The Prudential Light, page 14
part #1 of Cry Havoc Series
My predicament was as intractable as ever it had been. If my condition were known, I would have to stay away from British people forever, and would never be able to bring the shame home to my family’s door. It was bad enough that they might know by now that my feckless husband had left Singapore with a string of debts in his wake, and worse that they might well think me dead. And my poor son! Was James being cared for, fed, educated? I turned my head away, because this line of thinking made my eyes prickle with tears.
Some days when I pondered my fate, I felt as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes. At home, I’d thought I knew how the world worked, but bit by bit my travels had made me see how wrong I was. My husband’s behaviour was appalling, but it was nothing new; newspapers and novels alike spoke of the ills of rascal husbands depleting all their funds and those of their wives, which became theirs upon marriage. I was beginning to see how unjust this system was for the wives of such men.
Travelling to Calcutta had shaken me too. To see so many people, so much poverty, and yet beauty, too. And now I’d seen Singapore with its mesh of cultures, fostered by the British for trade. The world revolved around money and status. We British thought we knew best, but now I thought differently. The world was so much bigger than I had imagined. Cultures older than ours existed, and they had the accumulated wisdom of ages. Mrs Li’s remedies worked, no matter that they seemed strange to me.
But the thing that had changed me most profoundly was meeting Yu Tang. He was the most intelligent and talented man I had ever known. Unlike most Englishmen, who might perhaps have a smattering of French—and Latin if they were well educated—in addition to their mother tongue, Yu Tang could make himself understood in Hakka, Hokkien and other dialects as well as his native Cantonese. But as the language of commerce was English, it was this language he had sought to master—and master it he had. I had no doubt he would do well in business as a result. A British man would take notice when Yu Tang spoke and hopefully would be honest in his dealings with him because of his fluency.
Yes, my views on life had changed so much. I was no longer the Miss Hardcastle-Smythe of old, but nor was I Mrs Leighton. It was time for me to be someone new.
One night close to when the baby was due, Yu Tang was sitting with me as usual, reading a newspaper, and a companiable silence had fallen between us. Yu passed me a small cup of green tea, and I thanked him and took a sip. I had grown accustomed to the taste and now looked forward to it. This thought made me look back on my time in this upstairs hideout, surrounded by tea chests and humidity. It was a coolish night. A breeze blew in from my small window and for once I did not feel like an oversized, sweating frog.
“What are we going to do, Yu?” I asked quietly.
He looked up from his paper, sipped his tea and responded, “Do?”
I was forever rubbing my stomach, feeling the baby move and kick. It comforted me. “After the baby is born. What is going to happen?”
Yu Tang blinked at me, his expression quite neutral. “What do you want to happen?”
All of sudden, I could not speak. My eyes filled with tears and my throat closed. “I…I…” As much as I loved this man, I knew I could not live like this in a small room, hiding from my own people and from his, any longer. I would perhaps be forever separated from my home and family if I stayed, and my status would be no better than a concubine or whore. I could not marry him as I was already married, and to pretend otherwise was beneath us both. It was impossible.
He folded his paper and placed it on the ground next to him. “Let us get through the birth first.” His voice was soft and calm. I knew him quite well now and I thought his emotions and thoughts were not far from mine. He had still not professed love for me; I did not think it was his way. But he had been quite charming when I confessed my love and admiration for him. More than all of that though was trust. I trusted him. Trusted him with my life.
“But…”
He shook his head. “We will discuss this after the child is born. It is bad luck to talk beforehand of plans, to talk of things that will cause distress, emotion and tears. All your energy should be on your health and the baby’s. Understand?”
I nodded. At that moment, a sharp pain made me gasp. “Oh!”
Yu Tang bolted upright, knocking his cup of tea and spilling it on the newspaper. “It has begun?”
“I am not sure.” I rubbed my belly. “We will need to wait and see.”
