To Be Loved by You, page 13
The hair he’d been longing to lose his hands in was pulled back in a low, loose ponytail that spilled over her shoulders. Her sleeveless light-blue tank with its interweaving back straps highlighted the fine muscles in her back and shoulders as she held the arched pose, her belly against the mat. Her legs were extended behind her, and her skintight leggings hugged the hips he’d been yearning to lock his hands around this last week. It didn’t help that she’d planted herself in front of the garden entrance and was surrounded by a sea of flowering vines and plants, looking once more like a deity for his carnal desires.
He couldn’t escape the feeling that being with Ava would be like taking a leap between high rises without a safety net below him. He carried a handful of physical scars from his father’s abuse—on his brow, an arm, and a handful on his chest. They were scant in comparison to the emotional ones he’d done his best to leave behind but had ended up burying under a pile of distraction as he spent a career focused on other people’s healing. If things were going to progress between them—something he suspected Ava wanted as much as some undeniable part of him did—he was going to have to come clean with his fears about what this would do to any relationship they aimed for. Yet, he couldn’t imagine that going well. “Hey, Ava, the thing is, I’m a little—a lot—terrified that a relationship with you will awaken the sleeping dragon of shadows I’ll never be free of,” was probably not something she was ready to deal with.
After the group worked their way up to standing on their mats again, he overheard Edith saying to Eleanor that she’d not felt a stretch that good in her lower back in twenty years. “Remember that one,” she added. “I could do it in bed and not have to spend ten minutes picking myself up off the floor.”
Jeremy chuckled quietly to himself as, at Ava’s instruction, he folded in half at the waist with his legs straight underneath him, allowing his head to hang loose in front of his knees while cupping his calves. His quads and lower back immediately began to thank him. This yoga thing clearly had its merits.
Ava’s smooth, strong voice and calm, steady presence no doubt helped the kids relax into the experience. They’d broken into laughter a few times as they moved through the poses, but she’d reined them back in fairly easily. She was guiding them into a lunge that was part of the warrior II pose when one of the boys in back let one rip. It was loud enough that most of the kids lost focus and began to laugh and fan their noses.
Ava didn’t miss a beat. “The best warriors are never heard and certainly never smelt,” she said and added, “Though that’s a sign of release, too, I’ll give you that.”
A couple of the kids started tossing around one-liners about how they could beat each other in a game of release, while those nearest William fanned their noses.
Jeremy reminded them that they owed it to Ava to give her their best attempt at full attention. After taking a few seconds to collect themselves, the kids settled back into the pose, though a few shoulders continued to shake in laughter.
Having heard the commotion, Rolo burst out of the garden, tail wagging while he paused underneath the archway at the entrance. After a quick glance at Jeremy, he trotted over to check out a few of the kids before meandering back to Ava’s mat and stretching out as she led everyone into a new pose. Jeremy had to hand it to his dog; Rolo was good at figuring out where he’d be the center of attention.
“Maybe he’ll join us in a short savasana,” she said with a glance at Jeremy. Moving over to share her mat, she guided the kids back onto theirs. Space hog that he was, Rolo rolled onto his back, his feet in the air as he wriggled back and forth, itching his spine. “Looks like he’s ready,” she added with a laugh.
“What’s savasana?” Hailey asked, stretching out her legs and pointing her toes.
“It’s one of the best poses in the world for feeling better if you’re stressed, and it’s how almost every yoga practice comes to a close.” Ava paused to look over the class, and Jeremy could feel the energy in the air start to slow down. “Let’s start to become aware of our breathing once again. Remember the mantra we talked about earlier: ‘I breathe in, I breathe out.’ That’ll get you there.”
Jeremy watched as the kids glanced around, no doubt wanting to make sure they weren’t the only ones listening. From the middle row behind him, Jeremy heard Sammy mumble, “I breathe in, I breathe out” and smiled to himself. This could really work.
“Savasana is a pose of trust.” Ava’s tone was one of perfect calm. “We’ve built that with one another over the course of our practice tonight. We can settle into the pose and trust that we’ll have this time not to be disturbed.”
Ava patted the end of her mat to get Rolo out of the way after he stretched out.
Seeing that his dog was intent on outcompeting Ava for her mat space, Jeremy whistled. Rolo stood up with a grunt and trotted his way.
“Some say savasana is the easiest pose to perform and the most difficult to master. But when done right, the pose is a simple gift you can give yourself.” She stretched out on her mat and lay back. “So, give yourself the gift of this moment and settle back onto your mats, stretch your legs out, and spread your arms at your sides, palms facing up. Your only job is to rest in this pose of relaxation.”
As Rolo sprawled out alongside him, Jeremy closed his eyes. He could listen to Ava talk all night; that voice of hers was hypnotic. He wouldn’t have guessed it to be likely, but he grew relaxed enough to experience the gradual rise and fall of his lungs and the slight buzz of energy in his hands and feet that he only noticed when his world was very still.
“Feel the weight of your body being supported by the ground.” Ava sounded far away.
