If I Don't Ask, page 20
small office, which was basically a plywood box with room
enough for my desk, a full wall of filing cabinets, assorted
necessary electronics, and my sneaky Keurig coffee maker.
The only personalization I ever allocated to any of my field
offices were copies of my degrees, some college academic
awards and military commendations. No photographs, no
paintings or portraits. Nothing that might give me away.
Sabine removed her hands from the arms of the chair and
rested them in her lap as she stared at some point on my desk.
For the first time since I’d known her, her face seemed devoid
of all emotion. I flipped open her personnel file, skimming
details I already knew by heart. I looked up at her. “How are
you, Captain?”
Her tongue flashed along her lower lip. “I’m very well,
thank you, Colonel.”
I searched her gaze, unsure of what I was looking for. “If
you need to talk about anything, I’m always available,
Sabine.” Knowing her as I did, I knew she’d need to be pushed
to take up my offer.
“Thank you, ma’am. I appreciate that.” Her shoulders
dropped fractionally with relief, but she looked anything but
appreciative.
She looked like she was about to melt into a puddle and I
decided to spare her any further anguish, and get right to my
point. “Sabine, at my discretion, I’ve decided you’re able to
take some R and R.”
Her expression changed instantly to surprised confusion.
Both eyebrows moved into her thinking face and she quietly
cleared her throat. “Oh? I wasn’t aware I was able to take
leave now, ma’am.”
“As I said, it’s at my discretion. Technically, you’re
eligible.” I smiled patiently. “Of course, it’s your decision but
a little time off-base might be helpful.” I tried to make it seem
like a suggestion, rather than an order, even though I
absolutely thought it in her best interest. “How about two
weeks? Departing three days after Captain Boyd returns would
be the soonest I can allow it.” Given Mitch was currently in
Qatar, she’d be leaving in seven days. And I’d be leaving in
eighteen…
The thoughts flashing through her mind flashed in her eyes,
though her face remained almost expressionless. I could see
her battling with herself, weighing every pro and con of going
home now versus staying here. After twenty seconds of
silence, Sabine leaned forward slightly and I wondered if she
was about to tell me no-fucking-thank-you. I kept eye contact
with her, willing her to see that this could be a good thing, and
trying to keep my own thoughts and that tiny possibility from
coloring my influence.
Instead of declining as I’d been almost certain she’d do,
Sabine blurted loudly, “That would be…nice. Thank you,
Colonel.”
I tried not to let my relief show. Not only would this
hopefully be what she needed, but it would give me a little
over two weeks of separation from her. If I stayed away when
we were both stateside at the same time, that is. If…
Sabine sat quietly while I brought up the relevant form and
began filling it in. “Will you be at your home address?”
“Yes, and no doubt also in Ohio with my family, ma’am,”
she said, her voice hoarser than usual.
Family. Good. Support was just what she needed. Asking
her about her family would be the natural progression for this
conversation, but it was also leading and the last thing I
needed was to be led somewhere off this path. I checked her
file, noting next of kin and typing rapidly to fill in the fields.
After quickly checking all the details, I hit Print and passed the
form and a pen across my desk to her. “I’ll put this through
right away, Sabine.”
“Thank you, Colonel.”
She took her time reading the form, then added her
signature and the date in her usual careful penmanship. She
spun the paper around and slid it back toward me. Our fingers
brushed. It didn’t send a rush of heat or goose bumps up my
arm, but it did make me think of her fingers lightly brushing
over other parts of my skin.
I signed the form and slid it into my priority filing tray. “Is
there anything else I can help you with, Sabine?” I hoped if I
kept offering, maybe one day she’d take it.
“Actually, there is, ma’am. I need to change some personal
details. Specifically, my Record of Emergency Data.”
The form designating who was notified in the event of
death or an incident, and also detailing the breakdown of
beneficiaries for our death gratuity. I raised a surprised
eyebrow. If that didn’t confirm she’d broken up with her
partner, nothing would. “Of course. No AOP change?” Arrears
of Pay was any money due to us when we died after retiring
from the Army, and had nominated beneficiaries that might
also need changing if she was changing her RED.
“No, ma’am,” she said instantly.
I spun around to face my bank of filing cabinets and went
to the one in the far corner, rummaging through it until I found
what I needed. Sabine shot to her feet at my approach and took
the pages I offered, her head bowed while she flipped through
them as if studying the words might bring her the answers she
sought.
I remained where I was, close enough to see the finer laugh
lines at the edges of her eyes. “There’s very little I don’t know
about what is happening around here, Sabine. I would like to
reiterate that my door is always open if you need a confidant.”