The baby was low in my belly, and even passing water was hard. I stood and walked back and forth, Yu Tang watching me like a hawk all the while. Another pain some ten minutes later had me gasping. It was stronger, like a band across my middle. It confirmed the start of my labour.
“It is time,” I said, reaching out to Yu Tang. He took my hand.
“I will fetch Mrs Li.”
Yu Tang hurried away, leaving me to pace up and down by lantern light and soothe my pains.
By the time the old woman arrived, my labour was well under way. Very soon those ten-minute pains became five-minute pains. Mrs Li encouraged me to walk back and forth and squat to help the baby move into the correct position. As well as lighting candles, incense and praying a lot, she comforted me and encouraged me, and even though I could not comprehend most of her words, we understood each other.
Giving birth in Singapore was different from my first experience of motherhood. With the assistance of Mrs Li, I was supported to stand and use the wall to lean on. This allowed the baby to come more quickly, I believe, and with less pain. Of course, I did cry out, and it did hurt, but not as much as I remembered from James’ birth.
The emotional pain was worse, if anything. I thought constantly of my son, how much I loved him and missed him, and how much he must have grown. However, Mrs Li did not let me dwell on this. She made me look at her and she breathed with me and soothed me. My perfect daughter arrived sometime before dawn. The picture of her small face still lives in my memory, so much like Yu Tang.
Mrs Li was excited by the birth. She smiled and nodded, and after cleaning me up and helping me to bed, she called to Yu Tang, who’d been pacing beyond the curtain in some distress. He hurried in, face pale, and his eyes met mine. I nodded to assure him I was well. Then Mrs Li passed over the wrapped bundle that was his daughter. Tears glistened in his eyes when he held her and rubbed his face against her head. The moment was full of tenderness, and I knew then that no matter what happened, my daughter would be loved and cared for.
“What will you call her?” he asked me.
“You want me to give her a name?” I replied automatically, not realising he would defer to me.
“Yes, tell me what you would like, and I will give her a Chinese name to match.”
I thought about it for a little while. “What about Lily? A white lily. She is a gift from her father.”
Yu Tang bowed his head, and I could see he liked my choice. “Lily. In my tongue she is to be called Baahow, which means White Lily.” Baahow was close to what I heard.
He handed Lily back to me and wrote her name on a piece of paper he pulled from his sleeve. He showed it to me.
陳百合
I still have that piece of paper with her name on it to this day.
I closed my eyes, trying hard not to ruin the moment by bursting into tears. I had to be brave. I had to have faith. “Chen Baahow,” I said experimentally.
I looked down at my sleeping daughter. “Hello, Lily.”
That was when the wave I had been trying to hold back hit me. To love and to hold and to know you had to part ways. When I started to cry, Yu took the baby from me while Mrs Li fussed over me and made me drink broth and eat stew. After I had calmed, I fed my daughter, Lily Chen, and we both slept.
After the birth, I was made to rest—and I mean really rest. I was forbidden to get up and do anything other than take care of my toilette. Yu Tang and Mrs Li brought me food and drink, and Mrs Li stayed with me and took care of the baby, bringing her to me only to nurse.
“It is the tradition,” Yu Tang told me when I asked him about it.
In the second week, I felt strong enough to talk to Yu Tang about what we should do. Previously reluctant, he folded himself onto the floor, crossed his legs and drew out a newspaper from his wide sleeve. He held it while studying me, nostrils flaring and lips pursed as if silently making a decision, then he handed it to me.
When I took the paper, he began to talk. “You cannot stay here much longer. When Lily turns one month, it is time for you to return home.” He had circled an advertisement which he now pointed to. My heart pounded, and fear, loss and love combined in my chest. I had to force myself to concentrate on the words of the advertisement.
A Miss Maria Lindsay was in need of a chaperone on her return journey to England. A first-class ticket was included, with a poop cabin and fine furnishings. The young woman’s father had passed away, and it was her intention to return to her family in her homeland. Barely seventeen, the charge of Miss Lindsay should not be too hard.
