“Good.” He smiled. He took a step forward and pressed his lips gently on my forehead. They were warm and reassuring. Like a mother to her child. It wasn’t sexual. It was respectful. It was the sort of thing I could find myself getting used to. “Get some rest, Jasmine.”

  Nodding, I gave him a weak smile and walked inside Shawn’s empty house, trying my best to ignore the memory of him that lingered in every room.

  Curling my body in Shawn’s bed, I hugged his pillow, inhaling what was left of his scent. How long before it would disappear? How long until I forgot what he looked like? How he tasted? How his lips felt against mine?

  “No!” I shouted to the shadows. Tossing the pillow across the room, I got up in a huff. No. Jasmine. No more wallowing about a future that isn’t going to happen. You are not some helpless victim. You have choices.

  Was Joe that choice?

  Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I forced myself into a shower to wash away the memories. No more hiding in the past. This wasn’t my first rodeo. So what if this was the one that hurt the most? It didn’t change the reality. It was time to move the hell on. Like I always did. I refused to let him break me more than he already had.

  With my hair still in a towel, I noticed my mom had texted while I was in the shower. She asked how the job hunt was going, but really it was a proof-of-life question. Something she did when she was worried about me. Send a harmless text asking about something she didn’t really need the answer for; she just needed me to text back to confirm I was still alive and kicking.

  Needing to put her mind at ease, I plopped onto the bed and did a video chat with her. She didn’t answer until the third ring, and even then it took her a second to figure out how to hold the camera right so that I saw more than just the underside of her chin.

  Her bright smiling face was a balm to my aching heart.

  “What are you so happy about,” I asked. “Did Skylar slip you one of his edibles?”

  “Ha!” she cackled. “No, I’m smiling because the girls and I are going on a cruise!’

  “What?”

  “To Alaska! Can you believe it! You inspired me to take the plunge. I’ve always wanted to take one, but your father wasn’t one for boats. So, I’m finally doing it. Me and a few gals from the church got a steal on a group deal, and we’re leaving in a week and a half! I’m picking out what to wear. Early, I know, but I’m so excited!”

  “Wow. Mom, that’s great. Is Skylar going with you?”

  Mom laughed. “Your brother has no interest in going on a cruise to the arctic tundra with a bunch of old ladies. He is going to stay here and water my plants. I think that’s all a ruse, though. My plants will be just fine for a week. He’s been seeing this fella pretty frequently. Lord, I hope they don’t use my bed for their relations.”

  “Mom!”

  “What? You know it’s not out of the realm of possibility with him.”

  “I know, but I really don’t want to think about Skylar having sex on my mom’s bed.”

  “Neither do I,” she said, as though making her point.

  “I miss you.” I sighed.

  “I miss you, too, peanut. You okay? Where are you staying? Are you still at Dwayne’s?”

  “Um. No. Actually. I’m staying at a friend’s,” I lied. “Just temporarily. I’ve got a lead on a new job that I’m going to check out tomorrow. At a new coffee shop of all places.”

  “A new job? You’re going to work three jobs?”

  I flinched. “No, still the two. I gave my notice at the library. It had too many memories of my time with Dwayne,” I said, hoping she’d believe my bullshit story. She didn’t need to know I’d been fired for going after Shawn. I’d been a fool. She didn’t need more evidence of that.

  “Well, good then,” Mom said. “Life’s too short to stay somewhere you’re not happy. Fill me in when you know more about this new job. Look, peanut, I love you, but I need to finish packing. I can’t believe I’m doing this!” She was positively giddy. I was happy for her.

  “Right. Pack sunscreen and something for motion sickness. And have fun on your trip. You deserve it.”

  While I was happy for my mother, I was oddly conflicted. How could she move on so quickly after losing dad? Then again, isn’t that what I’d done with Dwayne when he left me? Didn’t I also run away on a cruise when I didn’t want to deal with reality? How could I judge her need for escape when I had been the same? I couldn’t begrudge her need to make the pain just go away. Even if it would only be temporary.

