Logan's Flame, page 14
“I swear I didn’t mean to hurt him. Now, he’s gone. He just took off and I can’t even talk to him and even begin to try to explain.”
“I can’t say as I blame him for taking off, Sera. That was a bitch move.”
“Gee, thanks, Alex.”
“She has a point, Sera. But I think you’re missing the bigger picture here.”
“Being what, Val?”
“Seraphina Mathias, for someone so completely entrenched in the world of romance, you are completely oblivious to the romance that is happening right on your doorstep. Honey, he’s in love with you.”
“What?!?”
“What she said.” Alex nodded her head towards Val then picked up her drink and knocked back the last of the ice-cold liquid in her glass.
“But…”
“Sera,” Val spoke softly as she tried to make her point, “he’s been in love with you for years. It’s so obvious – or at least it is to me.”
“Me, too!”
“It’s obvious in the way he watches you, the way he always looks out for you. Honey, he loves you, but it’s more than friendship, it’s more than caring for his best friend’s little sister. It’s because he fell for you. And, Sera, he fell a long time ago. He’s watched. He’s waited. He’s wanted. He’s had little hearts in his eyes for years and every time you’re around him he gets this dreamy look on his face.”
“I, well, damn. I had no idea. He…oh! Oh, my God! Why didn’t you guys say something if it was so damn obvious? It makes sense now. Some of the things he said to me? I just didn’t understand what he meant. He never came out and said he was in love with me, and I was so caught up in how he was making me feel that I just…” Her hand flew to her mouth and her eyes widened in horror as the reality of what she’d done settled in the pit of her stomach. “Oh, no! I didn’t just piss him off by telling our story. Damn it! I broke his heart! What am I going to do?”
“Well, that brings up a big question, now, doesn’t it?”
Sera turned to Alex. “And what question is that?”
“How do you feel about Logan? Are you in love with him? Or are you in lust?”
“I…” At a loss for words, she paused. “I just…damn it! Everything happened so fast!”
“Did it really happen fast, Sera? Because looking in from the outside it seems to me that this has been coming for a long damn time. The two of you have always been close – almost from the minute you met. And whether you realize it or not, the two of you have been flirting with each other for years! Am I right, Val?” Grinning as she took a sip of her margarita, Val acknowledged the truth in Alex’s words. “The things you’ve said to each other, the glances, the little touches, the body language. I’ve just been sitting over here waiting for those sparks to catch flame. It was a relief to me when you two finally started banging. I swear if it had gone on much longer, I was going to combust just from the heat that you two gave off.”
Val laughed and nodded her head in agreement with Alex, “She’s right, Sera. A bit crass, but right. Listen, how you feel about him is going to determine how you handle things going forward. Whether you’re in love with him or just looking for someone to warm your bed, you need to make it clear to him what you’re looking for. It isn’t fair for him not to know where you stand. Once you’ve figured out what’s in your heart and shared that with him, then it will be on him to decide what he wants to do. And until you can lay everything at his door, it may be best for you to keep your distance.”
“I get that, Val, I really do.”
“But?”
“I don’t know.”
“Exactly. And that’s the problem here. You don’t know. For fuck’s sake, figure it out, Sera.”
“Alex!”
“No. She’s right, Val.” Drink in hand Sera walked over to her living room window and gazed out at the stars as they twinkled, offering relief to the darkness of the night. “I need to figure it out.”
“Stop. Just stop. I do NOT want to know details!”
“Why would I tell you details, Jax? I don’t want anyone to know those details and that’s part, not all, but part of the reason I left like I did! What she wrote should have been kept between the two of us!”
Logan had stayed another night in Telluride and then had decided to stop to visit with his friends on his way home. He’d turned his phone back on to text Ryder to meet him at Jax’s place and had been met with notification after notification of texts, calls, and voicemail messages from Sera. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to read or listen to them, though. He simply wasn’t ready.
He’d taken that hike the day before and had traversed the mountain trail at a leisurely pace. He stopped to take pictures at the overlooks, the views breathtaking, and he wandered the meandering banks of a stream that flowed quickly down the mountain from the rushing waterfall.
And as he’d taken that time for himself, he not only enjoyed the visuals but had rejoiced in the peaceful quiet that had surrounded him. Nature had been his only companion and he delighted in the sounds of bird calls, chipmunk chatter, and scuttling of various other small animals as they rustled through the foliage of the dense forest. The time alone had helped him examine his feelings and gave him the opportunity to consider how he wanted to handle things with Sera.
Then he returned to his room, filled up the deep garden tub he had discovered in his bathroom, and turned on the massaging jets. It had been just the relaxation that he needed. Then he’d ordered food for delivery and, with a full belly, had stretched out on the comfy bed and fallen asleep instantly.
Now he sat with his friends around the fire pit in Jax’s back yard, beer in hand, as the flames crackled and popped with each shift of burning wood. They listened intently as he filled them in on his sudden and unexpected disappearance.
“I don’t understand why she would do that. It’s one thing for her to write her stories and make shit up, but quite another for her to give personal details like that.”