The ship was to sail after the full moon, which was a few days after Lily turned one month. I knew an opportunity to travel in comfort like this was rare, and my current situation untenable. I stared at the advertisement unseeingly for a few minutes, then, drawing in a few breaths, I lifted my gaze to meet Yu Tang’s. I could barely see him for the tears in my eyes. He came to sit by me on the bed and just held me. What was there for him to say? We both knew this was the best solution: a paid passage back to England, respectability maintained, and my baby girl left behind with Yu Tang, a man who pleased me on so many levels, and who I knew would cherish our daughter.
Eventually, Yu Tang rubbed my shoulder. “It is not good for your spirit to stay hidden here forever.” He pointed to the advertisement. “This is an opportunity for you to return to your home. You have a life and a future with your family there. I have responsibilities.”
“Yes, I know.” I barely got the words past my lips.
“A Chinese man has many dependants, and even though his heart may want it, he cannot abandon them to pursue a dream. There is nowhere we can be together openly, nowhere where it would be acceptable for a white woman to be with a Chinese man as man and wife, particularly when that woman has a husband living. We know this.”
I nodded, because although I had been trying desperately to think of a solution to our dilemma, deep inside me I knew there wasn’t one. It was time for me to go back to where I came from. But I had not anticipated I would have another child to consider. My daughter’s dark eyes regarded me, and I cried wholeheartedly for a few minutes.
“I will care for our daughter, protect her, and I will tell her about you,” said Yu Tang tenderly. “You will be forever in our memory. Will you write to this Miss Lindsay?”
I nodded, and after that, Yu took our daughter and cuddled her while I cried myself to sleep.
By and by, I wrote to Miss Lindsay and offered my services. I signed my name Mrs Wainwright, a name I made up, and purported to be a widow. As there was no Mr Wainwright, no man could have a say in my life from that day forward.
The acceptance of my offer came quickly. Apparently, an older widow was just the type of person they were looking for, even though I had no real references. They must have been keen to make the sailing.
Planning for my departure took time. I had lost weight despite my pregnancy, and I needed to adjust all my clothing, including those in my trunk. Yu Tang brought me three new dresses and a blouse in the designs I had given him. They were finely made and fit me perfectly. One was a light cotton, one was an evening dress in silk, perfectly suited for being in company on board the ship, and the third was made from fine sprigged muslin.
“Thank you, Yu Tang. Are they selling well?”
One of his rare smiles graced his features. “Sales are improving. I have not had the latest report from India yet.”
As Lily approached one month of age, I was able to get up and busy myself with preparations, both for my journey and for Lily. At my request, Yu Tang brought me some fine cotton to make some dresses for my daughter, which I enhanced with embroidered pink roses and some lovely, embroidered edging. I tried not to think about the time when she would fit into these, and I would not be there to see it.
One afternoon, Mrs Li came in, carrying something. This she presented to me with a spate of words, most of which I couldn’t follow. I opened the cloth and found there a number of red eggs and a gift for the baby, a lovely silk wrap. The precious cloth would be a treasured heirloom for my child.
“Thank you!” I said in Cantonese.
When Yu returned, he also had gifts: some sweets of Chinese make, and money for Lily. Gifts for the baby were traditional and the money and items would be kept for her. He had also procured a roll of red embroidery silk and notions for me, so I did not have to be idle on my sea voyage. He knew me well, and I was grateful.
After Mrs Li left for the evening, Yu Tang sat with me for our meal, while Lily slept on a rug on the floor. He presented me with an envelope.
“This is to assist with your expenses on the trip.”
In a daze I took it. “Thank you. I shall repay you.”
“No need. This is a gift. You have helped me, and you are the mother of my first child and, therefore, you will always hold a special place in my heart.” He placed his hand on his chest and bowed his head. Then, regarding me again, he continued. “Also, I give you this so you can remember your time here affectionately.” He passed over a box, and when I lifted the lid, there was the lovely little bowl he had brought for me to eat out of. It was indeed something I would cherish, being so fine and pretty. Then he reached behind him and drew out another box. This one contained a tiny teapot, enamelled in green with white magnolias. It was a beautiful thing and significant; a gift to remember him by. This time I managed to keep my emotions in check. “Thank you, Yu. I will cherish these gifts always, and remember you with fondness. Thank you again for your kindness.”
