Why Good People Do Bad Things, page 16
Fear of scarcity is at the root of our greed. Fueled by our fear that there isn’t enough love, money, opportunities, or material possessions to go around, greed causes us to crave more and more. Fear of being poor, fear that our needs won’t be met, or fear of failing triggers our greed and drives us to make sure we get ours, no matter what the cost. Our healthy greed might motivate us to be successful, while an inbalance of greed will drive us to amass wealth simply to prove that we are worthwhile. When our greedy nature is out of balance and running our lives, we are perpetually hungry—for love, money, status, approval, possessions, and power.
Our greed is what seduces us into believing the illusion that satisfaction exists “out there” in the external world. We become a bottomless pit, believing we will be OK as soon as we get “enough.” Too much greed drives us to meet our own needs—emotional, sexual, financial, or otherwise—regardless of the effect our behaviors have on those around us. Greed tells us we will be OK as soon as we attain the next conquest. We insatiably consume more in an attempt to satisfy our hunger for things outside ourselves, even if this means breaking the law. Blinded to anything but our own needs, we allow our greed to lead us down a path of consumption that will bring about our own demise.
It takes a fair amount of self-examination to uncover where in our lives we have an imbalance of greed. We might be greedy for love, admiration, or attention. We might lust after being the smartest or the one with the most creative ideas. Our greed might show up around food, our need for fun, or even self-pity as we greedily seek the sympathy of others. Greed might manifest itself as possessiveness toward our friends, children, partners, or spouses.
Our greedy self, when out of balance, denies us the experience of living in a win-win universe as it seeks out ways to prevail—even if this means lying, cheating, or stealing. It can cost us our self-respect, our relationships, and inner peace. The cosmic joke is that as long as our greedy nature is left unchecked, we can never really experience satisfaction and fill our insatiable hunger, because we will always be seeking more, even just a few hours after we have fed it a big meal. When we fail to balance our ego’s greedy nature by being generous, we are destined to act out in inappropriate ways, trying to take everything for ourselves while disregarding the needs of others.
THE SPIRITUAL ANTIDOTE: GENEROSITY
When our greedy nature is balanced by generosity, we are grounded in our deepest truth. Whereas greed tells us there is not enough, generosity asserts that there is enough for us all—an abundance of love, money, and success. When we are out of balance and cut off from our loving hearts and generous nature, we grasp for everything we can get our hands on—power, attention, love—even if it rightfully belongs to someone else. Our greedy tendencies are always asking, “What do you have for me?” while our generous nature asks, “What can I do for you?” When we balance our greedy selves with the good-heartedness of generosity, we are blessed with the ability to ask for what we deserve and to trust that there is enough for us all. Being generous—with our attention, with our kindness, with our talents, with our money—is a demonstration of our faith that there is enough for everyone, and in this state of faith, our cup runneth over.
Although being generous can involve the giving of financial wealth, food, clothing, gifts, and other goods, I’m going to assert that this is only part of the picture of generosity. Being generous doesn’t mean we have to give large amounts of money. It doesn’t mean we have to shower those around us with gifts and trinkets. Generosity encompasses a whole range of intangibles as well. Being generous means listening more attentively to others rather than greedily searching for opportunities to insert our beliefs and opinions into the conversation. When we are generous enough to take an interest in the thoughts, feelings, and activities of another, we leave our own self-interests behind and are actually able to hear the needs of those we love.
True generosity begins in the privacy of our own inner world; like everything else, it must begin at home. When we are generous with ourselves, we feel that we’re worthy and valued. And when we feel worthy and valued, we automatically attract more of the good of the universe into our lives. When we’re connected with the inherent generosity of the universe, our hearts are naturally more open and we feel safe to give and to receive. In this way, cultivating self-generosity supports us in understanding how to be more authentically generous with family members, friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike.
Generosity is the spiritual antidote that has the power to offset and balance our greedy nature. The good news about generosity is that it doesn’t create any loss or lack for the giver. True generosity—anything that is given from the heart without attachment—is inevitably returned to the giver in kind. Generosity is an energetic transaction with the universe that will be repaid to us—most times, with interest. Openhearted giving works hand in hand with faith and gratitude as we learn that if we give, we will also receive. It arises naturally when we are connected with our higher selves.
Signpost No. 3: Arrogance
Our arrogant nature may disguise itself as grandiosity or enormous self-confidence, but in actuality it is rooted in inadequacy, insecurity, and fear. Arrogance is an expression of our obsession to be bigger, smarter, greater, and more important than other people in order to compensate for what we believe we lack. Because we feel so small and insignificant, we need to puff ourselves up in order to prove that we are, in fact, special. Trying to overcompensate for the fear that we are not good enough, we adopt a holier-than-thou attitude and may actually begin to believe we are better than those around us. Although arrogance may drive us to be more informed, more connected, and more successful, its motivation is to hide our weaknesses and exaggerate our strengths. Arrogance provides the perfect front, enabling us to be manipulative, irresponsible, controlling, and a rule breaker—just to name a few. It has us look down with condescension on those we have deemed less than we are. Arrogance leads us to believe we are above reproach and the rules do not apply to us. All dressed up in justifications and righteousness, our ego’s arrogant tendencies seduce us into thinking we can do whatever we want and we won’t be questioned or caught. Arrogance appears in our lives wearing many disguises. It shows itself in all the judgments we hold against others, it rears its head in our self-righteous bantering, and it keeps us loyal to what we believe to be the truth even when there is evidence to the contrary right before our eyes.
