Dirty Laundry, page 21
She looked up at Ciara’s home, and it seemed that she’d walked a few paces forward without her own knowledge. The wall was right up against her nose now. She gasped and stepped back. A light came on and she nearly cried out—there was a dim glow from somewhere in the house, coming in through the open door of the dark sunroom. She wasn’t standing by the wall anymore. She was right at the glass doors of the sunroom, where she could look in. Her eyes adjusted quickly to the things there. The reading chair. The storage compartments for the toys. A Waterford crystal vase on the ledge, arranged with English lavender from the garden.
Ciara’s silhouette suddenly appeared at the door. Lauren froze on the other side of the glass, certain that she’d been seen. Then she saw the sway in Ciara’s steps, the glass of wine being raised up to her featureless face. Ciara walked into the dark room, the long cord of her dressing gown trailing behind her. Lauren’s breath fogged up the glass when she breathed again, just as Ciara threw herself into the big armchair. She wasn’t turned to face Lauren, nor was she turned away from her. She was just looking straight ahead at the spot where the children probably played on the rug.
Lauren watched as Ciara took another sip of her wine, then hung her head over the back of the chair, stretching her graceful, pale neck.
Reaching out a cold hand, Lauren cupped her palm over the glass and left a damp fog there. She then pressed her middle finger in its center, leaving a perfect imprint on the glass. In a few moments, the fog would clear and take her mark away along with it. But Lauren would remember she’d been here.
September 21
Ciara’s doorbell was ringing, and she was hoping it might be Mishti, come to make up. But when Ciara opened the door, she cursed for not having looked through the peephole first. She wouldn’t have opened for Sean. Not in broad daylight, for anyone passing by to see.
“Ciara, we have some talking to do.”
He stepped up to the threshold and she tried blocking him. Finn came up behind her, and she reached for her son. She felt the urge to cover his eyes, like she didn’t want him to ever take a good look at Sean.
“Why are you here? I’ll talk to you later.”
“No, we need to talk now. This can’t wait a week.”
“What’s happened?”
“Can I at least come inside?”
He caught her looking over his shoulder and down the street, checking to see if their neighbors were around.
“This would be much easier if you just let me come in.”
As much as she wanted to push him out, she pulled him inside instead.
“Hi there, little buddy.” Sean smiled at Finn lingering around his mother’s legs.
“Do not speak to him.”
He looked up at her sharply, offended by the tone of her voice. “You are overreacting, Ciara. This is fine. We are neighbors. Why can’t we be friends too?”
“You would fool nobody with that spiel.”
Sweeping Finn off the floor, she hurried to the kitchen to make sure Lauren wasn’t in the garden. Once in there, she rolled down the blinds. Then she rushed to the sitting room to draw the curtains as well.
Sean remained in the foyer, looking around like he’d stepped into a museum. Photographs from Ciara and Gerry’s wedding and portraits of the children covered the walls. They were carefully arranged to produce a meaningful narrative.
Ciara returned to Sean, holding Finn close to her. “You really shouldn’t be here. Lauren could have seen you, anybody could have seen you walking up.”
“Don’t worry. I made sure the coast was clear.” He spoke in a put-on spooky voice that would have made her laugh a few weeks ago.
She didn’t appreciate how lightly he was taking this. “You don’t care if anyone sees you?”
Sean shrugged. “Would it really be the worst thing?”
“Lauren finding out would be the worst thing. Do you even hear yourself?”
“Lauren knows,” he said.
“No, she doesn’t. How could she possibly know?”
“I told her.”
“Sean, you didn’t.”
“I had to tell her; it was time. I couldn’t keep lying to her. Maybe you can lie to Gerry, but my relationship with Lauren is different.”
“And she let you just come over here for a chat?”
“She doesn’t know I’m here.”
“Why are you here, Sean? Have you come to end things now that she knows?”
“On the contrary, my darling. I’m looking at it as a new beginning.”
She waited for the punch line—it sounded like a joke. Sean was smiling too, but she soon realized he was deadly serious. “Excuse me? What new beginning?”
He stepped toward her, and she swung away. She positioned Finn away from him too. “You need to stand back.”
“Ciara, come fucking on, love.”
“And you need to watch your language around my son.”
“Okay, all right, I apologize. I’m sorry, Finn.”
“Sean, I think you should go. You’re going to upset him.”
He held up his hands in surrender and took a few steps back. “He’s fine. He doesn’t seem upset.”
“You’re going to stand in my house and claim to know my son better than I do?”
“Ciara, please stop this. I’m trying to have a conversation with you about our future.”
“What future? There is no future. You’re leaving now.”
She started for the door, but he didn’t budge. Finn clutched the sleeve of her top.
“No, Ciara, I’m not going anywhere until we’ve talked this out.”
“The only person you need to talk this out with is your girlfriend. What are you even doing here when you say she knows about us?”
“She knows about the affair. She doesn’t know it’s with you.”