  My cell rang just then, and I hated that for a half a second I hoped it would be Shawn. It wasn’t, of course. It was Annabelle. I frowned before picking up.

  “Do you hate me?” she asked.

  “Hate is a strong word,” I said, flopping onto the bed. “Highly grumpy with you for trying to set me up, yes.”

  “I know, I know,” she whined. “It’s just, Joe would be so perfect for you. He’s financially stable, he wants kids, and you have to admit, he’s easy on the eyes.”

  I felt myself smile. “That he is. Very easy. He is surprisingly mature for a guy. I just don’t know if I’m ready for any of that yet. I’m still pretty messed up from everything that’s happened with Dwayne, my dad, and...” I couldn’t seem to say his name.

  “You’re not over Shawn.”

  “I’m not sure I ever will be,” I whispered.

  I heard the phone shuffle on her end.

  “Okay, I’m going to tell you something, that if you ever repeat, I will deny.”

  My ears perked up. “Okay...”

  “Hang on, I need to go into the garage. I don’t want Hank to hear me.”

  Sitting up in the bed, I waited for her to get into a private spot. It must be juicy if she didn’t want her own husband to know. Annabelle and I had gotten weirdly close these last few weeks. I hadn’t realized how much I needed that friendship in my life. Unbeknownst to her, she had become my rock. Whatever she was about to tell me, I’d take to my grave.

  “Okay. Truth bomb. Hank is not the love of my life.”

  “What? What are you talking about? You adore him. You two have been together forever!”

  “Seven years is not forever. And don’t misunderstand me. I do love Hank. He’s just not the one. You know?”

  “No, I don’t. Keep talking, woman.”

  She sighed but went on. “Before I met Hank, I loved a man named Marc. Wow. It’s hard to say his name out loud even after all this time. We were only together for two years. A college fling. Except it wasn’t a fling for me. I fell. Hard. After graduation, he wanted to join the Peace Corps. He wanted me to go with him.”

  I scoffed. “I can’t imagine you joining the Peace Corps.”

  “Exactly,” Annabelle agreed. “It’s what ended up tearing us apart. He wanted a life of adventure. I wanted to lay down roots and start a family. So we broke up. Marc went abroad and was gone about a month when I met Hank. We had similar interests. He wanted a family. He had a job and all his teeth... He was no Marc, but he was what I needed. I didn’t love him at first sight. I learned to love him. Learned to love what was good for me. That’s all I’m saying. There is nothing wrong with making a choice that is right for you and your... situation. It won’t be the same relationship you had with Shawn. Nothing ever will be. Trust me on this. The sex will never be as passionate, and your feelings won’t ever be as deep, but finding your Hank helps numb it. It makes life bearable. Just give Joe a chance. He won’t be what you want, but he might be what you need. You can’t waste your days hoping Shawn will come back—”

  “He’s not,” I admitted. “He’s left the country. He’s made his choice. And it wasn’t me.”

  “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.”

  The line was quiet for a minute. “At least I know now, right? I can do the impossible work of letting him go.” Tears clouded my vision.

  “Yes. Now you know. You can finally move on from this chapter of your life.”

  “Right,” I said, with little conviction. “Starting tomorrow. Joe’s going to bring me to the site to check it out.”

  “That’s awesome!” Annabelle gushed. “He’s a great guy, Jasmine. I’m not just saying that because he’s my extended family. Hank has always spoken highly of him, and you know how little he thinks of most people.”

  “He seems very nice,” I allowed.

  “So, give him a chance. Yeah?”

  I let out a deep sigh. “I will.”

  I had to. I had to put my own wants out of the equation. This wasn’t about me anymore. It was about this kid growing inside of me. I had to break out of my patterns of falling for the wrong men and finally pick someone who would be steady. Loyal. Someone who lived in this country.

  Someone like Joe. Maybe.