Jeremy focused his attention even more inward and experienced the weight of his calves, thighs, and back against the mat as the late-evening air brushed over his skin with just the right amount of coolness where it met beads of sweat that had risen to the surface. With his eyes closed, Jeremy sensed the warmth, soft sounds, and familiar smell of his dog beside him in a more heightened way, and a smile brushed his lips.
He wasn’t sure how long had passed before Ava began bringing everyone back from their rest in a way that made it seem as if they had all night to gather their energy.
When Jeremy pushed up to a sitting position, she was already seated on her mat in easy pose, her legs folded and her back straight. Behind her, the sun was setting, and the sky was streaked with gold, orange, and red.
“I’m so thankful to each and every one of you for giving yoga a try tonight,” she said.
A small chorus of thank-yous and a couple of yawns circled the group.
“Dude, I feel like I could sleep right here.” Nolan stretched back on his mat again, looking more relaxed than Jeremy had ever seen him. Considering he’d been subject to considerable physical abuse from a heavy-handed father just as Jeremy had been, Jeremy appreciated the significance of his comment.
Ava ran her fingers absentmindedly through her ponytail and nodded at Nolan. “That means you did exactly what you were supposed to do in savasana. Many of us don’t give our bodies the sleep they require. When we start really listening the way we learn to do in yoga, we’ll hear them telling us what they need.”
Jeremy was about to thank her when Sammy spoke up. “Maybe I’m backward then, because those couple minutes right there were the first time I didn’t hear the voice in my head judging everything I do.”
Ava smiled sympathetically. “I have one of those voices, too, and yoga is a great way to quiet it down.”
“I have one too,” Jeremy added.
Sammy looked at him, her eyes widening in surprise. “What does it tell you?”
“Different things at different times. Most recently it’s been warning me that if I step out of my comfort zone, the footing I’m standing on won’t be as solid.”
“Is it your voice? Or someone else’s?”
“That answer is pretty complicated,” he said with a sympathetic smile. “We’ll get to it in group sessions soon, but the voices in our heads are most often a form of self-protection, though not always a very helpful one.”
“How come you have one, then, if you do all this?” Hailey asked.
Jeremy let out a breath. “Well, mine formed when I was a kid. My father beat me, and my mother spent half the time pretending she didn’t see it and the other half attempting to convince me boys would be boys.” It was more than he’d planned on saying in front of Ava, but this had morphed into a teaching moment that his kids could benefit from.
“Mine tells me I should take my aunt’s car and keep driving until I get to a place where nobody knows me,” Nolan said, fidgeting with a blade of grass, a forced playful look on his face despite the sincerity seeping into his tone.
“When I have these kinds of thoughts, ones that may not be in my best interest, I’ve found it’s helpful to ask myself what I have to gain by listening to it, and what I have to lose,” Jeremy said. “It might not make the thoughts stop coming, but it will help you deal with them better. Like I said, they don’t always serve our best interest.”
“How can you tell?” Sammy asked.
Jeremy nodded at Ava, who was watching attentively. “Well, that’s what I’m hoping you’ll find here. Getting quiet is certainly one way.”
“Mine gets quiet when I eat chocolate,” Edith said with a giggle.
After the kids’ laughter died down, Jeremy gave Ava a nod to continue, and she leaned over to swipe a book from the grass at the side of her mat. “I mentioned earlier that I end every class with a quote from a book or article I’ve run across. I hope you’ll find today’s closing quote to be pretty apropos.” She looked up at the kids after flipping to one of several marked pages. “I’m betting some of you have heard this one, but it never hurts to hear it again.” Ava lifted up the book and waited until she had all the kids’ attention. “‘What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.’” She looked up and smiled at their murmurs of appreciation.
As the kids began to slip back on their socks and shoes, Jeremy took a minute to collect himself, taking in this unexpected synchronicity. He dragged his hand along Rolo’s dense fur. His sponsor had said that quote to him a dozen times those first months he was sober and working to make it through another day.
When the kids began to ask about petting the dogs before their parents came, Jeremy gave Rolo one more pat and stood up. Frightening as it might be, there was no denying that he wanted to give this thing with Ava a shot. More than anything in a long time. And if he took the advice he dished out to his kids, he’d get out of his own way and give it a chance.
Chapter 14
It turned out the labradoodle liked chasing balls even more than he liked running. By the time the foster dogs were back in their kennels after a romp in the yard while the kids tossed around as many possible names as they did balls to the labradoodle, and the kids had all gone home with their parents, Jeremy had lost track of Ava and Rolo. She’d been in the kitchen when he last saw her, snipping tags off the remaining toys she’d brought.
Assuming she’d found her way upstairs with Edith and Eleanor, he jogged up the front staircase leading to their front door and rapped a few times. “Knock knock,” he said, opening it to spy Edith setting the table for their late dinner. “Smells great. What is it, aside from zucchini fritters?”
Edith and Eleanor both loved to cook and alternated nights, and they had very different go-to recipes. Edith was a fan of traditional English dinners like Yorkshire pudding and shepherd’s pie, especially in the winter months, while Eleanor was a bit more progressive in her cooking.
