The Rose Journal, page 1
Rose Journal Entries
Between Come Rain or Shine and When the Bough Breaks
Denise Grover Swank
Copyright © 2020 by Denise Grover Swank
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
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Contents
Note to Reader
Thursday, October 17
Sunday, October 20
Wednesday, October 23
Sunday, October 27
Wednesday, October 30
Tuesday, November 5
Monday, November 12
Thursday, November 15
Sunday, November 18
Monday, November 20
Tuesday, November 21
Wednesday, November 27
Thursday, November 28
Friday, November 29
Friday, December 6
Sunday, December 8
Monday, December 16
Sunday, January 20
Friday, February 7
Sunday, February 9
Tuesday, February 11
Friday, February 14
Saturday, February 15
Sunday, February 16
Wednesday, February 19
Thursday, February 20
Friday, February 21
Also by Denise Grover Swank
Also by Denise Grover Swank writing as D.G. Swank
Note to Reader
The Rose Journal Entries first appeared in Denise Grover Swank’s newsletter in periodic weekly installments between October 2019 and February 2020.
Thursday, October 17
Thursday, October 17
My sweet baby,
I love you with everything in me. I would give up my life to protect you, and if I’m not careful, I just might. You didn’t ask to come into this mess, and I’m doing my best to get us out of it.
My best friend Neely Kate gave me this journal to write letters to you, but I’ll warn you in advance that you’ll probably get more than you bargained for. Maybe I’ll edit parts out before I give it to you someday, or maybe—when you’re old enough—I’ll let you read the unvarnished truth about your mother. And the man who provided half of your DNA. And the man who I hope will raise you as his own. The realities of my own past were kept from me. It’s probably wrong to do the same to you.
A lot has happened over the last week. I lost two people who meant the world to me—your Aunt Violet and the man who helped create you. One to death and the other to his own stubborn pride. But it’s made me think about what makes a person good. I doubt most people think to themselves that they’re a bad person. I suspect they find ways to justify the bad things they do. They toe the line of right and wrong until they do it so many times that when they finally cross on over, they’ve excused that too. I suppose that’s what I’ve done. If you’d told me a year ago I’d be leading a gang of hardened criminals against a crime cartel from Texas, I’d have laughed until my sides hurt.
Yet here I am, doing that very thing.
But what I’m doing feels right. Or maybe I’m so deep in this mess I can’t see the daylight through the trees. I only know that you are the most important thing now, sweet baby, more important than any man, and I’ll do everything I can to keep you safe. Even if it means skirting the law…or flat out breaking it.
You will have many people who love you, my sweet baby. Me. Joe. Neely Kate. Jed. And many more. You’ll be surrounded by love, except for the one man who created half of you. There’s nothing I can do about that, and if he chooses not to be part of your life, then…
Part of me wants to tell you that you’ll be better for it, but that’s not entirely true, and I’ve sworn to myself that this journal will be the truth. Even when it’s ugly. Even if you think less of me.
The other half of you came from a complicated man who is doing the best he can in a world that has never been kind to him. He’s never known love except for from me, and I realize now that I spent too much time worrying about my own pride rather than telling him that I loved him to the depth of my soul. I worried professing my love would send him running, but I lost him anyway, so did it really make a difference in the end?
Once you are old enough to understand, you’ll hear many things about the man who helped create you, and I have little doubt that most of it will be harsh. There is no denying that most of it is likely true. Skeeter Malcolm is a hard man who lives in a harsh world, but James Malcolm, the man buried underneath the bluster, is capable of so much more. I can’t help but wonder if I’d shown him my love sooner, that I would have uncovered more of James, and convinced him that he was deserving of love. If James would have become stronger than Skeeter, and somehow, I’d have a life with him. And you. But the truth is, even when I was with him, I never let myself think that far ahead. I never gave myself the luxury of believing he could give me all the things I wanted. We both knew the limitations of our relationship going in—I wanted a family; he never wanted to be tied down—but now…sometimes I wonder if I did him a disservice by believing he was incapable of more.
I’ll forever be sorry that I didn’t try harder if for no other reason than because I do not doubt that if he let himself love you, he would be the most amazing father. Maybe he would have come around, or perhaps he wouldn’t, but you, sweet baby, deserve to be loved fiercely. Without hesitation. And so do I. And for better or worse, James Malcolm is incapable of loving us that way. But we’ll be okay, you and me. And if Joe changes his mind, we’ll still be okay too.
Just know that you will always come first, before everyone else. You and me until the end.
Love,
Your momma
Sunday, October 20
Sweet baby,
Carly’s gone.
How many times am I destined to lose people I love? Violet. James. Neely Kate is living with Jed. Last week I sent Joe to live in town to protect him from the criminals I’m dealing with, and now Carly is gone and I’m all alone.