  7. Beginnings

  That night, I tossed and turned, eventually lying by the toilet, dry heaving every few hours. I didn’t know if it was the pregnancy making me nauseous, or the sense of dread that seemed to line the road I’d laid out for myself. Probably a mixture of both. This was some hard-core adulting that was happening, and I had no idea how to navigate it. There was no one to talk to. Everyone was so busy with their own issues; they didn’t need to carry mine as well. This was my burden to bear and mine alone. There was only one path before me. Not two.

  It was time to move on. Time to accept this new reality. So, why did the idea of taking a step forward seem impossible? I knew my future wasn’t with Shawn. But I also knew, deep in my core, that there was no future without him.

  Waking up on the floor of the bathroom, I groaned. After I showered, I tried to eat a few saltines to rid my sour stomach. It did little to remove the rock that had taken up permanent residency there ever since Shawn left. I’d have to learn how to keep swimming with the memory of him always there, trying to drag me down.

  The sooner I moved away from this mental state I was in, the better. Thankfully, Joe arrived promptly at eight. Relieved for the mental distraction, I opened the door. Instantly, I noticed that he had two cups of coffee in his hand. His smile was warm as the sun bounced off his golden hair. It created a halo around him. Was this a sign, Universe? Your seal of approval that Joe was the right guy for me?

  “Wow, Joe. You’re right on time. And with caffeine.”

  “It’s decaf. Well, yours is. I know you can’t have caffeine when pregnant, so...” He handed me the cup.

  “Right. Thanks.” I took a sip. “Your brew?”

  He made a face. “God no. This is swill. Which is why my shop is so desperately needed.”

  I heard myself laugh. “Good, because this really is garbage. The only decent cup around here is this little diner over on—”

  “You just wait until you’ve had mine. One taste,” he said, looking directly at my lips, “and you’ll never go back.”

  “Someone’s confident.”

  “I am.” His eyes lingered on mine for a moment, before he finally broke the connection and reached out a hand. “Come on. I’ve got an exciting morning planned for us.”

  I looked down at his proffered hand. My new life started the second I walked out of Shawn’s house. A single step and there would be no turning back.

  Joe didn’t wait for me to decide. He took my hand and pulled me forward. It was almost as if he knew I couldn’t take this step on my own. Okay, Universe, ready or not, here I come.

  “How is your stomach this morning?” Joe asked once we were on the road.

  “Well, I slept on the bathroom floor last night. Currently, I’m upright. So, win?”

  “The nausea won’t last forever,” he assured me. “It’s actually good you’re having it now instead of your third trimester like my sister. She was in absolute misery near the end.”

  “I guess that’s something,” I said, taking another sip of coffee. My head throbbed from the withdrawal of caffeine, but there wasn’t much to do about it. I just had to suck up the discomfort. Story of my life.

  “So, why coffee?” I asked. “Why retail for that matter?”

  Joe shrugged. “Solid investment. People love coffee. Always have. Always will. It’s a reliable income stream.”

  “Reliable income is a good thing.”

  He looked over at me and smiled. It didn’t make my heart flutter the way Shawn’s smile did, but it was still a nice smile. Kind. Honest. It wasn’t the same, but it might be enough.

  He killed the engine and got out. He was at the passenger side, helping me hop out before I could object.

  “Is the crew off today?” I asked, looking around the empty lot.

  “They start at nine. I wanted you to see the place before all of the pounding began. Trust me, it’s not a fun space to be in when drywall is being put up.”

  “Right. With this lingering headache, that’s probably wise.”

  He looked at me. “You have a headache?”

  I lifted my cup. “Caffeine withdrawal. Being pregnant is so much fun.”

  Joe reached out and took my cup from me and tossed them both into a nearby trash. “Here. Let me try something. My sister used to do this to me all the time when I was a kid. I got a lot of migraines during puberty.”

  A second later, he had his thumbs against my temples, rubbing firm yet gentle circles. I was about to pull away, feeling uncomfortable being this close to him, but the pain began to subside. As he worked the pressure points, I closed my eyes and leaned into the sensation, letting out a small moan of delight as he worked out the discomfort.

  “Damn,” he whispered.

