Best Friends Forever, page 13
‘The stairs? That sounds dangerous to me. You need to be careful you don’t fall when you’re playing.’
Vicky narrowed her eyes.
‘Where’s David?’
‘He’s on his way home from work. He didn’t mention you were coming over. Can I get you a coffee or something? I think there’s some lemon drizzle cake left. The kids made it with me yesterday.’
‘Thanks, but I’m gluten-free and eliminating all processed sugar from my diet. You can go and do… whatever it is you do.’ She waved a hand dismissively in her direction. ‘I’ll hang out with the kids while we wait for David.’
Vicky began to loosen the ties holding the cape tight to her throat. ‘Okay, I’ll go and get dinner started then. Will you be staying?’
‘Thank you, but I thought I’d treat David and the kids to dinner out tonight. You can have the night off.’
‘Lucky me,’ Vicky said with a tight smile, then walked away into the kitchen, feeling the ice-cold eyes on her back the whole way.
Vicky stood with her hands clasped to the edge of the countertop, anger seething through her. Chloe had always hated her, inexplicably as far as Vicky was concerned, since you could count on one hand the number of times they had met over the years.
Okay, so the night they had met, Vicky had been legless and falling all over David, but it was a long time ago – and Anna had found it funny at the time, just pleased that her best friend and David were getting along, so who knew why Chloe’s pointy nose was still out of joint about it?
Vicky took some deep gulps of air. Let them have dinner together. It wouldn’t be fun for her anyway. But she hated feeling like the paid help, dismissed to her room for the evening.
But that’s what you are. You’re not their real mother.
The snide voice in her head brought tears to her eyes and she swiped at them, refusing to let Chloe see any sign of weakness from her.
Instead, she made herself a cup of tea and sat at the kitchen table, the hot mug clasped between her hands, listening to the peals of laughter and animated voices filtering through from the lounge.
The kids like you more, Vicky. Remember that.
Half an hour passed and Vicky’s tea was long gone before she heard David’s key in the lock.
She stayed where she was, listening as the kids rushed at him and excitedly told him about their surprise visitor.
After a few minutes, she heard footsteps approaching and quickly flung herself at the sink, grabbed a mug and began to scrub it enthusiastically under the running tap.
‘Hey, Vix, good day?’
‘Yes, thanks,’ she said without looking at him. ‘So Chloe’s here.’
‘Yeah, I see that. Sorry, she didn’t tell me she was coming. She wants to take me and the kids out for dinner, if that’s okay?’
‘Of course it is. No need for my permission! Gives me a night of peace and quiet. You go, have fun catching up.’
‘Well, we haven’t really spoken much since Anna… since the funeral, so would be good to catch up.’
‘Of course.’ She finally turned to him. ‘The kids have done their homework and everything, so I’ll just go upstairs, give you guys some space.’
‘Oh! You don’t have to – disappear, I mean. This is your home too.’
‘It’s fine. I’m reading this really good book and I want to see how it ends.’ She nodded at him awkwardly. ‘It’s the one Anna was reading actually, the one on your bedside table? I thought I would give it a go.’
‘Oh, right.’ He frowned. ‘I was reading that.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, I just saw it and picked it up. I didn’t realise. You can have it back.’
‘No, no, you finish it first. It takes me ages to read anything.’
‘Okay, well, I’ll let you know what it’s like.’ The air around them fizzed awkwardly. Vicky plastered a fake smile on her lips and walked from the room.
The smile was still there when she closed her bedroom door, her cheeks aching with the force of keeping it in place.
*
They left in an excited bubble of voices, but returned subdued at 9 p.m., with two tired children and a box containing leftover pizza. Vicky hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything since they’d gone, convinced that David would return home and tell her to pack her bags after listening to Chloe slag her off all night. She had sat unseeing in front of the small TV in her room with one hand in a big bag of crisps and surrounded by chocolate wrappers and an empty ice cream tub. Her stomach ached from overindulgence.
