Improve Your Social Skills, page 11
Slow and Steady Wins Their Heart, Part 2
How do you grow in physical and emotional intimacy, without damaging the relationship?
Healthy Relationships Defined
Ok. Let’s get philosophical for a second.
I know you probably want to jump ahead to the more “practical” portion of this section. You want to know how to ask someone out, what to do on a date – and trust me, we’ll get there.
But those skills are useless if you don’t know how to have a healthy relationship. In fact, they can be worse than useless, because being in an unhealthy relationship is often much worse than being single.
So let’s take the time to go over some foundational principles of healthy relationships (because remember, the foundation is everything.)
But before I start, one important note.
There’s a big difference between a relationship that is unhealthy and a relationship that is abusive. Good-hearted, well-intentioned people can easily slip into relationships that are unhealthy, and although sometimes the right response to an unhealthy relationship is to end it, often a little work can make those relationships healthy again.
In contrast, if you are in an abusive relationship, you need to get out and you need to get help. And if someone you know might be in an abusive relationship, you need to tell someone and get help for them.
Take a minute and read through the warning signs of abuse right now. Seriously, I’ll wait.
Even if you will never be in an abusive relationship, knowing the signs will help you recognize when a friend is at risk of being abused. And if you recognize those signs in your relationship or a friend’s relationship, you should call a domestic abuse hotline and tell someone what’s going on.
Healthy Relationships: A Love Story
Still with me? Cool.
Let’s move on to how to make sure your relationship is healthy. But what do I mean by a healthy relationship?
Well, let me tell you a story.
My senior year of college, I dated a girl named Sam, who is a wonderful young woman with a loving soul and an incredible gift for art.
One evening, Sam asked me “Daniel, what is your goal for our relationship?”
I replied, “Sam, I want the people who know you and love you the best to be able to say ‘We are so glad that Daniel dated Sam, because he made her really happy, and because he helped her become more the person that she was supposed to be.’”
My relationship with Sam is now over, but I still take a great deal of joy in the knowledge that I did my best to live out that answer. I accepted Sam for who she was, brought joy to her life, and encouraged her to grow more into the person she was supposed to be.
And you know what? Sam accepted me for who I was, brought joy to my life, and encouraged me to grow more into the person I was supposed to be.
That is a healthy relationship in a nutshell. It was a relationship in which we accepted and cherished each other, where we encouraged each other to grow, and where we were more focused on giving to each other than receiving from each other.
It was also a healthy relationship because of what we did not do. We didn’t disrespect or manipulate each other. We didn’t drop everything else in our life to focus solely on each other. We didn’t pressure each other to change (we encouraged each other to grow, but we always accepted each other for who we were, not for who we might be in the future.) And we didn’t rush things – we let the relationship grow at a natural, healthy pace.
Committing to Healthy Relationships
My relationship with Sam was a wonderful part of my life, and I want you to have wonderful, healthy relationships too.
But I’ll be honest. Healthy dating relationships take work. They require that you dedicate yourself to your partner’s well-being and happiness, and that you swallow your pride and your selfishness. They require a willingness to make short-term sacrifices so that you can have lasting joy.
They require a commitment, in short. And commitments are hard.
But when you have experienced the joy of a truly healthy relationship, you won’t ever want to settle for anything less. I hope that when you enter your next relationship, you commit to making it a healthy one – both for your sake, and the sake of your partner.
Of course, even if you are fully committed to a healthy relationship, wanting a healthy relationship is not the same as knowing how to get there. Fortunately, the next lesson explains in detail “How to Have a Healthy Relationship” and contains all of the practical information you need to know.
How to Have a Healthy Relationship
If you’ve read the previous lesson, you hopefully understand why healthy relationships are important.
Now, it’s time to learn the details of what makes a relationship healthy (or unhealthy.)
Because every relationship is different, there’s no way to make an exhaustive list of all the ways relationships could be healthy or unhealthy. But if you focus on the most important things, you will avoid the vast majority of problems.
With that in mind, I’ve listed the three major principles that need to be true for any relationship to be healthy. Learn these three principles, and you’ll know how to have a healthy, fulfilling romance.
Ready? Let’s dive in.
Freedom and Acceptance
In a healthy relationship, both partners feel accepted, and have the freedom to be themselves.
That means that both partners should be able to relax and be themselves, without worrying that the other partner will judge them for their thoughts or actions. You should never need to hide part of yourself to be accepted by your partner.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that your partner has to approve of everything that you do. If you’re making a bad decision, I hope your partner speaks up to let you know!
