Pieces & Parts, page 22
“What exactly does partial bed rest mean?” Jonas asks, finally letting go of my hand.
“Minimal walking, moving around, standing, and sitting. You don’t have to lie in bed all day but minimize movement as much as possible. We want to slow down the process as much as we can. And eliminate stress. That’s equally important.”
A cynical laugh bubbles out of me. If only she knew the amount of stress we’ve been under, she would know better than to even suggest this. How in God’s name do we eliminate stress?
Dr. Weyman puts her elbows on her knees and leans toward me. “I know getting rid of stress altogether is impossible, but do your best.”
I rub my belly, silently begging Zoe to stay put a while longer.
“We’ll need to see you weekly from this point on. If your water breaks, get to the hospital immediately. Since we’re worried about a pre-term birth, please also go in if you have contractions six minutes apart that last for about a minute for over an hour.”
Jonas and I both nod.
We schedule our next appointment and then head out to the car in silence. Once the doors close, Jonas turns to me with a dead serious look on his face.
“From this moment on, I need you to do exactly what she said. No more painting, talking about missing kids or the FBI, and you need to lie down as much as possible.”
I know what he’s saying makes sense, but I also know it’s impossible. We are so close to figuring out who killed these children that I can’t stop now. And, with Liam’s life being in danger, how do I not worry?
“Tessa?”
I take a deep breath. “Hear me out, okay? I will lie down as much as possible—no painting, no housework, nothing strenuous. But I can’t agree to stop trying to find the killer. We are so close.”
Jonas slams his hand against the steering wheel. “Dammit Tess. You and Zoe are more important than finding this killer.”
I reach over and grab his hand. “Look at me, please.” After a moment, he turns toward me, red-faced and with his jaw clenched. “Chaundra, the kids, and Micah are supposed to come over tomorrow evening. Let’s see what they have to say and what Micah has figured out. I know it’s all so much, but we have to figure this out now, before he kills Liam. Chaundra has already lost one child. She cannot go through that again. I couldn’t live through that either, knowing we could have potentially stopped it from happening. And we need him to be caught to get you off the list of suspects before Zoe is born.”
“You don’t need this stress. It could be putting our child’s life at risk,” he says, resting his head against the steering wheel. “But I’m also worried about Liam. I don’t know what to do!”
I rub his back, trying to ease his tension. I know he wants what’s best for all of us. This whole situation is impossible.
“Let’s talk with Ophelia today and then ask Lily if she can see whether Zoe will have any problems and go from there. Okay? And trust me, I don’t want this stress any more than you do, but it’s where we are. I hate it, but for whatever reason, it’s the hand we’ve been dealt right now. I know we are supposed to stop this guy, like I did with Matthew.”
Jonas sighs and starts the car. “Is it even okay for you to do the appointment with Ophelia today since you’re supposed to be laying down?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, but we both need this appointment. I know I do anyway, and it certainly seems like you’re in the same boat.”
“I don’t even know what choices are right and wrong anymore. Let me think on the drive to Ophelia’s. I need time to process everything.”
I nod.
We drive the rest of the way to our appointment in silence.
Chapter 42
Jonas drops me off at the front door of Ophelia’s office to minimize how far I have to walk. I sink into one of the couches in the waiting room while he parks the car. I shut my eyes and try to force my shoulders to relax. I hear Jonas enter but keep my eyes closed, hoping that he too can allow the calm to wash over him while we wait.
I open my eyes when Ophelia’s office door opens. “Hi Tessa. Oh, and Jonas. I didn’t realize you were coming today.”
“It was a last-minute decision,” I say as Jonas holds out a hand to pull me to my feet. “I hope it’s okay.”
She scoots out of the doorway to give us room to enter. “Of course, it is.”
Instead of my usual chair, I sit next to Jonas on the sofa and grab his hand.
“Would either of you like water, coffee, or tea?” Ophelia asks, grabbing a notebook and pen off her desk.
“I’d love a water even though it may make me have to pee about ten times in the next hour.” I force a smile.
“Yes, me too, please,” Jonas says.
Ophelia hands us each a bottle and then settles into her chair. “You look like you’re about to pop, Tessa.” She points at my bulging stomach.
“Yes, I’m huge. We actually just got done at the doctor and it seems I’m dilating already. So now, I’m on partial bedrest for the duration of my pregnancy.”
“How have things been? How are both of you doing?”
Jonas releases a forceful breath. “Things have been insane and not going so well.”
“Can you tell me more about that?” she asks, pen poised above the paper, ready to take notes.
With only that question, the floodgates open and Jonas fills her in on everything that’s been going on with the murdered children, the FBI, the pregnancy, and us. As the words pour out of him, I can finally see the full picture of how hard this has been on him. Stress is etched across his face and laced in every word.
“That’s a heavy load you both have been carrying. Tessa, do you have anything to add?”
“Jonas did a great job of summarizing our current nightmare, but he left a few things out. Cyle was back briefly but then left again yesterday, supposedly only for a while, because he felt like he was coming between us. We’re both under an incredible amount of stress, and instead of coming together, it feels like it’s tearing us apart. We’re both trying to deal with everything in our own way and not doing so well with that.”