These days she tried to keep her bingeing in check, but there were times when she had to give in to it, let the lack of self-control take over and eat until her stomach felt stretched, her throat hurt and her head pounded with the effects of too much sugar. Tonight was like that – just like it had been during the dark period between the argument with Anna before she died and moving in here two weeks ago. A cycle of bingeing, purging, then starving herself. A constant round of punishment and reward. Living here had curbed her bad behaviour, mostly because she was happy and felt settled and secure for the first time in months, possibly even forever.
Clearly, just the idea of Chloe’s toxic intrusion was enough to set her off again though and was a reminder that this was not a permanent situation.
Yet.
If she played it right though, David would realise that she was irreplaceable.
She heard the door shut downstairs and shoved all the litter into the supermarket plastic bag that lay discarded on the carpet, like it had blown in accidentally on a strong breeze.
She debated going downstairs and helping David with the kids, but then heard Chloe’s clipped, posh voice filtering up the stairs.
Let Chloe do it. She is their aunt after all. And they can be right little shits when they’re tired, so good luck to her.
Instead, she switched off the TV, turned on her bedside lamp and got into bed, as though she’d been there all evening reading as she’d said she would.
She could hear Lewis whining and David negotiating. Then a clatter as something was knocked over.
‘Shit, David! Why is there so much clutter in this hallway? Anna never let it pile up like this!’
Vicky couldn’t make out David’s mumbled response, but did hear footsteps up the stairs shortly afterwards and the distinct sound of a child crying.
She strained to hear more, but it was all too muffled for her to make out how much of a fight the kids were putting up about going to bed.
She desperately wanted to hear shouts of frustration and wailing. She knew David was grateful that he didn’t have to deal with all of it every night. He came home to dinner made, happy and clean children, and calm bedtimes where all he had to do was stick his head in the room and give them a kiss. Vicky was actually good at all of this, better than Anna had been. Vicky had experienced a few bedtimes when Anna was in charge and there was usually a slammed door, a raised voice and the threat of no story because the kids were acting up. Anna had always hated bedtimes. She’d wanted to rush through it so that she could get back to her own life. But rushing through it made for anxious children, which meant they would push at their boundaries and Anna’s patience. She’d told Vicky once that she had had to post David at the top of the stairs like a policeman to stop Lewis and Harper fighting with each other every night.
Things were calmer now though, bedtimes less frantic. Surely David could see that?
The footsteps retreated back down the stairs fifteen minutes later and Vicky fully expected to hear Chloe leave shortly afterwards, but she didn’t.
Considering that Chloe drank in extreme moderation, it was highly unlikely they were having a nightcap.
Vicky crept from her room and stopped at the top of the stairs.
Everything was quiet. The kids’ rooms were dark and still, a soporific cloud of slumber thrown over each one.
Curiosity burned through her like a craving that was too strong to ignore.
She pulled her gown tightly around her and crept onto the top step. The lounge door was slightly ajar and soft lamplight spilled from it. The sound of muttering filtered up to her along with a whiff of coffee beans.
She crept down two more stairs, consciously choosing to step on the outside where they wouldn’t creak or groan and give her away.
She stopped halfway down the stairs where the acoustics were better. It was a trick she’d learned from Harper. Once or twice in the last two weeks, Vicky had come out of the lounge to find her crouched halfway up the stairs with her head pressed to the banister, listening in on what David and Vicky were talking about. She’d asked Harper about it once and she had said that sometimes when she had a bad dream, she liked to sit and listen to their voices. She was quick to say she wasn’t eavesdropping, but that it was because she didn’t feel lonely if she could hear them talking and laughing. Then she’d go back to bed, able to put the bad thoughts aside.
Vicky had asked her why she never came and told them she had had a bad dream and she replied that Anna used to get cross if they interrupted her evenings.
Now, sitting on Harper’s stair, Vicky could understand why she liked it here. The glow of the lamplight, coupled with the muted sounds of talking, was hypnotic and calming. She pressed her ear to the wooden slats of the banister.