But you shouldn’t feel that you have to agree with their opinions for them to accept you, and you shouldn’t feel like you need your partner’s permission to make your own decisions about your life.
Even when you disagree, you should still respect each other’s opinions. If your partner belittles your opinions and beliefs, or doesn’t treat you like an equal, that’s a serious sign of an unhealthy relationship.
In addition, you should both feel that you have the freedom to talk about the relationship, and to bring up problems that you see. If my partner does something that upsets me, I should be able to (gently) let her know.
And if she sees a problem in our relationship, she should be able to let me know so we can find a solution. Both partners are equal members of the relationship, so they should have equal say about what happens in the relationship.
Meaningful Lives Outside the Relationship
In a healthy relationship, both partners have fulfilling lives outside of their dating relationship and maintain close friendships with people other than their dating partner. In addition, both partners support each other to pursue those important parts of life that are outside of the dating relationship.
It’s not uncommon for people to let everything else in their life slide when they start a new relationship. They stop spending time with friends or pursuing their goals because the new relationship quickly takes up all of their time.
This is unhealthy.
A dating relationship should be a significant part of your life, but it’s only part of your life.
You should still have other close relationships, as well as hobbies that you enjoy and life goals that you pursue. Your relationship shouldn’t be the only thing you spend your free time on, nor should it be the only important thing in your life.
In addition, your partner should support you in your outside relationships, hobbies, and goals. Your partner should encourage you to get that degree, or to sign up for that bowling league, or to spend some time with that friend that you haven’t seen in a while.
And you should encourage your partner in the same way – even if that means they spent less time with you. If it’s important to them, it should be important to you.
Shared Selflessness
In a healthy relationship, both partners make it their goal for their partner to be happy and fulfilled, not to have their partner make them happy and fulfilled.
This is the most important point. So listen carefully, and please make sure you understand what I’m saying.
If you are more concerned with what your partner can do for you than with what you can do for your partner, then you should not be dating them.
And if they are more concerned with what you can do for them than with what they can do for you, then they should not be dating you.
It’s natural to think about the good things our partner can do for us – they give us someone to talk to, alleviate our loneliness, and feel really nice to kiss or hold. And it’s ok to want those things, and to enjoy them.
But your goal in your relationship should not be to get everything you can from your partner. It should be to give everything you can to your partner, because after all, giving is what love is all about.
Of course, your partner should also have this motive.
If you give everything you can to your partner, but your partner rarely gives to you, then they are taking advantage of you (and you shouldn’t be dating them.) Stay away from the trap of “If only I gave more/became a better partner, maybe my partner would start to give to me.”
The Beauty of Interdependence
But hopefully, you do care about your partner, and they do care about you. And when that is true, something incredible happens.
You can stop worrying so much about yourself, and instead focus on meeting their needs. And they can stop worrying so much about themselves, and instead focus on meeting your needs. You trust your partner to take care of you, and they trust you to take care of them.
There is a beautiful interdependence that is created, where the two of you can rest in each other’s presence and know that you are safe and loved and accepted. You can trust that you don’t have to have it all together, because your partner has your back, and loves you even when you make mistakes.
One day, you might be presented with the opportunity to settle for a relationship that is unhealthy and superficial. Don’t do it.
The beauty and joy of a healthy, interdependent relationship is an experience like none other, and it’s worth the wait. Don’t cheat yourself by settling for something less.
Of course, you can’t get to that point of interdependence without first starting the relationship.
Beginning a Romance
Ok. You’ve read through the explanation of a healthy relationship, and you’re excited to experience a great relationship with that special someone.
So… now what?
With a few exceptions, your perfect partner is not going to drop from the sky into your waiting arms. You need to meet them first, and then get to know them, and then take the plunge of admitting your feelings and entering the strange and wonderful world of more-than-friends.
But with a little guidance, that process can be exciting and joyful, instead of confusing and scary. Let’s walk through each of the steps in turn.
Meeting Your Partner
Forget singles events and awkwardly trying to pick up people at bars.
You should meet potential romantic partners in the exact same way that you would meet new friends. This flies against a lot of conventional wisdom, I know.
But hear me out – there is an important reason why I believe this is true.
When you go to an event for the express purpose of meeting a romantic partner, you’re much more likely to link up with someone who is a bad fit for you. Because the pressure is on, you are probably going to focus on making a good impression, instead of putting your focus on getting to know the people you meet.