“Do you think that she’s done that with her other books? Put her sex life in those stories?”
“Damn it!”
“Ryder, if you don’t stop putting those thoughts in my head,” Jax looked over at Logan and saw his distress, “in both of our heads, you’ll be sorry.”
“Awe, now, come on. Y’all know you were already thinking it.”
“So, what are you gonna do, Logan?”
“I don’t know, or at least I’m not entirely certain.” He leaned his head back and stared up at the stars. “I thought…well…I suppose it doesn’t matter what I thought now, does it?”
The tone of his voice made his friends look at each other in concern and surprise. It was Ryder that took the leap and asked the question that had been suddenly thrust into the mix.
“Are you serious about her?” When no response came, he blurted out the next question that popped into his head. “Damn… are you in love with her?”
Logan closed his eyes and grimaced at the thought of what he was about to do. Sharing his feelings had never come easy for him, and though sharing them with his best friends made it easier, it was Sera they were talking about.
“Am. Have been. Always will be.”
“Oh, shit…”
“Yeah. ‘Oh shit’ pretty much covers it.”
“You’re going to have to talk to her, Logan.” Jax crossed his feet at his ankles as he leaned back and took on the same pose as Logan. “She’s my sister and I love her, but I have no advice for you. She’s called here just about every hour on the hour to see if I’ve heard from you.”
“She sends me texts. I’ve started ignoring her and ignoring beautiful women is not something I normally do. Kind of a bitch move, but I don’t know what to say to her anymore.” Ryder winced as the words left his mouth.
“I know I’m going to have to talk to her. I just…I needed time. I needed to think and work things out in my head before I talk to her.”
“And have you done that? Worked things out? Because it seems to me that if you really love her, you need to hear her side of it to be able to truly work through it.”
“I know. And that is exactly the conclusion that I came to while I was gone. I just need a little more time.”
“Well, you’re welcome to stay here for the night, because if you go home, you’ll probably find her camped out on your doorstep.” Jax chugged the last of his beer and then glanced to Logan for his decision.
“Yeah. That works. Thanks.”
Chapter Eighteen
Sera wasn’t certain what she’d expected to find when she walked into Logan’s bar two days later, but him behind the bar as if everything were normal and nothing had happened was not it. She wanted to be miffed at him that he’d come back to town and hadn’t sought her out so that she could explain, but she couldn’t find it in herself to be mad that he’d chosen to continue distancing himself. She supposed that she really shouldn’t have expected any different, though.
Seeing him again after the better part of a week apart made her heart flip-flop in her chest. She had such feelings for him, and though she was still sorting out exactly what all those feelings were, she knew without a doubt that he was the most important person in her life at the moment and she wanted to keep him there.
Taking a deep breath, she walked over to the bar and climbed onto one of the stools. When he didn’t immediately acknowledge her, her heart sank a little, but knowing how deeply she’d hurt him, she supposed she deserved the cold shoulder he was giving. So, she watched, and she waited.
When he eventually walked over to her, she opened her mouth to apologize but no words would come out. Instead, he spoke first, and the coldness that was laced through his voice left her reeling.
“What do you want, Sera?”
“We need to talk.”
“Why?”
“Because I have things to say, things to explain.”
“I think you made things very, very clear.”
“Logan, please…”
“Now’s not a good time, Sera.”
She looked around at the mostly empty bar. “Why?”
“I’m working.”
“Tonight then? After you’re done here? I’ll meet you upstairs.”
“Fine.”
Sera released the breath she hadn’t been aware of holding. “Good. I’ll see you then.” She jumped off the stool to leave and as she turned to go, he called after her.
“Just one question, Sera. Should I go up early and make sure that the camera is set up and working on my laptop? If you’re going to invite the world into our bed, then let’s make sure everything is accurate. I’m sure we can give them a good show.”
Stunned and speechless, she could do nothing but stare at him as tears filled her eyes. And as the first one escaped and slid down her cheek, she nodded her head. “I suppose you think I deserve that. Maybe I do. But I swear to God that one way or another you are going to hear me out and I’m going to make you understand.”
“So be it.”
As she walked out the door, Logan reached under the bar for a shot glass, filled it with tequila, and tossed it back. Then with barely a wince at the shot he had just fired in her direction, he turned and got back to work.
He took his time cleaning up after he closed the doors. Damn it, he thought, as much as he wanted to see her, to talk to her, to figure things out, he still fucking hurt. He wasn’t sure he was ready to forgive and forget, much less move on from the pain that she’d caused. All he did know, he thought as he flipped the last light off and walked out the back door, was it was now time to face the music and figure out exactly what tune Sera was singing.
As he climbed the last step and stood on the landing to open his door, he was surprised to see that Sera wasn’t there waiting for him. He glanced at his phone to check the time. It wasn’t like her to say she was going to do something and then not do it.
When he stepped inside his apartment, he knew immediately that she waited inside for him. Her scent filled the air and that alone almost brought him to his knees in surrender. And as much as he’d wanted to prolong this confrontation, to continue his sulk, and torture her with his distancing, part of him couldn’t help but be grateful that she was there.