Carly only lived with me for two months, but she spent the last month selflessly taking care of Violet. She became one of us. I promised I’d help her and keep her safe, but I couldn’t, so Jed got her a new identity and she’s gone on the run.
If I couldn’t keep her safe, how can I protect you?
Wednesday, October 23
Sweet baby,
You need a name, although I have no idea if you’re a boy or girl, so it has to be some sort of nickname until you have a real name. Bean? Sprout? What about Sweet Pea?
We’re twelve weeks now and thankfully I don’t feel like throwing up anymore. I still haven’t gained all the weight back that I lost, and I still don’t have a baby bump, but I don’t have a waist either. Thankfully, the weather’s cooler so I can get by with oversized shirts and leggings. You’re only as big as a lime but I can tell my body’s changing, which feels so weird. You’re inside me, growing and becoming an actual person, and I’m the person blessed with carrying and birthing you.
I feel like we lost so much time, which is silly when I think about it. I only found out you existed a little over a week ago, yet I already feel so close to you. I lie awake at night, thinking about what it will be like after you’re born. The farmhouse is big, almost too big for both of us, but I like being out in the country. It’s quiet—most of the time—and it’s far away from prying eyes and ears.
We’ve caused quite the scandal, you and me…and Joe. Joe and I are telling the world he’s your father. Some of the criminal element in Fenton County doesn’t quite believe it, but since Skeeter Malcolm’s all but declared me his enemy, they’re leaving it be. As for the God-fearing, law-abiding citizens of Fenton County, they’re buying it hook, line, and sinker. It helps that Joe lived with us since August, helping to keep you and me, Carly, and your Aunt Violet safe from some bad people. Most people have no idea he was sleeping in the study. Joe dated a woman who is still making things uncomfortable, but hopefully Deena will find something else to dwell on soon and leave us alone.
Joe may not be your biological father, but he’s jumped into being your daddy with both feet. He came out tonight to look over the house, already thinking about baby proofing. He was taking notes on what needs to be done to make the house safe for when you’re moving around and getting into things. I laughed and told him that you won’t be moving around the house for a good year or more so we have plenty of time, but the fear in his eyes told me all I needed to know. Joe’s scared. He wants you so badly, and he’s scared I’m going to take you from him. So I held his hand, looked up into his warm brown eyes, and told him we would all be okay. You. Me. And him. That we needed him, and I wasn’t going to change my mind. I’m sure I’ve already reassured him a half dozen times, and I’ll tell him a million more if I have to.
Joe is used to losing the things he loves too.
Joe and I had terrible parents. While my momma was cruel and my father uninterested, Joe’s parents were evil. His father manipulated him one way or the other his entire life, and all Joe wanted was to love and be loved. I loved him once, and part of me still does, but the man I fell in love with wasn’t real. He was the man Joe wanted to be, and in all honesty, I think part of him was the man he thought I wanted. But Joe McAllister—the man I knew him as when we met—was built on a house of cards that quickly fell d
Love is complicated and messy, just like people.
James Malcolm being the messiest of all.
I think about him too. What he’s doing. How he’s doing. He’s turned away everyone who cares about him and now he’s surrounded by people who don’t give two cents about him. He’s mixed up in something bad with some very bad people. What he’s doing has pitted us against each other and he called me his enemy, yet I know that’s not true. If I left my house right now and showed up at his doorstep, I know he’d take me in.
Part of me is so tempted. Yet one thing holds me back.
You.
He made me choose—you or him—yet he had to know it wouldn’t be a choice at all. So if I showed up at his door, he’d ask me if I was still pregnant, then likely slam the door in my face when I say yes.
And that’s when realize I’m a fool. Remember when I said all of us are desperate to be loved? I’m just as human as everyone else and some part of me wants more than anything for James to love me. To love you. But at what expense? My pride? My self-respect?
You?
When you read this when you are old enough to understand, I don’t want you to see him as your enemy too, sweet baby. In my heart, I have to wonder if he did this to save you from the people he’s dealing with. If he’s trying to protect us both.
And that’s the biggest irony of all.
When you love something set it free, and if it loves you, it will come back. But how long do I wait? How do I separate the truth from the lies? Because I know in my heart of hearts that he loves me. But does he love you too?
Do I bet our lives hoping he comes to his senses and comes back to us? And if he does, what about Joe?
I know Neely Kate thinks I asked Joe to be your father too soon. And I can see how she thinks so. Part of me wonders if she was right. Your Aunt Violet had just died—I’ll tell you more about her later—and I’d just lost James. He’d betrayed me in the worst possible way by asking me to do something I couldn’t do. Something that would take you from me. I was suffocating in grief, and remember how I told you that we all want to be loved? I never, ever, EVER want you to doubt that you are loved. So I gave you your first gift—hopefully the best gift I’ll ever give you—I gave you a father who will love you just as fiercely as I do, because you, sweet baby, deserve all the love the world.