  Blinking, I withdrew. “What?”

  His face flushed. “Nothing. Just that noise you made. It was sexy as fuck.”

  I felt my cheeks redden. “Oh. Sorry.”

  His thumb tilted my chin up to look at him.

  “Never apologize for that noise. Especially if I’m the one making you do it.” He grinned wickedly.

  I took a step back from him, instantly aware of what Shawn would think if he’d been watching. That errant thought brought an unexpected tidal wave of despair, because I realized he wouldn’t care. Hell, he’d probably be relieved I was out of his hair.

  “Sorry,” Joe said, picking up on my discomfort. “That comment crossed a line. It just slipped out.”

  “No, it’s fine,” I fumbled. “It’s just been a rough few weeks. Losing my dad, getting dumped. Twice. Quitting my job... My head is sort of all over the place.”

  “Completely understandable. I’ll behave.” He walked over to the door and unlocked it. “Now, it’s not finished yet, so you’ll have to use your imagination, but tell me what you think. Honest first impressions.”

  He held the door open for me as I walked inside. There were sawhorses with drywall resting on them near a back wall. Chalky white dust and debris were scattered on the floor. Giant tarps covered the front check-out area. But it was clear that once the renovations were done, it would be the swankiest coffee shop for miles around.

  “I’m going to put in a giant chalkboard on this back wall with all the drinks, and I’ve got a local bakery making our muffins and pastries,” Joe said. “Oh, and back here, check it out, look at the windows in this place. I’m going to put a string of comfy couches and chairs so people can sit and sip in the sun.”

  “Wow. This is going to be a sweet spot to come and read a book or something.”

  “Exactly. We’ll be open seven days a week five a.m. to nine p.m. to start but will expand the hours if there is a desire for that.”

  I nodded, still marveling at the potential. “Yeah, I’m not sure how many people will want coffee after nine p.m., but who knows, right?”

  “Exactly. So, what do you think? Can you see yourself working here?”

  “I would need a lot of training,” I said, trying to see myself behind the counter. “Like, a lot.”

  “That’s what I’m here for. I take a very hands-on approach with my businesses. Eventually, I’d like to start a chain. Travel the country, setting each site up.” Joe glanced over at me. “Do you like to travel?”

  “It’s a dream of mine, actually. It’s part of the reason I work part-time as a travel agent. There is so much of the world I’ve never seen, but funds kind of limit travel to places outside of Erwin.”

  “Well, who knows? Maybe you’ll work your way up to manager, and you can come with me to set up and train new sites.”

  My eyes widened. “Really? That would be so cool.” But then reality caught up to me. “Except, in about nine months, I’ll be chained to this.” I rubbed my belly.

  “Women with children can’t also have careers?”

  “No. They can. Of course. But they usually also have a partner to help. Being a single mom makes that a little harder.”

  Joe waved a hand at me. “I don’t think you’ll be single for long. You’re too good of a catch to linger solo.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Even pregnant?”

  “Especially pregnant.” His eyes danced to my stomach for a moment before he shifted gears. “Come on, I want to show you the backroom. Wait until you see this pantry.”

  He reached out his hand, and I took it. He was so kind and optimistic. Supportive. Exactly the sort of man I needed in my life.

  So where were the damn butterflies?

  8. The Call

  By the time Joe dropped me off at Annabelle’s to get my car, I had a job and a sliver of hope that not all was lost. Even though the shop wouldn’t open for a few weeks training for employees would start soon, giving me some time to try to find a place, given my new income guidelines. Ironically, he was paying more than the library was, which made no sense to me, but I wasn’t going to complain.

  Back at Shawn’s place, I pulled out my phone to check listings again. My stomach rumbled, and I knew I’d need to buy groceries soon. Granted, there was still all that leftover Chinese, but honestly, even seeing those containers made me think of Shawn, and then the whole cycle of pain would begin. Because of that, I avoided opening the refrigerator at all costs. Until I could get groceries, I was raiding his pantry for anything my nausea would allow me to keep down.

 

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