Golden Boy, page 11
It would mean being honest—authentic, I guess—with ourselves, with Golden, and with each other. And we’ve always had parts of ourselves we just couldn’t bring into the relationship fully.
After more than a decade with my husbands, we all know what to expect. We’re all happy enough with what we have. Introducing a boy to this delicate balance would change everything.
Yet I know for myself that some windows, once opened, can never really be closed.
“Maybe,” I say at last with a sigh. “I guess I… uh… I really like him.”
Star snorts. “Yeah. That checks out. Remember when we all got together? Man, you were such a dick. I haven’t seen you keep your walls up like this in a long time.”
I don’t think about those days often, but he’s probably right. I haven’t been like this in a long time.
It lifts my spirits and softens my nature to have Goldie’s energy around. His smile makes me want to fight back the world on his behalf when I barely even know him.
And I’m furious as hell at a world that would grind him down.
“I’m sorry,” I tell them with a sigh. “But I just…” I gesture helplessly. “This shouldn’t be anything new. We’ve been joking about this for years. Three Daddies waiting to be old enough for their own boy.”
Star puts his hand on my shoulder. “I was the one who said that. And it wasn’t really a joke. I saw all these parts of us that we don’t bring out in each other. And… well, they can’t live in the dark forever.”
Wait, what? I didn’t even know he remembered that conversation.
“So why now?” I ask him, my chest tightening with worry. I don’t think he’s spent the last decade unhappy… but now I’m wondering. “Why not five or ten years ago?”
Nye answers for him. “We weren’t ready. I know I wasn’t.”
“And me,” Star murmurs, and they both look at me.
I clear my throat and scuff my foot over the ground, but they aren’t letting me wriggle out of this one. “Okay, fine,” I sigh as each of my husbands touches one of my hands. They were right. “I’ve been hiding behind a… a wall.”
“And this one really scares you,” Nye whispers. He leans in and stretches onto tiptoe, wrapping his arms around my waist to rest his chin on my shoulder. “Tell us.”
I grimace, my voice rising as I struggle to find the words. “It’s just… he’s younger. Obviously. He’s not as experienced. He barely knows what he wants in the world. I don’t even think he’s had a threesome, let alone three of us.”
Star nods and leans on the shelf next to me. “So?”
“That’s fine for a plaything. It’s fun for a night. But as a boy? Our boy? How the hell does that work?”
Both of them are silent, not saying a thing. I’ve never felt the need to fill the silence, but the words are spilling out of me like a dam breaking.
“We’re just going to break his heart and… and toss him back out in the cold,” I fling my arm out as my chest goes tight with frustration. “How can you be okay with that?”
I swear, a cool breeze sweeps through the pantry as I say those words… like a bad omen.
I keep trying to pull back—physically and emotionally—but it’s too late. I’ve got that nagging feeling that my husbands see what I’m not saying, too. And everything that I don’t see, even in myself.
Nye’s chin is still planted firmly on my shoulder. “And why do you think it’s going to end that way? With us throwing him out?”
“Because…” I trail off, and my gut churns with that weird feeling of deja vu. But we’ve never seriously pursued a boy before.
Then my gut sinks like a stone. “Oh.”
Of course it’s my family.
My husbands nod. They’re both smiling at me softly, sympathetically like they’ve been patiently waiting for me to figure it out.
I left home so long ago that I barely think about it anymore. I’ve poured everything into my new family—building this life with Nye and Star. Ever since we got married, I haven’t had a reason to put my heart on the line. Now we do… and I never, ever want to hold us back.
I’m ready to listen to my better halves.
“So what happens now?”
Nye squeezes my hand. “Easy. We finally learn to be Daddies, just like we were always meant to be.”
Yeah. That sounds right, actually.
It doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes. But we can talk to each other about it—and along the way, teach Golden what real, strong love looks like.
Star jerks his thumb toward the closed door. “And we get back out there before he’s old enough to need a boy of his own.”
We all laugh. Star and Nye kiss while I pull a bottle of merlot out of the rack, and then they both pounce on me to take turns kissing my face until I manage to escape them and open the door.
Blanche is sitting there with an anxious look on her face, her tail thumping on the ground.
That’s weird. After such a long walk, she ought to be fast asleep.
“What is it, girl?” Star asks, crouching to scratch her ears. “Oh, wait. The door’s open. Did you do that?!”
Shit. I think I know what’s wrong.
“Goldie? Goldie!” I call out, rushing to the front hall.
I see his coat, and his car keys… but not his boots.
Nye yanks the back door open. A gust of cold air sweeps through the room, and he shields his eyes against a flurry of snowflakes. “Guys, look!” he calls out as he crouches in the doorframe.
As I rush through the room, he turns to us. He looks so pale he might well have seen a ghost, and he’s holding something up.
A pair of Christmas Bunny ears.
“Oh, fuck.”
Chapter Nineteen
GOLDEN
It’s my own fault.
I hunch into my sweater, bracing myself against the howling wind over the lake. But the bitter cold around me is nothing compared to the regret that numbs me to the bone.