Authenticity and vulnerability (the building blocks of real connection and intimacy) go out the window, and superficial attractiveness and charm take the spotlight.
The result? You zero in on the folks who are the most superficially attractive – not the people who will be the best long-term partner for you.
The solution? Take the time to get to know that attractive guy/girl as a person before you start thinking about them as a potential romantic partner.
True Attraction
It’s fine to be initially attracted to someone. But take a step back and remind yourself that you don’t really know them yet. Just like there is true fear and physical fear, there is true attraction and physical attraction.
You want to wait for true attraction – which is the sweet moment where you realize you like the other person for who they are, not for what they can offer you. And that true attraction takes time to build.
And when I say it “takes time to build,” I’m referring to days or weeks, not minutes. I know that seems dull and unromantic (what happened to love at first sight?) But remember that the foundation is everything, and it takes time to make a good foundation for your relationship.
If you take the time to really get to know the other person, you will build your romance on a rock-solid foundation of true attraction. Rush in, and your relationship will balance precariously on the shaky foundation of physical attraction.
Application
Here’s how you put this in action.
First, check your motives. Finding a dating partner should not be your primary motive for meeting new people. It’s fine to have that be part of your motives, but it shouldn’t be your number one.
The primary motive of “find a date” means that you’re missing out on the chance to make good friendships with people that don’t ping your “possible date” radar. Plus (like I explain above), when your primary motive is finding a date, it’s actually much harder for you to find a good dating partner.
So take the time to think through your motives. If you find that your primary motive is in fact finding a dating partner, don’t despair. Just spend some time speaking truth to yourself, and remind yourself of the reasons for getting to know people as people, instead of as potential dates.
Second, shake up your routine. If you’re not going to dating-focused events, you need another way to meet people. If you keep going to the same events or spending time with the same groups, your opportunities to meet new people will be very limited.
So try new things. Sign up for a class in a topic that interests you. Join a volunteer group. Make a rule that you’ll try one new thing every week, or make a list of new groups to check out.
Of course, this advice will also help you with life in general. Shaking up your routine is a surefire way to make new friends, enrich your life, and discover new passions. But it’s also extremely applicable to finding a dating partner – every new thing you try is another opportunity to meet that special someone.
Third, pursue deep connections. Remember when I said you want to get to know that attractive guy/girl as a person before you start dreaming about them as your boyfriend/girlfriend? Well, that requires that you make a point of getting to know people.
So pursue deep connections with people. Try to push past superficial conversations about the weather or the latest movie and try to learn the story of the people you are talking with. Find out what makes them unique; ask them about their passions and their dreams – and share your story with them in response.
Of course, making deep connections takes time, and it takes practice. Some people won’t be open to connecting, and that’s fine. You should always be ready to steer the conversation away from personal topics if you sense the other person becoming uncomfortable, and it’s often wise to take gradual steps towards a deep connection when you’re not sure if the other person will be comfortable.
But give people the opportunity to connect – don’t assume they will say no. Ask questions that show your genuine interest in the other person. Share parts of your own story to let the other person know that sharing is ok.
If the other person sees that you genuinely want to get to know them, they almost always will respond positively to your attempts to connect. Most people really want to connect with others – they just want someone else to make the first move.
So make a point of connecting with everyone you can. I think if you do, you’ll find your life blessed with new friends, good conversations, and perhaps (one day soon) a new special someone.
Moving Beyond Friendship
Ok. Let’s say you resisted short-sighted “find a date at all costs” motives, you shook up your routine, and you’re making a genuine effort to connect with the new people you’ve met.
And let’s say that one of those new people has connected with you in a special way, and after getting to know him/her as a person, you’re ready to enter the strange and beautiful world of more-than-friends.
Now what?
Well, that’s what we’ll tackle next, in a lesson I call “From Friendship to First Kiss.”
From Friendship to First Kiss
Ok. Let’s say you’ve spent the time to get to know this new person. You enjoy spending time with them, you feel close to them, and they seem to enjoy spending time with you too.
Plus, you’ve sorted through your emotions and you feel that true attraction is starting to build – this is more than a crush. And you’ve taken a look at how the two of you interact to make sure you don’t see any warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.
You’re ready to move the relationship into dating territory, in other words.
But how do you do it?
Well, there’s no one right way. Relationships are different because people are different, so your love story will be different than the couple down the road.
But in general, there’s three simple steps that you can follow.
First, gauge their interest.
Second, signal your interest.
Third, declare your interest.
Ready? Let’s tackle each in turn.
Gauge Their Interest