To uncover where and how our arrogance shows up, all we need to do is examine our judgments and projections. It is arrogant to judge others and think of ourselves as more evolved than they are. Anytime we find ourselves being affected by other people’s behavior and thinking thoughts like, They are stupid morons! or Why can’t they just get it?! this should be a red flag that we are projecting onto them some unwanted aspect of ourselves and that our arrogance is acting as a defense mechanism to keep us from seeing something about ourselves that we don’t want to see. Whenever we are pointing our finger in self-righteousness, whenever we are sure that someone else is falling short of their potential, we must turn our gaze back upon ourselves. This requires the utmost of humility.
Arrogance without the spiritual antidote of humility leads to an impenetrable mind-set that cuts us off from honest self-evaluation and the ability to recognize our dark impulses, destructive tendencies, and what are—and are not—permissible behaviors. When acting on its own, our arrogant self shuts out any feedback from our higher self and from the outside world. When arrogance is dominating our awareness, we find ourselves moving with great confidence and at full speed—only in the wrong direction. Too sure of ourselves to consider another’s point of view and too proud to ask for help when we need it, we allow arrogance to become the culprit that leads to many a downfall. All puffed up in full regalia, we feel for a moment that we are bigger than life. But as you know, the bigger we are, the harder we fall.
Believing that it knows best, our arrogant self can be spotted by its boasting, bullying, and defying the law. “I did it because I could” is the voice of our arrogance. A dose of humility is precisely what is needed to temper our arrogant nature and remind us that we are just one of 6 billion people on the planet and that the rules do apply to us as well. Humility balances arrogance and puts it in its place.
THE SPIRITUAL ANTIDOTE: HUMILITY
When we tap into our humble nature, we have a peaceful awareness of our place within the greater whole. Through humble eyes we are able to see the good intentions of others and celebrate—rather than compare and condemn—our differences. Humility makes us teachable and open to feedback, and it strengthens our ability to truly listen to ourselves and to others. It allows us to be open to not knowing and detached from the outcomes we once clung to for our sense of security. Humility gives us both the willingness to change and the vision to make the changes we need to make. Stripped of the false cloak of arrogance, we are humble enough to see ourselves as we are, and only then can we begin to envision the person we are capable of becoming.
With humility, our once rigid identity becomes more flexible, so we are no longer compelled to force ourselves and our views on others. Humility allows us to conserve the valuable energetic resources that we squander when we spend our time proving that we are superior to others. It frees us from the prison of competitively trying to one-up others and instead gives us permission to celebrate their accomplishments and differences.
Stripped of our arrogance, our justifications, and our righteousness, we can stand in the clear light of day without the shield of our false pride.
The humble part of us understands that we are no better or worse than anyone else. It understands that under different circumstances we could each be capable of exactly the things that we most want to judge others for doing. By cultivating humility, we learn to keep our attention on ourselves rather than spending our time focusing on the behaviors of others. True humility gives us the wisdom to avoid the trap of projecting our darkness onto others and allows us to be aware and accepting of our own imperfections and insecurities.
Humility allows us to embrace our perfections and our flaws with equal reverence. Until we are humble enough to admit that we have the same impulses as everyone else, and until we are at peace with all of our humanity—the dark as well as the light—we will continue to get blindsided by the arrogance of our wounded ego and create circumstances that devastate our lives. We will continue to manifest the very things we work so hard to avoid.
With the spiritual antidote of humility, we are able to let go of all that we do to prove ourselves to others. We are able to ask for help when needed. Our humble self doesn’t waste a lot of energy resisting when things don’t go our way, because it assumes that there is a grander order at work. With humility we give up the idea that we know what’s best for ourselves. Humility frees us from the trap of getting caught up in our righteousness and judgments of others and allows us to merge with the collective whole. Humility invites us to keep our attention on ourselves and “change the things we can,” instead of arrogantly trying to manage others’ lives. In times of pain or confusion, humility allows us to drop to our hands and knees and ask for the support that we desperately need.
When our arrogant self is tempered by humility, we no longer have to participate in unnecessary boasting to prove our worth over and over to those around us. Instead we are free to live a simpler life, to focus on taking responsibility and maintaining integrity in our actions. We can humbly and honestly acknowledge our mistakes without the burden of shame, and use them for the wisdom and learning they can provide. The moment we open up to the vastness of who we are, we are awed and naturally become humble. Humility is a natural expression of our whole self because it allows us to see that although we are brilliant, fantastic, and loving, we can also be liars, cheaters, and incompetent. It allows us to be gentle and loving with ourselves regardless of what the circumstances of our external lives may be reflecting. Humility gives us the freedom to live authentically and stand with our higher power as we share our gifts with the world.
