish to, right? Considering he fucking stole Kor’s child and left in the middle of the night with half our shit? But he also went through a lot to get her back, and he’s no friend of Kasher.”
Mikael had a point, but it was against my nature to trust anyone outside of my pack. “Can you even sail?”
He snorted. “Yes, but it’s been a goddamn long time, and I’m not sure I can sail over the fucking Atlantic.” He dragged his free hand through his hair, then shook his head. “Everything feels like a goddamn trap, and I don’t know who to trust. It seems ridiculous to keep waiting here for some phone call that’s probably never going to come. But it seems equally absurd to trust this Wolf who has spent his entire life flowing in and out of the human world, undetected.”
I bit my lip hard, then released it. “I think whatever we choose, we’re pretty close to fucked. What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Tomorrow night, I think we need to sneak down into the village and try to get some information. Maybe see if we can figure out how bad it is out there.”
I raised a brow at him in the low lantern glow. “How?”
“I don’t fucking know,” he snapped, then swallowed thickly, and oddly, I was grateful when he didn’t apologize for his tone. “We’re probably going to have to break into someone’s house. We can check the news, get on the web. Something.”
I hated the idea of it, but he had a point. We could wait around here for Kor, or we could start taking matters into our own hands. And Kor had to know Mikael would choose the latter—and so would I. “Why not tonight?”
Mikael cocked his head to the side and studied me. “I’m worried it’s too soon after all the shit that went down at Kasher’s little castle.”
I snorted. “Tomorrow night isn’t going to make a difference in that case. We know how to be stealthy. We were made for it.”
He couldn’t really argue. Not only was it part of our biology, but he’d been trained for it. Years of war, having to sneak through enemy territory—he was perfect for this job. And I could follow.
After his prolonged silence though, I studied him a bit harder, then realized his hesitation. “You’re worried about me.”
“I know it’s unfair. Patronizing,” he added with a shrug. “But I can’t help it.”
We both knew that was a lie. He could help it. All Alphas could control their baser instincts when it came to Omegas—even the ones they claimed as their own. But I also understood how it was for him. We had just come together again, and he had no promises from me. All he had was his own ability to guarantee my safety.
“Trust me to follow your lead,” I told him. “I’m as antsy as you are to get the hell out of here.”
He flinched, like my words were cruel. “I don’t blame you for wanting to get as far away from me as you can, but there’s no need to take risks.”
I let out a small sigh and fought the urge to just throw myself into his arms, because it was exactly where I wanted to be. I was furious about the lies—even if I understood they were borne from trauma. But it didn’t change the fact that he was my Alpha. After all this time and all this distance, he was still my Alpha.
“I can’t know if I want to be with you,” I told him, and I felt his gaze get heavier. “Not out here. I just left Kasher’s compound, we’re stuck in a goddamn cave, and we’ve lost Kor’s child. We just found out there are Wolves out there who can pass as humans,” and at that, he snorted, though the laugh wasn’t full of amusement. “We have no idea if a rescue is coming—or when. All we have is each other, and I don’t want that to cloud my judgment.”
His gaze lingered on me for a long while, then he let out a breath and nodded. “I understand.”
“Do you?” I pressed.
Seemingly unable to stop himself, Mikael stood up, crossed the distance, then knelt down next to me. “Yes, I do. I understand more than you could possibly know. This is the last place in the world I wanted to be when I told you what a fool I’ve been over these past few decades. But we’re here, and I couldn’t lie to you any longer. I want to beg you to give me a chance, but I’m not going to lay that on you here.”
He was close enough to touch, so I did. Not just for me, either. It was unfair to deprive him of these small comforts while we weren’t sure we were going to make it home again. My fingers grazed the top of his hand, then I curled them around his wrist and pulled. He collapsed into me without a second thought, scenting me along my neck with the tip of his nose.
“Danyal,” he breathed out.
I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel it—this uncomplicated care that didn’t need examination or unpacking. We could just have this, for this little while. “We should sleep,” I said after a beat. When he started to pull away, I held tighter. “Like this. I sleep better when you’re right here.”
He made a soft, almost wounded sound, but he allowed me to nestle us deeper into the blankets he’d carefully arranged, and it was only when his breathing began to even out that I allowed myself to rest.
I hadn’t expected to sleep so deeply, and I woke when Mikael dropped something along the far edge of the cave and started swearing. He had one lantern lit, and I could see him through the dim light, shoving things into one of the bags. He offered me a slightly guilty smile as I raised a brow at him, and he shrugged as he let the pack fall to his feet.
“Supplies,” he said. “For just in case. I also thought I’d leave room in the bag because if we’re breaking and entering, we might want to do a little stealing.”
I wanted to tell him no, but morals became more of an abstract concept when we were out on our own like this. It was France, so there was every chance there would be a decently sized wine selection in the house, and I could use a drink…or six. I let out a small groan as I pushed to my feet and stretched the kinks from my muscles, and I tried to remember what it felt like to sleep in my own bed.
