Roar, page 13
Now is the time for you to buckle down and keep your willpower stronger than ever, resist with persistence, and understand that self-control will allow you to seal the leak through which the pressure you have concentrated can seep. It will serve as a saber to defend you from the temptations of immediate joys and the siren song of weaknesses. You owe it not only to who you are now, but who you will be after you’ve deployed the shrapnel of your talent.
With all the pieces you’ve gathered about you, and the mastery you’ve acquired to arrange them strategically, you’ll be able to combine your desires with your skills, your profitability with your contributions. This doesn’t take away from the fact that your development naturally brings growth in your personal well-being, resources, freedom, joy, and productivity. This map re-creates the battlefield you must invade.
LOVING. I DON’T KNOW ANY OTHER WAY TO LIVE.
Once you decide to command the front line of your cry, you’ll be unstoppable on your way to total victory. But this will not come without changes. You will leave behind the people who have anchored you to the past, you will rebuild what you understand to be mistakes, and you will even have a new perspective about the final day.
Yes, it will hurt to tread on the parched field of betrayals and lies. Yes, there will be distortions that will attempt to extinguish what is rumbling within you. Yes, the battle will also include setbacks and defeats. Even so, this is the defining phase, the one that will prevent you from being devoured by your fears and doubts, the false limitations you’ve imposed on yourself, and the deaf noise of criticism that doesn’t let you hear that your opportunity has arrived.
Roar, because you have no choice but to choose between thunder and silence.
SELF-CONTROL
Releasing the roar goes beyond a moment of enthusiasm; it requires a series of efforts. Today’s cry is only possible because it’s composed of many heartbeats that were held back when we wanted to let go, to stop resisting, to take a sweet breath, even if in that sigh we lost the whirlwind’s intensity.
When you decide to move from the inflame phase to the roar phase, you’re giving up everything that has been holding you back. To avoid returning to that spot, you need an essential ingredient: self-control. This is the power we use to manage our desires, emotions, and behaviors when we need to lean toward what we consider right, which also helps us achieve our goals.
A good example of self-control is choosing an hour of intense training at the gym over lying in bed with your phone as your scenery, water over soda, studying over partying. The key in this process is that we are exchanging one gain for another: an immediate and tangible pleasure for a distant and undefined one. We avoid eating a delicious chocolate bar because we have a clear motive: to improve our health, weight, or figure. But this benefit will not happen in the short term. What’s more, our final goal doesn’t just depend on this small sacrifice but on a series of them. Yet the joy we derive from eating that chocolate can be fully encompassed in quantity and time. We’re rejecting a clear and certain satisfaction for a greater yet uncertain one. There’s no greater pleasure than beating ourselves. You’ll never regret yesterday’s discipline and your future self will always be proud of you.
No different are the temptations that come from certain emotions, impulses, or desires, which we must control to achieve prosperity and quality of life.
Self-control is not a new concept; the Word already advised us, “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city” (Proverbs 16:32). It is mentioned once and then gently emphasized by the insistence that self-control is greater than the treasures of all the plunder of kings and their armies. Fortunes are more than expendable resources; with self-control, we can always generate more.
MY CHALLENGE IS TO CONTINUE TO ASK GOD FEWER QUESTIONS AND LISTEN TO HIM MORE.
To those who believe that biblical texts aren’t enough to explain human phenomena, let me tell you about a transcendent scientific study whose results coincide with the wisdom contained in Scripture. Aside from its revealing content, this research is enriched by the ingenuity and innocence that only children can bring. The experiment was conducted with students at the Bing Nursery preschool near Stanford University, where the daughters of the project’s director, psychology professor Walter Mischel, were studying.
Mischel came from a Jewish family that had left their country, Austria, when it fell under the rule of Nazi Germany. Settling in Brooklyn, like thousands of other displaced persons, had a transformative impact on that child and left the grown man and researcher with a burning desire to explore the factors that determine perseverance and improvement. Understanding the configuration of self-control was an enigma that Mischel had long wanted to solve, and he found the answer in the ingenuousness of the children at Bing Nursery.
The study that his team developed in that preschool is, in my opinion, one of the finest and most fruitful findings in the history of the study of human behavior. It didn’t just illustrate clues as to why successes and failures occur, but it also made it possible to monitor the effects that self-control has on more intimate dimensions of life.
The group of researchers began a series of tests to find out how children coped with the need to choose between an immediate and a future benefit. The test was carried out with students who were older than three years (old enough to understand the instructions), but younger than six (innocent enough in the calculation of their reactions). The lure needed to be something that the kids would see as valuable while also allowing them to reflect on the instructions, so the researchers decided to ask them to choose between eating one candy or eating two.