“Eleanor wanted to try those new veggie burgers everyone’s raving about. The ones that taste like meat, though I can’t fathom how they’ll taste as good as the real thing.”
“Oh yeah? I can tell a difference, but they’re good.”
“Tonight was lovely,” she added. “Much like Ava.”
“It was a good class,” he said, and based on the second part of her comment, added, “I’m guessing she’s not up here?”
“No, I thought she was downstairs with you.”
“Nope.” He walked to the front window and spotted her bright-blue Jeep still parked a few houses down. “She’s probably out back then. I’ll grab her and we’ll be up in a few minutes.”
As he jogged downstairs alone, it occurred to him that even his loyal dog had abandoned him to hang out with Ava. And Rolo was always underfoot. He headed out through the back, noticing how the labradoodle stirred from slumber as Jeremy walked through the room. It wasn’t going to take much socialization for him to really start bonding with humans.
Outside, the horizon was still visible while the sky overhead had darkened to a cobalt blue, and the first few stars and planets were shining as the warmth of the afternoon dissipated, promising a cool evening ahead. As he crossed to the edge of the patio, a movement in the garden caught his eye.
Thanks to the streetlights out front, he could make out Ava in the thick of the vegetables near the green bean plants, her dark hair spilling over her bare shoulders. Jeremy’s mouth went dry as he headed over. He spotted her slip-on sandals at the foot of the garden and realized she was still barefoot, filling him with surprise until he thought of her upbringing in the country.
He coughed once as he neared, more out of warning than need. Rolo bounded out of the garden, dashing over to greet him.
“Hey there.” She met him at the entrance, a sheepish smile lighting her face. “You’re probably wondering why I’m hanging out in your garden in the dark.”
“Not at all, but feel free to share, if you’d like.”
She laughed lightly. “This big garden got me thinking about my grandma. She likes to walk through hers at night. She swears you can hear the plants growing.”
“And could you?” He scanned the garden until the image of the two of them tangled in sheets dissipated.
“No, but it made me a little homesick. I haven’t been spending enough time with my grandparents—you know, while they’re healthy and here and all that.” Standing on the entry paver, she used her pointed toe to maneuver her sandals into position. As she slipped them on, she came unbalanced enough that, for a second, she grasped his arm to steady herself. Jeremy flexed his fingers to quiet the itch to lock his hand over the small of her back in return.
He wasn’t ready to admit to her that, aside from his uncle, Jeremy’s family hadn’t been one to generate much, if any, nostalgia in him. “At least you’re thinking that now while you can make a change,” he said instead as she stepped onto the grass.
She nudged him with her elbow as they started crossing the yard. “Your kids were great. Terrific actually. You’re amazing with them.”
“Thanks, but you’re the one who accomplished a small miracle tonight. After they relaxed a bit, they did so much better than I even had hoped.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure this setting deserves half the credit.” She waved a hand around the darkened yard, lit by the soft glow of lights above the pergola. “Oh! Before I forget, please tell me you have a key to that.” She pointed at the old carriage house thirty feet from the garden.
“Edith and Eleanor do. Why?”
“When Rolo and I were in the garden, I’d almost swear I saw a cat slipping in through that broken window on the side. I guess it could’ve been a raccoon, but earlier I saw a cat out front. Regardless of what it is, if something’s in there, I’d hate for it to get hurt by glass shards going in and out. I thought maybe you could prop open the door.”
“Yeah, sure. I didn’t realize a window was broken. I bet it was that storm midweek.” He pulled out his phone and dialed Eleanor, who was a safer bet to have her phone with her than Edith. When she answered on the third ring, he said, “Hey, how about tossing me the key to the carriage house?”
She agreed without asking questions, and Jeremy hung up. After having meandered off to sniff something, Rolo returned and walked alongside them as they headed toward the patio.
“How long did you say you’ve had him? Four years?”
“Ah, five now actually.” Jeremy touched Ava’s arm as they neared the patio. “Eleanor will toss it down.”
The breeze was just strong enough that he caught the hint of vanilla and citrus wafting off her, leaving him with no doubt of the pleasure he’d find in tasting her skin. Come off it, man.
Overhead, the door to the small side balcony creaked open, and Eleanor peered out from the threshold. “Catch.”
Jeremy caught the keys and sifted through them until he spotted the one marked for the vacant garage. “Ava spotted a broken windowpane in the garage next door. I’ll see about getting someone out to repair it tomorrow.”
“That’s a shame. Those carriage house windows are original. Well, be up in about ten if you can.”
Rolo kept close to Jeremy’s heels this time as they headed back across the yard, and he could feel his dog’s breath brushing against one hand.
“Do they eat so late every night?” Ava asked.
“I’d like to say no, but they keep the schedule of teens, right down to sleeping in late. Walking to a little grocery store near the park, working in the garden, and deciding what to make for dinner make up most of their day.”
“They’re cool…and, after seeing them on the mat tonight, I must say impressively agile for their age.”
Jeremy agreed with her as they reached the single-door entrance facing into the yard. He needed to fiddle with the key to break through a thin layer of rust that had been building inside the lock.
“When do you think this was built?” she asked.