It hadn’t been that long, but it also felt like a thousand years.
“When we get back, I’m soaking in a bath for at least three days,” I muttered, searching around for something warmer than the t-shirt I had on.
Mikael snorted and shook his head. “Make it a week. Did uh…when you were with Kasher, were you able to rest at all?”
I looked up at him, then shrugged. “Not at first. He kept me drugged in a cell. After we left though, it wasn’t a hotel, but it wasn’t torture. I had a bedroom and a bathroom. I had meals. I was just constantly reminded that I was alive on his whim, and he could change that at any moment.”
He let out a soft growl, then gave his head a shake, like he was trying to clear it. “I fucking hope we have our hands on that bastard. And I also fucking hope he’s not dead by the time we get back.”
I wanted to be the bigger person and not wish for the same thing, but I couldn’t deny wanting to be there as some of the Wolves got their revenge. I could only pray to every single one of the gods that Yasin had been rescued, and by the time they were ready for Kasher to die, he would be front and center with claws and fangs ready.
It was one of the few times I didn’t mind the idea of unleashing our inner beast.
“Danyal?”
I realized Mikael had said my name more than once, and I flushed slightly. “Lost in thought.”
“Of?” he asked, his tone cautious like he wasn’t sure he was allowed.
“Revenge. Blood,” I admitted. “Yasin being able to inflict even a fraction of the torment that Kasher put him through.”
Mikael said nothing, but his yellow eyes glowed brighter, and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was. Degradation, humiliation, torture—it would be too good for that bastard.
“We should get going,” Mikael said after a beat.
I finally found a light sweater, and I slipped it over my head before following him to the mouth of the cave. I had no idea what time it was, but the air and the night sky told me it was well past midnight. It would be easy to pick a place no humans were residing from the sound of their heartbeats, but I knew we didn’t have a long time to be picky.
We made our way down the hill, through the thick trees, and eventually into the shadows of an empty street. Mikael’s head was tilted as he listened, and I let him take the lead since his hearing was stronger. Our pace was impossibly slow, but after a few minutes, he reached out and seized my hand. “That building right there. There’s at least three floors, and the top two—I can’t hear anything.”
It would expose us as we darted across the street, but I couldn’t detect the presence of humans anywhere—at least, not ones that were awake. We rushed over, relying on our speed and his strength to get us through the door, and then we took the flights up. We stopped on the third floor, and he paused to listen again before nodding.
He worked the lock as carefully as he could, and soon enough, we were inside. The place smelled a little stale, but only like they’d been away for a few days. It likely meant the food was fresh, and there would be internet if Mikael could find something to use it with.
“I’ll take the back rooms,” he said. “Don’t turn on any lights, though.”
I gave him a flat look, reminding him that I might not have fought in the war, but I wasn’t stupid, then I began to shuffle my way through the living room until I stumbled on a phone. It was attached to a charger—it looked old, and when I punched in Talia’s number, I got a message in French letting me know that the phone wasn’t in service.
But, I realized after a second, it was connected to the Wi-Fi.
“I got something,” I called out, pitching my voice low.
Mikael appeared a second later, and his face broke into a grin when he saw what I was holding. He looked years younger as he rushed up to me, and he took my face between his palms instead of taking the phone. “Brilliant.”
I flushed in spite of myself, then gently eased back. “Why don’t you look up whatever we need. The phone isn’t in service, but the Wi-Fi is working.”
“It’s just as well,” he said, erasing the call history from when I’d tried to dial Talia. “We don’t want to give anyone a way to track us.”
I felt a little bit foolish, but he didn’t seem bothered by what I’d done. He quickly began to type on the browser, so I moved into the kitchen and found a loaf of bread that was a bit stale, but not moldy, fruit, some eggs, and the wine in abundance I had been hoping for.
I was half-way through filling the pack when I heard a small, distressed noise from Mikael, and I wandered out to see him standing at the window.
“Mikael…”
He held up his hand and shook his head, then mouthed, ‘Slow your heartbeat.’
I was terrified to move, so I waited—and after a short moment, a light passed by the window. It was only by luck alone that I managed to slow my heart to a human pace, not sure why he asked me to, but trusting he had a reason for it.
“They’ve got Wolves with them,” he murmured when the light had passed. “They’re listening and watching.”
“Fuck,” I breathed out. He had pitched his voice low enough that not even a Wolf could pick up the sound, and I quickly did the same. “Do you think they heard me before?”
“I doubt it. Your heart was at rest, just like mine. But it’s obvious someone alerted the town that we escaped in this direction. We’re going to have to leave. We can’t wait for Kor.”
I nodded, more scared than ever, but it made sense. “Your friends in Paris?”
“Maybe. Worse comes to worst, we commit a few more crimes and cross the border. When we get there, maybe we can find a private airfield and someone willing to bring us home.”
A plane would be faster than the possible boat Arturo left, but it would also be easier to track. That much was obvious. And there was a better chance of finding someone who could let us on anonymously.