He’d forgiven her already, his love for her so great that he couldn’t truly stay hurt and angry by her actions. But there were still things to discuss. There were things that they needed to share their thoughts and feelings on so that they might reach an understanding and avoid similar situations in the future. Love, he thought, was a confounding mystery that constantly left him shaking his head.
He walked into the living room and found her curled on his sofa. She’d fallen asleep as she waited for him, and he found he had to fight the urge to cover her with a blanket and let her sleep. She wanted to talk, then by all means, they were going to talk.
He stood next to the sofa and called her name. She immediately jerked awake and sat up.
“Sorry. Sorry. I must have drifted off.”
“It’s alright. It’s late. Let’s get this over with so you can get home and get some sleep.” The coldness that weaved its way through his normally warm and welcoming voice made her want to fall apart.
“Logan. Please…”
“Just…say what you’re going to say, Sera.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you sorry that you hurt me? Sorry that you tricked me? Sorry that you betrayed my trust? Or is it that you're sorry that I found out?”
“Oh, God. Just let me start at the beginning.”
“Fine.”
“The first thing you need to know is that I never intended to hurt you. The fact that I did makes me feel like a piece of shit. You’ve always been there for me, and we’ve always been great friends. Hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do.
“I’m going to try to explain this to you but I’m not certain I can make you see what I was doing, what my thought process was. Logan, when I write, there are pieces of me that are woven into each character. There are events that are part of reality that either I’ve experienced, or my family and friends have experienced.
“And within the reality of what I’m writing is a whole world of fiction. Fictional things that I wish would have happened or things that if said would make for such amazing stories. My writing truly is a big melting pot of fantasy and reality. I observe, I note, and I then take those notes and observations and twist and turn them into stories that people simply devour. They can’t get enough. And the more they want, the more I want to give them.
“I know you read my notes about immersing myself in my main female character this time. There were and are things that I truly felt I needed to experience first-hand to be able to write about.
“What I’ve written so far for this book is… God! It may be the best I’ve ever written! Do you want to know why? Because each and every word I wrote is exactly what happened. I didn’t embellish any part of it. Why? Because nothing that I could dream up, no amount of embellishing would ever hold a candle to the perfection of the story I’ve been living the past few weeks with you.”
His heart began to race.
“I gave very intimate details about our encounters, about our story, but one of the best parts of writing is that nobody knows for sure whether these things really happened or, they don't unless you tell them specifically that it is the truth! When I wrote about us, I never intended anyone but the two of us to know the truth, to know I was sharing our story. I care about you too much to hurt you like that, to hurt you by putting people who don’t know us into the middle of our relationship.”
“Yes, I chose you. I chose you to help me explore the scenes I had running through my mind. Yes, I chose you to get into a relationship with. Yes, I chose you over everyone else I know, and do you want to know why I chose you?
“Because you’re the one, Logan. You’ve always been the one. I didn’t see it, I didn’t realize it until I started taking steps to write this story, but it’s you. You’re it for me. You’ve always been it for me. You’re my person and I hope that one day you can forgive me. I hope that one day you will look at me again like you did the first time we made love. You see, Logan, I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the exact moment that I fell head over heels in love with you. That was the precise moment that my love for you grew from deep, ever-lasting friendship into more, so much more.
“I love you. I’m so deeply in love with you. Please don’t shut me out.”
He swore his body had started to tremble as her words had poured from her soul. The love and pain in her voice shredded him. Sera. His Sera had just told him that she loved him. He could hardly believe what he was hearing. However, there was still one thing he needed to know.
“The night in Atlantic City? That night really happened?”
“Yes. Yes, it did.”
“And you went to therapy? Are still in therapy?”
“Yes. Yes, I did, and yes, I am. And Logan, before you ask, yes. My therapist really did offer up the possibility of controlled BDSM as a way for me to move on from that night.”
“Oh, God. I need to sit down for a minute.” She scooted over and made room for him to plop down next to her.
“Sera, I… Damn! There’s so much I want and need to say to you and all I can think about is wrapping my arms around you and never letting go.”
“Say what you’re going to say, Logan, because there’s nothing I want more than to be in your arms right now, and I promise you that when that happens, I’m not going to let you let go of me. Because I'm not ever letting go of you.”
“You hurt me, Sera, but it’s more than hurt because of what you wrote about in your story. Once I had time to think about it, that part was easy to get past. For your readers, it’s a guessing game as to truth and fiction. As you said, we’re the only ones that know the truth.
“The part that hurt the worst, that broke me, was the fact that you didn’t trust me. When I asked you after our last time together to share your feelings with me, you wouldn’t. I was okay with that at first, figuring that you would eventually. But when I woke up and found that you had shared your thoughts and feelings on paper, essentially with your readers before you ever did me, you ripped my heart of my body and stomped on it.” He looked deeply into her eyes. “Why? Why did you do that? How could you do that?”