‘I still don’t know why she’s here, David. What is she after?’ Chloe was saying.
‘She’s helping me out. She had some problems at work and needed a job. I needed someone to look after the kids while I went back to work. It was the perfect arrangement.’
‘And you’re paying her?’ Chloe continued.
‘Yes, I’m paying her.’
‘Is she paying rent or for food?’
‘No, the room is empty anyway and we all eat together.’
‘Sounds like quite a cushy setup to me. Free food, free rent and money in her pocket. Someone’s made a smart move.’
‘You make it sound so calculating, Chlo. I’m sure it’s not like that – and it was my idea, anyway.’
‘She’s always looked like she was minutes away from being homeless to me, so quite fitting that a wealthy Prince Charming has come along to save her.’ Chloe was spitting the words at him. ‘What would Anna think if she knew what was going on?’
‘Nothing is going on, as you put it. The kids have always adored Vix, as did Anna. And she’d be pleased I was helping Vicky out.’
‘Well, before their falling out maybe, but they weren’t even speaking when…’
‘We don’t know what that was about. Just leave it Chlo, you’ve never liked Vicky.’
Vicky felt warmth in her chest as she listened to David defend her.
‘For good reason, David. She was always so… over the top, melodramatic, chavvy. Vulgar is the word. I can’t imagine she’s a good influence on the kids. The amount of times Anna would tell me that she had had to save her from various situations with men, one-night stands, drunk, out of control… there was always something. Someone that volatile and unstable can’t be good for the children after what they’ve been through.’
‘She is not unstable. In fact, she’s calmed down since Anna died, like a spark has gone out.’ His voice sounded almost wistful.
‘And I still say I would’ve made a much better bridesmaid – you remember what she was like!’
‘Really, Chlo? After all this time?’
Chloe humphed audibly. ‘Just look at this place, David. It’s not like Anna used to keep it. There’s stuff piled up; the ironing hasn’t been done. For god’s sake, her knickers and tights are hanging in the kitchen!’
Vicky’s cheeks flamed. She’d meant to do the ironing and put her smalls away this afternoon, but then got distracted by the game with the kids.
‘And you should’ve heard the racket when I got to the door this afternoon. I could hear the screams from down the street!’ Chloe continued.
‘Screams?’
‘Yes. Apparently they were playing some game on the stairs. Harper was actually tied to the banister.’
The heat in Vicky’s cheeks flooded down her neck. Chloe was making it sound like it had been dangerous. She resisted the urge to storm into the lounge and set her straight.
‘They were playing, Chlo. Lewis told me all about it. In fact, they’ve been happy lately. I hate to say that because it feels disrespectful to Anna, but this house has had a vibrancy in the last two weeks that was missing even before Anna—’
‘Don’t you dare! Anna was a wonderful mother. She raised them to be considerate and well-behaved, not noisy hoodlums.’
‘Yes, she did, but she didn’t foster loud or messy play of any kind. It all had to be clean, tidy and quiet. Sometimes it’s nice to hear laughter and chaos.’
‘I just want you to be careful. I don’t trust her. I never have. The police were awfully interested in her after Anna’s accident, don’t forget.’
‘Because she was her best friend! They spent more time together than we did.’
The conversation paused and Vicky smiled to herself.
Then David continued. ‘Look, it’s what I need at the moment. It’s not perfect, but it’s not permanent. The truth is I would like my own space sometimes, but it’s not like I can send Vicky to her room or anything when I want to watch TV on my own, like I could with a real nanny. She sits with me every night, which I’m not used to, eats with us, does everything with us really, and I feel bad suggesting that she gives us some space. Anna used to watch her TV and I’d watch on mine in two separate rooms. It was like our own wind-down time and I miss that a bit. Or she’d let me go off with the kids on the weekend and I used to enjoy that time with them while she enjoyed being on her own. Anna was also impeccably tidy, but Vicky leaves her shoes and all sorts lying around so that I trip over everything, which is annoying. And she’s a terrible cook.’ He paused in what sounded like a character assassination to Vicky. ‘I guess I wish she was more like Anna sometimes…’
Vicky didn’t wait to hear any more. She rushed back up the stairs, the burning now filling her torso and flooding down the back of her legs like a fever, bringing hot tears to her eyes.
