The Boyfriend Algorithm, page 21
“But without Thanksg—”
“Pfft!”
“Sorry. Without the holiday-that-must-not-be-named, there’d be no Black Friday.”
True. And he did love to shop. By then, he might actually have enough money in the bank to replenish his sadly neglected wardrobe. With zero positive cash flow, he hadn’t bought a new shirt since August.
Charlie said something, but more clonks on the ceiling drowned out her words. Forget cockroaches. We’ve been invaded by mechanical elephants.
“Sorry, Charles. What was that?”
“I said happy birthday.”
Panic pooled in Gideon’s belly. “My birthday was last week, you silly girl, on October thirtieth. We had cake. And a male stripper.”
“Go ahead and pretend for Lindsay and Toshiko, but do you really think you can hide a fundamental data point like that from me? I’ve known for years.”
“So why didn’t you out me?”
“I figured you had your reasons. But this year . . . seems like you need the extra TLC, even if it’s just acknowledgment. I know you hate to be ignored.”
“I—” The phone beeped with an incoming text, and he peeked at it.
You free tonight, G?
God. Travis Beatty, one of his ex-hookups who would not take the fucking hint. Talk about clueless. “One sec, Charles. I’m putting you on hands-free.”
“Why? Are you sexting while we speak?”
“I would never. After we speak, perhaps, but never during, and never ever with this guy. It’s Travis.”
“Lord, G. You’re not going out with him again, are you?”
“Don’t insult me, Charles. You know my rule.”
“Which one? There are so many.”
“Oh, ha-very-ha.” He tapped out Can’t talk. On the phone with Charles. “Two-date maximum.” Anything more and the guy got delusional and started to expect things Gideon was not prepared to deliver. Affection. Commitment. Butt sex. God. “Travis hit his expiration date two months ago.”
“Good. He gives me the creeps.”
“I’ll admit he’s a little intense, and has an overinflated opinion of his influence in the Portland business community—my own shiny corner thereof in particular.” That was why Gideon had agreed to the second date, despite Travis’s tedious and continual name-dropping. Huge mistake. “But ‘the creeps’ is a tad hyperbolish, don’t you think? I don’t date creepy guys.”
“No. You date yourself.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You only go out with men who look like you. Autoeroticism raised to the nth degree.”
“Travis, need I remind you, is blond, not a raven-haired beauty such as myself.” An extra-sharp distinction lately, since Gideon hadn’t been able to afford his usual highlights after his business’s unexpected economic downturn. “Choosing partners with the same dimensions and aspect ratio is simply convenient and efficient. The important bits line up so much better that way.”
“TMI, G.”
His phone pinged. Who’s Charles? You seeing someone else already?
God, Travis even whined in his texts. Actually, I kind of live with Charles. “Never change your name, darling. It’s sooo useful.” Must dash. Business meeting. TTFN
“I’ve got to run, G, but I wanted to wish you—”
“Yes.” His voice came out harsher than he’d intended, but drawing the attention of the cosmos during October-the-sequel never turned out well. “It feels like I never see you anymore, darling girl. So next week, I’m taking you and Lin out for dinner. It’ll be a roommate reunion. My treat. And what the heck—let’s invite Toshiko too. Knowing her, she’d probably activate her inner tricorder and show up anyway.”
“Okay. But you don’t have to—”
“Nonsense. Of course I do.” Clank-clank-clank-clank clonk. Good God. “Now, if you’ll pardon me, I have a mechanical elephant to slay. Arrivederci, my darling.”
Gideon tossed the blankets aside and jumped out of bed. Whoever was tromping around up there should have more consideration than to wake people up with the steel-drum version of Riverdance. There were landlord-tenant covenants that covered this stuff, damn it. True, Charlie wasn’t home, Lindsay had probably left for work an hour ago, and in the usual scheme of things, Gideon would be halfway through his regular spin class by now, but the battle droid upstairs wouldn’t know that.
He muttered curses to himself as he dressed and completed his minimum personal grooming. No need to go to extremes to confront the elephant, but he had his standards.
Gideon stormed upstairs, prepared to use Lindsay’s name in vain—You realize the landlord’s daughter lives downstairs, don’t you?—if it meant vanquishing the insensitive cretin who had released Mechagodzilla to trample across his ceiling.
The door to the attic apartment was ajar. Gideon thrust it open and stomped inside.
“Have you no respect for . . .” His gaze traveled up and up and OMG up. He wished for a mechanical elephant. He wished for a plague of carnivorous locusts. He wished he’d minded his own freaking business and rocked the noise-canceling headphones.
Because God. He was face to . . . to crotch with a fricking giant. The man in the middle of the room had massive shoulders, biceps straining the sleeves of his Henley, a chest twice the width of Gideon’s. He’d be huge if he were standing on the floor, but the floor wasn’t good enough for this guy. Oh no. He had fricking two-foot metal stilts strapped to his feet. He looked like half an Imperial Walker.
Gideon’s reptile brain fired a flight response for all it was worth, urging immediate retreat. But years of self-preservation as the skinny gay geek had taught him at least one thing: never back down. The instant you displayed your soft underbelly (not that Gideon’s belly was ever soft), you were toast. So he invoked Wallace Rule of Engagement number two.