I let my guard down. The moment I thought I could have it all, I fooled myself into believing that I can have it all without settling.
But just right doesn’t exist.
I should have known. I did know, but I ignored it. I wanted to believe so badly that these Daddies could be mine.
Jude was the first one I met, and it hurts even more that it was his voice I overheard.
Just snippets, but it was enough.
Young, inexperienced, barely knows what he wants…
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I grunt through chilled lips, wrapping my arms around myself as I shiver.
That wasn’t the worst part, though. I’ll never forget the words that followed.
A plaything, for a night. Our boy.
That’s when I ran for home.
I only stopped for long enough to put on my boots, and right now I sure wish I’d grabbed my jacket, too. Worse still… my car is still in their driveway. I’ll have to sneak back there in the early hours of the morning to pick it up.
Fuck, it’s cold.
I shiver, blinking furiously. Each gust of wind drives sharp flakes straight into my eyes, and it makes it hard to see where I’m going.
Stumbling home in a blizzard, waking up alone in my plain little house on Christmas morning... anything beats staying at the Behr house to be used and toyed with, just for a night.
Fuck.
As frozen as I am, I can’t believe the thought of being used by three Daddies is enough to automatically make my cock twitch to life. The blood stirs in my veins, shrugging off a layer of cold.
I can’t let myself want this.
Why? Toys get broken. That’s how Christmas morning goes. These desires are just going to get me hurt over and over.
My Christmas wish isn’t for Daddies. Not anymore.
“I want to be normal,” I whisper shakily. I press my numb lips together and wipe my nose, desperately trying not to cry, because I don’t want the tears to freeze on my face.
Shit. It’s getting dangerous out here.
I shove my hands further in my pockets and pick up the pace. I need to ignore the cold if I’m going to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. But there’s nothing else on my mind besides the terrible weight crushing my heart into pieces.
I do want to be used.
But not like that. Not behind my back, while they say such tender things to me and act like they want to be real Daddies.
What I need is someone to see me as worthy of their claim. I want to be marked as their own, and to give them what they need in return, and to be loved so hard I can barely think straight.
In other words, everything I thought the Behrs could give me.
I can’t believe I trusted them so quickly with so much of me, just because my heart told me to.
My heart is a lying liar, pants on fire.
Or else… maybe… things aren’t quite what I thought.
But what excuse could Jude possibly have for saying—
“Shit!”
I slipped on the ice—and I’m falling.
“Ow! Fuck, that hurt!”
One hand is on the ice. I caught myself, but not in time to stop myself from making impact with the frozen surface. My wrist and knee are throbbing with pain, but the cold dulls it quickly.
Too quickly. That should definitely hurt more than it does.
I’m scared now. Really scared.
I push myself upright again, swaying against the wind as I try to shield my eyes. But however hard I squint, I can only see glimpses of light here and there through the swirling snow.
I have no idea where I am, or which way I’m going… and I’m shivering uncontrollably.
Then I hear it—a scrap of sound carried by the wind. Someone’s voice. A deep voice, warm and familiar.
Help is nearby.
Another scrap of a voice, further away, and then another even closer…
It’s them.
They’re coming to save me.
What if I got everything terribly, terribly wrong?
“I’m here!” I shout out. “Over here! Help! Oh fuck—”
I slip on the ice again, and this time I don’t stop the fall in time. My feet fly out from under me and I slam into the ice.
“Ow, ow, ow,” I curse, and then the white blur around me gives way to a dark shape, broad shoulders.
Arms reaching down for me, scooping me effortlessly against a broad chest. Just a hint of a familiar, musky smell reaches my nose in the bitter cold, but I already know who it is.
“Daddy Jude,” I whisper.
“I’m here, Goldie.” With my shoulder pressed against his chest, his voice hums through me in a deep, comforting rhythm. “I’ve got you, boy. We’ve all got you.” He presses his warm lips against my temple, melting away the freezing cold. “I’m so, so sorry.”
But he barely needs to say a thing… the look on his face says it all. Relief, guilt, regret…
And hope.
“We’re going home,” Jude promises me, and I sigh and close my eyes, clutching his jacket. As I shiver against him, the world rocks and sways around me. He turns, effortlessly walking back through the storm.
Home.
Chapter Twenty
GOLDEN
I’m all wrapped up in a blanket, settled on Daddy Jude’s lap as he sits in front of the fireplace. My other two Daddies are holding my hands, gently rubbing them between their palms.
They’ve stripped off my soaking wet sweater, jeans, and T-shirt. But I can’t even be that horny about it, because they’re talking about whether to bring me to the hospital.
As Nye raises one of my hands to inspect my chilled fingertips, I bite my lip and frown up at them all. “I-I’m fine.”
Nye holds the back of my hand so tenderly against his forehead. Then, he turns my hand over and presses his lips against my palm. “Would you let us make that call, please?”
My breath catches in my throat as I meet his gaze.
I’m exhausted and freezing cold and still heartsick—the Behr Daddies could easily order me around. It means a lot that he’s asking.
Despite everything, I trust them.
“Okay,” I whisper, closing my eyes and nodding.