Sabine’s head snapped up at that. She held eye contact, and
the desperation in hers was raw. She wanted to talk about it,
needed to. But I sensed that she truly didn’t actually know
how to verbalize what she felt. After a long pause she blurted,
“Thank you, ma’am. It was just a bit unexpected.”
I studied her, wondering if she’d elaborate. “It often is,” I
said as evenly as I could. I needed to be careful that I didn’t
give away how much I knew, or worse—give away my
feelings.
Sabine’s face wavered between caution and openness. “I
would have preferred to know it was happening, rather than
being bombed from across the world. Metaphorically
speaking, ma’am,” she clarified.
I leaned back against my desk, resting my clasped hands
against my thighs. She was the most fascinating woman I’d
ever met, simultaneously open while keeping herself closed.
Assured and competent, yet also lacking confidence in some
things. Mature, but also childishly playful. “Do you think
being prepared would have made a difference to the way
you’re feeling now, Sabine?”
Her eyebrows rose in surprise. “Yes, ma’am. I could have
formulated a strategy, or even gotten in first.” There was the
slightest hint of arrogance in the statement, but the words were
what caught my focus. Gotten in first. Was she implying that
her relationship hadn’t been peaches and cream for a while
now? More importantly—why did that even matter to me?
Because maybe it would make me feel less uncomfortable
about how she’d been interacting with me, knowing she might
have emotionally checked out of that relationship before I ever
came into her life.
“So, your pride is also hurt,” I said, a little more bluntly
than I meant to. “I’m surprised. I’ve never considered you
egotistical.” Professionally egotistical, sure, but not personally.
Her backpedal was so fast she almost tripped over her
words. “I’m not! I mean, I don’t think I am. At least no more
than anyone else, ma’am.”
True enough. I tilted my head in acknowledgment, and
mused a quiet sound that made it clear we didn’t have to
continue with a subject that was making her uncomfortable,
and wasn’t going to move us forward. “I’ll see you later this
afternoon?” Our weekly team meeting where I’d not only have
to work through our usual agenda, but also watch carefully for
any signs that gossip might still be swirling around.
Her teeth grazed her lower lip. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Very good.” I pushed off my desk, catching myself before
I was propelled right into her. “Think about what I said.
Dismissed, Captain.”
“Thank you, Colonel.” She saluted and once I’d returned it
she spun sharply on her heel and left my office, closing the
door with the softest click.
I sank back into my chair and leaned forward until my
forehead rested on Sabine’s file. I would have stayed there
trying to dissect our conversation for who-knows-how-long if
not for an email alert on my work laptop. My request for a
spot on a Space-A flight back to D.C. had been approved, and
my transport to Bagram to board that flight confirmed. Given
my rank, I was sure they’d put me on the first and thankfully
most convenient Space Available slot as soon as I arrived at
Bagram, instead of juggling me around like most others. One
problem sorted.
Now to address everything else I had on my plate. First up,
team meeting agenda.
Aside from being the last to arrive, I noted that after
agreeing to take leave, Sabine seemed a little more like
herself. Some of the tension had relaxed out of her shoulders
and the lines at the edges of her mouth seemed smoother.
Either she was coping relatively okay, or pretending she was. I
dismissed that second thought. Sabine was many things, but
burdened with false bravado she was not. She was so full of
emotion and expression, and though she could mask what she
felt, some of it always slipped out.
After the meeting I lodged her leave, RED, and AOP forms
as priority and spent an unnecessarily long time distracting
myself with patients. Though I knew I’d be in for a no-hot-
water experience, I waited until after dinner when the bulk of
the base had showered. The cold water felt refreshing as it
rained—or more accurately, dribbled—down on me, and I
stood as long as I dared without feeling like I was wasting
water. Something about a steady stream of water over my head
always shook my thoughts loose.
The timing of Sabine’s trip home overlapping with mine
was just a coincidence. Nothing more. I’d made the call that
she needed to get home soon. And she couldn’t go before
Mitch returned. My trip was immovable because of Linda and
Michelle’s wedding. Just a coincidence. Nothing more.
After two chapters of my book, checking my emails and
messages in case Linda needed something, another chapter of
my book and then a short erotica story from the collection
Linda had provided, I still hadn’t fallen asleep. And I was now
sleeplessly exhausted, and a little aroused. I knew one surefire
way to help myself relax, but even after so many deployments
I’d never been able to shake the discomfort of masturbating
with someone sleeping on the other side of a thin wall, and
people who called me their boss all around me.