Ciara’s arms sagged with relief. “Okay, if you haven’t told her about me, then you need to keep it that way.”
“I wanted to tell you my plan, before I told her.”
“Sean, you cannot tell her! It will ruin everything. I’m not going to beg you, but think about what this could do to my children, to your children. Lauren is not going to take it well. She hates me.”
“It’s the only way forward for us, Ciara.”
“There is no us. There never was. We had sex a few times.” She lowered her voice, even though Finn was right there in her arms and could hear everything.
“It’s been more than a few times, and Ciara, you know it’s more than just sex. We have gotten to know each other in these past months.”
Her back was pressed to the door. She clung to Finn as though he was the only one who could save her. “I have gotten to know my cleaning lady too. That doesn’t mean I’m planning a life with her.”
Sean smiled, even though she wasn’t trying to be funny.
“Can you put Finn down, Ciara?”
“No. I am not putting him down.”
“I want to kiss you.”
“That is not going to happen.”
With Sean watching her closely, Ciara put Finn down in the playpen. They stood apart in the kitchen.
“All we have to do, Ciara, is be honest with the people in our lives. Lauren, Gerry, the kids.”
“Honest about what? That the sex was good while it lasted?”
“Yes, the sex was good. It is good.”
“I have nothing to say to anyone.”
“Lauren can’t…she won’t stand in my way if I decide to leave her. It doesn’t mean I’ll be leaving the children. It could be the same for you and Gerry.”
“I told you before, Sean, I am not taking the kids away from him. They need their father.”
“Do you love him?”
“You can’t ask me that. There is no right answer. You, more than anyone else, should know how complicated the answer is. I know you have feelings for Lauren.”
It seemed to work. Sean appeared perturbed. He rubbed a hand over his face and neck, leaning a little to the side. It was like an invisible force was pushing his body to bend.
“Okay, yes, it is complicated. My feelings for Lauren are all over the place, but I know how I feel about you.”
All she felt for Sean now was embarrassment, and she wished he’d just stop.
“Once everyone finds out about us, we won’t have to hide. You’re worried about the children and Gerry because you think we’ll have to run away, live in hiding. But we won’t have to.”
“I’m worried about how delusional you are.”
She glanced at Finn, who surprisingly hadn’t made a peep yet. He was enthralled by the drama unfolding before his eyes. She wondered if her words were being processed in some corner of his growing brain. Would they echo in his life repeatedly? As a grown man, would he wake in a cold sweat with these words ringing in his ears? The sex was good. I know you have feelings for Lauren. Watch your language around my son.
“You’re saying I’ve imagined everything that’s happened between us?” Sean sounded hurt, and it didn’t suit him.
“You’ve imagined the feelings. Whatever it is you think was being said between the lines, I wasn’t saying it. I wanted to have sex with someone other than my husband. You happened to be right there, literally in my line of vision.”
She couldn’t quite remember his exact complexion anymore; his face appeared ashen now. “You’re not serious, Ciara. Do you know what you’re saying to me?”
“Of course I do, and I hope you’re hearing me. I don’t know how else to make myself clear. This is the end.”
“Fuck!” he shouted, then glared at Finn. “Fuck, I’m sorry. Damn it, Ciara! Put that kid somewhere else, will you?”
“This is his house. You’re the one who needs to go somewhere else.”
He looked about the room, panic-stricken, like he was searching for something to hold in his hands. For a moment, Ciara worried he was going to do more. “Gerry might come home any minute,” she said. It was the best she could come up with.
Sean looked at her again, dazed. “What?”
“I said, Gerry will be home soon. You need to go.”
“Maybe I’ll stay right here in that case. We can get him up to speed.”
“You need to go home and have a good long think about what you’re saying. Do you want to lose your children? It will happen. You keep this up, and Lauren is going to take those children away from you.”
“She won’t do that. She understands.”
“She understands why you need to sleep with me, of all people? I don’t think so, Sean.”
Finally, Finn cried out. She rushed to him. “Look, you’ve got to go. We’ll talk later.”
“You’re saying this is over?”
“Yes, that is what I’m saying, Sean. This is over. I never intended to carry on with you for this long. Things are getting out of hand.”
“You mean I’m falling in love with you, and you want me gone?” He sounded like a child who was sad about a holiday coming to an end.
“What you feel for me is not love. Listen to yourself, Sean. You have Lauren. You have Freya, Harry, and Willow.” She hoped that saying his children’s names would pull him out of it.
“My kids are—”
The doorbell rang before he could finish the sentence.
“Fuck!” They cursed together.
Ciara knew it wasn’t Gerry. He had no reason to ring the bell.
“Go in there. Just go. Shut the door and don’t make an f-ing sound.” With Finn in her arms, she shoved Sean roughly in the direction of the utility room with the washing machine. He didn’t protest as she slammed the door on him.
Then she took a deep breath and smoothed the top of her hair.
Ciara racked her brain for her latest online orders, hoping this was just a package being delivered.