Before we proceed, I’d like to note that scientific studies like this one are often much more sophisticated than how we usually present them. To be brief and didactic, I’ve simplified some of the procedures without altering the results or conclusions, which are accurately expressed in this chapter. That specific study is even more complex because it spanned several decades. Since I know you’ll find this subject fascinating, I invite you to read Mischel’s own account in the book where he summarizes the findings of his five-decade-long research: The Marshmallow Test: Understanding Self-Control and How to Master It.1
Rather than a scientific procedure, this study is reminiscent of a joke from a hidden camera program. The researchers took the children to an area of the school that they called the “Surprise Room.” After gaining the children’s trust, the collaborator suggested a challenge: She told them that she would leave a candy on the table and exit the room for a while; if upon returning, the evaluated students had not eaten the candy, she would give them an additional one.
SUPPORT IS A BEAUTIFUL AND ENDANGERED WORD.
The challenge was clear: eat one immediately with certainty or make a sacrifice and wait for the promise of receiving two. In the language we’ll be exploring, we can look at it this way:
Instant gratification: This is the candy the researcher leaves in the room. We can enjoy it right now, without making an effort to wait for it, just as we enjoy many pleasures, even if they’re counterproductive to our desires.
Delayed gratification: This is the pleasure of eating twice as many treats, as a result of the effort involved in waiting for a higher reward. It causes a momentary discomfort, but we’re confident that it will be worth it because that effort leads us to a higher pleasure, like getting good grades after giving up several outings with friends during finals.
From the outset, the results were revealing. The first thing the researchers found was the series of resources the children, even the youngest ones, used to convince themselves to wait. They generally understood that it was worthwhile to hold out, even if they didn’t do so. Naturally, we understand that sacrifices will have a favorable conclusion in the long run. We don’t need to reach adulthood to understand that waking up early to study is a better choice in the long run than staying in bed. This is something we know whether we get out of bed or not. This inner conviction leads us to develop methods that help us curb the desire to take the bait of immediate pleasure.
What the children did while they waited in the Surprise Room reveals how difficult it was to pass this test. Some would move away from the temptation with strategies such as turning their backs to the treat or covering their eyes. Others would approach it and caress it or rub it on their faces without actually taking a bite.
Oftentimes marshmallows were used to tempt the children. That’s why this study is popularly known as the Marshmallow Test. You can use this name to find more information about it in books, videos, and references. If you want to have fun, search the internet for videos related to the “Marshmallow Test”; this will help you better understand the experiment and you will see the enormous efforts made by the children subjected to this test to achieve the greatest possible benefits.
THE POWER OF WAITING
After the publication of the first results, the subject was forgotten in scientific circles, but as time went by, Mischel wanted to know what had become of the thirty or so children who had participated in the project. He went back to the school with a set of questions, and the answers were shocking. The same children who had displayed the greatest willpower to get the second marshmallow after a few years showed superior performance in most of the basic educational and social indicators. This difference wasn’t because they were smarter or came from more educated or wealthier homes. The only common factor among this group of children was their ability to self-regulate, which was an essential fuel for achieving their goals.
I GOT THE BILL I OWED FOR SEVERAL STUPID THINGS THIS MONTH.
The development of self-control is triggered by personal drive. Those who show the ability to resist giving up an immediate pleasure with the intention of obtaining a greater one are much more likely to achieve success in different dimensions.
Imagine that you’ve set a series of goals that you can only achieve by giving up things that provide you with enormous satisfaction. If your desire is to excel in music, you’ll have to put in many hours of practice today to reach the level of proficiency that can only be achieved over the years. The same goes for sports, business, and many other dreams you may want to pursue. None of them will be possible if you don’t put tomorrow’s success before today’s party.
The study didn’t end with the children’s academic performance. After these clues, Mischel kept following for decades the students to whom he offered marshmallows in the late 1960s, recording the aspects that he considered most susceptible to being affected by strong or weak self-regulation: health, stability, and personal relationships. When those same Bing Nursery children were nearing thirty years of age, they continued to show personal and professional performances that reflected their self-control: Those who couldn’t wait for the treat as preschoolers and succumbed to instant gratification had a higher body mass index than those who could wait for a future reward.
This attribute has greater implications than showing strength when tempted by an appetizing sweet. It has nothing to do with the relationship between treats and physical appearance. Its explanation lies in the mental plane: Those who as children could not bear to wait for a reward and chose to eat the treat on average showed a lower perception of themselves, a less efficient handling of stressful situations, and a higher rate of addiction to different substances and drugs. As if this weren’t enough, they also had lower levels of education and higher divorce rates.
On the other hand, the children who had shown signs of self-control rated better decades later in all the aforementioned indicators and also had greater resources to deal with adverse social situations.
Check out this example. I make you an offer: $5 million right now or one penny doubled the first month, and the new amount doubled the following month, and so forth. Which would you choose? Answer honestly.