She wasn’t enough.
He wished she was more like Anna.
She flung herself on her bed and pushed her face into the pillow to stop herself from screaming.
All this time she had thought David was enjoying her company, relishing the differences between her and Anna, and in actual fact he was wishing she wasn’t so different after all. All these years spent trying to be more like Anna and, now that she was dead, Vicky was still living in her shadow. A poor imitation.
If only he knew. If only he could’ve seen what she was really like.
She sat up and grabbed the last of the chocolate sitting on the bedside table. As she bit into it, a shard fell onto the white pillow case next to her and she took her thumb and smeared it into the immaculate cotton. She contemplated the dark mark, like mud in snow.
So he wanted her to be more like Anna, did he?
Well, after years of practice, that wouldn’t be so hard to do.
And if that’s what it would take for her to stay here with him, then that’s what she would do.
Disappointed, Vicky. Must try harder, Vicky. Isn’t that what they’ve always said?
She wasn’t about to let this slip from her fingers.
July 1995
The bar was cramped with sweaty bodies and loud voices. Cigarette smoke swirled through the air, leaving an indelible imprint on their hair, clothes and lungs. Vicky added to it as she puffed on her Benson & Hedges, watching the smoke curl from the end hypnotically.
She sat on a stool at the bar, a pint of cider in front of her alongside an open packet of salt and vinegar crisps. At times, someone would sidle up next to her to order a drink, throw her a glance and a smile and she’d smile back, her head tilted and her eyes curious under her fake eyelashes.
Occasionally, she glanced at her watch, impatiently aware of the time passing. She considered ordering another pint as she drained the last of this one. How much longer should she wait? They were already half an hour late and she was running out of money rapidly.
She shifted on the stool, feeling the waistband of her jeans sitting tightly underneath her ribs. She’d worn the high-waisted ones in the hope that they’d hold her in more, but instead they were cutting into her and heightening the claustrophobic atmosphere of the bar, making her lungs feel constricted.
She stubbed out the cigarette.
‘Those things will kill you,’ a voice said over her shoulder. She swivelled on the stool to see Anna standing behind her, smiling widely.
Vicky got to her feet as Anna leaned in for a hug. Vicky felt stiff in her arms, uncomfortable with the physical contact after all this time. They’d talked on the phone and written letters to each other over the last few years while Anna was at uni, but now that she was finally seeing her in the flesh, Vicky felt awkward in her own skin, sure that Anna was looking at her and noticing how much she had changed, not necessarily for the better.
Anna hadn’t changed at all. She was still tall and lean, with sharp cheekbones and straight dark hair that now framed her face in a shorter bob rather than the long curtain of hair she had grown while they were at school.
‘How’ve you been, Vix? You look good.’ Anna’s eyes swept over her briefly. She carried on before Vicky could answer. ‘This is David. I told you about him?’
Vicky looked over at the man standing behind Anna. Tall, athletic-looking, with his sharply ironed white shirt neatly tucked into beige chinos. He was certainly handsome, but in a contrived way with his short back and sides dark hair, like he’d walked straight out of a teen girl magazine. He had a slight twist to his jaw, as though there was a permanent smirk on his face.
‘Hi,’ Vicky said.
‘Hey.’
‘So, what are we drinking? David, get us a round in, would you?’ Anna said.
‘Another pint of cider for me, please.’
‘Cider drinker these days, huh? I’ll have a vodka tonic, babe.’
David shuffled in next to Vicky and she caught a whiff of sandalwood and spice from his aftershave as he leaned over the bar.