Ophelia looks from me to Jonas. “With the amount of stress you both have been under, it’s important that you communicate and approach this as a team rather than as individuals. Which one of you would like to talk first about that?” She raises her eyebrows, waiting for a response.
I hold out my hand to indicate that Jonas should talk first, and he gives a curt nod before he begins.
“My main concern is that Tessa and Zoe are okay. I feel like it’s my job to protect them. Tessa, however, seems to think she’s some kind of wonder woman and can hunt down a killer, stop Liam from getting hurt, and have a healthy, normal pregnancy. I feel like she’s listening to everyone but me even though I have her best interests at heart.”
I pull my hand from his grasp and cross my arms over my chest.
“Tessa, tell me what’s going through your head right now, please.” Ophelia says.
“I know Jonas loves me and wants to make sure the baby and I are okay, but I also know my gift is back for a reason. Part of that reason is to keep Liam from getting hurt. I feel like Jonas just expects me to cut off that part of myself, the flashes, and I can’t. I wish I could, trust me.” I clear my throat. “I feel so guilty for putting Jonas in this position. I’ve been beating myself up, feeling like, without me, none of this would be happening and he could have the life he deserves.” A tear escapes down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away.
Jonas wraps his arm around me and pulls me to him. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t ask for this. I wouldn’t want a normal life if it meant not having you as my wife.”
I close my eyes to keep more tears from falling.
“There’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s go back a minute to one thing you said, Jonas, and that is,” Ophelia pauses and scans her notes, “Tessa is listening to everyone but you. Can you tell me more about that?”
“It seems like she was turning to Cyle more than me, which is where that anger came from. I understand that he’s her brother, and she’s missed him, but I’m her husband. I don’t get why she can’t talk to me openly and honestly about everything that’s going on with the flashes.”
Ophelia nods. “Tessa, do you feel like you’ve been open and honest with Jonas about things?”
I take a moment to think through the past several months before responding. “Honestly, no. I haven’t.”
Jonas’ grip tightens around me.
“And why do you think that is?” Ophelia asks.
I take a deep breath and grab a tissue, preparing for an onslaught of tears. “I don’t think I understood it until right this second. I’ve lived with these flashes for my entire life, other than the past five years. Cyle is the only person I had for most of that time who believed me or understood the hell I went through because of them. Since the flashes went away, I’ve found a new support system in Jonas and Chaundra. I feel like Chaundra totally understands the confusion that comes with having a special ability like mine because of her own gift, and she’s been inside of my mind.” I take a drink of water to give myself time to figure out how to further explain.
“Jonas and I met when I was still having flashes, but our relationship didn’t really start until after they were gone. He’s never known me on an intimate level with them. Part of me wants to protect him from that side of me and the ugliness that comes with it. The other part of me is terrified that his opinion of me will change if he knows how crazy things get inside of my mind.” I wipe the tears away and grab a second tissue.
“Hon, I love you no matter what. Nothing will change that, ever. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s going on inside of you,” Jonas says and tucks strands of my hair behind my ear.
“Tessa, can you tell me what you just heard Jonas say?” Ophelia asks.
“That he loves me and wants to understand and help.”
Ophelia nods. “I think on some level you already knew that, so what keeps you from turning to him in an open and honest fashion, rather than Cyle?”
I pick at the skin along my thumb nail as I respond. “I don’t think I realized I was doing that until now.” I look up at Jonas. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shut you out. I just feel so guilty that you have to go through all of this.”
Jonas kisses me on top of the head. “Again, it’s not your fault. I’m willing to go through hell with you.”
Ophelia taps her pencil against her notepad. “Tess, I want to go deeper. Without thinking, I want you to answer this question for me—why have you turned to Cyle instead of Jonas?”
“Because Cyle loves me no matter what, and he understands. What if Jonas sees how crazy these flashes can make me and decides he can’t deal with it? Or that he doesn’t want to. I hate myself when I’m having these flashes. I can’t imagine anyone other than Cyle loving me through this madness.” I slump against Jonas and cover my face with my hands. “I’ve been spiraling into a pit of self-loathing and pity lately, beating myself up for this whole situation.”
“I would never leave you,” Jonas says.
I try to believe him.
“Jonas, what Tessa is saying makes sense to me. She has a PTSD-like response to these flashes. With them returning, it brings back all the thoughts, feelings, and self-loathing that she lived with for most of her life. The only way she knew to comfort herself before was by turning to the one person she had, Cyle. I’d venture to say she’s not shutting you out on purpose or to hurt you, rather it’s a self-protection mechanism. Everyone else in her life, prior to the past five years, has abandoned her. When PTSD is triggered, our actions go into auto-pilot mode, which for Tessa means turning to self-deprecation and to her brother.”
Hearing her say it this way makes it all click together in my mind. I finally understand what I’ve been doing and why.
“That makes sense. So, how do we fix it or do it differently?” Jonas asks, quietly.