So Joe is your father, and if James changes his mind, we’ll figure out how to fit him into this messy situation. Because if he wants to bring more love into your life, I’ll give that to you too.
Sunday, October 27
Sweet baby,
You’re going to have horses when you are born. They’re not our horses, but Margi has told me that she’ll teach us both how to ride and take care of them.
Let me back up a bit.
Margi Romano is the sister of a new veterinarian, Levi. She takes in rescue horses and doesn’t have enough space to house them. She’s been hounding me for a while to let her keep some here, but I’ve held her off until now. For one thing, I just couldn’t handle one more thing to deal with. Between my involvement with the criminal element, Violet dying, James, and everything else, it was just too much to think about. The second is much more serious and good reason for pause—I don’t quite trust her. Something seems off about her, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I have no idea what she could possibly want other than to house rescue horses as she claims, but I decided the best way to deal with a potential threat is to keep a close eye on it, and what better way to do it than to watch her on my own property?
Your Aunt Neely Kate and Uncle Jed think I’m crazy. They think I have enough to deal with without throwing this into the mix. Joe is flat out against it—not that I’m surprised. He’s always been overprotective of me. At first it was because he thought I was innocent and naïve. He’s more resigned to my independence now, not that he likes it. He knows I’m dealing with criminals as we prepare for the Hardshaw Group to advance into Fenton County. I’m not so innocent now.
I’m not sure what Margi is up to, but I’ve told her that she or her construction guys can only be here if Jed, Joe, or I’m here. To make sure she doesn’t try to sneak onto the property, I’m going to have some cameras installed outside the house and the barn to record anything suspicious. I’m not sure why I hadn’t considered putting them up sooner. Especially with everything else going on.
Jed and Joe hate that I’m out at the farmhouse alone. I keep telling them I’m not alone—I have Muffy. (You’re going to love Muffy, sweet baby. She’s a very special dog who will love you just as much as I do.) But after having a house full of people then going to just me and Muffy…well, truth be told, I’m lonely. So lonely. Part of me wants to beg Neely Kate to move back in, but I won’t. She’s so happy with Jed, and she deserves to be happy. I won’t steal that from her. I even considered asking Joe to move back out to the farm, but it’s not safe for him with me cavorting with the criminal elements of the county. When he moves out here, I want him to be able to stay as long as he wants.
He’s talking about moving out to the barn and building an apartment over the loft, but that was before I told Margi she could move the horses out here, so now I’m not sure where he’ll stay. Does he really want to build an apartment in the loft over a bunch of horse poop?
Maybe I should have thought of that first.
But still, I’m not sorry. I’ve gotten this far by learning to trust my instincts, and they tell me that Margi Romano’s up to something. I’m gonna be watching over her shoulder and catch her in the act.
Wednesday, October 30
You’re thirteen weeks now—three inches long and the size of a lemon. This is officially the last week of our first trimester, and it seems like we were barely in the first. Neely Kate was thirteen weeks when she lost her babies, so this week has been hard on her, even if she didn’t want to admit it. So this morning, I cornered her in the landscaping office and made her acknowledge her sadness.
“You know what’s the worst part about this, Rose?” she asked with tears in her eyes. “At least you have a grave where you can go visit Violet. I have nothing for my babies.”
I gasped. “Oh, Neely Kate. You’re right.”
Tears slid down her cheeks.
“So let’s give them a grave.”
She shook her head. “What are you talkin’ about?”
I reached out and grabbed her hand in mine. “Let’s give them a grave.”
Her throat bobbed as she swallowed. “I don’t have their bodies. The hospital took them.”
“We don’t need their bodies,” I said. “We only need the grave. Now we need to figure out where. We can put it on my farm if you like, under the oak tree by the barn. Or maybe you want to put it out at your house.”
Worry filled her eyes. “But they weren’t Jed’s babies.”
“But they were part of you, Neely Kate, which means they’re Jed’s babies too.”
She glanced down at her lap and nodded.
I stood and tugged her up with me. “Come on.”
“Where are we goin’? I’ve got to finish the Cooper design.”
“It can wait until tomorrow. Today we’re giving your babies a grave.”
I took her to the nursery I owned with your Aunt Violet (although your Aunt Violet gave her share to Neely Kate). We picked some flowers and bushes to plant as well as some landscaping stones, then we spent the rest of the afternoon finding the perfect spot—a spot next to the woods behind the house. We dug an oval and planted tulips and daffodils to bloom in the spring and some pansies and mums for fall. We planted hydrangeas behind the oval. Next we covered the oval and surrounded the plants with mulch, then enclosed it all with smooth oval stones.