When she opened the door and saw Lauren, she nearly slammed it shut again.
“Can I come in?” Lauren sounded determined.
She listened for any sounds coming from the kitchen but heard none. Sean had to have been more uneasy about this than she was, and it put a smile on her face. She decided he needed to hear whatever Lauren had to say.
“Fine, come in. I was about to put the kettle on,” she said, pulling the door wide open.
September 21
Ciara stepped aside to let Lauren into the foyer. Finn was perched on her hip, and she held him to her tightly—excessively so, thought Lauren, like he might fly away if she let go.
In all the years they’d been neighbors, Lauren had never been inside the Dunphy house, always hovering outside, peeping in when it was dark. It was spectacularly clean and pristine, just as she’d observed it to be. She was reminded of a model home for display purposes only, rather than a living, breathing home that housed two children under the age of five.
Ciara was leading her to the kitchen. “I suppose I’ll make some tea.”
“Well, okay.”
Lauren untied Willow from her back, and Ciara put Finn down. The children gravitated to each other, taking tiny unsteady steps, staring in silence, like caged animals being introduced to others of their species for the first time.
“This is going to be the only time in their lives when it’s perfectly acceptable to stand and stare at someone,” Ciara said.
“It’s sweet.”
“Yeah, I suppose it is. In a few years’ time, the world will have beaten that innocent curiosity out of them.”
“Isn’t it sad?”
“Extremely. The worst part is, they don’t even realize how good life is for them right now.”
Lauren caught herself smiling, but Ciara’s back was turned to her.
“I suppose I’m a bit confused, Lauren. What are you doing here?”
Ciara handed her a mug of tea. It was made using a tea bag that had barely been left to brew. When Lauren tasted it, she was reminded of the Earl Grey incense diffuser she’d once bought for the bathroom. It was a scent that didn’t belong there, leaving her with a strange taste in her mouth every time she went in for a shit.
“You can’t be that confused by it, Ciara. We’ve been locking horns for a while.”
“Exactly; this is nothing new. You haven’t knocked on my door before, no matter what’s been said between us. So why now?”
They both knew the answer to that, no matter how innocently Ciara asked it.
“I’m tired of battling it out with you,” Lauren replied. She wasn’t going to play the trope of the lunatic woman accusing her of sleeping with her man. Wouldn’t Ciara have just loved that.
Ciara licked her lip after sipping the tea. “Are we in battle, Lauren?”
“Are we not? It seems like you’ve gathered the troops.”
“I have done nothing of the sort. It’s not my fault that I have more friends than you do.” It sounded childish, but Ciara made a fair point.
“It’s not about how many friends you have.” Lauren could feel a pinching sensation behind her eyelids, making it difficult to keep them open. Whatever happened today, she couldn’t let Sean find out about this. She needed to remain focused. She needed to remember what was being said, the things she would have to do.
“Well, there is some strength in numbers. Maybe the reason why you feel you’re being attacked is because you’re alone.”
“I’m not alone. I have my family.”
Ciara smiled at her indulgently. “Of course, Sean and the kids.”
“Yes, them. I put my family first, before everyone and everything else. Maybe that’s not how you feel about yours.”
Ciara’s stare turned dull, as though she found this whole conversation tedious. “Well, I don’t want to be rude, but you are in my home. If you’ve come here to insult me, then I suggest you leave.”
“It seems to me that you have no respect for me, or really for anyone who doesn’t happen to worship you.”
“Believe me, Lauren, I can handle criticism. I have dealt with criticism all my life. It hasn’t been a bed of roses for me. Well, maybe it has, if you consider the thorns.”
“And that gives you the right to treat people however you want?”
“When have I ever mistreated you?”
Lauren knew there were thousands of instances, but her mind was hollow now.
Ciara nodded. “You can’t come up with one, because they don’t exist.”
“You’ve made it impossible for me to have friends in the neighborhood.”
“What other people think of you and your family is not on me. You’ve known these people a lot longer than I have. I’m not preaching to a congregation every week. When we all get together, we rarely ever talk about you and your family. There are far more interesting things to discuss. I wish, for your sake, that you would stop making it all about yourself.”
“I wish you wouldn’t bring my family into this.”
“That is not what I’m doing.”
“Just don’t mention them, especially the kids.” It was an invitation extended to Ciara to say something about how Sean was the one who was hurting the kids. She hoped to push Ciara to the brink where she’d have no choice but to admit she was responsible for Sean’s disloyalty.
Ciara stood leaning on the kitchen counter, with the edge digging into her hip. She didn’t seem to notice. The mug of tea shook in her hand, threatening to spill. Lauren focused on that, instead of on Ciara’s darkened and narrowed eyes.
“We’re not talking about the children, yours or mine,” Ciara said. “But speaking about kids in general, the advice you spout on the group chat is absolutely ridiculous. Giving advice based on some bogus studies. None of it has any scientific research to back it up.”