“As I’ve said to Tessa many times throughout the years, you are only responsible for your side of the street. You cannot fix this for Tessa. She needs to figure out new ways to cope, and you both need to work on communicating openly and honestly with each other even when it’s uncomfortable.”
I want to scream. I have no idea how to do this differently. “I’m lost. My normal coping mechanisms are failing or causing more problems.”
Ophelia nods. “Yes, they probably are because you’re not the same person you were five years ago. You have a strong and solid support system now with Jonas and Chaundra. Instead of shutting them out and reverting to only relying on Cyle, you need to lean into them. The only way you’re going to learn that other people can and will stick by you, besides your brother, is to give them a chance by letting them in.”
All the breath gets sucked out of me. By holding things back from Jonas, I haven’t given him the chance to fully love and support me. I’ve not given him enough credit that he will stay even if he sees the scary parts of me.
“You’re right. I finally understand your anger, Jonas. I’ve been beating myself up and convincing myself that you were pissed at me because of the flashes. When really, your anger and frustration are coming from me shutting you out.”
His head bobs against mine in agreement. “I’m never going to get angry with you for being who you are. I went into this knowing about your flashes and with no guarantees that they’d never return. I hate what the flashes do to you and the situation we’re in. However, I love you. I want to know all of you—the good, the bad, and the ugly. If these flashes are here to stay, so be it. We can work through it together as long as you let me in.”
I gaze up into his eyes and see nothing there but love and concern. There’s none of the judgement or hatred that I’ve projected onto him and assumed he was feeling. How quickly I returned to my old thinking when thrown back into a life with flashes.
“I’m sorry for shutting you out. I will work hard to handle things differently.”
Ophelia sets down her notebook and pen on the side table. “We’ve made some progress here today, but I think it’s best if we plan on having more sessions after Zoe is born. Marriage is hard work, especially when there’s extra stress like both of you have been under. Assignments for both of you. Tessa, instead of getting caught up in your own thoughts, assuming what Jonas is thinking or feeling, you need to talk to him about it. Not Cyle, not Chaundra, your husband. Allow him in.”
I nod in agreement, knowing this is what I need to do.
“Jonas, you also need to share your honest thoughts and feelings with Tessa as they occur rather than letting them build up to the point where you explode in anger or get drunk to deal with it.”
“Agreed.”
Ophelia stands. “Please be in touch to let me know when you have the baby, and we’ll set up appointments at that time. In the meantime, I’m a phone call away if you need to talk through anything or need me to come to you for a session.”
Jonas stands and holds out his hands to me. I hoist myself up and wrap my arms around him, filled with a new understanding of myself and appreciation for him.
“We’ll get through this, hon. I love you,” he says.
And for the first time, I believe he fully understands what loving me truly means and that he’s committed to being by my side through it all.
Chapter 43
The walls that have been erected between Jonas and me seem to have crumbled since our counseling session. We both talk late into the night, sharing our fears, our hopes, and our anxieties about the case, Zoe, and our marriage. As ordered by the doctor, I spend the rest of the day and entire night lying down after the appointments. Jonas reluctantly agrees to allow Chaundra, Micah, and the kids to come over tonight as long as I vow to lie on the couch other than eating. Chaundra offers to bring dinner plus some meals for us to freeze for later. Jonas repeats several times that he wishes he knew how to get in touch with Cyle to have him come back. My guess is that he mostly wants him to return so he can babysit me. Although I’m not too thrilled to think my husband wants me to have a babysitter, I’m hoping that wherever Cyle is, he hears this and returns.
I’m lying on the couch when everyone arrives, and Jonas has a fire roaring in the fireplace. They all come in with arms loaded with casserole dishes, Tupperware containers, even a few pans.
I start to sit up, but Chaundra immediately turns to me. “No. You stay there until dinner is ready. I’ll tell Jonas what everything is, and I’ve put notes on each dish on how to warm it up.”
I laugh and lay my head back on the pillow.
As soon as Lily has put her arm loads down, she skips over and gives me a hug. I brace for a flash, but none comes.
“Hey, sit down here a sec, please.” I scoot to make room for her. “I need to ask you something, and I need an honest answer.”
“Okay,” she says.
“Can you see any problems with Zoe? Like, is she okay when she’s born?”
“Can I touch your belly?”
I grab her hand and rest it on my stomach. Zoe starts to kick and stir as a green flash whooshes through me. Lily stiffens, so I know she feels it too. Once my vision returns, I study Lily’s face. She removes her hand.
“I can’t…,” she says, stumbling over her words. “I can’t tell. I don’t know. I can’t even tell you anymore when her birthday is. It’s all gone blank.” Lily bites her bottom lip.
I reach out and grab her hand. “Hey, Lil, it’s okay. You don’t have to always know.” While I say the words she needs to hear, dread fills me. Why can’t she see what’s going to happen with Zoe? I hate how much I’ve come to rely on the comfort of her visions. She’s only a little girl. “Go help your mom with the food. Thank you for trying.” I force a smile.