Nye squeezes my hand. “Thank you, sweetheart.”
The shivers have stopped already. As I gradually warm up, I’m half-listening to them talking about how I don’t have any signs of hypothermia or frostbite
“It was a close call,” Jude finally murmurs. “But he’ll be okay.”
Star chuckles. “Doctor Blanche agrees.”
She spent the first few minutes trying to slobber all over me, then making concerned whining sounds. Those have settled down too, though. When I peek through my lashes, I see her curled up on her doggy bed and ready to nap off the excitement.
“Thank God,” I murmur. “Or… thank you. All of you.”
They must have come straight after me to rescue me, and if they hadn’t… I don’t know what would have happened to me. Now that I’m back inside, I can’t even see the edge of the back deck through the floor-to-ceiling windows.
“I think we all just want to know… why’d you run?” Star lets go of my hand and leans over me to kiss my forehead, then settles his weight on one hip to watch me.
My lip wobbles, and I catch my breath. I can’t help looking at Jude first, and his expression creases in worry and guilt.
“Tell us. Whatever it is,” he urges me.
I swallow hard. “I… um, listened in. I overheard Daddy Jude say… stuff.”
“Like what?” Jude asks. He doesn’t even sound a little bit mad, or defensive, or nervous. He’s just watching me calmly as he cradles my head and neck in the crook of his arm. My legs are draped across his other arm, keeping me secure against his chest.
It’s impossible to be nervous in the face of that overwhelming stillness and certainty. It makes me feel like I can tell him anything—even this. “That I was going to be your plaything tonight.”
Jude’s breath rushes out all at once. He closes his eyes and bends over, burying his face in my hair and holding me tight. “I’m so sorry,” he murmurs. His thumb idly strokes the side of my neck in this tiny, affectionate gesture. “I can see what you thought. But it wasn’t what I meant.”
I nod, but after a few seconds, I can’t figure out what he did mean. “Oh?”
Jude clears his throat and straightens up so he can look me in the eye again. “I was talking to them about how it scares me that this isn’t just one night.” For the first time, he actually looks a little bit nervous in a whole different way. Raw, perhaps. He swallows hard and looks at Nye and Star, then back at me. “Because… I’m afraid that I’ll break your heart. Because I really care about you and I want to do this right.”
The way he’s watching me… even more than his words, it tells me that this is the truth.
“Oh,” I whisper as I sigh with relief. “But… I’m still young and inexperienced. You’re right. I haven’t even had a threesome.”
Nye runs his hand through my curls. “Getting more experience is easy,” he winks.
All three of the Daddies chuckle as I blush and squirm with excitement. It’s hard to stay focused on this conversation when they say things like that.
“But if this turns into what we all hope it does,” Jude distracts me once again, “you’ll always be younger than us. And that’s okay.”
“Not just okay. Important,” Star says, while the other two nod.
“Why?”
I think I know, but I want to be sure.
Nye smiles. “Because we’re all Daddies in need of a boy.”
“We have been for a long time,” Star says. “And somewhere along the way, we forgot that.” He looks at Nye, and then Jude. It makes me smile, watching their faces soften as they look at each other. His voice is thicker as he finishes, “But we remember now. You helped us remember.”
Hearing that makes me so happy I could almost cry. “Really?”
“Really,” Jude whispers. “I look at you, and I see… the reason I became who I am now. So when we found you one day—today—I’ll know what to do. All I have to do is trust myself.”
“If you can trust yourself… then I’ll trust myself, too.” I smile sheepishly up at Jude, and then the others. “I shouldn’t have run away. I just jumped to conclusions. I figured that maybe I was wrong about you all along. But… maybe my heart knows what it’s doing, if I listen.”
The three men all murmur their agreement, and Star puts his hand on my heart.
“Oh. One more thing.” Jude shifts his hold on me, laying my legs down. He reaches out for something, and then I feel it on my head.
“Oh!” I reach up to confirm it’s my Christmas Bunny headband. Soft, fluffy, and weird? That’s definitely it. “You found it! Now, that’s a miracle.”
“They came off right at the back door,” Nye tells me with a chuckle. “Good thing they’re too big. But I have some ideas on how to resize them, if you want to.”
“Really?” I gasp. “That would be amazing.”
“Nothing like a Christmas morning project,” Nye winks.
I blush at all the implications in his voice. The headband is already sliding to the floor just from lying here, and Nye is reaching out for it again. “Don’t bother. They’ll just fall off when I move around…”
“Oh? Are you planning on running away?” Jude asks me, his eyes twinkling with a self-deprecating glint.
“No,” I promise, reaching up to cup his cheek in my palm.
His stubble is rough against my skin, and I love the way my fingertips rest against the side of his jaw. Even more than that, I love what it does to Jude.
He’s suddenly even more focused and totally present with me, watching me like he’s reading every need.
I really hope he can.
“Never again. I want to belong to you. All of you,” I whisper, glancing between them all. “My Daddies.” Then I cast him an eager glance, my cheeks flushing bright red as I squirm against the floor just a little bit.
Enough to give him a hint.