If you choose the second option, at the end of the first month you’d only have two measly pennies, instead of immediately having $5 million. After a year, you’d look back at your little penny and see that it had amounted to around twenty dollars. You’d sigh and regret your “stupid” decision. You’d leave the money there and try to forget that mistake.
HOW DANGEROUS ARE THOSE WHO THINK THEY DON’T NEED ANYONE!
Two more years go by and you’re surprised by a call from the bank. The manager is requesting a meeting with you. You remember your penny, and when you check your account, you see that your balance has exceeded $343 million. You were right to bet on the future.
That’s what it’s like to bet on the future. In the moment, we think that a penny isn’t going to make a difference. If you train for an hour today, you’ll weigh the same tomorrow, you won’t notice any changes, but that doesn’t mean it’s ineffective. It’s a gamble that multiplies itself like your shy penny.
Invest in yourself. Your willingness yields the highest growth rate. You are the best long-term investment and a business that runs no other risk than trying. Stand firm during downturns because it’s precisely in crises that stocks offer us their highest returns. You count on divine support, so you will never be without means if you lean on faith.
Multiply yourself with a future bet, with the absolute confidence that the investment you make in yourself will need to draw new graphs to hold you. You are the currency that doubles in value with each wager. You are the swollen ground of riches you are now building. Persevere and don’t depreciate yourself. If you stand firm, you will trade up.
Your tenacity surpasses the value of metals and precious stones. Your discipline redefines the mathematics of indices. Your heart of gold protects you. No liquidity is more valuable than the sweat of your efforts. No closing is more valuable than the times you’ve said no because you believe in a higher yes.
I’ll put my money on you. Your value will double every day.
OUR MARSHMALLOWS
Going back to the penny exercise, you could tell me that you don’t know if you’ll still be alive in three years, so you’d prefer the five million from the start. But that would show you lack faith and purpose and have no goals worth reaching or living for. If you prefer the five million because you don’t know what the future has in store for you, then you should eat without moderation, get into unlimited debt, and cancel your insurance. Would you do that? Of course not. Then you do believe in the future.
Let’s look at the marshmallow choices of our life: an affair or marital strength, laziness or a professional career, comfort or a transformative project. Each of these elements is linked to knowing that our future achievements require a disciplined today. We will always be faced with the choice of either giving pleasure to who we are now or making the effort to please that hazy being we will be in a few years.
THERE’S A LOT OF POWER IN THOSE WHO KEEP THEIR PROMISES.
As we saw in the Marshmallow Test, the balance tips in favor of those who choose to postpone pleasure in order to make it grow. Standing firm in the face of temptation turned out to be a predictor of healthier personal behavior, less aggression, better grades—though that’s not related to intelligence—a tendency toward stability in personal relationships, and better learning rates. The balance always moved in favor of those who had chosen to postpone pleasure to make it grow.
These children were unknowingly announcing what their tendency would be as adults. However, the fact that this is an innate condition doesn’t justify what we do as adults. The time for considering yourself innocent for not being able to resist life’s temptations at every moment is over. Just because your self-regulation has been weak up until now doesn’t mean you’re destined to fail. Self-control can be strengthened. Willpower is like a body that is toned with practice and knowledge. If you believe you would’ve been one of those children who did not resist temptation, you can change this reality, or continue to compete against adversaries who have a leg up on you. The most outstanding athletes are those who combine effort and knowledge, even when they’re up against physically advanced opponents.
Since this is a struggle between current and future pleasure, one way to minimize that distance is to create certain immediate trade-offs. In other words, you should reward yourself when you invest in your future. Think of it as an advance on profits. Set up an account where you can deposit points every time you choose well. This is much more than a metaphor. You can set compensation criteria that you can turn into a concrete profit whenever you wish.
Let’s say you take time to study Mandarin, training that may be a deciding factor in your promotion. You traded the pleasure of watching a popular series for time spent studying a language that will require several months to see slight progress. If you reach a benchmark, such as five hours, you can turn it into something that can be used as a reward. In a way, you will get a reward in advance, but it will become an investment you’ll make in creating habits and rapid progress. Before long you’ll see that there’s no greater pleasure than making progress in what you want.
If you stay active, you’ll have fewer chances of finding yourself in a situation where you could make the wrong choice. The popular saying is true: “I’m too busy on my own grass to notice if yours is greener,” to which I’d add that you don’t have time to notice how green your grass is either. Work, especially work that requires mental effort, places us in circumstances that reduce our willingness to engage in unnecessary conflict. At the end of the day, you should focus on how many times your partner smiles when you’re with them, how your children are behaving, how much time you’ve spent cultivating yourself, and turn that into a reward you collect in the present.