He bowed his head and then nodded when he met my eye again. “You learned a lot here, but not how to use your Prudential Light. I think that is because of your upbringing. I will do my best to make sure Lily can use any gift you have passed on to her.”
I blinked. He thought Lily would have some talent? I was heartened to know it. For while I was much better now at defending myself using everyday items and physical skill, my inner power would still not come when I tried to command it.
On the day of my departure, after celebrating Lily’s first month, an important milestone in Chinese culture, Mrs Li gave me herbs to take with me to dry up my milk, and she showed me how to bind my chest to assist the process.
I tried to delay the moment I said goodbye to my daughter. I held her, rubbed my face on her head, sang to her and inhaled her scent. I wanted to keep the moment forever. I had written her a letter, although all my excuses for leaving seemed so thin. A mother’s love should endure all obstacles. Yet, I did not belong in my daughter’s life.
Mrs Li talked to me and I tried to ignore her pleas, until I relented and let her take Lily from me. A huge push of emotion, nearly brought me to my knees. When I saw the look of pity in Mrs Li’s eyes, I was nearly undone. She dashed away with Lily before I could change my mind.
While Mrs Li took Lily to a wet nurse, I felt utterly bereft. My two children were both lost to me. One I could openly discuss and pursue, the other I must forever keep hidden in my heart. I did not think I could bear it.
It was nearing time for me to leave. Yu came to help me dress.
He placed a jade shard on a leather thong around my neck. “Please wear for good health.”
I touched the cool stone and my eyes burned with unshed tears. “Thank you. I have nothing to give you in return.”
“You have given me many things.”
Then, with my wooden chest secured to a cart in the street below, it was time to leave. I could say that I did not weep over Yu Tang, that I did not stain his robes with my tears, that I did not express my heartbreak or my wish for the world to be a different place. However, I set out to be truthful, and so I cannot.
Yu Tang stayed behind out the front of his shophouse as the men he had hired wheeled my chest along the street. I walked behind them, wiping my eyes and not looking over my shoulder. I knew that if I did, I would have run back and be damned, all our plans torn to shreds.
I had to face forward, go forward, and not look to the past.
The heat was unbearable that day because I was wearing my English clothes. Months of being inside wearing the far more suitable thin trousers and top had not prepared me for such heavy garments, despite them being light by English standards. I wore a lavender skirt and white blouse with a black jacket in my travelling trunk. My black bonnet finished off my attire. While not full mourning, it was appropriate attire for the widow I had told Miss Lindsay I was.
Arriving at the port without incident, I met with Miss Lindsay and her Singapore-based guardian. Miss Lindsay was dressed in mourning, too, a black crepe dress with matching gloves and hat. Her veil was rolled up out of the way so I could see her face.
“Good morning, I am Mrs Wainwright. We corresponded.”
Standing by her side was her guardian, Mrs Clunes, a hard-faced woman who lacked any warmth. She was at least twenty years older than me and dressed in a pale green muslin dress, remarkably in the style I had designed for Yu Tang. Lifting her nose in the air, Mrs Clunes said, “I see you have arrived promptly. I do not think we have met, and I know most of the English families here.”
“That is because I have only just arrived from Penang and am keen to get home.” My prepared lies slid easily from my lips.
“As you said in your letter.” The woman appeared dubious, and studied me closely. I returned her gaze coolly and tried not to fidget.
Mrs Clunes turned to her ward. “Very well, Miss Lindsay, the ship sails on the tide. Is this woman acceptable to you? We have no references as to her character, but she seems decent enough, if a tad sallow. Her accent is refined, so she must be of good breeding.”