Signpost No. 4: Intolerance
It is the fear of our own flaws and the shame of our past experiences that make us intolerant of others. We are intolerant of those who reflect parts of ourselves that repel or frighten us. Intolerance has us harshly judge those who are different from us because we fear that accepting them will result in the admission of our own weaknesses. Superiority is the face of our intolerance, and this is its voice: “I am better than you, superior to you—in other words, more right than you.” Feeling small and inadequate, we mistakenly believe that if we can somehow ignore these feelings and focus on other people’s flaws, no one will find out the truth about who we are. Feeling imperfect or damaged, our wounded ego tries desperately to make itself bigger than it is by cutting others down, and it feeds on the sensation of righteousness that being intolerant provides. Left unchecked, the wounded ego will eventually construct an impenetrable fortress of righteous intolerance built on the condemnation and disdain we feel toward ourselves and others.
The intolerance we feel toward others is always a reflection of how intolerant we are of ourselves. Whenever we judge, hate, humiliate, or ostracize another, it is always because we fear being judged, humiliated, rejected, or stigmatized ourselves. If we were to give voice to what lies deeper than our intolerant thoughts and feelings, we would have to truthfully say, “Most of all, I fear being less than you.”
Intolerance of ourselves or others without the balance of compassion turns into self-righteous rigidity, which cuts us off from our hearts and our conscience. It is one of the signposts for disaster because it breeds separateness, bigotry, and hate crimes. Intolerance in its most brutal form wants everything its way and will seek to eliminate anything that is different. Intolerance drives away loved ones, friends, and other important people, depriving us of companionship, connection, and love. Without our realizing it, our condemnation of others condemns us to a life of anger, bitterness, intolerance, and, very often, lonely desolation.
When our intolerant self is allowed to run rampant without the balance of compassion, it is just a matter of time before we end up wounding the very people we love the most. Believing that our view is the right view, we march forward oblivious to the feelings of others as we pass judgment on them.
Intolerance runs rampant in our society and shows itself in a myriad of ways. Criticizing and condemning the lifestyles of others is one expression of our intolerance. Impatience with the elderly or our children is a display of intolerance. Intolerance shows up in the act of cursing another driver on the road or feeling hatred for someone based on their sexual preference or political views. Condemning people for their religious beliefs—or lack thereof—is an all-too-common face of intolerance.
When we’re being intolerant, we’re presuming that we know what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s bad, what’s useful and what’s not useful in any given situation—even if we have only limited information on which to base our opinions. This is a red flag! In the assumption that we know what’s right, intolerance closes us off from seeing things in new ways, from going beyond the limitations of our past, and from finding new, more resourceful ways of relating to others. To the extent that we find ourselves being intolerant of people, ideas, and situations, we guarantee that our own lives will not change for the better. For when we take the adamant, resistive stance of intolerance, we are unable to step into any new thought, belief, or course of action that might threaten our righteous position and thus the status quo.
THE SPIRITUAL ANTIDOTE: COMPASSION
Our compassionate nature softens our intolerance with love and understanding, bringing into being the perfect balance. Compassion gifts us with patience, spaciousness, acceptance, tolerance, and love. When we are compassionate, our hearts feel big enough to accept others for who they are, including all their flaws. Compassion helps us recognize and come to terms with the fact that we, too, have flaws, make mistakes, and are at times confused, misguided, and uncertain. It allows us to see that it is our flaws and imperfections that give us our depth and our uniqueness. It allows us to look in the mirror and see our real beauty, even in the midst of our wounded ego’s judgments and criticisms. Compassion gives us empathy and the license to be 100 percent ourselves. Through the spiritual eyes of compassion, we see ourselves as a precious child of this divine universe.
When our intolerance is balanced with compassion, we trust that every experience holds some wisdom and meaning, and we begin to view the painful incidents of our lives as opportunities to grow and discover a greater expression of ourselves. We can accept seemingly senseless events as being part of something of purpose, and we can find the beauty that is hidden from us when we are looking only through our limited individual perspective. Only when we temper our intolerance with compassion can we make peace with the person we’ve been and open up to the vastness of the person we can become.
Compassion is the antidote for our intolerance of others because it enables us to walk in another’s shoes and imagine what it must be like to see life through their eyes. To invoke the spiritual antidote of compassion, we need only to breathe into our heart and say, “Let me see this situation from a broader perspective. Let me understand how this person or experience can serve the greater whole. Open me to the pain of another’s heart.” In the universal connection that compassion brings, we understand the pain and woundedness of others, so we’re able to forgive those who have harmed us and are less tempted to take others’ bad behavior personally. By enabling us to connect with the universal condition of human pain and suffering, compassion dissolves the illusion of separateness that keeps us in a perpetual role of victim or victimizer. With compassion we can move beyond the confines of our own resistance, beyond the shame and judgment that render us intolerant, and into the fullness of our true being. Compassion allows us to understand that, as citizens of the planet, we’re all in this together and that in order to ensure our survival we must hold and cultivate a new and larger vision of what’s possible for ourselves and for the human race as a whole.