Still… I was beyond tired, stressed, and upset about a
swarm of challenges. Maybe a climax-induced sleep was
exactly what I needed. Unbidden, the image that had run
merrily through my brain when I’d been with Linda returned
—me and Sabine engaged in sweaty, intense, sensual sex.
Arousal shuddered over my skin and the immediate pulse
of need had me pressing my thighs together to draw out the
sensation. It was the kind of arousal I knew would reward me
generously if I could hold off, draw myself out. But it was so
intense that I wanted to touch myself right then and make
myself climax. I brushed a hand over my breast, teased my
nipple through the fabric of my tank, continued down my
stomach, lightly stroked the bare skin above the waistband of
my pajama pants.
I was a second away from pushing my pajamas down my
thighs when I heard the distinctive sound of Sabine trying to
walk quietly through the halls, which in her case was a kind of
Ugg-clad shuffling. I pressed the button to illuminate my
watch. 2:07 a.m. Jesus, Sabine. Apparently my assessment of
her coping okay was way off the mark. I’d heard her shuffle
past my door last night right as I’d been falling asleep, and
assumed she was ducking out to the bathroom. Now I knew
she’d been pacing. Based on her predilection for both anxiety-
related insomnia and an inability to be still when she was
stressed or upset, her wandering now could only mean one
thing. She was anxious, stressed, or upset. Or all three.
Now that I knew she was out in the halls instead of in her
room on the other side of the building, a sleep-inducing
orgasm was totally off the table. I rolled over and closed my
eyes again, trying to relax and ignore the arousal that hadn’t
gotten the message that it was going to be ignored tonight.
The faint shuffle of Sabine approaching again increased my
concern. I slid out of bed, flicked on the light and opened the
door, peering down the hall. She was about ten feet from my
door, walking zombie-like, as if she’d allocated no thought to
this activity except move. “Captain Fleischer,” I said, loud
enough to catch her attention, but quiet enough to not wake
sleeping personnel.
Like a cat burglar caught in the act, she stopped dead and
turned around slowly. I leaned out of my bedroom doorway,
conscious that I was in pajamas and braless. As she slowly
walked back toward me, my tired-eyed focus on her wavered
and I grabbed my glasses from the bedside table. “This is the
second night in a row you’ve been walking the hallways
instead of sleeping, Sabine.” Well done, Rebecca, you sound
like a stalker. I cleared my throat and tried to explain myself.
“The footwear you insist on wearing as slippers make a very
distinctive sound when you’re pacing the hallways.” I stared at
her Uggs. “This is also the second time this morning you’ve
walked past my doorway.” And not the first or even second
time I’d caught her stress-insomnia pacing.
Sabine raised both hands, palms up. “I apologize for
disturbing you, Colonel,” she said, her voice a low murmur.
Oh, she was disturbing me, but not in the way she thought.
“Have you been to sick bay to get something to help you sleep,
Sabine?”
“No, ma’am.”
I slid my glasses off and rubbed my eyes. Despite how I
felt about her, Sabine Fleischer was quite possibly one of the
most frustrating people I’d ever been assigned. I’d never met
someone so focused on others’ care while being so willfully,
resistantly ignorant to her own. “Perhaps you should consider
it.”
“I will, Colonel. Consider it, I mean.” It was said quickly,
an automatic reaction that I doubted she’d follow through on.
“Good, now please go back and try to sleep.”
“Yes, ma’am. Just another lap.” She flashed me a cheerful,
slightly forced smile and made a swirling motion with her
forefinger.
I tried to adopt a jokingly serious tone. “If I hear you go
past my door again, I’m going to force you down the hallway
and lock you in your room.”
Her lips twitched. “Yes, Colonel.”
I stepped back into my room and closed the door between
us. Only when I was sure she was gone did I collapse against
the wall. I doubted I was going to be sleeping tonight either.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
After catching Sabine in the throes of stress-insomnia, I’d
been wavering on whether or not I should intervene. She
clearly needed help, but what kind and from whom was
uncertain. But when she had a meltdown during our flag
football game after dropping a pass for a touchdown, my
decision was made for me. It was clear that if Sabine was
sleeping at all, it was minimal, and I knew from sneaky peeks
during mealtimes that she was barely eating. It hurt me that
she was suffering so much and clearly unable to manage, but
at the same time I had to balance that care I had for her as a
human…a woman, with my responsibilities as a commanding
officer.
But before I could formulate an intervention strategy, the
day went to shit. A stable casualty decided to be unstable with