The best defense is to be as offensive as possible.
To find out what happens next, get Clickbait now!
Dear Reader,
Thank you so much for reading The Boyfriend Algorithm! I’m so happy you’ve taken this journey with me! I’d be immensely grateful if you’d take a moment to leave a review at the retailer and any other site you use for reviews. Believe me, reviews make an enormous difference to the health and well-being of books (and not incidentally, to their associated authors!).
If you enjoyed Charlie and Daniel’s story, you might be interested in seeing where the series goes next in Clickbait. This is a M/M romance, high on the geek spectrum, featuring web designer Gideon and Lindsay’s brother, electrician Alex, as they try to reconcile content with presentation.
If you like a little alternative reality with your humor and M/M romance, you can’t do better than Cutie and the Beast, the first book in the Fae Out of Water trilogy, the springboard that launched my Mythmatched story universe. If mystery is your jam (especially of the paranormal variety), dive into Five Dead Herrings, Book One in my Quest Investigations series (also set in the Mythmatched world), where the lone human in a magical PI firm is just trying to maintain in the face of supernatural shenanigans!
Pop on over to my website, ejrussell.com, for all the deets on my books—the rest of my Mythmatched tales, my other paranormal rom-coms and mysteries, my contemporary romances, and my one lone historical. If you’re an audio fan, you can find the audio scoop there too. (The Quest Investigations series, for instance, is narrated by the wonderful Greg Boudreaux, while Cutie and the Beast and the other Fae Out of Water books are performed by the equally fabulous Joel Leslie.)
For exclusive content, ARC giveaways, not to mention gratuitous dance videos and cat pictures, join me in E.J. Russell’s Reality Optional, my Facebook reader group. My newsletter is the place to get the latest dish on new releases, sales, and more. I promise I only send one out when I’ve got…well…news. Subscribe here.
All my best,
—E
Paranormal Romance
Mythmatched Universe
Fae Out of Water Trilogy
Cutie and the Beast
The Druid Next Door
Bad Boy’s Bard
Supernatural Selection Trilogy
Single White Incubus
Vampire With Benefits
Demon on the Down-Low
Other Mythmatched Romances
Possession in Session (free to newsletter subscribers)
Howling on Hold
Witch Under Wraps
Cursed is the Worst
The Skinny on Djinni
Assassin by Accident (part of Carnival of Mysteries)
Mythmatched Companion Stories
Rusty’s Really Bad Day (free to newsletter subscribers)
Second First Date (free to newsletter subscribers)
First Flight (free to newsletter subscribers)
Quest Investigations Mysteries
Five Dead Herrings
The Hound of the Burgervilles
The Lady Under the Lake
Death on Denial
At Odd with the Gods (A Mythmatched/Purgatory Playhouse crossover)
Magic Emporium Series (shared element)
Purgatory Playhouse
Legend Tripping Series
Stumptown Spirits
Wolf’s Clothing
Enchanted Occasions Series
Best Beast
Nudging Fate
Devouring Flame
Royal Powers Series (shared world)
Duking It Out
Duke the Hall
King’s Ex
Art Medium Series
The Artist’s Touch
Tested in Fire
Science Fiction
Sun, Moon, and Stars Series
Partnership
Principles
Interdimensional Time Bureau
Monster Till Midnight
Historical Romance
Silent Sin
Contemporary Romance
Camera Shy
The Thomas Flair
Mystic Man
For a Good Time, Call… (A Bluewater Bay novel, with Anne Tenino)
Christmas Kisses (holiday shorts)
The Probability of Mistletoe
An Everyday Hero
A Swants Soiree
Geeklandia Series
The Boyfriend Algorithm (M/F)
Clickbait
Writing as Nelle Heran
(traditional cozy mystery)
Crafty Sleuth Series (with C.K. Eastland)
Die Cut
Mixed Media
Found Objects (coming soon)
E.J. Russell (she/her), author of the award-winning Mythmatched paranormal romance series, writes LGBTQ+ romance and mystery in a rainbow of flavors. Count on high snark, low angst, and happy endings.
Reality? Eh, not so much.
She’s married to Curmudgeonly Husband, a man who cares even less about sports than she does. Luckily, C.H. also loves to cook, or all three of their children (Lovely Daughter and Darling Sons A and B) would have survived on nothing but Cheerios, beef jerky, and Satsuma mandarins (the extent of E.J.’s culinary skill set).
E.J. also writes traditional cozy mystery as Nelle Heran. She lives in rural Oregon, enjoys visits from her wonderful adult children, and indulges in good books, red wine, and the occasional hyperbole.
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Many thanks to L.C. Chase for a cover that captures Charlie perfectly (and for being an all-around lovely person).
Of course, thanks to the fam: Jim, Hana, Nick, Ross, and Billy. Love you all.
And, always and forever, thank you to my readers for accompanying me on this journey. You’re the reason I can continue to follow my heart, and I appreciate you more than I can say.
E.J. Russell, The Boyfriend Algorithm
